amaslow

I have only told a few people of the problems of both my children.. I go to great lenghts sometmes to hide it.. I have a bit of a high profile job and I have fears that my career would be effected if people knew.. it seems like my friends and other family members have these wonderful perfect adult children and I am a downtrodden single parent with 2 messed up kids, but I keep trying to look good!! It is exhausting and isolating,,

I avoid close relationships to help keep the secret and also because I don't think anyone would want to be close to me if they knew.. It is so shocking to people who have never been exposed to this disease... They are judgemental..Well as you can see , I have a long way to go on Step 1.!!

sadmabel

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My son has had problems with drugs for about 4 years. He is now an addict. I have never told anyone about it, not even my mother. In the beginning, I would still focus on the positive things my son did and his positive character attributes (he has many). As his addiction grew, I just stopped talking about him completely. None of my coworkers know(that I know of). None of my friends know. I avoid having anyone at my house for fear they will notice if he's high. People think I have the perfect life. Not because I tell them that. I dont. But because I dont tell all of my sons dirty laundry to anyone that will listen as some people do. People think I am a happy woman with little stress in her life. The fact is I am extremely depressed, heartbroken , anxiety ridden mess. I am starting to realize that this is not helping me or my son. He gets to be seen as this wonderful young man while I keep his secret safely hidden for him. I have no one to talk to and drive myself crazy making excuses about where he is or what he's been up to. It sucks. By the way, no one has perfect kids. Bad people have good kids, good people have bad kids. I am a loving, attentive, intelligent mom, a nurse who made sure that my kids knew the dangers of drugs. My son is an addict. My sister is an addict, an inattentive mother who has been through 3 bad divorces, been arrested, and is most likely bipolar. Her son is an honor student and star athlete about to leave for college. Our kids grow up and have the ability to make their own decisions, good and bad. They have free will, we cant control them. Don't be ashamed. My heart goes out to you.

amaslow

SadM,

How do we come out of the closet with this? Sometimes, I just think about moving away and starting fresh somewhere else.. That I would be able to be open.. BTW, I am an RN..

Trilogy

I am an RN also, and have worked in mental health for 27 years. That does not make us immune to the problem of addictions in our lives. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 29 years and am exhausted by trying to keep it hidden for so long. It does no one good to not point out the elephant in the living room. It's ok if most people don't understand- there's enough of us who do. Take care of yourself.

sadmabel

Amaslow

I am an RN and have recently been looking for a new job. I love my job but it is hard to listen to everyone talk about their lives, children and feel like I am living a secret life. But i have known these people for so long, some close friends, that I feel stupid all of the sudden saying "BTW, my son is addicted to oxy and my world fell apart years ago" If I find a new job, I am going to be honest from the start. That way if I need a day off due to stress or chaos I can be honest instead of the I'm throwing up excuse. I don't feel the need to tell everyone a play by play of my life, just "my son is an addict , i'll let you know if there is anything I need". I want to be free of this burden of pretending I'm someone I'm not.

I dream of moving away with my husband and kids and starting over. I dream of my son not having contacts, my life starting over. I dream of going on vacation with them, just a week away from drugs and stress. But my daughter (18 and "normal") has barely spoken to my son for 2 years now. She is very resentful of what he has done to our family.

Trilogy

I can relate to the world of secrecy and shame. I have just mentioned to my two best friends from grade school that my husband is "drinking too much again" -a severe understatement. It is embarrassing, even to those we are closest to. I have just started taking baby steps to make my family and friends aware of the problem. I feel they will never know the enormity of the problem unless my husband and I end up divorced, and then I feel they will be truly shocked by it.

sadmabel

Sometimes I think it's not so much embarassment but that I have enough to deal with and dont want EVERY family member, friend, coworker giving their opinion. Some people give their opinions about things they don't understand. No one could possibly understand what this is like if they haven't been there. I dont want to hear every parent I know talk about what they would do if it was there kid when they've never been in the situation. BULL! I'm living it and don't know what to do so I don't want to hear it. I trust people here. Not just because of anonymity but because you DO know what it's like, some as mothers, some as addicts. Deep down, I'm not ashamed of myself or my son. I just know most will not understand and will think I SHOULD be ashamed and thats what I dont want to deal with.

Trilogy

You're right - most do not understand. It seems useless to try to explain it because it's something that needs to be experienced to be able to understand how pervasive it is. I am a very private person, as I feel many family members of addicts are. I am not comfortable sharing personal information with others, and don't want their ignorant advise, no matter how well intentioned. The illusion of "everything is fine" continues. It's a very lonely and painful place to be.

Jax67

I to have been ashamed of my daughters addiction, living in a small town I now avoid going anywhere that I may see someone that I know who my know my daughters addiction. I have isolated myself from what were once close friends and even my parents. I go to work and slap a smile on my face but inside sadness overwhelms me humiliation and embarassment overwhem me most of the time as well. Never have I said this to anyone the guilt of it all is just to much. I guess I have much to learn.

Seren

Addiction (substances or alcohol) does not distinguish between social and economic boundaries.

It runs in the families of presidents and other world leaders.
It runs in the families of famous actors, singers, artists, and designers.
It runs in the families of the tycoons of Wall Street.
It runs in the families of university presidents and professors as well as primary school teachers.
It runs in the families of health professionals.

It runs in my family - my stepson, my sister, my grandparents, a couple of cousins.

