shinebright7

Just got the book Path's to Recovery yesterday at a meeting...

It was the best meeting I've been to out of the 5 that I've been to and I'm really grateful for that.

So last night I got into step one and underlined a ton of things.

Then I was so glad today to find this forum and then see that you had a step study thread like this. It's just what I needed!

One of the parts that I underlined that actually made me laugh out loud was:

"Today I know that I am powerless over all the nouns and pronouns in my life -- other persons, places, and things."

Something about the way that was written hit me in just the right spot. Maybe it's because I used to be a teacher and it's one of the only contexts where I tend to hear people talk about nouns and pronouns. haha

But it was just what I need to hear because not only am I powerless over alcohol...and what my addict husband does when he's using...

But I am powerless over him when he's not using...
And I'm powerless over what happens when I get in the car...
And when I get on the phone with my sister and we start talking...
I'm powerless over the weather...
And I'm powerless over my health...
I'm powerless over the silverware in my drawer and the birds flying overhead.

Everything!

When I get still and think about this, it goes so deep like a meditation. And that's exactly what I need.

I also realized that this part about how my life had become unmanageable because I was so busy taking care of others that I didn't have time to take care of myself...has been going on in my life for a longggggg time.

Where as many addicts and alcoholics talk about remembering their first drink with such vivid memory and how it affected them, I remember the moment when I first felt the compelling need to take care of someone else rather than myself -- and that set into a motion a lifetime of feeling like I needed to do that.

So here I am...my life is unmanageable because I have catered to others...because of the way I react to my husband's using and try to control him...because I have reacted to other things by trying to control them and that is just NOT WORKING for me anymore.

I am powerless over my husband when he is using -- absolutely. But I'm powerless over him at all times is even truer. And I'm powerless over all the other things too. Wow, just typing that again I take a big sigh and release it. It is very freeing and I am looking forward to spending more time with this step and answering some of the questions.

shinebright7

Yeah - I'm taking this in.

Whether I'm near my husband or whether he is far away, he will use if he wants to use.

No amount of my crying, begging, asking, or guilting him can make him not do it. I saw this was especially true when he was using and there was no stopping him for the time he was into his binge. He was set on doing it and I couldn't stop it. Especially my worrying about it did not stop it either -- but it really made me feel sick and insane.

Along the lines of the quote from my first post about how I am powerless over all nouns and pronouns in my life...yes, I am also powerless over another's behavior.

I have noticed myself, since starting step 1 this weekend, being quieter in conversations. Listening more and saying less. I am not getting involved in things where I am not asked for my opinion.

And then if I do contribute something, I am trying to be mindful about not being attached to whether my contribution is appreciate or followed or anything.

So what if I suggested something? Doesn't mean anyone has to do it, or that it was the right suggestion, or that it would be a good idea. It's just something I thought and shared. (Like suggesting to my husband that he file an extension for his mom's taxes since she is in the hospital now and can't get to all her papers.)

It does not matter to me whether he follows through with that or not, but the idea is out there now and he will do what he wants with the information - just like he will do what he wants with substances.

Deep breath.

I am coming to accept more and more that I can not control others -- especially my husband, and especially his actions around using substances.

Currently he is dry and not using. I did not make this happen either. It was not because of something I said or something I didn't say that is making him not drink.

It's always going to be his choice. Totally up to him. I do not need to see any false sense of proof that make it seem like I am controlling him or making something happen.

Yes, we have had talks about him not using - and he said that he wants to be sober so we can have a baby, etc. but for me to think that it was something I did that contributed to him not using right now, is foolish. It's misleading. And it's destructive to me because it could lead me to believe that I can control him one way or the other. And I can't.

Really this question and this level of acceptance feels good.

It lets me off the hook for trying to manage so many other people's lives. As if I don't have a full time job just taking care of myself right now?

I need all the resources I can muster for myself - and this step and this question is bringing me back to realize that I am powerless over all other things - nouns and pronouns and heck, all the verbs (behaviors) too!

It's a blessing and a gift to get to pull back my attempts at control. They weren't working and they were wearing me out anyway. Not a good look. ;-)

shinebright7

Still hanging out in the understanding and grokking that my life is unmanageable.

I am powerless over addiction and my life has become unmanageable.
i am powerless over addiction and my life has become unmanageable.

unmanageable.

