Step 1 - I am growing and changing...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Step 1 - I am growing and changing...
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior? I am trying. Did it with husband, but relapsed now when third daughter started on drugs and is in active addiction. Then I blamed my ex crystal meth addict…although she is not using and told my son how much I hated his binge drinking…and started talking to my oldest daughter about ‘when she used drugs’…always before, I was focused on supporting their recovery/rehab, assisting them with different problems…multiple business failures with husband, the addiction, but now…we have moved to another country which I thought I could handle as a start over, but it is not good and hubby is not happy (trigger), and my third daughter is MIA with active heroin addiction.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? I emotionally detach from the drinking, but it has been triggered here…because all Chilean men ‘drink’ it is considered to be part of the culture…and so I am falling into controlling behavior again…and I am fighting and angry and anxious and being the victim. It is awful. I hate myself and what I am doing to my family.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker? Yes, I accept that alcoholism is a disease. That means that I need to remain calm, emotionally detached, kind but truthful, take care of my own needs, not interfere with the choices of others.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? Yes, I have done everything under the sun to ‘help’ my daughters on drugs…and they are angry with me and afraid of my anger…as I have told my ‘truth’ quite meanly and with anger and blame. At first I wasn’t aware of it, but have come more and more awake…and now am in a place where I can see it and read it and I hate myself and am full of self loathing for myself and all that I have ever done…because it has not been helpful nor good for those I love the most. I want to hurt myself, but know that that is not healthy for anyone.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? I have used force, coercion, blame, manipulation, bashing over the head with information or feelings, begging, groveling…anger, trying to make people feel sorry for me, to take pity on me, stuffing my feelings so that I act nice and people will like me and approve of me, dealing with explosions where it all goes to hell in a hand basket…and I destroy relationships and get left…the very thing I have worked my whole life to avoid, I get needy…
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? I get angry and say mean hurtful things. I yell or yell in a quiet voice.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else? I think that I would have a chance at happiness…and would be able to love the alcoholic/addict more fully and happily…as controlling and judgment takes over when I am angry and frustrated and can’t figure out how to make things
Work…which means I am trying to do it my way.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them? I can focus only on taking care of me and doing what I need to do to change and treat myself. I can ‘let go’ of that and those who don’t work or who are incapable of supporting me in those efforts, without judgment, and just focus on taking care of myself in healthy ways…eating, exercise, work (at the proper level of stress and not overdoing it to trigger stress), appearance.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I am not looking for a quick fix to my problems because there is not one. I love my husband and my adult kids and I need to be able to deal with myself to love them and allow them the freedom to be themselves and to make their own choices about life and to take responsibility for the choices I have made without exploding and blowing up and saying mean, hurtful, personal things. I am devastated to know just how bad they are…and I so wish that I had not done it.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people? When they are not doing well or, in my perception, not doing the ‘right’ thing.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? I feel shame or embarrassment when anger is expressed or people are gossiping or saying negative things about others. I feel shame and embarrassment when my husband makes fun of me in front of other people.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? To ‘support’ my oldest daughter on drugs…now I realize that I need to support myself.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My husband, my children, my mother.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I am going crazy over not being able to help my heroin addict daughter…cannot…no money, no resources…couldn’t even afford
To stay in the country…and moved to husband’s country…feel desperate and anxious all the time. She cut contact and has been out of contact for 7 weeks. Trying to ‘force’, coerce, angry
Attack, threaten…my family…husband and adult children to ‘care’ in the ways I want. Wrote damaging emails to tell them how I
Feel…used words like selfish, disappointed, etc.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I am telling my story and asking for help, but being told that relationships will be cut if I do not get major psychiatric care and on a Parents of Addicts site…as well as naranon and alanon online. Having trouble holding on to hope and acting out to get
Help from parent, husband and other children and have been told
I am majorly mentally ill.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes…I do. I do it to keep peace…I do it, because my addicts (husband, 3 daughters, binge drinker son) are so sure of what they want and they do not want to hear me or listen to anything I say. Also, all family is saying…except husband…that I am crazy…and the last time that happened was when 2nd daughter was using crystal meth and she and my mother bonded over
The fact that I was crazy and they were perfect. It was horrific,
So now that it is happening again…it is triggering so much.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself? Yes…always trying to problem solve and take care of
Others. Not able to easily work on making myself feel better.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I feel good when life is going smoothly. I get more alive in the
Midst of a crisis, but it doesn’t feel good anymore…like cortisol is streaming through my veins…and I want to hurt myself.
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel desperate.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is doing things for others because I feel sorry for them…or vice versa…love is being mutually reciprocal in helping another and without hope of return.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes…I am. I give them money, I sit in rehabs with them and do more work than they do, I try to insist that they learn the twelve steps…I compulsively send communication that is not listened to or heard or wanted.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am beginning to trust my own feelings with 3 addicts (none in recovery…one in active heroin addiction) in the family, but I am not able to control or manage the constant anxiety and fear…about everything…and often those things have happened.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Feel free to start your own thread to discuss your experience with the concepts etc in Step 1.
I am working my program and so happy to have it. When I stop working my program...I become unhealthy again. Have been able to regain my serenity by working through Step 1 again...and I am ready to move to Step 2...I know that only my higher power, who I call God, can help me...went to deeper levels than ever before and I am so grateful to my higher power for helping me through...because this time it felt like I wasn't going to make it through...my faith was depleted for the absolutely first time in my life...as was born with natural faith...I know that I cannot live without relying on my higher power...Thank you...so grateful for this group and working the steps.
