choublak

One time, over two years ago, my boyfriend and I went out to a comedy show and then to dinner with three of our friends. At the comedy show, everyone was allowed two free drinks so we each had those. My boyfriend had been pre-gaming by himself before we went out, unbeknownst to me. So after the comedy show, we were trying to find a restaurant, and the boyfriend was being all loud, acting like a drunk person (which he was at the time). We went into this one restaurant where we had to wait a few minutes before being seated, and the boyfriend went to use the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom, one of our friends asked me "was he pre-gaming?" and I said no. But as soon as I'd said that, I felt really stupid. Stupid, and embarrassed. So, he gets back from the bathroom, we all go sit down, and the boyfriensd pulled out my chair for me. One of our friends (the same friend who asked me if my bf had been pre-gaming) said to him jokingly, "hey Romeo, you're making the rest of us look bad," and I responded, "don't worry about looking bad, because he's an alcoholic". And then everybody was all like "ooh, BURN!" and boyfriend didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. Yes, I used the term "alcoholic" as an insult because I didn't know any better and I thought that if I called him an alcoholic then he'd quit acting like one. Kind of like how sometimes when people are called names they sometimes stop acting like what they are called.

choublak

When comes to your significant other/partner it's not cool to insult them in front of a group, be it alcoholism or not.

Also, the friend saying when he pulled out the chair, the comment of "Romeo, you're making the rest of us look bad" meant that my boyfriend was being a total gentleman (in everyone else's eyes) and was a compliment because most men don't follow old school etiquette, which his pulling the chair out was, and I verbally crapped all over him by responding with an overt insult.

choublak

For a long time, I would use shame as a behavior changing mechanism.

Hammer

Good on you for recognizing your own issues.

And owning them.

Super.

choublak

A few times, my boyfriend got drunk and then baked cornbread while still drunk. Then he kept coming over to me and bothering me, asking if I wanted a piece. He would do this five, ten, fifteen times, even after I'd said "no thank you". At that point I didn't even want to talk to him, but he seemed to have no clue as to why.

choublak

Sounds like him trying to assuage his guilt.

choublak

He likes to cook, and is pretty good at it, when he's sober. When he's drunk he usually burns the food, or otherwise messes it up.

choublak

This is deep.

“Criticism of others is thus an oblique form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”

Nina Kay

I have done this in my mind to make myself feel better about myself, because I am so negative about me. And sometimes outwardly too, to try to get others to understand me & what I'm going through. So if I point out the negative of someone I'm dealing with then I think they will understand more why I'm .................

In my recovery, I'm working on this. My sponsor says that, No one Has to understand; I am the only one who needs to understand. I need to accept myself for who I am & who I'm recovering to be AND what other people think of me is none of my business !!! I like that because it really helps me to know that it's really ok to just be me. I am enough right now, just as I am.

Don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone else. But it does to me and it's only my issues that I need to deal with.

choublak

Codependency

I don't quite "get" codependency...I've never really felt the need to "rescue" other people from their problems. Even when my boyfriend was drinking, I never felt like I wanted to rescue him or keep him safe, I was more like, "god, stop being an idiot".