I'll never change him.

Old 11-15-2011, 09:23 AM
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I'll never change him.

Wiil I? I will never be "enough" for him to quit drinking. Neither will our children. It's been 11 years of stress over drinking, intermingled with deep love for this man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, breathe my last breath in his arms. I cannot do that with him the way he is now. I can't be married to a binge drinker, alcoholic, what ever label we put on it. I don't know where to go from here. I have no job, no money, two little kids, pets, bills, etc. How do I begin to let go? I want to work it out, but I know that will mean me having to be okay with his drinking. I am not okay with it anymore. My children and I are worth more. He's wonderful when he's not drinking, kind, loving, supportive, giving, etc. But he thinks he should be able to do what he wants in regards to drinking and that I'm supposed to go along with it and not say a word about it. He is upset that our relationship has been off lately. It has because he said he'd quit, he didn't and I'm mad at him, disgusted with his behavior when he drinks and don't want to spend quality time with him. Just because he doesn't drink one night so we can watch TV together, doesn't make it okay. Does it?
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Old 11-15-2011, 11:28 AM
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Have you tried alanon? You can't change him.

You might want to repost this in the family and friends section. You will get more feedback
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Old 11-15-2011, 04:59 PM
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I remember when my emotions were all so raw.... and I did better when I realized that much of what i was feeling was grief. What was I grieving? The loss of the dream, the loss of our life together as it once was and what I wanted again. the truth of the matter was that it would never be like that again. If he chose recovery? our life would be different. If he didn't ? Our life would be different. Yes , I most certainly went thru all the stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

I spent time learning about boundaries, because I didn't have good ones. I learned about what I did and did not have to accept in my life. It was a process, a slow one. But in time I learned that I could have a happy, full, healthy life. And so could my children. That's what I chose. So could my A. He made his own choice.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:32 PM
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I could have written the first post. You're not alone. We have 4 kids together and I absolutely feel all our problems would be gone if he'd just stop drinking. I'm grieving the loss of what I thought our relationship would/could be.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:55 AM
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Hi. I just want you to know, from an alcoholic's viewpoint, it's not that he doesn't love you. It's not a competition. Once alcohol is in him, he's lost control of him.

Alcoholism is a mind-body disease. It takes so much away from us & then we are different. We don't need to drink daily, lose our job, etc. for us to have this deadly disease.

Unfortunately no one can help us change. He must decide.

Please get to al anon, take care of you. You are worth it!

Go for you.
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:54 AM
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Wow...I'm new on here...I got on here because I don't know where else to turn anymore. Then I read ur post.....and thought, r u sounds like my life!!! I myself an a recovern addict in a relationship w/an addict. I have no job, no money, no car, kids making it hard to walk away. I have been with my him since we were 16yrs 42, with 2 children, 2 grandchildren...and there is nothing more I want then for him to love me/us NOT the drug. I want to be with him till death does us part.......however, my/our life has been on hold for along time and I'm afraid it might all pass me by if I don't learn to love myself. Anyone who is part of the alcoholic/addicts life becomes sick right along with them....and thats where I'm at today. This is why I checked out this website....I want to get better. Once we get well, so will our lifes/and childrens life. Its a terrible place to be and my heartaches, but I'm tired of being sick and if he isn't then all I can do is continue to pray for him. Being a recovern addict myself, I know no one can stop anyone from drinkn/drugn.....its ONLY when that person is ready!! Its a hard thing to swallow believe me I know...but I promise you this...ITS TRUE!!! So, focus on u gettin well (as the partner of an alcoholic)and things will fall into place....they will!!!
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:30 PM
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WOW! Same ole story, it seems. I could have written this post as well. I have cried all day, begging God to help him, help me and help our kids. (notice he was first)

Then something hit me, "the dream" wasn't all that to begin with. It was always all about him, his needs and his wants. I can't ever think of time, he was actually there for ME. Oh sure, he could be wonderful, attentive and charming but it wasn't real. Thninking back on it, I can't help wonder if those times were just some big manipulation game to get me to do more for him.

I have been on this roller coaster far too long. No matter what he has done to me, I allowed it with "the dream" thinking and he knew it. He has lost me and the kids, they want nothing to do with him now because of his own actions and lies. Blaming me will not change the facts.

