Insights that helped me (Bible thumping)
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Insights that helped me (Bible thumping)
I'm going to warn you upfront that I'm going to talk about God, so if that offends you, you have the opportunity now to turn away. I'm not sure if this is Step 4 or 5 -- it's the Step 4 spiritual inventory, and I guess sharing it with you is Step 5.
I was raised in the church. I remember being about 10, sitting in the church pews, and reciting the Nicene Creed. And I was thinking "I'm saying this but I can't really figure out that I've done anything that bad that it would count as sin." Sort of like the pharisee in the Bible who says "Thank you, God, that I'm not as bad as some people."
For years in my A marriage, I struggled. I struggled with how God could allow this. How God could allow my husband to continue drinking. How God could allow him to be abusive to me and the children. I prayed. I cried. I had angry conversations with God. I said "I HAVE BEEN A GOOD WIFE. I don't deserve this." Pretty much like when I was 10.
I left. I didn't feel I had God's permission to leave, but I left anyway. I never felt I had angered God by leaving. But I also didn't feel I really had the right to.
I had left the marriage, the situation, the abuse. But I had not worked it out with God. In the years since I left, I have been pushing the guilt away. The guilt for leaving when I wasn't sure I had permission to. I've put the Bible on the shelf and stopped going to church. I've known in the back of my mind that I needed to talk this through with God. But I've resisted.
I've filled my life with other things. Good things. Helping my kids work through the abuse they suffered. Creating a new life for us. But I've neglected the central part -- working through my part of the dysfunction spiritually. Confessing my sins, or shortcomings, if you wish. Asking God to forgive me for those.
And then a friend was stricken, out of the blue it seemed, with an aggressive cancer. I asked her what I could do for her. She said, "pray." And if you're a believer or not... if you have unfinished business with another person -- you know you can't just walk up to them and say, "Hey, man -- I have a favor to ask you." You have to ask for forgiveness first.
So I've read. I've prayed. I've talked to God. About how I didn't trust him all those years. About how I was proud and thought I was better than those women who left their As. How I was proud and felt that I was better than AXH. How I despised him. How I cowered in fear in front of AXH rather than stand tall and trust that God would have my back. How I allowed AXH to abuse me and the children without calling him out, trusting that God would have my back. How I stopped talking to AXH. How I stopped telling him what his behavior was doing to me, to the children, to our marriage. How I gave up on God being able to change my situation. Gave up on waiting for God to tell me I had the right to leave. The last three years of my marriage, I smiled. I deflected. I avoided. So when AXH calls me a liar -- he is right. I wasn't honest with him. My excuse has been "I was afraid he would hurt me more" because that was my experience. I didn't call on Supernatural Support from God. I acted like I was fighting the devil of addiction ALONE.
James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
I didn't resist the devil. I smiled at him. Hoping he would stop tormenting me if I were just nice. As y'all know, it doesn't work that way.
Some of our double winners talk about how recovery from alcoholism is threefold, or fourfold: Physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. I think recovery for codependents is the same way. And I had neglected the spiritual part. I had gotten over the physical and rational parts. I was working on the emotional part. But I ignored the spiritual part. And that's where I found the key to taking the next giant leap in my recovery.
I had forgiven my husband. I had emotionally and rationally made it permissible to leave. Even if the guilt popped up every time I heard from AXH. But I had not spiritually made peace with God. I was still angry at God for putting me through the hell of an alcoholic marriage.
I comfortably neglected the little details that I chose to marry this man. I chose to ignore the red flags God put up when I met AXH. I chose to give up on God rather than enlist his power in fighting the devil that addiction let into my marriage.
I've worked through the physical, mental, emotional shortcomings that were my responsibility in my marriage before. I had not worked through the spiritual ones. I didn't submit myself to God. I was taking on the devil in hand-to-hand combat on my own. And ended up running from him instead of seeing God make the devil run from me.
But throughout this process, I've come to believe that God is not angry with me. That God understands my running from my AXH and the devil of addiction to protect myself, to protect my children. I can sort of see God standing there saying "You silly girl. I had a car waiting for you. And yet, you chose to run on your own. Without a jacket. In the pouring rain. It could have been easier for you, but you chose your path."
And I'm left with this: If you're choosing to fight the devil with your own weapons, you will lose. If you're fighting a losing fight and don't remember you have bigger weapons at your side, running from the devil is a good second choice.
I feel like God has released me from the guilt. Forgiven me. There's much more to it, but that is, I think, the core. And if it helps someone, great. If it offends someone, it's still my experience.
I was raised in the church. I remember being about 10, sitting in the church pews, and reciting the Nicene Creed. And I was thinking "I'm saying this but I can't really figure out that I've done anything that bad that it would count as sin." Sort of like the pharisee in the Bible who says "Thank you, God, that I'm not as bad as some people."