It is not my fault; I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure them. This is the key--I cannot control anyone else's behavior--so it does not reflect badly on me if I am not in control.

One of our other moderators has a saying in her signature line "What other people think of me is none of my business." Took me a while to absorb this, but it is soooooo very true.

irisgardens

I had a high profile career, but left it to deal with my first addict daughter--16 years later, she is an RN with a wonderful son. She is responsible and caring. During that time, my 3rd child (2nd daughter) became a crystal meth addict--redoubled my efforts to get her ready to get help (she was 16)--she was more challenging...and despite a diagnosis of depression didn't get help...but is the mother of two twin daughters and is working and raising them (we left her to start our lives over...financially, as it took all of our resources), our 4th daughter is now an active heroin addict and she is in the streets of SF...I am the only one in the family in support and recovery...and, praise God...I have a job offer, God willing back in the states (we came to my husband's home country in So America to 'make it' financially, but the culture has been very difficult...I am happy that I started to work the steps so many years ago...and that with this relapse...I came back to work the steps at another, deeper level. Didn't know if I was going to make it...the serenity that I had gained was GONE! It is now back. Please know that you are working the steps...that is good. I understand everything you say, although my career was in finance...with the requirement for integrity and honesty...but found that when I shared with others got no support...even from Christian family of origin. Here, there is support and here, we grow...one step at a time. Our higher power will help us...it seems so impossible and yet it is possible. Please all...keep coming back...it works.

irisgardens

I am not ashamed of my kids now...just love them. The battle was to love them as they are as people...and hate the drugs and addiction. I joined parents of addicts groups...there is support there. I am praying for my beloved daughter...but I cannot help her...I am too far down emotionally after the past 16 years...my family will not support me in supporting her...so I am doing naranon and alanon and parents of addicts groups and working...because we have to take care of ourselves first...and in hope, prayer and love...for ourselves from our HP, who I call God, and then ourselves...we learn to love those addicts we love more fully, but in a relearned fashion...and that is where their HP kicks in. Praying for all.

Jax67

what a really hard day this has turned out to be. Can't seem to stop the tears for some reason All i can do is ask God for help but it dosent seem to come..... the days just grow more sad and long. What wrong with me???????

irisgardens

It is fine to cry...tears have good chemicals and help us feel better. I had to learn to cry at age 35... You are feeling...I am a thinker by nature and feeling always feels so chaotic for me...like everything is sad and never going to get better. Let it out. Talk more here...it is ok. You are worth it!

irisgardens

Jax, small towns are hard...lived in one...but there is a saying I have learned to believe in around addiction...I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I am working my program to live into that. You are in the right place. Keeping things in is SO SO hard...I wasn't strong enough to do that...but what started to happen is that I started to find people in my life for whom everything was just fine...I didn't have to hold things in or keep secrets. I just could be myself. You are on the path...you are in the right path...stay...be...know that you are loved as you are. External pressures can be so judgmental...but it is about the other person...not you.

Dorothy1977

I have just joined within the last couple of hours, and am overwhelmed with all the information I am receiving. Thank you to all.... I have joined for support, as I have a 19 year old daughter who has been using meth and coke, I think mostly, we are not sure when it started, as we always believed her words when she was against coke and meth. Needless to say, our first experience with her first hand was at the tail end of being 18 and her boyfriend was doing time on weekends for a crime, but also from what we know a meth addict. The weekend he went to jail is the weekend, we knew she (we) had a serious problem. That was about Mar 3rd (ish), and now it is mid June, and she is now trying to quit for the 3rd time, the first two times, she was at home, needed us to drive her to places (we are rural), feed her, ensure she was hydrated, this third time - not so fortunate. She has her car back on the road and in constant company of drug dealers, and users. She thinks since the first two tries were no problem, this time should be a shoo-in, but not so. Needless to say, I'm disconnecting with friends, embarrassed, starting to miss work, look like crap.... It seems in all I have read, I know what to do, but finding it difficult. I look forward to all the support, and I really love hydrogirls comments about how all/any families can be affected.

hellomynameis

Help me understand the root of the embarassment....why are we all so embarassed....I just can't get a handle on it. My SO is an addict and in recovery but, I fear introductions b/c I am afraid ppl will somehow know it. He and I went to the same HS and we don't want to come out to friends as a couple on Facebook b/c he is afraid it will ruin my repuation if they know I am with him. If we accept that addiction is a disease (which I think most ppl do not) then why can't be support our friends if they tell us they are parenting or loving and addict like we would someone who has an diabetic partner or child or an obese child even.

I work steps for my own addictions. I work steps to help support my loved one in his addiction. Yet I can't get over the shame. I am stuck in a step 1

TMZ

Step one is not about shame. It is accepting that they are addicts and you can't control it.

You should not hold shame for someone else, embarrassment maybe. But until we (everyone) talks about it in the open we will not be able to help the addicts.

We to suffer we are addicted to the addict.

choublak

More people are addicts than you think.

fairlyuncertain

The only shame would be IF you could control the addictions of others, AND actively chose not to control it. That would be cruel.

But since I am powerless, I can let go of that shame. The cure rate for experts and state-of-the-art treatment centers can be around 10%. When I realized that, and since I don't have a degree in addiction studies, or any USEFUL knowledge of the disorder until I started Al-Anon, there's no way I could have fixed anything!

All I had to go on was what the Alcoholic was telling me--and those were lies! I got my PhD in Wrong Information.