I am going to start healing myself once and for all! I am lucky to have the love and respect of my kids. He created his own hell and will have to find his own way out of it. The man I married is dead to me - just a demon contolled liar. My God help us all.
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:22 AM
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This is so me...I'm really not alone. It's really sad to find out how many people or suffering!
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:09 PM
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It truly helps to know I am not alone. Thank you.
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:25 PM
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Add me to that list! I am in the same boat. I am in the mourning stages of "what could of been". I am feeling very rejected. In any event, I seen a quote on here the other day that helps me everyday, it said, "You must let go of the life you imagined to have the life that is waiting for you."

I started an online al-anon class this evening and find there are soo many people going through this same cycle
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:50 AM
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I'm so glad you are reaching out for help. I would also recommend taking a look around the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers or Alcoholics threads. There's a wealth of information on the Stickies at the top of the threads. More importantly, there are many, many people who have been where you are and care about you. They have certainly helped me begin to find my way out of the madness of being married to an addict.

(((hugs))) It's hard to live like this.

Last edited by Faithlove; 09-29-2012 at 07:52 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:29 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear your story, but yes all of these stories do sound very similar.

I don't think my axbf meant to hurt anyone with his drinking, it's a compulsion which he lost control over. I don't think he will quit nor does he have any desire to quit, he has never set foot in an AA meeting.

It's true you cannot change him and the only person you can change is yourself. I wonder if you can find a job, at least you would have more options and you wouldn't feel trapped.

It is truly sad how this disease causes everyone to suffer. I remember my ex telling me he should be able to drink however much he wants and I should shut up about it. One night after we had an argument about his drinking he went straight down to the bar. I can honestly say that nagging, begging and pleading never did a thing to help. I'd definitely recommend Al-anon, I've never been to a meeting but I have read some of the books.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:46 PM
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We always feel we aren't enough for them to stop,but has nothing to do with us,truly it doesn't. They are sick in their disease.
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:17 PM
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volume 1

Yes..I am just starting this journey. Divorce in Progress. I too would run back IF ONLY he would stop. IF ONLY he would love me as much as his pills and booze. IF ONLY he would appreciate me, treat me like a valued wife. IF ONLY he would realize how much I do for him, for his family, and it's all out of love for him. But his thinking is too skewed from the booze and narcotics. He is the only one who matters in his world. He will never love me as much as he loves himself. and after 13+ years it's a shame. DUI, Jail, a family member's suicide due that member's own addiction with booze and vicodin. How in the world he can keep on going I cannot fathom. I cannot handle the mental and emotional abuse any longer. Or the manipulation and control. Gone, but the lessons are not forgotten. The other wives are right, you mourn for what you imagined you marriage would be like. I wanted forever too....and now I realize that's not good for me. God would never want me to live like that forever... so why do I think I want to?

Last edited by burntoutwife; 10-12-2012 at 02:23 PM. Reason: incomplete sentence.
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Old 01-13-2013, 11:02 AM
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I am new here, too... No divorce yet but right on the brink. I read your post and felt like it was my own.
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:16 AM
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i feel the same way...i dont have kids and not married but i was engaged and getting married in 6 months...and i just could not take it anymore..i tried everything i could i tried to help him and support him and then i myself thought maybe i was being crazy b/c i was searching for alcohol and yelling all the time. But it wasnt my fault i was trying to help him and myself but yet it was onllly making it worse. this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life and its been 2 months since we have broken up and im dying every day inside and i just hope one day that he realizes that he doesnt want to live this life anymore. the thing is that he became sober for 1 year , 2 years ago and everythign was perfect...i dont get why someone would throw their whole life with the person they wanna spend th eir life with for alcohol. hang in there
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:48 PM
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Yep this is ME too! I just (tonight) told him that I am no longer willing to live with someone who drinks (because I think maybe this will get him to stop completely). I am afraid since I know I have to be prepared to leave if he doesn't get help or stop drinking, and I am a stay at home mom, no job, no money, pets, nowhere to go... So I am just desperately hanging on to hope that he gets help, otherwise I'm SOL.
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