Fast step one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Fast step one
Well, here it is, I've never been to a meeting or anything, I just thought I would give the steps a whirl. I feel like there are things in my life that aren't quite right, and that maybe the steps will help me ask some important questions and steer me in the right direction.
It's kind of hard to answer some of these because I don't really understand what they are asking, also ones that deal directly with an alcoholic in my life are impossible to answer since no one in my immediate family is an alcoholic.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, the dysfunction in my family is not my fault and is out of my control.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits,
characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This doesn't really apply to me, I don't have an alcoholic family member.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
It makes me realize that I cannot change their behavior, they must do it themselves.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I don't do it as much as I think about it. I have constant fantasies of helping people overcome their problems or changing them. When people complain about weight loss or problems in their life, I want to help them and make them succeed. I think a lot of the time they don't really want help, they just want to complain. If I constantly try to please people by changing them or making their lives better, I will only disappoint myself and feel like a failure, it is not my job to change or help people.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I don't really tell people how I'm feeling or what I want. Instead I act out or try to send signals and hope that I am noticed, but even then I usually won't say what's really happening. It would be better if I expressed how I felt.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
This really doesn't apply to me, there isn't an alcoholic in my life.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be able to focus on myself instead of trying to focus on other people.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By realizing that they are not my problems, and I do not owe it to them to try and fix them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Yes, I reject the idea of 12 step programs and feel that there must be some lifestyle or belief system that will rid me of my troubles. I don't think that this is realistic and is just a way to avoid making progress.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
If my friends are sad or having a hard time, I feel that I have to make them feel better, and sometimes I get frustrated or feel inadequate if I am unable to do so.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When I was a kid, when my dad would get angry or upset, when he would have triggers I felt shame for that and sometimes blamed myself. I felt that I was the cause and if I was not present then he wouldn't feel that way.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I started these steps because I am unable to form healthy relationships with people and I want that to change.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
People say things about me sometimes, they ask why I'm single, why I'm angry. I don't think that I'm angry, but apparently I give off that impression, I get asked at work a lot if I am angry or sad, people also want to know why I don't date and I don't know how to respond to them. I don't feel comfortable just coming out and telling people about my life, I fear they will just turn around and back stab me and gossip.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have a hard time having relationships with people to the point that I isolate, I also have a hard time with drugs and alcohol, which I have no managed to eliminate from my life.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I feel incapable of forming my own opinions about things sometimes, instead I choose to follow other people because I don't believe that I can be right.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes, sometimes I say yes when I want to say no. I have given in to drugs and alcohol countless times, and every time that I do I feel that I have lost control and cannot manage my life.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
I don't really know, I tend to give people advice a lot, I try to help them overcome problems and feel like I need to make them succeed. I don't think that I favor other people over myself though.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When things are going well I am fearful for the fall. I feel that life is constantly up and down, and that if times are good, then bad times will surely follow. I feel afraid to experience joy, because if I do, I feel that I will somehow be punished or jinxed. If I let my guard down then life will slap me on the wrist and say "I told you so."
How well do I take care of myself?
Reasonably well, it's up and down. At times I eat well, sleep well and exercise, then for periods of time I'll skip meals, stay up really late and not exercise at all.
How do I feel when I am alone?
