irisgardens

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

I thought I did.

I did when I woke up to the fact that my husband was an alcoholic as I dealt with my oldest daughter's drug use 16 years ago...it took a long time...did alanon...had always known his father was an alcoholic...my daughter took about 9 years to decide that she wanted to live differently and went back to school and now has a child and a partner and, yes...she has her problems...but is working, and a wonderful mother, and is dealing with her problems with her partner...and I am staying out of it except to say that I will support her in her decisions regarding her approach...and I listen...when she wants to say something directly (not often) and she then comes up with amazing ideas...I am so grateful to my higher power...

I did again...when my 3rd child and 2nd daughter was an active crystal meth addict and we did all the rehab and more therapy for me...going into the steps and alanon stopped working as well...so did deeper spiritual work (the steps) through therapists and deeper relationship with my HP who I call God...because I woke up to the fact that I am an ACOA with two drinking parents...not one...as my mother had always spoken of...and that although Dad had passed...

Mom was really not good to me when I stopped 'helping' her with the hard emotional work...I had had to leave work due to too much pressure, though (when I asked Mom to help me figure out what to do about the work situation...was crying everyday...she told me to quit work and work with husband's business...not...take care of you and your family...don't take care of me and Dad anymore)...from the previous death of a child and helping mother through Dad's illness...the work went...didn't realize until the second daughter what I had done to harm myself...but I worked through it and started taking better care of myself...turned around husband's business using savings...and administrative skills...

I had to do my own work and take care of myself...and I continued...my husband stopped spending all of his weeknights out with his soccer friends...and we began to have a date night...and although he would not go to AA...he went to everything for our marriage and our family...and he made us laugh and we had a good time...and we enjoyed 6 years while our daughter came home to finish her studies with our twin granddaughters and we had wonderful times with them...and did so much work to finish her college and work...when Dad had died...there came a time, however, where I needed to return to work outside the family business...worked myself up the financial corporate career ladder again...but the stress and depression and anxiety affected my ability to remain calm and collected...critical aspects of the profession...did turnaround work during the recession...which is really really stressful...attracts lots of negative attention from people who don't want to change the status quo and attack the person who does the hard steps...

Mom 'went away' again...as always when I was a child...when she needed me...I was there for her...when I needed her...she was always somewhere else and mad at me...she had the financial resources to travel and enjoy her life with drinking a large part of it...I missed her terribly...the internal pain was awful...I kept trying to 'get her back'...but eventually...woke up and realized that I never 'had' here...I was Dad's replacement when he was unable to 'take care of her'...and his final illness of 11 years had depleted me completely...kept on doing work...

During this period, our 4th child and 3rd daughter started using drugs...she 'wanted to have fun'...we did all the things we could afford...but we were both emotionally depleted...and husband's business went down in the recession of 2007 in California...construction went away...and although we worked for 5 years to 'make it'...lost the house and went bankrupt...and then...but had made plans to return to Chile...husband's country of origin...and to start over...with him working...me becoming a teacher to reduce the stress (according to doctor instructions)...and came here...

The adjustment has been difficult...and many negative emotions coming through...the anger from the past 10 years of financial and emotional stress through the family and how I worked myself down to depletion again...but it served its purpose...woke up to the fact that I am attracted to narcissistic personalities and drinkers/drug users and selfish self centered people...and so after, once more...knowing it was the wrong thing to do...but doing it anyway...reaching out to mother...and then being told I am mentally ill and need major medical help (totally refuses to hear or internalize that I have done lots of work and gotten lots of help)...went nc...and grieving...hubby angry with me for reaching out...yes...starting to realize that he is healthy about that...

Then reached out to adult kids who called me crazy (yes, they are going to holidays with grandma now since we left the states)...and hubby is struggling to work, but actually doing well in the hard situations...facing them and dealing with them in strong ways...and not leaning on me...I am picking up the emotions, but that is my issue...working to take care of myself...lost weight...at least 20 lbs...that is fabulous...have a private beach here while I live in home under construction...(that was hard to face...had expected a finished house...but this is good...restarting...rebuilding...in the material world as well as the spiritual world)...

Daughter had gone into recovery after we left...but relapsed after 4 months...I relapsed too...and started trying to get whole family to 'do something'...but the answer is to 'let go'...and so finally...a few days ago...after posting...struggling to figure out whether to leave family, leave husband...I started to simply let go...and let God...and things are better today...and I worked the first step...and I didn't post it, but will now...as I am powerless over my addict daughters decision to use and to be out of contact...as I am and always have been powerless over all of my other loved ones decisions to drink or use drugs.

I can love them, but I cannot make them choose to take healthy steps for themselves...just take care of myself and continue to take healthy steps for myself.

I have finally let go of those in my family of origin who have gone 'silent'...except when the need me...and only when they need me...I learned that me going nc was way overdue and that when I keep on compulsively reaching out and out or telling them that the 'silent treatment' hurts me...they already know...either using it to manipulate me or to be a silent participant. I am grateful for my husband who stopped this practice over 1 1/2 decades ago...although he is quiet and does not share much or often...but tries...in his way...and as I learn to listen without pushing for more or my way...we move forward...

I have told him that my big fight in life is to choose over the money, power, and prestige attachments that I was raised to desire and choose over family unity and caring...over the family values that I love and desire...and in choosing him, a caring man from south america...not perfect, but loving...desirous of family as I was and am...and that I find in him...someone who is a doctor for my heart and soul...as in Patch Adams...although he is not the big important man that I was expected to marry...

We are starting over...and if we are starting over...we need to do it together...he is the guy on the physical, dong side...and I am the woman on the thinking, spiritual side. He has encouraged me to interview back in the united states...but I am enjoying restarting my life here...it is a slow by slow, but I am learning to be an english teacher and my students are enjoying what I have to offer...although I could go back...probably will get a few job offers...I know I can do that...and have been getting a few good interviews...have a wonderful headhunter...I know that I will need to make a choice...but just for today...and going to let it be enough that I have done the work that I have done.

It is good work. I am currently being blamed or told that I am mentally ill by the family back in the states...or at least told that when I actually do express my feelings...I sound angry...but I am here (in my heart and soul)...and I am well...and I am taking the steps to me...rather than the steps everyone else wants me to take for them.

Will continue taking my steps.

I have enough to live on here...I do not have to work like I did there...I am detaching from giving all the material gifts my kids came to expect...my older kids are telling me to do what I need to do to be happy...and my children who have not yet 'let go' of whatever they think I should be or do...or their anger because I was the parent who insisted on the drug rehabs and dealing with their situations as a parent who truly cares...doing the tough things...well...I am still holding my boundaries with no verbal abuse...and it continues...so I am holding my boundaries...although she is so angry...

I am letting go...letting go...I am powerless...powerless...I am calm again and feel the relief of the last 'letting go' and feel so happy to be in the sunshine...with my husband as he works to provide for us and as I work to become a teacher and be with people who are spiritual and have wonderful hearts...

Thank you God.

Jax67

Hello Irisgardens, I only joined this site yesterday. By some miricle I just found it. I can't tell you how much reading your post has given me hope for myself I have spent far to long trying to fix my family in some way or another and concentrating on my drug addicted daughter nothing but her mattered. I see in only these few short days that I am not crazy, I see that there is truely hope for me as I start my journey through the steps and a chance at peace that I have not felt in a long time. Much hope and peace goes out to you as you continue your journey of healing. I hope to be able to tak with you and read your posts again. God Bless

irisgardens

You're very welcome, Jax...it is so good to see your post.

You are in the right place and time...and it is good to meet you!