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How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

Old 09-03-2010, 08:30 PM
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How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

I feel like I'm pretty much in control of myself......except when my AS is around. I really don't know what it is that he does or says that triggers my fight or flight response but I suspect that whatever it is.....I have the same affect on him. Our relationship has become unmanageable and it is directly related to his drug/alcohol use and my feelings/reactions toward it.
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Old 09-04-2010, 08:30 AM
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I know what you mean Kindeyes. I am a pretty together person in all other areas of my life. I am good at my job and have always prided myself in being able to handle any situation that comes my way. Until my AD's addiction. Then it all fell apart. I know my life was unmanageable when my AD's addiction started effecting every part of my life. OH, I could hold it all together in other people's eyes, but I knew I didn't really have it together. I had no focus, couldn't sit down and watch a movie, couldn't get thru the day without all these crazy thoughts in my head. Always expecting the next drama, what chaos lie ahead, what would happen today, tomorrow, next week. I had lost me.

Sorry, was rambling. But unmanagable to me, was having no control over me and my thoughts and actions. How I handled myself. I am working on that now, and you know it feels good to take back control of me.

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Old 09-04-2010, 10:04 AM
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You expressed it much better than I did. You captured EXACTLY how I feel when my AS is whirling around......I begin to whirl too. I lose ME. As I get more opportunity to find my serenity though.... I'm findthat that the whirling feeling feels even worse because there is stark contrast.

I haven't had contact with my AS in a little over three weeks now. I find that my life is much more manageable when he is not creating disruption. The question I have is.....can I have a relationship with my son or will it always be unmanageable? I truly think that until he seeks recovery and stops the drinking and drugging........his behaviors won't change and THAT is what I find intolerable. I simply don't want to be around him when he's using. Not in a judgemental kind of way....he has the right to lead his life any way he wants to.

I have lost the child that I knew and raised. He is chosing who he wants to be now. And to be real honest.......I love him......but if he was not my son.....he would not be someone I would associate with because he's unpleasant to be around.

gentle hugs
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Old 09-04-2010, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
I haven't had contact with my AS in a little over three weeks now. I find that my life is much more manageable when he is not creating disruption. The question I have is.....can I have a relationship with my son or will it always be unmanageable? I truly think that until he seeks recovery and stops the drinking and drugging........his behaviors won't change and THAT is what I find intolerable. I simply don't want to be around him when he's using. Not in a judgemental kind of way....he has the right to lead his life any way he wants to.

I have lost the child that I knew and raised. He is chosing who he wants to be now. And to be real honest.......I love him......but if he was not my son.....he would not be someone I would associate with because he's unpleasant to be around.
I don't think that I could have a relationship with my daughter anymore if she were using. I don't think it would be possible. The last 6 months before she went into rehab, our relationship wasn't good for either of us. She was always high and I was always angry. Too angry to do either of us any good. That was a good work you used. INTOLERABLE. My daughter and I are working to rebuild what once was a close relationship. But it is going to take time and alot of work. I too believe that my daughter has the right to live her life anyway she wants too and when she gets out of rehab, that is what I intend to let her do. But my boundary with her from now on is I cannot have a relationship with her if she chooses to use. It makes my life unmanageable. She is really not unpleasant to be around, but I am.

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Old 09-05-2010, 04:24 AM
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My life was unmanageable the day I threatened to kick in the crack house door.

My life was unmanageable the days I appeared to be normal and functioning.

It was not about appearances, it was about the chaos going on in my head and my heart. I was always one trigger away from insanity.

My life was unhappy and there was no real peace in it, only momentary pauses in the chaos.

I knew my life was a mess, but I couldn't seem to fix it. Any promises I made myself never lasted long.

I was told by those who went before me that I didn't have to fix it. That if I worked the steps and just "tried" one day at a time...that the rest would fall into place.

Step two gave me hope that something greater than myself could help me...that I didn't have to do this alone...

