Working Step One
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Working Step One
Never knew it would be so much work to accept Step One and take the plunge to healing myself from my alcoholic relationship with my ABF. Here are my answers to the list of questions in the stickies.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable. I am in the process of working Step One. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting Friday and I was an emotional wreck coming to the realization that this stupid disease has affected me so badly. I tear up thinking about my ABF even now, although, he makes me so angry with his inability to see how this drinking problem is so affecting our lives.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I am beginning to accept this more and more every single day. It is hard to let go of the fact that I can’t talk some reason into him, can’t make him see how much this hurts me, but it is evident he doesn’t see a problem with it. I can only change what I am willing to accept in a partner. I am working on detaching more and more everyday.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
It is obvious we react to life in different ways. I have always been responsible and he has taken advantage of that. I have let him. I have never dealt with an alcoholic close to me in my life and I now know what a disaster in the making this disease is. He deals with life by drinking and letting other people take care of him. I have never been able to let people take care of me and could not take advantage of other people.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
This is hard for me to accept. I am working on accepting it. To me, it seems like if a person wants to quit drinking they should have the will to do so. After actually reading scientific evidence on how and why a person becomes addicted, then I can begin to see it more as a disease. The part that makes me mad is that it is a disease that the person has allowed to happen to them and their families in my mind. If I had diabetes and was told eat this, this and that and you can live a healthy life, I would definitely do it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have threatened to leave my ABF because of his drinking but never really followed through. The consequence is he doesn’t believe I will leave, takes advantage of the situation even more and still drinks. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Most of the means I have used are idle threats. I think actually planning and following through with my ultimatum might at least give me some peace and give him some space to work out what is happening in our relationship.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get frustrated and feel very lonely. I say mean things to hurt him like he has hurt me. I don’t mean them, but I say them because of my feeling that he won’t respond to anything.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be happier. I would start to live my life again and be relieved to know that I am making progress towards a better future for me and my son.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I can simply let my ABF and others face their own consequences and take care of things themselves just like I always do for myself. If I can take care of myself, so can he/they.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Not anymore. The only quick fix is to get out of the situation though there will still be emotional pain to deal with.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When I feel emotionally vested in them. When I feel like they are counting on me for something.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When they reflect poorly on me. For example, going out into public or around friends who don’t drink that much with my ABF.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
My life feels out of control living with an alcoholic. I have no control over his addition. I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself. I have to work on letting go of a fantasy person who doesn’t exist.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mom expresses concern about me living with my ABF and bringing my son up in the environment of an alcoholic home. Her dad was an A. She just tells me when I am ready to leave, when I hit my own bottom, I will do something about it. She says I deserve someone who loves me.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable living with an A period. I do not feel like the relationship works emotionally or financially and have never been in a relationship like this. I was so confused for so long about what was really happening. It is wrong to live like this, and that is how I know it is manageable anymore.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I try to get people to feel like I am a victim of my situation. Not so much anymore, but I did in the past. I would complain to ABF’s mom and she would always coerce me to stay with him (because then she doesn’t have to worry about him as much). I found some kind of sick role in trying to help her manage her son’s addictions. Now, I don’t talk to her about his problems anymore.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
YES. I hate when I do this as it makes me feel weak and demoralized.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
In this relationship, YES. In others, No.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When things go smoothly I feel at peace. I do anticipate problems because my ABF won’t quit drinking or admit to a problem which stresses me out. I don’t feel more alive in the midst of a crisis, it drains me and makes me feel physically sick. I don’t like it at all.
How well do I take care of myself?
Since with ABF, not well. I used to exercise, get out and go shopping, visit friends more often, go on vacations and road trips, and just generally enjoyed living. Since being with ABF, we don’t ever have any money and I don’t have any motivation to take care of myself physically or emotionally. This is one main area that I am trying to make a change. My son needs to experience a happy, healthy mom who gets out in the world and explores it with him. This is my main goal working step one. I can’t let the alcohol control me anymore.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel better when away from ABF, relieved.
What is the difference between pity and love?
