Beginning Step-One for the first time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: ND
Posts: 14
Beginning Step-One for the first time
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Yes. I totally admit that my life has become unmanageable. It is out of control. It's painful. I am tired of this pain and disappointment and I want something better for my life. I am truly powerless over this stupid asinine drug called ALCOHOL! It truly is satin in a bottle, a jug, a glass. It controls the ones I love and laughs at me for thinking I had any control over it at any time. I am truly powerless over alcohol. But, I am not powerless over my decisions on how it will affect me from the point on in my life. I will fight Satin to the death and I will come to realize that I have the power to take back my life and life in peace.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I do accept that I cannot control another person's drinking. I do agree I cannot control another person's behavior. BUT, what I don't accept is the lying to me. I don't like being lied to and I don't get it. I really want to understand that alcoholics lie. ANd it doesn't matter if the A is drinking when he lies or if he isn't drinking when he lies. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that he will look straight into my eyes and lie to me. Not after all the work and conversations and time that we spent on our marriage. I wouldn't lie to him, so why does he lie to me. So, I can accept that I can't control what he does. I just don't understand how he can lie to me when I am supposed to be his better half. The love of his life. I know he loves me in his own way and that he has never had to grow up and has always been taken care of by the women that have been in life. I know he is learning new things as I am. I just don't think I truly understand the situation that I am in. I have a big heart. I am a good person. I am faithful and honest and truthful and I would never treat him like he treats me. Question is, can I stay in this marriage with a man who lies. I accept I cannot control what he does or what he says to me. But, I can control how I react to it.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I recognize that he is different than me when he lies and I tell the truth. WHen I have his back and he doesn't have mine. WHen he wants to do what he wants to do and doesn't think about anyone but himself and I always think about my family first. I see that we are different in the way we turn to God or don't turn to God. In how we talk to each or don't talk to each other. I can see how different we are and I can see how much we are alike.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept it is a disease but I don't completely understand it. I have a hard time accepting that the disease is still there when I think my H is back. When the real man I love is in my presence. WHen he isn't drinking. That's where I struggle. I can understand why he lies to me when he wants to drink or has been drinking or it has anything to do with drinking, but I don't understand why he lies to me when he isn't drinking. About things that don't even have anything to do with drinking. I guess I need to realize that he thinks like an alcoholic all the time because he is one all the time. I have to get that stuck in my head. I have to connect the two seperate time periods and make them one. I need to bridge this gap I have created in my head. I need to get out of denial and face that truth here. My H is an alcoholic who thinks like an A all the time! Even when he isn't drinking. And it is very hard for me to so I have to ask myself why? WHy do I stay with this man whom I don't trust. WHom I know doesn't have my back. Who will look directly into my eyes and lie to me!
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried several ways! I have cried, begged, yelled, coerced, lied, whatever to get my AH to change. NOthing changed. THe situation just got worse. The lies grew bolder, the money ran out, the fighting got worse and I ended up lonelier and depressed.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
THe same as above. I have learned that the way to get my needs met is to take care of them on my own. Take care of me and what I need. Make sure I am doing what it takes to make myself happy and then maybe the world around me will seem happier. I have to start believing in myself and stop worrying about what other people think of me or how they react to me. I need to learn to speak up and say what's on my mind regardless of what the other person thinks. LET GO OF THE FEAR!
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get all crazy. I react. My stomach gets all upset and I become very angry. Especially when he lies to me. OR it has to do with a woman. I become crazed. I become out of control. When he refuses to be my honest, trustworthy man and have my back I lose it. Flat out lose it!