It depends, sometimes I'm plagued with obsessive, negative thoughts, other times I am content and happy. I often times get stuck thinking about addiction and using. At night when I try to fall asleep I often times replay old events in my head or make up new ones to get angry about. I create circumstances in which I am confronted and I respond violently or harshly as a means to get revenge on those who have hurt me in the past.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is feeling sorry for someone, love is caring about someone.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I tried to help a friend stop drinking, we both tried to quit at the same time and we both failed on and off. I acknowledged that I could not fix her, but I spoke of addiction very often, maybe not as a means to fix her, but just to have someone else to talk to who understood me. I think that I know better than try and fix alcoholics and addicts just because I have been told so many times that it is not possible and is unhealthy to do so.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I have learned to trust myself more and more, I believe that this is the best way to live. In the past I went to parties and did things that other people did to try and fit in. Now I do what feels right to me.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
It's kind of hard to answer some of these because I don't really understand what they are asking, also ones that deal directly with an alcoholic in my life are impossible to answer since no one in my immediate family is an alcoholic.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, the dysfunction in my family is not my fault and is out of my control.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits,
characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This doesn't really apply to me, I don't have an alcoholic family member.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
It makes me realize that I cannot change their behavior, they must do it themselves.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I don't do it as much as I think about it. I have constant fantasies of helping people overcome their problems or changing them. When people complain about weight loss or problems in their life, I want to help them and make them succeed. I think a lot of the time they don't really want help, they just want to complain. If I constantly try to please people by changing them or making their lives better, I will only disappoint myself and feel like a failure, it is not my job to change or help people.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I don't really tell people how I'm feeling or what I want. Instead I act out or try to send signals and hope that I am noticed, but even then I usually won't say what's really happening. It would be better if I expressed how I felt.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
This really doesn't apply to me, there isn't an alcoholic in my life.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be able to focus on myself instead of trying to focus on other people.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By realizing that they are not my problems, and I do not owe it to them to try and fix them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Yes, I reject the idea of 12 step programs and feel that there must be some lifestyle or belief system that will rid me of my troubles. I don't think that this is realistic and is just a way to avoid making progress.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
If my friends are sad or having a hard time, I feel that I have to make them feel better, and sometimes I get frustrated or feel inadequate if I am unable to do so.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When I was a kid, when my dad would get angry or upset, when he would have triggers I felt shame for that and sometimes blamed myself. I felt that I was the cause and if I was not present then he wouldn't feel that way.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I started these steps because I am unable to form healthy relationships with people and I want that to change.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
People say things about me sometimes, they ask why I'm single, why I'm angry. I don't think that I'm angry, but apparently I give off that impression, I get asked at work a lot if I am angry or sad, people also want to know why I don't date and I don't know how to respond to them. I don't feel comfortable just coming out and telling people about my life, I fear they will just turn around and back stab me and gossip.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have a hard time having relationships with people to the point that I isolate, I also have a hard time with drugs and alcohol, which I have no managed to eliminate from my life.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I feel incapable of forming my own opinions about things sometimes, instead I choose to follow other people because I don't believe that I can be right.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes, sometimes I say yes when I want to say no. I have given in to drugs and alcohol countless times, and every time that I do I feel that I have lost control and cannot manage my life.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
I don't really know, I tend to give people advice a lot, I try to help them overcome problems and feel like I need to make them succeed. I don't think that I favor other people over myself though.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When things are going well I am fearful for the fall. I feel that life is constantly up and down, and that if times are good, then bad times will surely follow. I feel afraid to experience joy, because if I do, I feel that I will somehow be punished or jinxed. If I let my guard down then life will slap me on the wrist and say "I told you so."
How well do I take care of myself?
Reasonably well, it's up and down. At times I eat well, sleep well and exercise, then for periods of time I'll skip meals, stay up really late and not exercise at all.
How do I feel when I am alone?
It depends, sometimes I'm plagued with obsessive, negative thoughts, other times I am content and happy. I often times get stuck thinking about addiction and using. At night when I try to fall asleep I often times replay old events in my head or make up new ones to get angry about. I create circumstances in which I am confronted and I respond violently or harshly as a means to get revenge on those who have hurt me in the past.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is feeling sorry for someone, love is caring about someone.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I tried to help a friend stop drinking, we both tried to quit at the same time and we both failed on and off. I acknowledged that I could not fix her, but I spoke of addiction very often, maybe not as a means to fix her, but just to have someone else to talk to who understood me. I think that I know better than try and fix alcoholics and addicts just because I have been told so many times that it is not possible and is unhealthy to do so.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I have learned to trust myself more and more, I believe that this is the best way to live. In the past I went to parties and did things that other people did to try and fit in. Now I do what feels right to me.
Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: ME
Posts: 14
How well do I take care of myself?
