Working Through Step One
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
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Working Through Step One
I printed off the questions that I found on here to help me work through this step. I have some time before my lunch break is up, so I'm going to get started. Thanks to everyone for reading and supporting my other post in this section.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking/drug use? Another person's behavior?
I have been in the process of coming to this realization for the last few months. I have to let people be who they want to be. All of my pleading and nagging and detective work in regard to my AH has not helped one iota. Although I can't control another doesn't mean I have to allow their negative choices to affect me. I can control my own life and I can put up healthy boundaries. I have to keep my own boundaries in place.
Do I accept that alcoholism/substance abuse is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker/substance abuser?
I do recognize it is a disease. In the beginning, this particular realization just helped me become more codependent. Since my AH has a disease, I needed to take care of him. He can't help it. He's sick. He needs me.
Yes it is a disease but my AH is still perfectly capable of making choices. Having this disease does not absolve him from his responsibilities or his consequences. But, becasue it is a disease, I realize that he can not "just stop using." His brain has been altered and that is out of his control. He can, however, try to live a sober life each day. He will have this disease forever but he does not have to choose to die from it. He can choose to fight it and live one day at a time.
Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?Yes, and it doesn't work. It may appear to work for a while but each person is the master of their own being. If they choose to give in to me to appease me, it's not the authentic them. I've also changed for people and it just makes me miserable.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?Wow! I'm very creative and I've used lots of means to get what I want and need. I hate to give away all my secret moves though......
I've used encouragement, manipulation, guilt, shame, I've enlisted others to help in order to bring peer pressure onto the person, the list goes on. I have to realize that my needs are my needs and it's not up to someone else to meet them.
I feel lonely, scared, sad, and anxious when my AH uses. If I don't want to continue to feel that way, I need to set up my own boundaries and stick to them. I can not make him alleviate any of those feelings for me. I can not love him soooo much that he will in turn love me back, stop using, make me feel secure, wanted, bold, and happy.
How do I feel when the alcoholic/substance abuser refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
In the past I would feel angry and then lost and then desperate when my AH wouldn't do what I wanted (stay sober, keep a good job, help around the yard or house, etc.). I would feel as if I weren't good enough for him to just straighten up. I would respond with care and concern at first, then I would withdraw from my AH, do what I thought was "his share" and allow resentment to build until I couldn't stand to be around him, all while pretending to the outside that our marriage was perfect.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic/substance abuser or anyone else?
Oh, God! They might die! That fear is probably what kept me on this rollercoaster of insanity. If I don't help my AH, he will die. Not only will he die, he'll probably go to Hell, which is worse than just dying.
But even if I keep trying to change my AH, this could very well happen. When I stop trying to change him, I remove myself from the 'equation' and allow God to work on my AH.
If I stop trying to change my AH or others, they are free to be who they want to be. I'm all for allowing a person to have their dignity. I'd never thought of it like that before.
Ok, enough for now.....I'll work on this more later.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking/drug use? Another person's behavior?
I have been in the process of coming to this realization for the last few months. I have to let people be who they want to be. All of my pleading and nagging and detective work in regard to my AH has not helped one iota. Although I can't control another doesn't mean I have to allow their negative choices to affect me. I can control my own life and I can put up healthy boundaries. I have to keep my own boundaries in place.
Do I accept that alcoholism/substance abuse is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker/substance abuser?
I do recognize it is a disease. In the beginning, this particular realization just helped me become more codependent. Since my AH has a disease, I needed to take care of him. He can't help it. He's sick. He needs me.
Yes it is a disease but my AH is still perfectly capable of making choices. Having this disease does not absolve him from his responsibilities or his consequences. But, becasue it is a disease, I realize that he can not "just stop using." His brain has been altered and that is out of his control. He can, however, try to live a sober life each day. He will have this disease forever but he does not have to choose to die from it. He can choose to fight it and live one day at a time.
Have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?Yes, and it doesn't work. It may appear to work for a while but each person is the master of their own being. If they choose to give in to me to appease me, it's not the authentic them. I've also changed for people and it just makes me miserable.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?Wow! I'm very creative and I've used lots of means to get what I want and need. I hate to give away all my secret moves though......
I've used encouragement, manipulation, guilt, shame, I've enlisted others to help in order to bring peer pressure onto the person, the list goes on. I have to realize that my needs are my needs and it's not up to someone else to meet them.
I feel lonely, scared, sad, and anxious when my AH uses. If I don't want to continue to feel that way, I need to set up my own boundaries and stick to them. I can not make him alleviate any of those feelings for me. I can not love him soooo much that he will in turn love me back, stop using, make me feel secure, wanted, bold, and happy.
How do I feel when the alcoholic/substance abuser refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
In the past I would feel angry and then lost and then desperate when my AH wouldn't do what I wanted (stay sober, keep a good job, help around the yard or house, etc.). I would feel as if I weren't good enough for him to just straighten up. I would respond with care and concern at first, then I would withdraw from my AH, do what I thought was "his share" and allow resentment to build until I couldn't stand to be around him, all while pretending to the outside that our marriage was perfect.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic/substance abuser or anyone else?
Oh, God! They might die! That fear is probably what kept me on this rollercoaster of insanity. If I don't help my AH, he will die. Not only will he die, he'll probably go to Hell, which is worse than just dying.
But even if I keep trying to change my AH, this could very well happen. When I stop trying to change him, I remove myself from the 'equation' and allow God to work on my AH.
If I stop trying to change my AH or others, they are free to be who they want to be. I'm all for allowing a person to have their dignity. I'd never thought of it like that before.
Ok, enough for now.....I'll work on this more later.
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