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

But first I had to finish Step one. Working it had helped me face my issues, and surrender any ideas I had about controlling others. Now it was almost time to let a power greater than myself, help "me".
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Old 09-05-2010, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
gotahavfaith
You expressed it much better than I did. You captured EXACTLY how I feel when my AS is whirling around......I begin to whirl too. I lose ME. As I get more opportunity to find my serenity though.... I'm findthat that the whirling feeling feels even worse because there is stark contrast.

I haven't had contact with my AS in a little over three weeks now. I find that my life is much more manageable when he is not creating disruption. The question I have is.....can I have a relationship with my son or will it always be unmanageable? I truly think that until he seeks recovery and stops the drinking and drugging........his behaviors won't change and THAT is what I find intolerable. I simply don't want to be around him when he's using. Not in a judgemental kind of way....he has the right to lead his life any way he wants to.

I have lost the child that I knew and raised. He is chosing who he wants to be now. And to be real honest.......I love him......but if he was not my son.....he would not be someone I would associate with because he's unpleasant to be around.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes....yours is not an unusual story. I can hardly imagine how my parents dealt with MY insanity (other than denial, that is).

Have you considered checking out Alanon and getting the benefit of lots of folks who share your experience, feelings and sense of unmanageability? He is going to do what he does, and it's unlikely that you can change it (that being part of the insane thinking). But you may be able to learn to see things differently through the recovery lens of alanon.

I always need to remind myself that whenever I have a problem with someone else....it's MY problem, not theirs.

blessings
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:05 AM
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I have been attending nar-anon (and al-anon but not as much). But have not really worked the steps like I should. This is why I'm dedicating myself to one step per month here on SR and in my reading and through Nar-anon. They say "it works if you work it" so I'm workin' it.

I think it's particularly helpful to hear from recovering A's. Perhaps they can give me perspectives from the other side of the fence........all I have is the perspective from my own side. And perhaps that's the only perspective that really counts....I don't know.

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.

Whew......that was cathartic. I haven't expressed these feelings to anyone. Not even my husband.....not in my nar-anon group..... I feel guilt on one hand for writing those things but I feel like I am finally facing the truth on the other. I feel like I just vomited feelings that have been building up for 12 years.

Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.

gentle hugs
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Old 09-05-2010, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
zbear
I have been attending nar-anon (and al-anon but not as much). But have not really worked the steps like I should. This is why I'm dedicating myself to one step per month here on SR and in my reading and through Nar-anon. They say "it works if you work it" so I'm workin' it.

I think it's particularly helpful to hear from recovering A's. Perhaps they can give me perspectives from the other side of the fence........all I have is the perspective from my own side. And perhaps that's the only perspective that really counts....I don't know.

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.

Whew......that was cathartic. I haven't expressed these feelings to anyone. Not even my husband.....not in my nar-anon group..... I feel guilt on one hand for writing those things but I feel like I am finally facing the truth on the other. I feel like I just vomited feelings that have been building up for 12 years.

Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.

gentle hugs




(((((gentleyes)))))

Thanks , for expressing pretty much what I feel about my son. Today I called him a predator- not exactly the right word-think i was going for parasite- but he got my meaning, I think.
It really hurts to feel that way, but it is not what you did that makes you feel it, it is his choices. Y9ou are just having a normal reaction to his behavior. I commend you , for being able to listen to him, and to some things you dont wish to hear. You are brave.
They are apparently having adult temper tantrums, when they do that to us. It worked in the past, for my son, but now, he is just louder, more desperate, and more ugly in his choice of words. and the years have given him insight on the right buttons to push, to bring me to my knees.

I dont know what to do about it, except to focus on me. and not listen to any nasty words from my son. if he wants to go no contact, within the home, due to his being unfair, i guess that is what it will be.
words have never done much good with my son. guess i will save them, and stop groping for the "right thing to day" that mmight reach him. He does not wish to be reached. life is too comfy right now, and until he finds out how much he is messing up his life with his choices, he wont be reached.

honey, you have my thoughts today. i am right there with you. maybe focus on the serenity prayer- that has been helping me a lot. and limit the chances for you son to berate you. my son looked rather surprised at my courage today. i felt more in charge. A day at a time.

big hugs
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Old 09-05-2010, 12:18 PM
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Try to think of it this way. It is the disease doing everything in its considerable power not to be killed. Addiction WANTS to live. It's like cancer. It consumes what is good and turns it into something evil that wants to kill the addict and keep itself alive.