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Maybe they would finally have to grow up and face reality. THen, maybe, I could learn to face my own fears. Deal with why I react that way. Get down to brass tactics and level with myself for the reasons I become so crazy. I know how I react. I know it's not healthy or sane. I cannot seem to help myself. Its my drug. When I found out my AH texted his x and then straight out lied to me about it I lost it. I became very jealous and confused. I didn't understand why he would lie to me about that. THe only answer I can come up with is that he is the most selfish man I have ever met and that he will do whatever it takes to please himself and to hell with everyone else, even ME. And that hurts. That really hurts. I gave him all of me and this is what I get in return. I fell in love with and A! How foolish was that! But, the more imp question is why?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I try concentrating on sayings like: It is what it is, Let go and LEt God, Can't change it, and One day at a time. I try and take a deep breath and not react. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I am getting better at it. I am not losing it as much as I was but I am still spending too much time talking about the situation or fighting over a situation. Too much of my day and my energy is spent wasted on trying to convince my AH of the way I feel or what has happened and how it should have been. I need to let go. Period. Turn off FB at school. TUrn off my phone and only get texts after school. Be in the moment.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes. I totally admit that my life has become unmanageable. It is out of control. It's painful. I am tired of this pain and disappointment and I want something better for my life. I am truly powerless over this stupid asinine drug called ALCOHOL! It truly is satin in a bottle, a jug, a glass. It controls the ones I love and laughs at me for thinking I had any control over it at any time. I am truly powerless over alcohol. But, I am not powerless over my decisions on how it will affect me from the point on in my life. I will fight Satin to the death and I will come to realize that I have the power to take back my life and life in peace.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I do accept that I cannot control another person's drinking. I do agree I cannot control another person's behavior. BUT, what I don't accept is the lying to me. I don't like being lied to and I don't get it. I really want to understand that alcoholics lie. ANd it doesn't matter if the A is drinking when he lies or if he isn't drinking when he lies. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that he will look straight into my eyes and lie to me. Not after all the work and conversations and time that we spent on our marriage. I wouldn't lie to him, so why does he lie to me. So, I can accept that I can't control what he does. I just don't understand how he can lie to me when I am supposed to be his better half. The love of his life. I know he loves me in his own way and that he has never had to grow up and has always been taken care of by the women that have been in life. I know he is learning new things as I am. I just don't think I truly understand the situation that I am in. I have a big heart. I am a good person. I am faithful and honest and truthful and I would never treat him like he treats me. Question is, can I stay in this marriage with a man who lies. I accept I cannot control what he does or what he says to me. But, I can control how I react to it.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I recognize that he is different than me when he lies and I tell the truth. WHen I have his back and he doesn't have mine. WHen he wants to do what he wants to do and doesn't think about anyone but himself and I always think about my family first. I see that we are different in the way we turn to God or don't turn to God. In how we talk to each or don't talk to each other. I can see how different we are and I can see how much we are alike.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept it is a disease but I don't completely understand it. I have a hard time accepting that the disease is still there when I think my H is back. When the real man I love is in my presence. WHen he isn't drinking. That's where I struggle. I can understand why he lies to me when he wants to drink or has been drinking or it has anything to do with drinking, but I don't understand why he lies to me when he isn't drinking. About things that don't even have anything to do with drinking. I guess I need to realize that he thinks like an alcoholic all the time because he is one all the time. I have to get that stuck in my head. I have to connect the two seperate time periods and make them one. I need to bridge this gap I have created in my head. I need to get out of denial and face that truth here. My H is an alcoholic who thinks like an A all the time! Even when he isn't drinking. And it is very hard for me to so I have to ask myself why? WHy do I stay with this man whom I don't trust. WHom I know doesn't have my back. Who will look directly into my eyes and lie to me!
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried several ways! I have cried, begged, yelled, coerced, lied, whatever to get my AH to change. NOthing changed. THe situation just got worse. The lies grew bolder, the money ran out, the fighting got worse and I ended up lonelier and depressed.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
THe same as above. I have learned that the way to get my needs met is to take care of them on my own. Take care of me and what I need. Make sure I am doing what it takes to make myself happy and then maybe the world around me will seem happier. I have to start believing in myself and stop worrying about what other people think of me or how they react to me. I need to learn to speak up and say what's on my mind regardless of what the other person thinks. LET GO OF THE FEAR!
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get all crazy. I react. My stomach gets all upset and I become very angry. Especially when he lies to me. OR it has to do with a woman. I become crazed. I become out of control. When he refuses to be my honest, trustworthy man and have my back I lose it. Flat out lose it!
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Maybe they would finally have to grow up and face reality. THen, maybe, I could learn to face my own fears. Deal with why I react that way. Get down to brass tactics and level with myself for the reasons I become so crazy. I know how I react. I know it's not healthy or sane. I cannot seem to help myself. Its my drug. When I found out my AH texted his x and then straight out lied to me about it I lost it. I became very jealous and confused. I didn't understand why he would lie to me about that. THe only answer I can come up with is that he is the most selfish man I have ever met and that he will do whatever it takes to please himself and to hell with everyone else, even ME. And that hurts. That really hurts. I gave him all of me and this is what I get in return. I fell in love with and A! How foolish was that! But, the more imp question is why?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I try concentrating on sayings like: It is what it is, Let go and LEt God, Can't change it, and One day at a time. I try and take a deep breath and not react. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I am getting better at it. I am not losing it as much as I was but I am still spending too much time talking about the situation or fighting over a situation. Too much of my day and my energy is spent wasted on trying to convince my AH of the way I feel or what has happened and how it should have been. I need to let go. Period. Turn off FB at school. TUrn off my phone and only get texts after school. Be in the moment.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: ND
Posts: 14
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I was looking for a quick fix but I now realize that is unrealistic. It took me almost 40 years to realize I was CD and it took me my whole life to form these behaviors so it will take me another 40 yrs to undo this mess. THe answer is going to alanon meetings and keep working the program. OVer and over again until it's the new me. Until there is more peace in my life than chaos. Pretty much for ever!
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In public situations when I don't want to be embarrassed of someone else's behavior.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Love is real. Love binds two people together and it total truth. When love is real both people have each others' back. Pity is being with someone out of some selfish motive. Pity the guy and feel sorry for him and try and help him change. It is one sided. Love isn't one sided. It is a team effort and when there is love, there if faith. Where there if Faith, there is God. Where there is God there is hope! Where there is faith, hope and love there is a chance!
