Blogs


Notices

Is it possible to really "let go"...

Old 09-09-2010, 09:09 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Is it possible to really "let go"...

while still living with my AH?

I am working towards a legal separation, waiting for the papers to be drawn up. Yet (I hate to admit this), I'm not sure I'll have the strength to go through with it when the time comes, which will be sooner than I expect.

Nearly 20 years together - it's crippling to think of moving on. I wish so bad he would seek recovery, but he has no interest in it. So I am here, due to circumstances, waiting, and wondering if I can do this.

Then, all the while knowing that I have to work on me and get better. I find myself constantly distracted by what he is doing day in and day out. Somedays I do great - I can detach from it for the most part (which I guess is progress!). But I hate that I get sucked into trying to control or change things still. I had a relapse today, and it had an UGLY outcome!

Can I say I am really doing this? Can I do this with him here right now? I want to so bad!!!

Any ideas on what I can do to truly focus on this step for real? At Celebrate Recovery last night we had a step 4 indepth study. I knew immediately that I am no where near ready for that. I'm still fighting through step 1. Ahhhh...
newnormal4me is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to newnormal4me For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (01-27-2014), irisgardens (06-14-2013), Mustang1968 (04-02-2014), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 09-10-2010, 11:47 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Blog Entries: 3
I detached from daughter and she lives here, but the whole dynamic changes with a spouse. I don't know?
Any ideas on what I can do to truly focus on this step for real?
I starting saying the words "I'm powerless" and "it's not personal" over and over again. Every time I wanted to control someone or something else, I forced me to control myself instead. I had to take the "fake it til you make it" route for a while and it was painful, I had to want it really bad. I made a mental list too, of how I wanted to respond. I made it a goal.
Chino is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Chino For This Useful Post:
Anaya (02-26-2013), Carrots (07-15-2013), fourmaggie (09-18-2010), irisgardens (06-14-2013), newnormal4me (09-12-2010), Nina Kay (01-18-2014), Summerpeach (09-28-2010)
Old 09-10-2010, 04:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
CatsPajamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I had to do stuff in baby steps. Partly because I was so scared to change, and partly because my living situation was getting to be more and more unsafe for me as I changed.

It's possible to change. It's possible to detach. It's hard sometimes, believe me. My ex got more frustrated and angrier as I made some positive changes, but I kept at it as i knew it was the right thing for me.

There were days I said the Serenity Prayer a hundred times. I started to set and work on some small boundaries. Like I said, baby steps.

Going to al Anon and working these steps saved my life. I say it all the time.
CatsPajamas is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CatsPajamas For This Useful Post:
Anaya (02-26-2013), irisgardens (06-14-2013), newnormal4me (09-12-2010), Nina Kay (01-18-2014), Stomper (01-26-2014), summer09 (10-24-2010)
Old 09-11-2010, 05:07 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
Do you guys have sponsors in Celebrate Recovery? A sponsor can offer a lot of guidance and support in working the steps. I'm on step one, currently doing the following with my sponsor:

- writing 3 pages stream of consciousness everyday, at any time of the day
- making & updating a list of what i'm powerless over
- writing a gratitude list every night before i go to bed for things i'm grateful for in that specific day; can be as simple as "i am grateful for the chicken sandwich i had for lunch"
NightandDay is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to NightandDay For This Useful Post:
Anaya (02-26-2013), BeautifulDisatr (10-04-2010), Carrots (06-09-2013), fourmaggie (09-18-2010), irisgardens (06-14-2013), newnormal4me (09-12-2010), Nina Kay (01-18-2014), Summerpeach (09-28-2010), Tammi (09-20-2010)
Old 09-18-2010, 04:31 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post

My ex got more frustrated and angrier as I made some positive changes, but I kept at it as i knew it was the right thing for me.

Going to al Anon and working these steps saved my life. I say it all the time.
is it not amazing THEY meaning the alkies SEE the changes and just HATE IT...

your rite..it is about ME...and life changing...all in patient time
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 09-20-2010, 12:01 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Carlos, Sonora Mexico
Posts: 7
My dad is dying from his cirrhosis... he is now in Liver Failure. so me and my sisters were rushing to try to give him a part of our liver.. a Living Liver Transplant. I starting thinking.. is this the ultimate enabling? He never said thank you, it was just an expectation. I thank God for taking that decision from me...we discovered is he is so far gone that he can not even get a transplant. He now has over 20 tumors in his liver with one that is 8 cm.