Pretty good. I exercise - I take fencing lessons, I hike and run with my dog (a gorgeous scottish deerhound). I try to eat well - but I like to bake and cook and make bread, so I'm eating as many calories as I burn. Svelte I am not. Strong, I am.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Usually good. I like to read, listen to music, watch movies, go for long walks. I even like cleaning the house with music blaring when the girls have done their chores and they are out of the house.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Admiral, I agree with your statement "Pity is feeling sorry for someone, love is caring about someone." I just have to add that Love is expansive it is itself open and opens the giver.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Not at all. As a nurse I like to empower and coach people. I fix problems not people.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes. I also trust my instincts. I laughingly call it my 'spidey sense'. Sometimes I'm not self-aware enough to put a name to it but I've somehow managed to not have to deal with people who are users or back stabbers because they 'make my antennae stand up'. People like that - we have a few at work - I interact with them happily and professionally and answer their investigative questions as if they were questioning me on the stand. I answer the question posed without elaboration and share nothing of my personal life. Someone at work - I've watched her be treated poorly by a coworker - and its so sad she is like a puppy. She keeps going back to this person 'to make friends'. She asked me how I deal with this person and I told her i don't need to be friends with you to work professionally with you. It is sad to watch; like an emotional car accident. source: Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anons Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Pretty good. I exercise - I take fencing lessons, I hike and run with my dog (a gorgeous scottish deerhound). I try to eat well - but I like to bake and cook and make bread, so I'm eating as many calories as I burn. Svelte I am not. Strong, I am.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Usually good. I like to read, listen to music, watch movies, go for long walks. I even like cleaning the house with music blaring when the girls have done their chores and they are out of the house.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Admiral, I agree with your statement "Pity is feeling sorry for someone, love is caring about someone." I just have to add that Love is expansive it is itself open and opens the giver.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Not at all. As a nurse I like to empower and coach people. I fix problems not people.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes. I also trust my instincts. I laughingly call it my 'spidey sense'. Sometimes I'm not self-aware enough to put a name to it but I've somehow managed to not have to deal with people who are users or back stabbers because they 'make my antennae stand up'. People like that - we have a few at work - I interact with them happily and professionally and answer their investigative questions as if they were questioning me on the stand. I answer the question posed without elaboration and share nothing of my personal life. Someone at work - I've watched her be treated poorly by a coworker - and its so sad she is like a puppy. She keeps going back to this person 'to make friends'. She asked me how I deal with this person and I told her i don't need to be friends with you to work professionally with you. It is sad to watch; like an emotional car accident. source: Questions from Paths To Recovery, Al-Anons Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I have come to accept that I cannot control anyones drinking or their behavior. whether they are an alcoholic and addict or any person with out any addictions.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits,
characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and addiction, and read a few alanon pamphlets....
and learning that alcohol and addiction are not choices but diseases makes it easier for me to understand and i look at the person differently.
I also realize that it doesnt matter if it is an alcoholic or a drug addict, EVERYONE makes decisions differently.... just some more dysfunctional than others.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?[/B]
I have constantly thought about how things would or could be only if this and only if that....i might have tried to change my qualifier or change the situation of the house hold to see if maybe that would help ... (if things were THIS way then it would all come together, etc) I have also tried to change or mold my children for a better word.... like trying to make them wear clothes or shoes i like and think they look good in, but they dont like them....i am learning to realize when its not what i like but what they do in certain situations to allow them to have their own style and to let them be themselves.
what i have learned is that we can try so much to change someone the way we think they should be, but what we need to do is step back, maybe give a little guidance if its a child, and let them grow as much as they can on their own.
this goes the same for any addict or adult in my life. the only thing i am accomplishing when i try to change someone to how i think they should be is exhausting myself and frustrating the people and the situation.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I have tried to manipulate situations to make it hard for the qualifier in my life to go get high or drunk, or to have them around to help me and make things alot easier for me,
It may be easier to realize when I am trying to manipulate a situation and learn to let go and let God. When I start to notice whats really going on I need to listen to my feelings to get down to the real reason Im trying to manipulate.
If its so I can try and keep tabs on someone I have to learn to let go... and if its to try and get an easier load on my shoulders, i might try being honest and communicating my needs instead of trying to force the situation .
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
When my qualifier (or anyone else for that matter) refuses to do or be what or who I would like I find that I get frustrated and angry. I need to start just accepting things and people for who and what they are.
I have responded in a rage or a fit in the past, but now that i am learning to accept things and that the only thing I can control is the way I act, its easier to think before just reacting on impulse.
some days this is hard to do I admit but being more in touch with my feelings and paying attention to them and why Im feeling this way or that helps alot
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
by stopping trying to change people I can focus more on myself and making my life better.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I dont think there is a quick fix. If there was one that would be awesome, but having to work on myself takes a lot of time and energy. After all, it took a long time to get the way that i am so its going to take a long time to get to who I want to be.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
sometimes I feel that I am responsible for my kids or my qualifiers happiness but all in all we are responsible for our own happiness.
