Help with step one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Help with step one
Hello SR...
The addict in my life, my stbxah, has been out of my life with no contact for the last 4 months. We have been separated for over a year. It feels like it is harder to make any progress with the steps now that I am out of my situation.
But I know I need them because I am not happy and my life is unmanageable even though there is no active alcoholism in my life anymore.
I dont really know where to start. I have isolated myself to a point where I feel very protected but I am not really living.
Can anyone related?
Lulu
The addict in my life, my stbxah, has been out of my life with no contact for the last 4 months. We have been separated for over a year. It feels like it is harder to make any progress with the steps now that I am out of my situation.
But I know I need them because I am not happy and my life is unmanageable even though there is no active alcoholism in my life anymore.
I dont really know where to start. I have isolated myself to a point where I feel very protected but I am not really living.
Can anyone related?
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Hey :-)
I can relate, my ex is out of my life and I only start the steps once he left (as you know), but the steps are for you. To figure out why you accepted what you do and what/how you contributed to the relationship.
Step one is powerful is that, even once the ex's are gone, our lives are still unmanagable.
We admit we are powerless over our lives and agree to take the next 11 steps to spiritual enlightenment.
L, you will do them whan you're ready. They only work when you're ready :-)
I can relate, my ex is out of my life and I only start the steps once he left (as you know), but the steps are for you. To figure out why you accepted what you do and what/how you contributed to the relationship.
Step one is powerful is that, even once the ex's are gone, our lives are still unmanagable.
We admit we are powerless over our lives and agree to take the next 11 steps to spiritual enlightenment.
L, you will do them whan you're ready. They only work when you're ready :-)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son has been missing for 6 years now, and yet I continue to work and rework the steps to keep myself balanced and in the good place I am today.
I found the steps are not just about addiction, they help me in all relationships and areas of my life.
And I too can relate to isolating, I did that too because I felt safe in my own little world. I had to make myself go out more. First with a trip to the store and back each day, then longer walks and meeting with people again. Slowly I came out of my shell.
That said, when life becomes too busy or hectic, I find my serenity by taking time to be alone...the difference is that this time it's a healthy choice and I'm not hiding from the world anymore.
Hope you can get back into working the steps. It's a wonderful program for learning to live life on life's terms.
Hugs
I found the steps are not just about addiction, they help me in all relationships and areas of my life.
And I too can relate to isolating, I did that too because I felt safe in my own little world. I had to make myself go out more. First with a trip to the store and back each day, then longer walks and meeting with people again. Slowly I came out of my shell.
That said, when life becomes too busy or hectic, I find my serenity by taking time to be alone...the difference is that this time it's a healthy choice and I'm not hiding from the world anymore.
Hope you can get back into working the steps. It's a wonderful program for learning to live life on life's terms.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
I,too,couldnt start working the program when i was with my ab.
I started to really work step one when i hit my bottom,not a minute before. i broke up with him now and working the steps,actually it's the steps that keep me from going back to him because step one is about detachement and respecting powerlessness,i know that i cant make anything better than it is ,i also know i cant deny the hurt and pain caused by his actions,choices and way of treating me,i used to endure and tolerate and accept unacceptable because i was so afraid of feeling the pain of letting go and not being with him,step one tought me to let go and detach without pain,tought me to take care of myself and to give up and give in when i'm hurt,to stop enduring and tolerating and accept the facts,i accepted the fact that my bf is an addict and an abuser,that i cant deny those two facts anymore or handle things beyond my power,there's nothing i can do to change those facts,nothing i can do to make him a better person.i used to turn myself inside out to please him,avoid his anger but now i know its not in my hands ,step one will bring you to a safe point,to accept your powerlessness and right now i try to hold on to this step as hard as i can to stay away from him.