Now he has caused drama in our family with his new girlfriend (of 6 months) who is a daughter and ex-wife of alcoholics. She is trying to "save" him from his pain. My dad is making a choice to spend his last healthy time with her and not his children and grandchildren. It is horrible. He has also said that anyone that isn't nice to his girlfriend will be taken from the will. i'm so angry and hurt and sad.

How do I let go of that? His girlfriend says that I am the cause of his pain. I am the closest to my father and I receive most of his "blame" But now I just want to make things right before he dies, but I don't know if I can or even how or if I should just LET GO.



I've just started looking for help, I'm thankful for this site, i wish i would have looked for help years ago. I'm far from healthy, but am trying!
Tammi is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Tammi For This Useful Post:
chicory (09-22-2010), coyote21 (09-23-2010), irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 09-26-2010, 11:44 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I made a mental list too, of how I wanted to respond. I made it a goal.
Thats a great idea.i'll do it myself.thanks.
lunaa is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lunaa For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 05-08-2011, 08:50 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
BarelyHere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Is it really possible to let go?

I agree with Chino.
When I had a problem with AD, it was hard to detach but I had to. I am still her mother. But she does not live with us. I don't always agree with her decisions, but she is living her own life. She is not where I see her everyday. I don't know all the intimate details of her life. And I don't go looking for them. Success.

But the problems with my AH are very different & I am having problems with the first step. I have been able to detach some. I don't go investigating anymore, I don't think about it 24 hrs a day. (only 12, haha) But if I see him doing something in our house I dont agree with, yeah I call him on it. We also share businesses, 4 kids, bills, etc. He is involved in every aspect of my life.
My original way of detaching was shutting down. Just let him do what he wanted because he would do it anyway & I just couldn't mentally deal with challenging him on all the above facets of our life. That WAS a disaster.

So now I am back involved in my life & I care. I care about the lies & damage he does to our business, family, & me. I care about myself. I don't have much time for myself, because since I am the only one that cares, I am very busy trying to fix my life & figure out ways to seperate what I can so he can't do any more damage.

So How do I really fulfill step one?
BarelyHere is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to BarelyHere For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 08-13-2012, 04:29 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: fla
Posts: 47
How do you detach when you addict now says he hs to focus on himself and do what makes me happy I can either wait for him or move on and he is not going to date or see anyone else...well thought that b4 when he seperated so he could isolate himself to use...he went and slept with someone else now I am stuc,k not sure what to feel I am powerless no control but if sucks just sucks
ilovehim1104 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ilovehim1104 For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 13
im finding so much in these posts...thank you!
SadinNJ is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SadinNJ For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:21 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Perry, florida
Posts: 3
Wink other foot

Originally Posted by newnormal4me View Post
while still living with my AH?

I am working towards a legal separation, waiting for the papers to be drawn up. Yet (I hate to admit this), I'm not sure I'll have the strength to go through with it when the time comes, which will be sooner than I expect.

Nearly 20 years together - it's crippling to think of moving on. I wish so bad he would seek recovery, but he has no interest in it. So I am here, due to circumstances, waiting, and wondering if I can do this.

Then, all the while knowing that I have to work on me and get better. I find myself constantly distracted by what he is doing day in and day out. Somedays I do great - I can detach from it for the most part (which I guess is progress!). But I hate that I get sucked into trying to control or change things still. I had a relapse today, and it had an UGLY outcome!

Can I say I am really doing this? Can I do this with him here right now? I want to so bad!!!