I want to lay in bed all day.
I mostly only think about addiction stuff and al anon stuff.
i am afraid to hear my phone ring
i mentally stew over what to say or do
i have tried controlling my husband and counting pills, hiding my Rx's, emptying his pockets and checking his bank statements before I even knew that these are things that so many of us codependents do.
i have cried and cried and cried
and I have raged and felt like exploding
i am avoiding my friends.
i have not unpacked from my trip from a week ago
i feel depressed
and a million other things
i can not do my work properly
i am not enjoying activities I used to enjoy doing.

my life has become unmanageable

my life has become unmanageable.

i am powerless over the addiction and my life has become unmanageable

i can't take good care of myself right now
i have difficulty trusting myself
i am being retriggered into old traumatic pain
emotionally I am a mess
i just want to check out
and sleep
and find a time travel machine.

i am powerless over addiction and my life has become UNMANAGEABLE

shinebright7

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

In the month that I have been in Al Anon I have come to see that it is. I didn't know anything about the nature of addiction of alcoholism before this time. Like many others, I thought it was a choice. A bad habit. Not something that they had no control over. I thought it was a defect of their character. But not so.

These people are beautiful wonderful human beings -- with an illness - just like I have my own health condition, it does not define me. It is something I have in the body and I have symptoms if I don't take care of it and I need to treat it with proper care and attention.

The same is true for my addict and alcoholic brothers and sisters (figuratively speaking.) They are sick with a condition and need proper treatment as well. And will power does not make it go away anymore than will power will make my own physical health condition go away.

I need to hear myself say that because I see that I am expecting my AH to take responsibility for the disease of his addiction, but there are many ways that I have NOT taken responsibility for my own chronic health condition that will also worsen over time if I am not taking care of it.

This is an opportunity through these 12 steps to bring the focus back to me in SO MANY WAYS -- and definitely I will seek to apply it to my own physical health in addition to my spiritual and emotional health too.

I am practicing to see my husband as separate from his disease. He does not, as of yet, see addiction as a disease. He sees it as a matter of choice. But I see it as disease, and it helps me take things less personally. It helps me have more compassion. It helps me understand him and his actions better.

I'm grateful to finally see that addiction and alcoholism is a disease. And that it's treatable with a SPIRITUAL SOLUTION.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

Ugh. So many ways. But right now to think of my husband, I have tried to OVER LOVE him and give him the love I think he didn't get growing up as if he needs that now. And as if getting that love could make him feel whole and good again. But the "hole" never fills up. My love is never enough to make him want to stop using. He just does it because of whatever reasons he has...but I can NEVER STOP HIM.

Always in relationships when I try to love the other person too much (in this particular relationship) and when I tried to GUILT the other into changing (in my last relationship) or suffer enough so that they would want to change...I wind up losing myself. I feel lost and sick and confused about who I am. I don't even like myself anymore is one of the major consequences.

Also I just get overly caring. I dote on my husband. I baby him.

Last night he indicated that he liked it. And he is afraid that as I keep doing al anon that I am going to distance myself from him and stop being so loving and caring.

I told him my tendency would be to go online and print out all the AA meetings in the area and highlight the ones that are nearby and give it to him...but that I can't do that because he needs to take responsibility for his own recovery. And he can do it!

He's worried that I won't make him food anymore or won't help him with things and just be a loving part in our marriage. I told him that some things may change, but I have to take care of myself and he has to find his own way with some things -- especially things related to his addiction. I will not take responsibility for those things anymore.

What means have I used to get what I want? What means may be better?

Lately I have been using sex to get what I want. I want to feel connected and safe and so when I am in a good mood, I go for sex with him because we have not been talking to each other all that much.

Often times, I CRY to get what I want. Ugh. So manipulative. But at the time, I didn't know another way.

Now I can PAUSE. And try not to interact with others when I am Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. Sad/scared/stressed whatever all those S ones can mean. haha

How do I feel when the addict refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

In the past I have taken it personally. I feel so sad. Sometimes full of rage actually. I feel crazed with rage. I feel unloved. Sometimes I feel hopeless. And doomed to a difficult life. I get scared. Really so many things happen...because I am making my happiness dependent on what someone else does and that's what I need to stop doing. I am powerless over others. And therefore, they are powerless over me -- they can not make me feel one way or the other. Only I do that.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the addict or anyone else for that matter?

I would probably be a lot healthier myself. I do worry that they would think, as i mentioned above, that I don't care about them anymore. Because my ways of trying to change others are not so overt and mean. But are hidden under being nice and stuff like that. So if I stop being nice in those ways because that's how I am subtly trying to change them, I worry that they might have their feelings hurt, but it's really less kind to try to change them and more kind to let them have their own path.

My husband seems to want me to take care of him and baby him sometimes. He wouldn't see it as babying him, but he sees it as kindness and loving -- and it's something he didn't get a lot of when he was little at all. so now that I am giving it to him, it feels good. but i know that he's going to have to find it himself and I can't provide love to him in a certain way -- he has to start finding it with his own higher power and loving himself at some point.