I started to really work step one when i hit my bottom,not a minute before. i broke up with him now and working the steps,actually it's the steps that keep me from going back to him because step one is about detachement and respecting powerlessness,i know that i cant make anything better than it is ,i also know i cant deny the hurt and pain caused by his actions,choices and way of treating me,i used to endure and tolerate and accept unacceptable because i was so afraid of feeling the pain of letting go and not being with him,step one tought me to let go and detach without pain,tought me to take care of myself and to give up and give in when i'm hurt,to stop enduring and tolerating and accept the facts,i accepted the fact that my bf is an addict and an abuser,that i cant deny those two facts anymore or handle things beyond my power,there's nothing i can do to change those facts,nothing i can do to make him a better person.i used to turn myself inside out to please him,avoid his anger but now i know its not in my hands ,step one will bring you to a safe point,to accept your powerlessness and right now i try to hold on to this step as hard as i can to stay away from him.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 1
This is my first time admitting i am powerless to help change an addict. I feel that i must be attracted to codependant relationship. I grow up as a child with both parents on drugs. My first relationship was with an alcoholic. And my relationship im currently in, that seems to be ending is with a cocaine addict. I have notice that im the one everyone depends on. But i have reached my bottom sort of speak, because now im in need to depend on someone and there is no one. I feel i have seen an heard it all as far as addict are concern. And im ready to depart from this life style altogether. I currently am taking depression medication. But i have realized the only time i feel i have needed it is when the addicts in my life are on their M.I.A. Benges. This is hard for me because i have been ashamed to have accepted these thing to have been apart of my life. I PRAY THAT THIS IS MY START TO MY LIFE!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Chrissy, Glad to have you here--Welcome to SR! Keep reading...the plethora of information available on this forum is mindblowing. Also, if you post in the Newcomers forum, you will probably get a ton of responses. 
Congratulations on your newfound commitment to living life for YOU!
Congratulations on your newfound commitment to living life for YOU!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I can relate. I am sitting here debating if I should go to a meeting or not. I am trying to move on emotionally from the RABF who isn't available right now and so I thought not going to meetings will help me 'forget' but I don't think it works that way. I need that connection to know I am not crazy or isolated for caring about him as I do.
Even if he isn't physically here with me, he is in my head so I probably should stick with it.
Even if he isn't physically here with me, he is in my head so I probably should stick with it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
I too am here with you.
My sponsor and I just discussed this very issue this weekend.
I read from the alanon books and it all relates to someone who is no longer in my life, so I found myself not wanting to do it anymore, even though I need it.
So I have started relating the readings to people or incidents I am currently in contact with: my daughter, coworkers, family, anyone who fits the bill.
I find it easier to digest if I substitute a specific persons name as opposed to " the alcoholic."
I have started paying attention during my day to people (at work, home, in stores, alanon (LOL) just anywhere) and incidents that bother/irritate me so I can use them in my reading later on that day.
My reactions, when I get upset, are milder than they were when I was with him, but they still lurk heavily under the surface. I create a facade, I think, during everyday life covering my upset/anger.
I hang on to these incidents, so I can re-examine them later and see a different point of view possibly than I was seeing at the time they happened.
It helps tremendously!!
Good Luck on your quest.
BTW a really good thing would be to get to alanon and find a sponsor. Mine sometimes has to nudge me a bit when I need it.
Then I start moving again, slowly, but surely.
My sponsor and I just discussed this very issue this weekend.
I read from the alanon books and it all relates to someone who is no longer in my life, so I found myself not wanting to do it anymore, even though I need it.
So I have started relating the readings to people or incidents I am currently in contact with: my daughter, coworkers, family, anyone who fits the bill.
I find it easier to digest if I substitute a specific persons name as opposed to " the alcoholic."
I have started paying attention during my day to people (at work, home, in stores, alanon (LOL) just anywhere) and incidents that bother/irritate me so I can use them in my reading later on that day.
My reactions, when I get upset, are milder than they were when I was with him, but they still lurk heavily under the surface. I create a facade, I think, during everyday life covering my upset/anger.
I hang on to these incidents, so I can re-examine them later and see a different point of view possibly than I was seeing at the time they happened.
It helps tremendously!!
Good Luck on your quest.
BTW a really good thing would be to get to alanon and find a sponsor. Mine sometimes has to nudge me a bit when I need it.
Then I start moving again, slowly, but surely.
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