My step one
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 23
My step one
Is there already a thread like this? This isn't really meant for responses, persay, but I'd love to read others' (who feel comfortable sharing)
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I think I'm starting to accept that when he gets up to have drink 3, drink 4, he knows he's already past the limit he made for himself. He's breaking his own rule. I do not have to remind him, and it does no good if I do. It only upsets us both more than we were already upset.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Isn't this kind of the same as the first part?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
YES and yes. I haaaate that it's a disease. I can't reason with it. But I know it is a disease. It's so different for him when he drinks. If someone says to me, are you *sure* you want that 3rd piece of lasagna, I can laugh and say, "no I guess I'm pretty full." He can't make that logic, the cravings are too strong.
It changes how I deal with him because I don't expect him to respond well to being asked to stop. It runs deeper for him with his drinks that it does with me with...anything that I understand.
When sober, I still try to logic with him. But if he's drinking I'm just talking to the disease-- the malfunctioning gene or whatever. It's no more useful than telling him he needs to write with this left hand, instead of his right.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Oh gosh. My mom, I try to change her all the time. Try to get her to take care of her weight, dress better, brush her hair, wear make up, deal with her depression, GET A JOB. Be a mother. My whole family, really. I try to get them to work harder, to better themselves.
Consequences have been mixed. I've bought my mom clothes that she does wear when the family gets together, but it hasn't helped her major issues depression and not being able to deal with the world's responsibilities. I think it's ultimately made her try and hide her depression from me, to pretend she's working hard. Which is actually really, really sad. I'd like to say that when I stopped giving her money, she improved because she had to deal with the consequences of her actions, but it's not true. So I gave her all my inheritance from my father's death earlier this year. Here's to hoping she uses it for useful things, instead of blowing it like she did when she sold our family house and decided to lived off the money, rather than investing it, buying another house, or anything that would have yielded a long-term source of income.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Is this in reference to my A? I use sex. That is the most effective method that I've found so far.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get very sympathetic. Then frustrated sad. Then angry.
I love him, I want him to be better.
I know he's sick and he won't get his own help, so he can't get better.
Then angry because I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE HAS THIS ISSUE.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I think he'd drink more. And then I'd leave him.
If I stopped trying to change my mom, I think she'd end up homeless.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Distance.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I don't think that's what I really want. My ideal fix is that he stops drinking, and I'd prefer taking a long time to get there than the quick fix, which is leaving.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When my family is incompetent as to getting a job, taking out the garbage, bathing themselves.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel shame and embarrassment when people meet my mother, or my brothers, sometimes my sister. When people meet my mother, they know a bit about my past and I hate that. They usually feel sorry for me and I want them to enjoy being in my home. It's painfully obvious who is the "parent" when I'm in the same room as my mother, and it's very embarrassing.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I was looking for answers about my bf, which is why I came here. I was hoping to find stories from the family members of alcoholics to find "what worked" for helping them get better. I hoped to figure out if there was anything I could do to help him stop drinking. I was hoping there was a clear-cut answer about what I should do.
I realize now that Al-Anon is really here to help with coping. I guess, in a sense that is what I wanted. Now, I'm still searching for the best next move. I'm hoping it will help me decide if I can live with an alcoholic, or if I'd be happier leaving.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My doctor, the only one I've really talked to about this.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? When I'm on the Al-Anon forum trying to find some hope, rather than studying as I should be.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
See the part about same and embarrassment about my mother.
And yes. When people meet my bf and talk about how wonderful he is, how handsome and responsible, and the one people often say, "it's obvious he cares about you," I feel that it compensates for the drinking. I feel validated because if the rest of the world thinks he's so amazing, that has to count for something!
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Not really.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
This is difficult for me because despite living with an alcoholic, my life is more calm and well managed than it has ever been.
How well do I take care of myself?
I do an okay job, but I could do better. I could exercise more, dress better than I do. Etc.
How do I feel when I am alone?
It varies. I like some alone time, but not a ton. A night a week is nice to have to myself, but I like having my bf around on the weekends.
What is the difference between pity and love?
