I have a lot of work ahead of me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 63
I have a lot of work ahead of me!
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I am an addict, an obsessive addict. I want my family members to stop drinking but they will not. I am a controlling person who wants to help those I love to stop drinking but they will not. So it is my responsibility to change myself. I cannot help them because I am powerless over alcohol. I accept this intellectually but emotionally it is too soon. This is where I have a lot of work.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
The alcoholic is controlled by a substance. If they drink too much the night before, they have a hangover the next morning causing them not to show up at work. The alcoholic doesn't think about helping anyone else but themselves. I am a conscientious and responsible person. I am also a recovering alcoholic so I understand what happens when you depend on a substance. I have good goals, I try to stay as healthy as possible, I am happy except when I deal with the alcoholics in my family.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I guess I don't accept alcoholism as a disease otherwise I wouldn't have lectured my brother when I picked him up from the hospital at 4:00am this past Wednesday after he was arrested. I was very angry because he is like a blob of nothing. He never helps me with my 91 and 92 year old mother and aunt. But I am always there to pick up his pieces!
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I tried to get my aunt to cooperate with the home health people that I hired and she wouldn't, so we had a fight. People don't like to be told what to do so I try to mind my own business. The alcoholics keeps showing up in my life though.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
This past week was a disaster with my brother getting arrested etc. I just happened to have a session in therapy which was a good one and when I left and headed to work I turned my phone off. I had a delightful afternoon at work, getting all my projects done. When I headed home, I turned my phone on. My niece had called me and was furious because I didn't call her and tell her why her father was arrested. That was a whole nasty hour of texting! So what works to get my needs met? Turning the phone off at intervals, making myself unavailable to people who only have their needs to be met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get angry and tell them so but I always wind up helping them.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I don't know. I guess I would be focused on myself and my needs.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I don't know!! I wish someone could help me with this. I guess I ignore their problems?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Probably. I know this will be a lot of work and take a long time for me to change.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In most situations. I am responsible for my aunt and mother. I own a customer service business where my son and daughter work. So not only am I responsible for the needs of my customers but also for the employment of my two kids.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I don't usually feel shame or embarrassment for other's behavior. Only when I do something stupid do I feel embarrassed.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
The alcoholics in my family brought me here. This is new to me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I am very stressed. My doctor, my therapist and my personal trainer tell me I have to let go of the stress. I think I killed my adrenals.
But I am working on it and we will see where I go.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
It's not.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I go to a therapist but my time with her is done. She knows I am just looking for approval. She knows I am on the right track but always doubt myself.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have been saying no a lot lately. It makes me feel awful but I know it is the right thing. I feel more in control of my own needs when I say no.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes I do take care of others easily. I am working on taking care of myself. I get a little frightened when life goes smoothly. Oh wait, has it gone smoothly in the last 25 years? I hate a crisis.
How well do I take care of myself?
I work out every 3 days. I am training for a 5k right now. I go to a Naturopath every three months.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I am not thrilled to be alone.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity makes you better than the person you are pitying. Love means you are equals and whenever something goes wrong, you and the person you love should be able to get through it together.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I may have been attracted to people who need me but I'm not now. I am sick of it. I have tried to fix them by being available to get them back on track.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust my own feelings. Yes, I know what my feelings are. I just get this doubt in my head when I know I have done the right thing and for instance, my brother, treats me like a pariah because I didn't agree with his actions when he got arrested.
I can see by my answers that I have a lot of work ahead of me!
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I am an addict, an obsessive addict. I want my family members to stop drinking but they will not. I am a controlling person who wants to help those I love to stop drinking but they will not. So it is my responsibility to change myself. I cannot help them because I am powerless over alcohol. I accept this intellectually but emotionally it is too soon. This is where I have a lot of work.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
The alcoholic is controlled by a substance. If they drink too much the night before, they have a hangover the next morning causing them not to show up at work. The alcoholic doesn't think about helping anyone else but themselves. I am a conscientious and responsible person. I am also a recovering alcoholic so I understand what happens when you depend on a substance. I have good goals, I try to stay as healthy as possible, I am happy except when I deal with the alcoholics in my family.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I guess I don't accept alcoholism as a disease otherwise I wouldn't have lectured my brother when I picked him up from the hospital at 4:00am this past Wednesday after he was arrested. I was very angry because he is like a blob of nothing. He never helps me with my 91 and 92 year old mother and aunt. But I am always there to pick up his pieces!
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I tried to get my aunt to cooperate with the home health people that I hired and she wouldn't, so we had a fight. People don't like to be told what to do so I try to mind my own business. The alcoholics keeps showing up in my life though.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
This past week was a disaster with my brother getting arrested etc. I just happened to have a session in therapy which was a good one and when I left and headed to work I turned my phone off. I had a delightful afternoon at work, getting all my projects done. When I headed home, I turned my phone on. My niece had called me and was furious because I didn't call her and tell her why her father was arrested. That was a whole nasty hour of texting! So what works to get my needs met? Turning the phone off at intervals, making myself unavailable to people who only have their needs to be met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get angry and tell them so but I always wind up helping them.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I don't know. I guess I would be focused on myself and my needs.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I don't know!! I wish someone could help me with this. I guess I ignore their problems?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Probably. I know this will be a lot of work and take a long time for me to change.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In most situations. I am responsible for my aunt and mother. I own a customer service business where my son and daughter work. So not only am I responsible for the needs of my customers but also for the employment of my two kids.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I don't usually feel shame or embarrassment for other's behavior. Only when I do something stupid do I feel embarrassed.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
The alcoholics in my family brought me here. This is new to me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I am very stressed. My doctor, my therapist and my personal trainer tell me I have to let go of the stress. I think I killed my adrenals.
But I am working on it and we will see where I go.How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
It's not.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I go to a therapist but my time with her is done. She knows I am just looking for approval. She knows I am on the right track but always doubt myself.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have been saying no a lot lately. It makes me feel awful but I know it is the right thing. I feel more in control of my own needs when I say no.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes I do take care of others easily. I am working on taking care of myself. I get a little frightened when life goes smoothly. Oh wait, has it gone smoothly in the last 25 years? I hate a crisis.
How well do I take care of myself?
I work out every 3 days. I am training for a 5k right now. I go to a Naturopath every three months.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I am not thrilled to be alone.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity makes you better than the person you are pitying. Love means you are equals and whenever something goes wrong, you and the person you love should be able to get through it together.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I may have been attracted to people who need me but I'm not now. I am sick of it. I have tried to fix them by being available to get them back on track.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust my own feelings. Yes, I know what my feelings are. I just get this doubt in my head when I know I have done the right thing and for instance, my brother, treats me like a pariah because I didn't agree with his actions when he got arrested.
I can see by my answers that I have a lot of work ahead of me!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
Wow. It seems you are doing alot of work. Good for you. I am going to follow your example and see what answers I can come up with for me. I am just starting Al anon. Going to 3rd meeting tonight. Right now it is a little overwhelming but at least it keeps me focused on me. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Nancy Ellen - Thank you. Great post.
I have been working through my son's alcoholism - trying to take care of me. This post is very helpful and makes me think. My husband is having a real difficult time... and not on soberrecovery.com so I copy/pasted it for him.
I have been working through my son's alcoholism - trying to take care of me. This post is very helpful and makes me think. My husband is having a real difficult time... and not on soberrecovery.com so I copy/pasted it for him.
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