I have always been the responsible parent for the most part, and thats a hard thing because everyone deserves a break and sometimes i cannot always be there.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
sometimes I feel embarrased by the way someone acts , especially in public, i feel this way because i think it is a direct reflection of who i am and how i act. when it isnt . and i shouldnt care what people think,
sometimes i feel ashamed because i feel like my husband should have groomed better or dressed better or should act more appropriate but i have come to realize that if i dont like how someone is acting or feel embarrassed I can try and detach or if its possible I can physically remove myself from the situation.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came to Alanon a few years ago after I left my husband and moved out of the house with our children . It wasnt a pretty sight.
After a month of being away we moved back, he was in recovery and I started to go the meetings.
once things started getting better I figured that things would be ok as long as he was still going to his meetings I would take care of everything at home.....that didnt end well.....
THIS time around I take my recovery more serious. I realize that I need to address things in MY life and how I deal with them, so I try to get to at least one meeting a week, do alot of alanon reading and come here.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples
my family and friends have all expressed concerns about my decisions . I do know what any normal person would do or say or change in my past situation, and I have even done so. but sticking with it and following through I havent always done.
Working the steps is helping alot its making me a stronger person and I have to say that I dont think that my family or friends really know how hard it is to be codependent and to make decisions and stick to them.
I have witnessed three of my aunts in horrible relationships when I was growing up and I just couldnt understand why they didnt leave the men they were with who treated them so badly. like i would get so disgusted with them and think wow that wouldnt be me. but here I am. things arent bad bad we are both in recovery but what I am trying to say is sometimes people just dont know what another is going through and how hard it is to make good choices if they havent been there before.
the good thing is that as long as i am working on me, I will be strong enough and be present in my own future, and know exactly how and why I got there, knowing I deserve it because I worked my way there, asking my HP for guidance everyday.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I know my life is unmanageable when I find my self so enmeshed with others and what they are doing and not paying attention to my own needs and duties. when my house is dirty, when my feelings are off, and im not doing the work to find out why and to follow through with what i need to do for ME.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I have sought approval from others by trying to be just like the people I want to fit in with. or do things for them i think would make them like me or appreciate me more.
I have seeked out attention in bad ways to feel needed or important for someone only for it to back fire and only make me feel pathetic and worse about myself.
i have said bad things about myself just to hear someone disagree and tell me something good about myself.
the good thing is that since I communicate with my HP everyday and ask for guidance to do the things HE has me destined for, I dont feel the need to seek attention, and if that little thought crosses my mind it doesnt stay for long. i would rather please my HP and be the person I am destined to be.
Affirmation and acceptance from my HP is all I really need and it helps me stay out of trouble.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have said yes when i didnt want to so people wouldnt get upset with me. Now, i have no problem saying no if I think it might make my life overwhelming.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
i used to go out of my way to help people. because that meant I didnt have to deal with my own problems which really needed to be addressed.
what happened was resentments would form because at first they would be so grateful for my help but then they would come to expect it . I would be SO tired from trying to do for everyone else it would make my life even worse than it already was.
Im glad to be working on me. finally.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
It feels weird for life to go smooth like its just a false sense of security and im waiting for the facade to end. I dont anticipate problems I try to be positive, its taking some getting used to .... after years of drama and crisis, i have come to expect bad things and sometimes i dont know how to act or what to do with my anger or rage but the good thing is i am aware of my feelings and can decide what to do with them.
yes i have felt more alive in the midst of a crisis because it is what im used to. but its also not healty, so working the steps helps me grow.
How well do I take care of myself?
there is room for improvement.
right now Im working on my inner self, talking with my HP every day, asking for guidance and praying and praising....
the outer appearance of myself i need to work on more....
i have started to eat healthier, just need to start exercise.
It will all come together, I just figure its more important to be healthy on the inside than the outside right now...
you can be so beautiful on the outside but what good does it do if you're unhealthy, unstable, or evil on the inside?
yes doing my make up and hair and trying to look my best everyday does give me confidence and self esteem but its a false sense. I like the beauty to come from with in first , and then look out world cuz I must say I am not a bad looking woman lol
How do I feel when I am alone?