Addicts and alcoholics (which are just another form of addict) are not blameless when they cause harm to others, but often it is the disease that is causing them to behave the way they do. They can choose recovery, but as I read it described (I think it was in "Under the Influence") they must experience a level of pain sufficient for them to be pushed out of the "addict" orbit into the "recovery" orbit. The disease is the counterforce keeping them in the "addict" orbit until that critical mass is achieved.

I don't know of many addicts that get up in the morning and say, "Who can I hurt today? How can I cause maximum chaos in the lives of people who care about me?" No, they get up and they say, "Man, I gotta use/drink--how can I do that with minimal pain to myself?" What they do to those around them is collateral damage as far as they are concerned. Because all they care about is avoiding their own pain of withdrawal, of thinking about anyone but themselves, of thinking about how screwed-up their own lives have become.

So it's best not to take it personally, but rather to take steps to minimize the damage to yourself and to let the consequences of the addict's actions fall squarely on themselves, where it belongs. Let the pain grow to critical mass. They will get well or they won't, but that's up to them.
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Old 09-05-2010, 12:29 PM
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Is no contact not an option for you, just to protect yourself? I know it's different when it's our children, and I have no experience, but don't some parents use this tool for self protection?

I know this is hard for all of us, but I've always said it must be the worst when it's your child. I am sorry for you both.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 09-05-2010, 01:17 PM
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Lexiecat...thank you for that perspective. I have no doubt that my AS is in great pain. It's very hard not to take it personally when it's your son or daughter. But I'm working on it. I recognize that the disease has possessed the body of the person I call my son. I only pray that he reaches that critical mass before he self destructs and dies.

coyote....basically that's where we are right now...no contact. I'm holding to the belief that no news is good news. He is still breathing. And out of self preservation, for me, it is best that I remain no contact until or unless HE decides to find recovery. Without that, I'm afraid I just don't have it in me to smile and fake that it's ok that he behaves the way he does. It's not ok for me.

I've been in denial for a very long time......even though I've been going to meetings, reading, hanging here on SR. I've been in the "I love my son" -- "He's a good person beneath the addiction" -- "If only he would decide to stop using drugs" mode of operation. I haven't been honest with myself. He and I (due to his addiction) have had a one way relationship--his way. And I simply can't function within that type of relationship.

Right now.....for me.....space and time and separation is the medicine I need to heal and move forward with my life. And working the steps.

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Old 09-05-2010, 02:12 PM
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Having a plan, working the steps, and doing things differently like going no contact will change the dynamic of the relationship.

I always feel better when I act, IOW, do something concrete to make my situation better.

I think you are on the right track, and things are bound to improve.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 09-05-2010, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Try to think of it this way. It is the disease doing everything in its considerable power not to be killed. Addiction WANTS to live. It's like cancer. It consumes what is good and turns it into something evil that wants to kill the addict and keep itself alive.

Addicts and alcoholics (which are just another form of addict) are not blameless when they cause harm to others, but often it is the disease that is causing them to behave the way they do. They can choose recovery, but as I read it described (I think it was in "Under the Influence") they must experience a level of pain sufficient for them to be pushed out of the "addict" orbit into the "recovery" orbit. The disease is the counterforce keeping them in the "addict" orbit until that critical mass is achieved.

I don't know of many addicts that get up in the morning and say, "Who can I hurt today? How can I cause maximum chaos in the lives of people who care about me?" No, they get up and they say, "Man, I gotta use/drink--how can I do that with minimal pain to myself?" What they do to those around them is collateral damage as far as they are concerned. Because all they care about is avoiding their own pain of withdrawal, of thinking about anyone but themselves, of thinking about how screwed-up their own lives have become.