For years in my A marriage, I struggled. I struggled with how God could allow this. How God could allow my husband to continue drinking. How God could allow him to be abusive to me and the children. I prayed. I cried. I had angry conversations with God. I said "I HAVE BEEN A GOOD WIFE. I don't deserve this." Pretty much like when I was 10.
I left. I didn't feel I had God's permission to leave, but I left anyway. I never felt I had angered God by leaving. But I also didn't feel I really had the right to.
I had left the marriage, the situation, the abuse. But I had not worked it out with God. In the years since I left, I have been pushing the guilt away. The guilt for leaving when I wasn't sure I had permission to. I've put the Bible on the shelf and stopped going to church. I've known in the back of my mind that I needed to talk this through with God. But I've resisted.
I've filled my life with other things. Good things. Helping my kids work through the abuse they suffered. Creating a new life for us. But I've neglected the central part -- working through my part of the dysfunction spiritually. Confessing my sins, or shortcomings, if you wish. Asking God to forgive me for those.
And then a friend was stricken, out of the blue it seemed, with an aggressive cancer. I asked her what I could do for her. She said, "pray." And if you're a believer or not... if you have unfinished business with another person -- you know you can't just walk up to them and say, "Hey, man -- I have a favor to ask you." You have to ask for forgiveness first.
So I've read. I've prayed. I've talked to God. About how I didn't trust him all those years. About how I was proud and thought I was better than those women who left their As. How I was proud and felt that I was better than AXH. How I despised him. How I cowered in fear in front of AXH rather than stand tall and trust that God would have my back. How I allowed AXH to abuse me and the children without calling him out, trusting that God would have my back. How I stopped talking to AXH. How I stopped telling him what his behavior was doing to me, to the children, to our marriage. How I gave up on God being able to change my situation. Gave up on waiting for God to tell me I had the right to leave. The last three years of my marriage, I smiled. I deflected. I avoided. So when AXH calls me a liar -- he is right. I wasn't honest with him. My excuse has been "I was afraid he would hurt me more" because that was my experience. I didn't call on Supernatural Support from God. I acted like I was fighting the devil of addiction ALONE.
James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
I didn't resist the devil. I smiled at him. Hoping he would stop tormenting me if I were just nice. As y'all know, it doesn't work that way.
Some of our double winners talk about how recovery from alcoholism is threefold, or fourfold: Physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual. I think recovery for codependents is the same way. And I had neglected the spiritual part. I had gotten over the physical and rational parts. I was working on the emotional part. But I ignored the spiritual part. And that's where I found the key to taking the next giant leap in my recovery.
I had forgiven my husband. I had emotionally and rationally made it permissible to leave. Even if the guilt popped up every time I heard from AXH. But I had not spiritually made peace with God. I was still angry at God for putting me through the hell of an alcoholic marriage.
I comfortably neglected the little details that I chose to marry this man. I chose to ignore the red flags God put up when I met AXH. I chose to give up on God rather than enlist his power in fighting the devil that addiction let into my marriage.
I've worked through the physical, mental, emotional shortcomings that were my responsibility in my marriage before. I had not worked through the spiritual ones. I didn't submit myself to God. I was taking on the devil in hand-to-hand combat on my own. And ended up running from him instead of seeing God make the devil run from me.
But throughout this process, I've come to believe that God is not angry with me. That God understands my running from my AXH and the devil of addiction to protect myself, to protect my children. I can sort of see God standing there saying "You silly girl. I had a car waiting for you. And yet, you chose to run on your own. Without a jacket. In the pouring rain. It could have been easier for you, but you chose your path."
And I'm left with this: If you're choosing to fight the devil with your own weapons, you will lose. If you're fighting a losing fight and don't remember you have bigger weapons at your side, running from the devil is a good second choice.
I feel like God has released me from the guilt. Forgiven me. There's much more to it, but that is, I think, the core. And if it helps someone, great. If it offends someone, it's still my experience.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Amy, I too dealt with my life on my own without a HP. When I realized my biggest step 4 was my anger and abandonment spiritually, I was thunderstruck.
This is so amazingly described in your post. Thank you for sharing it!
This is so amazingly described in your post. Thank you for sharing it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
This is a wonderful post and one that I keep coming back to read...I also talk about God...because I knew God before coming to recovery and God is the name for my HP. I continue to learn and grow about the depth and capacity of God...even though I recognized at age 4 there was a something bigger than (at the time a deep grief I felt at being scolded by my mother and then ignored--yep...my stuff runs deep...) my mother when a butterfly came onto the lawn close to me...and I saw the vivid green of the hill across the street...and as I have grown and learned and allowed God to be there for me and with me...vs the times I blame, get resentful, etc....I am so blessed. Thank you for your insights...they are powerful.
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