I used to not like being alone, this is the time I would start the bad attention seeking. because i had a void i needed filled. but now with my HP i dont need to feel this way and I am not ever alone. He is always with me.
everyone needs alone time and i have come to enjoy it. meditate and pray or make lists on what i need to do.... i have never been organized always was too busy but now I use my time more productively and I like the way its going.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is to feel sorrow for someone or a situation.
love is an affection you feel for someone or something that makes you feel happy for the most part
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I am afraid that I might be attract alcoholics or others who may feel they can violate or take advantage of me actually. When I see someone buying a case of beer I get disgusted. I get turned off. so it wont be me trying to strike up a conversation with anyone i knowingly has to be a case of beer on a weeknight or even a friday night for that matter, alcohol has totally disgusted me, I admit once in a while a drink would be nice for ME to unwind but the effect it has had on my family through my husband i am not going to bring it in the house, i think my kids are just as disgussted as I am about any alcoholic beverages.
I am not trying to fix any alcoholic. i would rather just isolate myself away from them asapp
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I trust my feelings. sometimes i dont like them but I am aware of them and willing to work the program to get to be the person I am meant to be.....
I have come to accept that I cannot control anyones drinking or their behavior. whether they are an alcoholic and addict or any person with out any addictions.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits,
characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have done alot of reading about alcoholism and addiction, and read a few alanon pamphlets....
and learning that alcohol and addiction are not choices but diseases makes it easier for me to understand and i look at the person differently.
I also realize that it doesnt matter if it is an alcoholic or a drug addict, EVERYONE makes decisions differently.... just some more dysfunctional than others.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?[/B]
I have constantly thought about how things would or could be only if this and only if that....i might have tried to change my qualifier or change the situation of the house hold to see if maybe that would help ... (if things were THIS way then it would all come together, etc) I have also tried to change or mold my children for a better word.... like trying to make them wear clothes or shoes i like and think they look good in, but they dont like them....i am learning to realize when its not what i like but what they do in certain situations to allow them to have their own style and to let them be themselves.
what i have learned is that we can try so much to change someone the way we think they should be, but what we need to do is step back, maybe give a little guidance if its a child, and let them grow as much as they can on their own.
this goes the same for any addict or adult in my life. the only thing i am accomplishing when i try to change someone to how i think they should be is exhausting myself and frustrating the people and the situation.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I have tried to manipulate situations to make it hard for the qualifier in my life to go get high or drunk, or to have them around to help me and make things alot easier for me,
It may be easier to realize when I am trying to manipulate a situation and learn to let go and let God. When I start to notice whats really going on I need to listen to my feelings to get down to the real reason Im trying to manipulate.
If its so I can try and keep tabs on someone I have to learn to let go... and if its to try and get an easier load on my shoulders, i might try being honest and communicating my needs instead of trying to force the situation .
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
When my qualifier (or anyone else for that matter) refuses to do or be what or who I would like I find that I get frustrated and angry. I need to start just accepting things and people for who and what they are.
I have responded in a rage or a fit in the past, but now that i am learning to accept things and that the only thing I can control is the way I act, its easier to think before just reacting on impulse.
some days this is hard to do I admit but being more in touch with my feelings and paying attention to them and why Im feeling this way or that helps alot
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
by stopping trying to change people I can focus more on myself and making my life better.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I dont think there is a quick fix. If there was one that would be awesome, but having to work on myself takes a lot of time and energy. After all, it took a long time to get the way that i am so its going to take a long time to get to who I want to be.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
sometimes I feel that I am responsible for my kids or my qualifiers happiness but all in all we are responsible for our own happiness.
I have always been the responsible parent for the most part, and thats a hard thing because everyone deserves a break and sometimes i cannot always be there.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
sometimes I feel embarrased by the way someone acts , especially in public, i feel this way because i think it is a direct reflection of who i am and how i act. when it isnt . and i shouldnt care what people think,
sometimes i feel ashamed because i feel like my husband should have groomed better or dressed better or should act more appropriate but i have come to realize that if i dont like how someone is acting or feel embarrassed I can try and detach or if its possible I can physically remove myself from the situation.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came to Alanon a few years ago after I left my husband and moved out of the house with our children . It wasnt a pretty sight.
After a month of being away we moved back, he was in recovery and I started to go the meetings.
once things started getting better I figured that things would be ok as long as he was still going to his meetings I would take care of everything at home.....that didnt end well.....