You don't love someone because you feel sorry for them. Love is mutually beneficial and great. Pity is depressing and stressful.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I really don't think this is true. I am certainly attracted to one alcoholic, but he's really amazingly "together" aside from 8-11pm. I seemed plagued by a family that can't stand on their own two feet-- I'm talking can't afford the gas bill in the winter, bottom of Maslow's hierarchy stuff.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Still working on this one.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I think I'm starting to accept that when he gets up to have drink 3, drink 4, he knows he's already past the limit he made for himself. He's breaking his own rule. I do not have to remind him, and it does no good if I do. It only upsets us both more than we were already upset.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Isn't this kind of the same as the first part?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
YES and yes. I haaaate that it's a disease. I can't reason with it. But I know it is a disease. It's so different for him when he drinks. If someone says to me, are you *sure* you want that 3rd piece of lasagna, I can laugh and say, "no I guess I'm pretty full." He can't make that logic, the cravings are too strong.
It changes how I deal with him because I don't expect him to respond well to being asked to stop. It runs deeper for him with his drinks that it does with me with...anything that I understand.
When sober, I still try to logic with him. But if he's drinking I'm just talking to the disease-- the malfunctioning gene or whatever. It's no more useful than telling him he needs to write with this left hand, instead of his right.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Oh gosh. My mom, I try to change her all the time. Try to get her to take care of her weight, dress better, brush her hair, wear make up, deal with her depression, GET A JOB. Be a mother. My whole family, really. I try to get them to work harder, to better themselves.
Consequences have been mixed. I've bought my mom clothes that she does wear when the family gets together, but it hasn't helped her major issues depression and not being able to deal with the world's responsibilities. I think it's ultimately made her try and hide her depression from me, to pretend she's working hard. Which is actually really, really sad. I'd like to say that when I stopped giving her money, she improved because she had to deal with the consequences of her actions, but it's not true. So I gave her all my inheritance from my father's death earlier this year. Here's to hoping she uses it for useful things, instead of blowing it like she did when she sold our family house and decided to lived off the money, rather than investing it, buying another house, or anything that would have yielded a long-term source of income.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Is this in reference to my A? I use sex. That is the most effective method that I've found so far.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I get very sympathetic. Then frustrated sad. Then angry.
I love him, I want him to be better.
I know he's sick and he won't get his own help, so he can't get better.
Then angry because I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE HAS THIS ISSUE.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I think he'd drink more. And then I'd leave him.
If I stopped trying to change my mom, I think she'd end up homeless.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Distance.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I don't think that's what I really want. My ideal fix is that he stops drinking, and I'd prefer taking a long time to get there than the quick fix, which is leaving.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When my family is incompetent as to getting a job, taking out the garbage, bathing themselves.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel shame and embarrassment when people meet my mother, or my brothers, sometimes my sister. When people meet my mother, they know a bit about my past and I hate that. They usually feel sorry for me and I want them to enjoy being in my home. It's painfully obvious who is the "parent" when I'm in the same room as my mother, and it's very embarrassing.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I was looking for answers about my bf, which is why I came here. I was hoping to find stories from the family members of alcoholics to find "what worked" for helping them get better. I hoped to figure out if there was anything I could do to help him stop drinking. I was hoping there was a clear-cut answer about what I should do.
I realize now that Al-Anon is really here to help with coping. I guess, in a sense that is what I wanted. Now, I'm still searching for the best next move. I'm hoping it will help me decide if I can live with an alcoholic, or if I'd be happier leaving.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My doctor, the only one I've really talked to about this.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? When I'm on the Al-Anon forum trying to find some hope, rather than studying as I should be.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
See the part about same and embarrassment about my mother.
And yes. When people meet my bf and talk about how wonderful he is, how handsome and responsible, and the one people often say, "it's obvious he cares about you," I feel that it compensates for the drinking. I feel validated because if the rest of the world thinks he's so amazing, that has to count for something!
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Not really.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
This is difficult for me because despite living with an alcoholic, my life is more calm and well managed than it has ever been.
How well do I take care of myself?
I do an okay job, but I could do better. I could exercise more, dress better than I do. Etc.
How do I feel when I am alone?
It varies. I like some alone time, but not a ton. A night a week is nice to have to myself, but I like having my bf around on the weekends.
What is the difference between pity and love?
You don't love someone because you feel sorry for them. Love is mutually beneficial and great. Pity is depressing and stressful.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I really don't think this is true. I am certainly attracted to one alcoholic, but he's really amazingly "together" aside from 8-11pm. I seemed plagued by a family that can't stand on their own two feet-- I'm talking can't afford the gas bill in the winter, bottom of Maslow's hierarchy stuff.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Still working on this one.
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