Any ideas on what I can do to truly focus on this step for real? At Celebrate Recovery last night we had a step 4 indepth study. I knew immediately that I am no where near ready for that. I'm still fighting through step 1. Ahhhh...
tummy1 is offline  
Old 08-15-2012, 01:25 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Perry, florida
Posts: 3
I am attending my first meeting tonight. wish me luck. I am excited, i want my life back. with or without my soon to be x wife. my drinking caused our problems. made me stray into being unfaithful. that i cant undo, get better i can. i m only sober 5 days now, this is hard.
tummy1 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tummy1 For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-18-2014)
Old 02-25-2013, 07:16 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 12
I am just starting my first step. Its the only thing that is giving me any strength right now, and i dont even know what its about. One thing i do know. I am very sick. I am as sick with this disease as the addicts are. I want to get bwtter. After 35 years of the pain and fear, emarrassment, destruction ... I see the sick awful person ive turnes into. No more! I am going to get better. They can do what they need to do, but i am going to get better, with or without them.
ouch59 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ouch59 For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (05-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-18-2014), shinebright7 (04-06-2013)
Old 05-14-2013, 01:04 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
irisgardens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 928
ouch59...me too...and i don't know how right now, but am praying and saying to myself...i am going to take care of myself. i don't like the hopelessness and anger that is coming out of me right now. my third daughter (all three used drugs) is on heroin. hubby is a life long drinker, who is "not drinking"...wow...I don't say anything, but it sure looks like wine and coke he is drinking when we go out...yeah...i was less controlling last year...but down with depression. i need to take care of me...so one step at a time...but now he just keeps asking me how I am all the time...tone of voice...etc...and I know that the work I started 23 years ago and then each time a child went through drugs and him with his drinking and being unavailable...i am hoping not back at square one...but i feel trapped.
irisgardens is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to irisgardens For This Useful Post:
Nina Kay (01-18-2014), ouch59 (01-01-2014)
Old 06-13-2013, 10:10 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cloquet, MN
Posts: 5
Smile The Moving On is in Our thinking

Learning we can move forward in our thinking. We do not have to stay Stuck in obsession, But this takes time. We are Never standing still as long as we are moving forward at Whatever pace we Move. It will take Real time, but Real changes are very possible if we are Willing to work the steps. When we want others around us to get help, we have to ask ourselves, are We willing to do the same. We are Powerless over how our own thinking and behaviors are Effected by their thinking and behaviors. Power to me is Wisdom, there is So much wisdom in alanon.
Sickatheart2 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Sickatheart2 For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (06-14-2013), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 01-01-2014, 04:04 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 10
Reading all the positive feedback on here gives me hope! I guess because I have lived with the guilt and sorrow for so long now with my son, I assume that it is a normal feeling - that I despise with every fibre of my being!!

I worry about him all day wondering if I will get a call saying he is in hospital or dead. The first step is hard. I know it will work and I guess I need to just keep trying.
Gerrysgirl is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Gerrysgirl For This Useful Post:
Nina Kay (01-18-2014)
Old 01-01-2014, 07:42 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 12
Irisgardens, I hope you are doing better, staying strong,,letting go. It is so hard to build distance between yourself and broken realities. The more I revisit mine, the louder I hear the words, "you cant fix them, you can only fix you." We each get one life. Others have gone before us and have made it. We can too.
ouch59 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ouch59 For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (01-01-2014), Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 01-01-2014, 09:06 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
irisgardens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 928
Thanks ouch...struggling this last week and today (holidays...normal) and your post says it well.
irisgardens is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to irisgardens For This Useful Post:
Nina Kay (01-26-2014)
Old 01-26-2014, 05:16 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Still Standing
 
Nina Kay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi all. I don't know how possible it is to really let go of a spouse that you still live with. I am the Mother of a grown son that is the addict in my life. It has taken me years to learn to let go of trying to fix him or control him. I still falter at times, but am getting a whole lot better over the years. I can only do this because I believe in God & His Love & Mercy. I can believe that I can Let Go of my son's life & give him to God whom I trust to know what is best for him & for his life, knowing full well that my son does have freedom of choice to make his own decisions. I am a work in progress, but I keep working at it & actually getting better. So I can basicly Detach With Love.
Nina Kay is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Nina Kay For This Useful Post:
greeteachday (01-26-2014), hopeful4 (01-27-2014), irisgardens (01-28-2014), Seren (01-26-2014)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:40 AM.