So it's best not to take it personally, but rather to take steps to minimize the damage to yourself and to let the consequences of the addict's actions fall squarely on themselves, where it belongs. Let the pain grow to critical mass. They will get well or they won't, but that's up to them.
Lexie....right on point. You only forgot the part about the addict swearing he/she will never do it again....and breaking that promise the following day. I never doubt that the desire to quit is sincere...it's just that it is, as we say, only a MOMENT of clarity. It passes quickly. I had lots of such moments, but it was the gift of desperation that finally moved me into recovery (and a great part of that was having no more bridges to burn).

blessings
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:19 PM
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I have this saved in about a half dozen places on different computers so I will never lose it. It was written by Jon, the wonderful man who started SR:

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior.

You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.

You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction.

I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else.

It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
For awhile I had it printed out and in my wallet so I could have it with me as a constant reminder. It was that explanation that allowed me to detach with love from my A who was doing his best to ruin his own life. It was Jon and others here who told me I could love him right into his grave if I didn't get out of the way and allow him to experience the JOY of his own consequences. The people here held my hand every step of the way as I set and maintained boundaries... and they reminded me that I could and should teach people how to treat me.

Grace.
Dignity.
Respect.

I outlined the things I would and would not talk about. I told him I didn't want to hear about his conquests, how drunk or high he got, or what dumb things somebody did at a party. Those are not what your mom wishes to discuss with you. And I'm going to end the conversation immediately if we go there. I learned to say "well, I love you and I've got to go now." And I would hang up the phone.

There was a period of time where we didn't talk much. He was struggling in his life, and he really didn't have anything else to talk to me about! sometimes our conversations were very short - hi, blah blah, well, I have to go and I love you. And I remember a few times that I worried I might never get another chance to speak with him again. And GOD I was scared. But the people here loved me through it and reminded me that if it was our last conversation, it had been a good and loving one.

This mom stuff? It ain't for weenies. Thank god there's a place like SR and a program of recovery available to us so that we have the tools we need to make it through whatever happens.
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post
I have this saved in about a half dozen places on different computers so I will never lose it. It was written by Jon, the wonderful man who started SR:



For awhile I had it printed out and in my wallet so I could have it with me as a constant reminder. It was that explanation that allowed me to detach with love from my A who was doing his best to ruin his own life. It was Jon and others here who told me I could love him right into his grave if I didn't get out of the way and allow him to experience the JOY of his own consequences. The people here held my hand every step of the way as I set and maintained boundaries... and they reminded me that I could and should teach people how to treat me.

Grace.
Dignity.
Respect.

I outlined the things I would and would not talk about. I told him I didn't want to hear about his conquests, how drunk or high he got, or what dumb things somebody did at a party. Those are not what your mom wishes to discuss with you. And I'm going to end the conversation immediately if we go there. I learned to say "well, I love you and I've got to go now." And I would hang up the phone.

There was a period of time where we didn't talk much. He was struggling in his life, and he really didn't have anything else to talk to me about! sometimes our conversations were very short - hi, blah blah, well, I have to go and I love you. And I remember a few times that I worried I might never get another chance to speak with him again. And GOD I was scared. But the people here loved me through it and reminded me that if it was our last conversation, it had been a good and loving one.

This mom stuff? It ain't for weenies. Thank god there's a place like SR and a program of recovery available to us so that we have the tools we need to make it through whatever happens.
Great post. But my fave line was the last one: it's none of my business what other's think of me.

And one of my rules is to mind my own business.

blessings
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:34 AM
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zbear
Thank you for sharing that post. It is so directly applicable to my current situation. Unfortunately, my AS will not allow me the opportunity to set boundaries. When I attempt to do so, it turns into another verbal assault from him. And I can't get a word in edgewise and if I do say anything.....he'll turn it around and use it as a weapon toward me. The only time he's pleasant is when he needs/wants something.....and then he can charm the pants off a preacher.

Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Having a plan, working the steps, and doing things differently like going no contact will change the dynamic of the relationship.
I am hoping that our current state of "no contact" will change the dynamic of the relationship. It certainly is giving me time to find my center again and time to really work the steps so that perhaps......just perhaps......if or when we do see each other again, I will be better prepared to deal with him.

Thank you again (all of you) for helping me with step ONE. I will continue to read and stay in Step One for the entire month of September so that I can fully and totally accept that I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.

gentle hugs
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:14 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=Kindeyes;2700225]zbear
I

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.



Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.

(((Kindeyes)))

you just described my son and our relationship. uncanny. i know the dread, the fear, the avoidance of any subject that could lead to more of his complaining and neediness.

Yep- unmanageable is how it feels, too. cant win this one on my own.

How to be around them and still remain "powerless" is a real tough one. Just trying to remain neutral is stressful.
my son is not actively drinking or using, but if he was, he would be just like this. the verbal attacking , the whining, the self pity.
boy, it zapps my energy, and makes my brain scrambled.

hugs,and prayers,
chicory
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:16 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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by Kindeyes-

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.



Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.
(((Kindeyes)))

you just described my son and our relationship. uncanny. i know the dread, the fear, the avoidance of any subject that could lead to more of his complaining and neediness.

Yep- unmanageable is how it feels, too. cant win this one on my own.

How to be around them and still remain "powerless" is a real tough one. Just trying to remain neutral is stressful.
my son is not actively drinking or using, but if he was, he would be just like this. the verbal attacking , the whining, the self pity.
boy, it zapps my energy, and makes my brain scrambled.

hugs,and prayers,
chicory
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:28 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=chicory;2712461]
Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
zbear
I

When my son is around, it feels as though he is TRYING to create chaos--that is his mission when he's around me. There is no comfortable coexistence there......I am always on guard. I am always deflecting questions for money or food or he's telling me about what his current DOC or the last drug was that he used. He says that he's so glad he can tell me all about his "drug community" (because I'm sitting there calmly not reacting to the crap he is spewing out of his mouth) but INSIDE it's turning me inside out and churning me up. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS DRUG COMMUNITY! He verbally rails at me for the slightest thing I say that he takes offense to and turns it into an all out attack on my life, belief systems, family, husband, daughter, work, lifestyle, whatever. He whines about his life and what a total mess it is but he doesn't want suggestions on how to make it better--he just wants to purge his mind of all that crap that's wreaking havoc in his life. He doesn't want to do the WORK that it takes to make his life better....he just wants ME to do it for him. And because I won't and don't....it's a full out verbal assault to try to get me to acquiesce. If begging, pleading, and guilting don't work.....he PULLS OUT verbal FORCE. I don't experience any comfort or enjoymentbeing around him.....at all. And believe me.....I've tried.....but it's not a relationship when you're AFRAID to open your mouth EVEN TO AGREE WITH HIM for fear that it will result in another verbal assault. I'm just trying to preserve some part of ME that he won't suck away. He's like a parasite that is draining me of ......well......ME. There is no give and take........that is how I feel when he's around. And that feeling goes away when he goes away.



Now.....if that's not "unmanageable" I don't know what is.

(((Kindeyes)))

you just described my son and our relationship. uncanny. i know the dread, the fear, the avoidance of any subject that could lead to more of his complaining and neediness.

Yep- unmanageable is how it feels, too. cant win this one on my own.

How to be around them and still remain "powerless" is a real tough one. Just trying to remain neutral is stressful.
my son is not actively drinking or using, but if he was, he would be just like this. the verbal attacking , the whining, the self pity.
boy, it zapps my energy, and makes my brain scrambled.

hugs,and prayers,
chicory
Kindeyes. That was a powerful message. You may even want to consider printing it out and giving it to your son to read...preferably not in your presence. I, for one, never really understood the pain, misery and fears I created in the lives of loved ones, at least not until I had recovered. I was about three years sober before I finally stopped blaming my parents for my insanity.

blessings
zenbear
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