irisgardens

IN PREPARING TO TAKE AN INVENTORY:

Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way? I am willing to look honestly at myself. I was cheered and given the power to continue on this step when I realized in reading the questions yesterday that we start with a positive inventory. Quite frankly, I thought it was all about how flawed and broken I am...and have been working my program vigorously for 19 years...by always in context of the addiction of a newly discovered addict...turns out that I have been surrounded by them all my life...but was in deep denial for a very long time. I thought every one else was perfect except for my Dad and myself...and we were caring but deeply flawed people.

I am grateful for the clarity that is helping me write this...it is time for me to do this step and not expect and respond to the worst...feeling myself a failure when I cannot make an addict well...but to, for the first time, focus on getting better for myself, irrespective of how the addict is...and to trust my higher power.

Many people do not like my honesty...and I have suffered through abandonment of people who are unable to care because (probably of their addiction) but I am grateful for today.

Yes, I am willing and I will give it my best shot.

Have I sought help from my Higher Power, my sponsor or other Al-Anon members?

Yes, I have sought help from my higher power...ever since my oldest daughter used ecstasy and coke 19 years ago...I have (albeit reluctantly at first and hating every minute) sought to read, to go to some meetings (these were not my strength although I have started naranon f2f meetings recently and need to go now...and done therapy and sought advice of doctors for myself...even as I also required my underage teenager (then another) and now another who is an adult...much worse--to do the family support work I could find.

I have taken suggestions...find that I resist them at first but if I can remember them or write them down...I follow almost every one as I become ready. I can be a groaner and a complainer and although right now I am so exhausted I don't have much of that in me...I have found the 12 steps and each step through another person, a suggestion, a technique trained by a therapist (e.g., detachment) that, over time, and with practice becomes easier with each new addict.

I search for literature and I am open to the best help I can hear. I do not respond well to being told what to do...but in reading and hearing other people talk about their experiences...I have very slowly and very small step by small step taken all I can get from recovery and asked questions and found out more truth...layer by layer...each one revealed in God's time.

What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?

Emotional detachment which I progressed to calling release with love.
Start with myself and the only person I can change is myself.
Trying to take better care of myself...started with drinking water and have a long way to go...but am taking teensy tinysy steps and changing slow by slow.
Do service for others so that I don't get wrapped up in my own problems.
'No expectations'
Love the addict as they are and not as you want them to be.
Acceptance
Baby steps and not overdoing it--tend to overwhelm myself with too much.
Internalizing the 3 C's...has been hard but long term progress.

Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?

I don't know if I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory...until the other day...I thought I wasn't strong enough to do a 4th step because I had to see all the bad things about myself and do something about it...I have spent many years in self reflection, prayer, and meditation...just asking God to change me and to bless whoever else is 'them' and I have worked through some things...I am far more accepting, don't take things as personally, don't push too hard to 'fix' things...but let things take their own course as much as I am able...so I believe that I am on the right track and will start with this.

What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me? Searching means to be thorough and complete and also to take into consideration the 'truths' that I have been told about myself (good or bad) that might be true for me. It is to accept that I have blind spots but I no longer believe that life can be perfect (which was a huge character flaw from my growing up)--I don't believe that people do things to me on purpose but have their own issues...I have learned to release in love through very hard situations and accept that not everybody has to like me or understand me and that with some people there is no way I can please them...no matter what.

It is a constant journey and learning...I am never done.

What does a “moral inventory” mean?

Looking at my own self and seeing what my character flaws that I might rationalize or not take accountability for might be...and as I work through these...continue to see others that become more visible as I work through some.

To be accountable for my own self and morals and spiritual journey and to own the good and the bad...as best I can at any step in my recovery journey.

*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
I finally had to courage to look at the questions for step 4...I have been working on my recovery for 19 years...and yet...have never done the questions around step 4 (I do 1-3 a lot for each new crisis in life that I can't handle...and probably just to live every day).