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Oh probably! I think it's easier for me to think about others' needs so I don't have to work on me. I Swooped in when I met my H and took care of a lot of his messes. I now regret doing that with all my heart. It was arrogant, selfish and didn't accomplish anything but me losing a bunch of my own money. When it comes to the big things like paying for big items or cleaning up his messes I can step back and let the cards fall where they will. But, I still have a lot to let go of and lot to learn. I don't know how our bills will be paid this month. I don't have any extra money and if I did, I wouldn't pay the bills anyway. They aren't mine. They are his. And he isn't even too concerned with paying them. Otherwise he would have a job! It's almost easier for me to say what love isn't. Love isn't lying to the one you say you love. Love isn't doing everything for yourself and then suckin up because he knew what he did was wrong.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I trust my feelings more now than I have in the past. But there are times when I don't know up from down. I know what love is now and I know what it isn't. I know that I have lived my life as a victim then a rescuer. I am learning to trust in my gut instinct or my intuition. Every time I do, it's spot on. I just need to learn to trust in myself. ANd that is hard. I have made so many mistakes that I don't feel I can trust myself. I am working hard on that.
I was looking for a quick fix but I now realize that is unrealistic. It took me almost 40 years to realize I was CD and it took me my whole life to form these behaviors so it will take me another 40 yrs to undo this mess. THe answer is going to alanon meetings and keep working the program. OVer and over again until it's the new me. Until there is more peace in my life than chaos. Pretty much for ever!
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In public situations when I don't want to be embarrassed of someone else's behavior.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Love is real. Love binds two people together and it total truth. When love is real both people have each others' back. Pity is being with someone out of some selfish motive. Pity the guy and feel sorry for him and try and help him change. It is one sided. Love isn't one sided. It is a team effort and when there is love, there if faith. Where there if Faith, there is God. Where there is God there is hope! Where there is faith, hope and love there is a chance!
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Oh probably! I think it's easier for me to think about others' needs so I don't have to work on me. I Swooped in when I met my H and took care of a lot of his messes. I now regret doing that with all my heart. It was arrogant, selfish and didn't accomplish anything but me losing a bunch of my own money. When it comes to the big things like paying for big items or cleaning up his messes I can step back and let the cards fall where they will. But, I still have a lot to let go of and lot to learn. I don't know how our bills will be paid this month. I don't have any extra money and if I did, I wouldn't pay the bills anyway. They aren't mine. They are his. And he isn't even too concerned with paying them. Otherwise he would have a job! It's almost easier for me to say what love isn't. Love isn't lying to the one you say you love. Love isn't doing everything for yourself and then suckin up because he knew what he did was wrong.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I trust my feelings more now than I have in the past. But there are times when I don't know up from down. I know what love is now and I know what it isn't. I know that I have lived my life as a victim then a rescuer. I am learning to trust in my gut instinct or my intuition. Every time I do, it's spot on. I just need to learn to trust in myself. ANd that is hard. I have made so many mistakes that I don't feel I can trust myself. I am working hard on that.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I hate alcoholic behavior. It is very destructive. But I had to realize that my behavior contributed a lot to the situation I was in. Screaming, yelling, begging, flipping out, and all the ways I acted out against the alcoholic were just as much to blame for my despair as what he was doing. Shopping, eating, compulsive cleaning, OCD, depression, spying, manipulating, the list can go on.
Lying has to do with fear. Fear of losing someone over something that they can't control. Even knowing that, it still sucks wind! My contribution in that situation was that I wanted to believe him, even though I knew better. I don't like going against what someone I love tells me, but I have learned to go with my gut feeling. Even if I am wrong some of the time, I come out better following my own intuition rather than trusting possible alcoholic behavior. There are times when he is ok, and I can trust him, but then there are times when I can't. I pretty much know when those times are. Going to Al-anon meetings and reading the literature helps me to be strong enough to do what I need to do when he is not well.
You should give yourself a pat on the back for starting on the road to recovery. It has given me the tools to live with and love an alcoholic. I have sponsored many ladies who gained the strength to leave a bad situation. Every situation is different. Seeking spiritual guidance can show you which way is best for you. Good luck, and hugs! Magic
Lying has to do with fear. Fear of losing someone over something that they can't control. Even knowing that, it still sucks wind! My contribution in that situation was that I wanted to believe him, even though I knew better. I don't like going against what someone I love tells me, but I have learned to go with my gut feeling. Even if I am wrong some of the time, I come out better following my own intuition rather than trusting possible alcoholic behavior. There are times when he is ok, and I can trust him, but then there are times when I can't. I pretty much know when those times are. Going to Al-anon meetings and reading the literature helps me to be strong enough to do what I need to do when he is not well.
You should give yourself a pat on the back for starting on the road to recovery. It has given me the tools to live with and love an alcoholic. I have sponsored many ladies who gained the strength to leave a bad situation. Every situation is different. Seeking spiritual guidance can show you which way is best for you. Good luck, and hugs! Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