I am not sure anymore. Pity is what I think I feel for my ABF and love is what I used to feel for my ex. I used to have a life and share my experiences with my ex-husband. We knew each other well, could laugh, live and love. With my ABF I have never truly felt like I know him or that he accepts me for me.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don’t think so, because this is the first relationship I have had with an addict. I did grow up in a home with addicts, but never hung out with addicts myself. My ABF is my first relationship with this dynamic outside my family of origin and I don’t like it at all.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Sometimes, it depends on what those feelings are associated with. I do know what my feeling are, but sometimes I make excuses for ignoring them. Another big step in dealing with my ABF is to trust my instincts about where the relationship is headed, which is basically nowhere.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable. I am in the process of working Step One. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting Friday and I was an emotional wreck coming to the realization that this stupid disease has affected me so badly. I tear up thinking about my ABF even now, although, he makes me so angry with his inability to see how this drinking problem is so affecting our lives.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I am beginning to accept this more and more every single day. It is hard to let go of the fact that I can’t talk some reason into him, can’t make him see how much this hurts me, but it is evident he doesn’t see a problem with it. I can only change what I am willing to accept in a partner. I am working on detaching more and more everyday.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
It is obvious we react to life in different ways. I have always been responsible and he has taken advantage of that. I have let him. I have never dealt with an alcoholic close to me in my life and I now know what a disaster in the making this disease is. He deals with life by drinking and letting other people take care of him. I have never been able to let people take care of me and could not take advantage of other people.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
This is hard for me to accept. I am working on accepting it. To me, it seems like if a person wants to quit drinking they should have the will to do so. After actually reading scientific evidence on how and why a person becomes addicted, then I can begin to see it more as a disease. The part that makes me mad is that it is a disease that the person has allowed to happen to them and their families in my mind. If I had diabetes and was told eat this, this and that and you can live a healthy life, I would definitely do it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have threatened to leave my ABF because of his drinking but never really followed through. The consequence is he doesn’t believe I will leave, takes advantage of the situation even more and still drinks. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Most of the means I have used are idle threats. I think actually planning and following through with my ultimatum might at least give me some peace and give him some space to work out what is happening in our relationship.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get frustrated and feel very lonely. I say mean things to hurt him like he has hurt me. I don’t mean them, but I say them because of my feeling that he won’t respond to anything.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be happier. I would start to live my life again and be relieved to know that I am making progress towards a better future for me and my son.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I can simply let my ABF and others face their own consequences and take care of things themselves just like I always do for myself. If I can take care of myself, so can he/they.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Not anymore. The only quick fix is to get out of the situation though there will still be emotional pain to deal with.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When I feel emotionally vested in them. When I feel like they are counting on me for something.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When they reflect poorly on me. For example, going out into public or around friends who don’t drink that much with my ABF.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
My life feels out of control living with an alcoholic. I have no control over his addition. I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself. I have to work on letting go of a fantasy person who doesn’t exist.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mom expresses concern about me living with my ABF and bringing my son up in the environment of an alcoholic home. Her dad was an A. She just tells me when I am ready to leave, when I hit my own bottom, I will do something about it. She says I deserve someone who loves me.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable living with an A period. I do not feel like the relationship works emotionally or financially and have never been in a relationship like this. I was so confused for so long about what was really happening. It is wrong to live like this, and that is how I know it is manageable anymore.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I try to get people to feel like I am a victim of my situation. Not so much anymore, but I did in the past. I would complain to ABF’s mom and she would always coerce me to stay with him (because then she doesn’t have to worry about him as much). I found some kind of sick role in trying to help her manage her son’s addictions. Now, I don’t talk to her about his problems anymore.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
YES. I hate when I do this as it makes me feel weak and demoralized.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
In this relationship, YES. In others, No.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
When things go smoothly I feel at peace. I do anticipate problems because my ABF won’t quit drinking or admit to a problem which stresses me out. I don’t feel more alive in the midst of a crisis, it drains me and makes me feel physically sick. I don’t like it at all.
How well do I take care of myself?
Since with ABF, not well. I used to exercise, get out and go shopping, visit friends more often, go on vacations and road trips, and just generally enjoyed living. Since being with ABF, we don’t ever have any money and I don’t have any motivation to take care of myself physically or emotionally. This is one main area that I am trying to make a change. My son needs to experience a happy, healthy mom who gets out in the world and explores it with him. This is my main goal working step one. I can’t let the alcohol control me anymore.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel better when away from ABF, relieved.
What is the difference between pity and love?
I am not sure anymore. Pity is what I think I feel for my ABF and love is what I used to feel for my ex. I used to have a life and share my experiences with my ex-husband. We knew each other well, could laugh, live and love. With my ABF I have never truly felt like I know him or that he accepts me for me.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I don’t think so, because this is the first relationship I have had with an addict. I did grow up in a home with addicts, but never hung out with addicts myself. My ABF is my first relationship with this dynamic outside my family of origin and I don’t like it at all.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Sometimes, it depends on what those feelings are associated with. I do know what my feeling are, but sometimes I make excuses for ignoring them. Another big step in dealing with my ABF is to trust my instincts about where the relationship is headed, which is basically nowhere.
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