I am doing this for me...not for anyone else...first time ever...I think...although I have made huge progress...this is such a blessing.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior? I am trying. Did it with husband, but relapsed now when third daughter started on drugs and is in active addiction. Then I blamed my ex crystal meth addict…although she is not using and told my son how much I hated his binge drinking…and started talking to my oldest daughter about ‘when she used drugs’…always before, I was focused on supporting their recovery/rehab, assisting them with different problems…multiple business failures with husband, the addiction, but now…we have moved to another country which I thought I could handle as a start over, but it is not good and hubby is not happy (trigger), and my third daughter is MIA with active heroin addiction.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? I emotionally detach from the drinking, but it has been triggered here…because all Chilean men ‘drink’ it is considered to be part of the culture…and so I am falling into controlling behavior again…and I am fighting and angry and anxious and being the victim. It is awful. I hate myself and what I am doing to my family.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker? Yes, I accept that alcoholism is a disease. That means that I need to remain calm, emotionally detached, kind but truthful, take care of my own needs, not interfere with the choices of others.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? Yes, I have done everything under the sun to ‘help’ my daughters on drugs…and they are angry with me and afraid of my anger…as I have told my ‘truth’ quite meanly and with anger and blame. At first I wasn’t aware of it, but have come more and more awake…and now am in a place where I can see it and read it and I hate myself and am full of self loathing for myself and all that I have ever done…because it has not been helpful nor good for those I love the most. I want to hurt myself, but know that that is not healthy for anyone.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? I have used force, coercion, blame, manipulation, bashing over the head with information or feelings, begging, groveling…anger, trying to make people feel sorry for me, to take pity on me, stuffing my feelings so that I act nice and people will like me and approve of me, dealing with explosions where it all goes to hell in a hand basket…and I destroy relationships and get left…the very thing I have worked my whole life to avoid, I get needy…
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? I get angry and say mean hurtful things. I yell or yell in a quiet voice.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else? I think that I would have a chance at happiness…and would be able to love the alcoholic/addict more fully and happily…as controlling and judgment takes over when I am angry and frustrated and can’t figure out how to make things
Work…which means I am trying to do it my way.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them? I can focus only on taking care of me and doing what I need to do to change and treat myself. I can ‘let go’ of that and those who don’t work or who are incapable of supporting me in those efforts, without judgment, and just focus on taking care of myself in healthy ways…eating, exercise, work (at the proper level of stress and not overdoing it to trigger stress), appearance.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I am not looking for a quick fix to my problems because there is not one. I love my husband and my adult kids and I need to be able to deal with myself to love them and allow them the freedom to be themselves and to make their own choices about life and to take responsibility for the choices I have made without exploding and blowing up and saying mean, hurtful, personal things. I am devastated to know just how bad they are…and I so wish that I had not done it.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people? When they are not doing well or, in my perception, not doing the ‘right’ thing.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? I feel shame or embarrassment when anger is expressed or people are gossiping or saying negative things about others. I feel shame and embarrassment when my husband makes fun of me in front of other people.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? To ‘support’ my oldest daughter on drugs…now I realize that I need to support myself.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My husband, my children, my mother.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I am going crazy over not being able to help my heroin addict daughter…cannot…no money, no resources…couldn’t even afford
To stay in the country…and moved to husband’s country…feel desperate and anxious all the time. She cut contact and has been out of contact for 7 weeks. Trying to ‘force’, coerce, angry
Attack, threaten…my family…husband and adult children to ‘care’ in the ways I want. Wrote damaging emails to tell them how I
Feel…used words like selfish, disappointed, etc.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I am telling my story and asking for help, but being told that relationships will be cut if I do not get major psychiatric care and on a Parents of Addicts site…as well as naranon and alanon online. Having trouble holding on to hope and acting out to get
Help from parent, husband and other children and have been told
I am majorly mentally ill.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes…I do. I do it to keep peace…I do it, because my addicts (husband, 3 daughters, binge drinker son) are so sure of what they want and they do not want to hear me or listen to anything I say. Also, all family is saying…except husband…that I am crazy…and the last time that happened was when 2nd daughter was using crystal meth and she and my mother bonded over
The fact that I was crazy and they were perfect. It was horrific,
So now that it is happening again…it is triggering so much.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself? Yes…always trying to problem solve and take care of
Others. Not able to easily work on making myself feel better.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I feel good when life is going smoothly. I get more alive in the
Midst of a crisis, but it doesn’t feel good anymore…like cortisol is streaming through my veins…and I want to hurt myself.
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel desperate.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is doing things for others because I feel sorry for them…or vice versa…love is being mutually reciprocal in helping another and without hope of return.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes…I am. I give them money, I sit in rehabs with them and do more work than they do, I try to insist that they learn the twelve steps…I compulsively send communication that is not listened to or heard or wanted.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am beginning to trust my own feelings with 3 addicts (none in recovery…one in active heroin addiction) in the family, but I am not able to control or manage the constant anxiety and fear…about everything…and often those things have happened.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Feel free to start your own thread to discuss your experience with the concepts etc in Step 1.
I am working my program and so happy to have it. When I stop working my program...I become unhealthy again. Have been able to regain my serenity by working through Step 1 again...and I am ready to move to Step 2...I know that only my higher power, who I call God, can help me...went to deeper levels than ever before and I am so grateful to my higher power for helping me through...because this time it felt like I wasn't going to make it through...my faith was depleted for the absolutely first time in my life...as was born with natural faith...I know that I cannot live without relying on my higher power...Thank you...so grateful for this group and working the steps.
I am doing this for me...not for anyone else...first time ever...I think...although I have made huge progress...this is such a blessing.
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