I was worried when I first read these questions...could I do this well enough? could I be honest enough? but today (after a few days of contemplation and then reading on--I realize that it is time to deal with this...and that me worrying about failing recovery and especially this step...is not healthy...for me).

So here goes.

Fly N Buy

When I did my 4th step I was pretty good at it having done everyone else's for many years!!

Thanks for the post!

I was instructed to not write a novel - War and Peace, try to work on the boulders.... I found this helpful.

kind regards,
fly

irisgardens

Thanks Flynn--have been told that I have very deep feelings and when working on anything I tend to go deep.

I will work on the boulders (except when all the stuff seems to be coming up all at once again)--it has always been this way...a trigger in my current life (my 3rd daughters active addiction), paired with ACOA issues, and the financial issues and desperation of needing to make a living.

I am praying to God to help me 'take it easy' but it is all in my body...so it even takes a lot for me to have the thoughts that I can write...I call it...'when the tar starts floating up from the bottom of the La Brea tar pits (a CA place where prehistoric remains got stuck in a tar pit' and it can take so long to bubble up for enough clarity to take another step...big one...so I am just going to do my best...and process as best I can (I am so wordy--dislike it bit it is what it is) and will take that good suggestion...try not to write War and Peace...as I just need to do it.

irisgardens

I guess I have been working on my 4th step--see two steps written on this site where I tried writing some things down.

I see a lot of self-loathing in myself and when I go down or through crisis (& there has been much)--I blame me...and that makes it worse.

Setting boundaries is probably the hardest thing...and I usually need to be pushed to a wall before I am able to do it...and be in recovery...otherwise I explode.

I am also a people pleaser and then the boundaries go down.

I am not as awful as I thought I was a few weeks ago...but have no self esteem to speak of...

I know this may not be the 'right' way to do the 4th step...but I am coming to understand that after letting my boundaries completely fall last year for my active heroin addict daughter...I am now making progress again...and it is good to know that it is baby steps.

irisgardens

About 13 years ago...when my Dad passed and my 'not dealt with feelings about my son's passing 8 years previous' and my previous (in caretaking) bff's--Mom and sis shunned me...I did a lot of work and was told I had no boundaries to speak of...I also didn't know what to do to pick myself up, etc.

Well, I have had another failure of boundaries...different items this time...financial failure, a 3rd child addict--this one caught as an adult...previous support of a 2nd one who is now blaming me (or seemed to be several months ago), no family support in coming home from my husband's home country (my HP found me a job over skype--so that was that)--and now lost that job and working on not blaming myself for everything...I need the recovery again deeper...

So, remembering the good things people told me about myself 10 years ago (reached out to ask for the good and the trade-offs)--and that I have been able to internalize...

1. Thoughtful
2. Caring
3. Understanding
4. Innovative
5. A good friend
6. Detailed
7. Leads by example (in hard situations)
8. Strong (not really but it appears that way to outsiders often)

I am working hard not to put the blame of not being able to support my active addict daughter in her recovery because she wasn't ready and went no contact finally.

It is hard...I am finding a deep layer of myself (from childhood) who always blamed myself but my therapists have said it is impossible to be all to blame. This got triggered when my immediate family chose to reject my staying with them...and I have already been through this with family of origin (had just let go...just ... just...) so it took me so far down and I was so vulnerable.

I started setting boundaries...but I have not set too many ... just enough not to take the manipulation and the bullying with one child...and to set boundaries with the other two who were standing with her. I have been through this before...I was weak as the financial issues continued in Chile and the not being honest...but I set a few boundaries...and have more to go.

It is really hard.

irisgardens

When I was young, I used to step in front of my two middle siblings when Dad got mad and was going to spank them. I took those spankings...I wish that I could do it that easily now...but it is a lot harder as an adult...and somehow I keep blaming myself for all that is wrong...so just standing up and going to my naranon meetings and repeating the serenity prayer and the 3 C's...hoping that there is something deeper in me that I can do for me.

I am working hard to agree with the good 'stuff' inventory so know that I have gone downhill in the years I was working so hard to not go down financially...need to get up and walk.