I know that i need to stop trying to change other though. I have to take care of myself and i am willing to do it even if it means that others will feel what they feel as I start changing my ways. i trust that i will be okay.

How can I let go of others' problems instead of making them my own?

I can notice that often times they are not asking me for help and sometime I am just jumping in and helping them anyway. That's not necessary. I can remember that the struggle the little bird makes in getting out of the egg is necessary in strengthening itself to be able to fly and live later. Same for a butterfly and the baby sea turtles waddling down to the waves. They need some of the struggle on their own and to solve their own problems so that they can get stronger. I also have enough of my own issues to tend to and do not have extra energy to spare on everyone else anymore. I really need to conserve my energies for myself.

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I have definitely wanted quick fixes in my life...but I am slowly coming to make friends with the idea of practice and patience. that these things didn't become problems in my life overnight and they will not go away overnight either. I can tend to them regularly with love and make progress...not instant perfection.

mia82

Hi shinrebright, I just spent time reading all of your posts and must say that I did so because I could 100% relate to you.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and am here to try and to through the steps. I will be working on step 1 now. I wonder how does one know if step 1 is completed to the extent that you should move on? Anyways, I think you are definitely on the right path and I am happy for you. I am also happy that you are still with him, I guess that's what we want, too, for others to accept us the way we are, although we are 'messed' up as I'd often call it.

shinebright7

Thank you for your comment -- I got a sponsor last week so I am following her lead in terms of how long I stay focused on a particular step.

As I stay in step 1 longer I am seeing how naturally I want to flow and am being led to step 2 and 3.

It's pretty wild to see that!

For me I am spending more time with the powerlessness part. I get that my life is unmanageable. Ugh!

But I continue to think that I can control things -- so I am really taking in the powerlessness part and can feel I need more reading, discussion, understanding, insight, surrender, grace, etc around this topic.

Open aa meetings help me realize that I can not control it, cause it, or cure it.

Powerless I am! (Yoda version) ha ha

shinebright7

In the last few days I have realized that it is better for me if I DO NOT get what I want.

It's better for me if things go "terribly wrong"...

Because at least then I will have more proof that MY WILL is not what it's all about.

Every time I hope for something and it comes true...

Every time I tell my husband what he should do and then he does it...

My mind has an opportunity to tell myself that the change happened because of something I did or said.

But that is NOT what I want to believe.

I do not want to continue to tell myself that I am able to control other people and situations.

So I've stopped praying for my husband's recovery.

Stopped praying and hoping that he will go to meetings.

Stopped praying and hoping that he will not use again.

Those things are none of my business!

And if he does go to a meeting...and he does abstain from drugs and alcohol...I don't want my ego to be able to weasel its way in and say "Yeah he did that because of what you said or did ShineBright."

So I am just trying to back off 100%.

I need more proof of my powerlessness -- not of the illusion that makes it seem like I can control someone else.

When I admit my powerlessness and really take in the truth of it, I feel much more relaxed now and my life instantly feels more manageable.

gubersbunny

SB7 reading some of what you have written is like reading my own writings. Every line brings about a be understanding of my own acceptance that I have no power of control over anything but me.
I am my own responsibility no one else's and no one else is mine. If I want to be happy and healthy I have to give up trying to control everything around me.

Eve13

Question:

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

I can understand that alcoholism is a disease. However, just as if my loved one had diabetes, continued to eat sugary foods, not take insulin, not lose weight, am I not entitled to my feelings of frustration and anger over the lack of care for themselves, and the harm this is doing? I feel angry, and in a group meeting was told basically that I should not feel anger, as addicts cannot help it. Well, I feel what I feel. And I do turn this over to a HP - it's not in my control. Thoughts? Advise?

Hanna

I don't think it's ever productive to tell someone they shouldn't feel what they are feeling.
You have a right to your feelings and your feelings have a purpose.

Maybe the person that told you that has not felt they have a right to feel anger about their own loved one's behavior. It's hard to believe anyone could come to the point that they need an Al-anon meeting without ever having been angry about what's happening in their lives.

I've never attended a meeting where someone gave that kind of feedback to another person (or any feedback at all.) My thought is that person doesn't quite get the nature or intent of twelve step meetings if they gave you that kind of direct (or even passive) feedback. While they are working your program for you, they are neglecting their own.

My advise is to just accept and acknowledge that they feel that way without agreeing with the premise. The nature of this thing is that we are just a bunch of people all in the same boat, not infallible.