THIS time around I take my recovery more serious. I realize that I need to address things in MY life and how I deal with them, so I try to get to at least one meeting a week, do alot of alanon reading and come here.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples
my family and friends have all expressed concerns about my decisions . I do know what any normal person would do or say or change in my past situation, and I have even done so. but sticking with it and following through I havent always done.
Working the steps is helping alot its making me a stronger person and I have to say that I dont think that my family or friends really know how hard it is to be codependent and to make decisions and stick to them.
I have witnessed three of my aunts in horrible relationships when I was growing up and I just couldnt understand why they didnt leave the men they were with who treated them so badly. like i would get so disgusted with them and think wow that wouldnt be me. but here I am. things arent bad bad we are both in recovery but what I am trying to say is sometimes people just dont know what another is going through and how hard it is to make good choices if they havent been there before.
the good thing is that as long as i am working on me, I will be strong enough and be present in my own future, and know exactly how and why I got there, knowing I deserve it because I worked my way there, asking my HP for guidance everyday.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I know my life is unmanageable when I find my self so enmeshed with others and what they are doing and not paying attention to my own needs and duties. when my house is dirty, when my feelings are off, and im not doing the work to find out why and to follow through with what i need to do for ME.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I have sought approval from others by trying to be just like the people I want to fit in with. or do things for them i think would make them like me or appreciate me more.
I have seeked out attention in bad ways to feel needed or important for someone only for it to back fire and only make me feel pathetic and worse about myself.
i have said bad things about myself just to hear someone disagree and tell me something good about myself.
the good thing is that since I communicate with my HP everyday and ask for guidance to do the things HE has me destined for, I dont feel the need to seek attention, and if that little thought crosses my mind it doesnt stay for long. i would rather please my HP and be the person I am destined to be.
Affirmation and acceptance from my HP is all I really need and it helps me stay out of trouble.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have said yes when i didnt want to so people wouldnt get upset with me. Now, i have no problem saying no if I think it might make my life overwhelming.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
i used to go out of my way to help people. because that meant I didnt have to deal with my own problems which really needed to be addressed.
what happened was resentments would form because at first they would be so grateful for my help but then they would come to expect it . I would be SO tired from trying to do for everyone else it would make my life even worse than it already was.
Im glad to be working on me. finally.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
It feels weird for life to go smooth like its just a false sense of security and im waiting for the facade to end. I dont anticipate problems I try to be positive, its taking some getting used to .... after years of drama and crisis, i have come to expect bad things and sometimes i dont know how to act or what to do with my anger or rage but the good thing is i am aware of my feelings and can decide what to do with them.
yes i have felt more alive in the midst of a crisis because it is what im used to. but its also not healty, so working the steps helps me grow.
How well do I take care of myself?
there is room for improvement.
right now Im working on my inner self, talking with my HP every day, asking for guidance and praying and praising....
the outer appearance of myself i need to work on more....
i have started to eat healthier, just need to start exercise.
It will all come together, I just figure its more important to be healthy on the inside than the outside right now...
you can be so beautiful on the outside but what good does it do if you're unhealthy, unstable, or evil on the inside?
yes doing my make up and hair and trying to look my best everyday does give me confidence and self esteem but its a false sense. I like the beauty to come from with in first , and then look out world cuz I must say I am not a bad looking woman lol
How do I feel when I am alone?
I used to not like being alone, this is the time I would start the bad attention seeking. because i had a void i needed filled. but now with my HP i dont need to feel this way and I am not ever alone. He is always with me.
everyone needs alone time and i have come to enjoy it. meditate and pray or make lists on what i need to do.... i have never been organized always was too busy but now I use my time more productively and I like the way its going.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is to feel sorrow for someone or a situation.
love is an affection you feel for someone or something that makes you feel happy for the most part
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I am afraid that I might be attract alcoholics or others who may feel they can violate or take advantage of me actually. When I see someone buying a case of beer I get disgusted. I get turned off. so it wont be me trying to strike up a conversation with anyone i knowingly has to be a case of beer on a weeknight or even a friday night for that matter, alcohol has totally disgusted me, I admit once in a while a drink would be nice for ME to unwind but the effect it has had on my family through my husband i am not going to bring it in the house, i think my kids are just as disgussted as I am about any alcoholic beverages.
I am not trying to fix any alcoholic. i would rather just isolate myself away from them asapp
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I trust my feelings. sometimes i dont like them but I am aware of them and willing to work the program to get to be the person I am meant to be.....
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