CodeJob

Thankful today to be checking in here.

Tried to spend the month in my HPs pocket. There has been a bit of a balm to my soul to accept my spirituality is just not dogma-based. When I sit in service now I try to just open my ears to the message in a wider way. And if I am hearing judgmental hypocrisy, I pray something else or I let my mind wander or I ponder if the church is set up wrong in its masculinity and suffering. Ready to journal Step 4, talk about it in counseling, and hope my HP sends me a sponsor.

Steps1-3 are like 3 charms on a bracelet. I can touch them and make sure they are still there like prayer beads or reminders of where I have been and where I need to go. Go with an open heart not recrimination. Lent starts this week - a good time for introspection. Winter still grips most of the nation. It is going to be a slow spring.

I am going to try to meditate every day of March. Most of the times I try to meditate I fall asleep. So I guess the first step is to stop doing it laying down!

CodeJob

Started step 4 focused journal yesterday. Working through a checklist of traits and finding several that are on the "good" side are actually bad for me in degree like loyalty. Another one is humility has been twisted in me - making me not stand up for myself enough in the past... So i was circling traits and then had arrows moving the traits around and jotted notes for future journaling and the sheet wound up looking like a strategic war. Pretty funny as it is clear I am at war with my self.

But I was surprised to see some of my natural traits are not so evident now. I have made some headway in my life and I am not starting this step from scratch. There is evidence of previous focused battles with some wins.

CodeJob

Plot thickens- I wanted to post here briefly just in case someone is struggling with tackling Step 4.

I have not delved into ACOA issues because neither of my parents are addicts. So then why do I score 18/20 on the ACOA quiz?

What brought me to this path? Well luckily I have counseling appt this next week. Time to go back to my family and my relationships with family and why I took the geographic cure.

My H is ACOA but in 20 years of marriage we have never had one conversation about it. One SIL accepts it and the other shrugs. So learning more about this might help me deal with my H, his family dynamics, and investigate what would make me score like this within my own family?

CodeJob

Step 4 Update- The last 10 days have been difficult. I feel like I keep seeing bits of my life through a kaleidoscope - my perceptions change as I twist the crystals. Sometimes one issue becomes dominant or the overall view makes me realize there is a connection or a shared thread of behavior or thought pattern that I had never noticed before...

My T wanted to hammer home another point at the last session so I did not talk Step 4 with him. I summarized one nice evening with my H and he asked me, "Is that enough for you? Do you feel validated in the relationship with one nice dinner conversation?" And the answer was no. My T wanted me to really grasp that I am not satisfied in my marriage. I am in no physical danger, so it isn't a bad thing to give it time and work my steps. Having a lifelong inability to let go, within 48 hours I was scheming up another last ditch effort to save my marriage. I did look at houses for sale but nothing called out to me. I figured I will just keep working on Step 4, my marriage, and counseling and my HP will help me determine how this is all going to lead me past tomorrow.

I did talk to my H a bit about ACoA. I had him take the quiz and our overlap is very interesting. He is a triple crown from my viewpoint - codependent, ACoA, and RA. Although I can't change him, I feel like knowing these things helps me deal with him. At the very least my patience level. Also I can see how we respond very similarly to situations and have many of the same handicaps. Somewhat cynically, it appears we were indeed made for each other.

Thinking and reflecting on me - I have an extreme fear of abandonment and am very distrustful of emotions. This has been an issue for as far back as my memories go. There is no hidden addiction and I do not think I have any forgotten sexual or physical abuse. Emotional abuse? Well I'm not sure on that one. It pings when I sound there. Neglect? Emotional denial? I'm not quite sure if this is true or I just misread situations repeatedly as a child. I have some anxious lifelong habits that I did not know were due to anxiety. No one ever understood it as anxiety. I felt the need to stuff my feelings, I was constrained, as I think back to my childhood I seem to only recall moments being alone and moments struggling to connect and always feeling like I had a wall. I remember having a hard time talking. I remember having a terrible fear of speaking up for myself. I remember fighting OCD like perfectionism as a kid. I knew I was an introvert, but now I think there is more history to this wall and my social capabilities. Is it due to emotional abuse or me being a kid always being hypersensitive and over-reacting? I am not sure. I have a horrific memory. Things just happen to me and I forget. I wonder if I forget a little too conveniently.

I still have this wall. My first serious relationship I was an absolute codie and imploded the relationship trying way too hard. That was the only time in my entire life I ever took down my wall for a prolonged period and I was decimated when that young man ended the relationship. Surprise surprise, he was emotionally distant and I thought I could change him by sacrificing myself to our glowing future. Another intimate relationship, I did not know how to end it. I switched things up and I remember being the emotionally distant and untrusting one. Another one, well I felt sorry for the guy. All of these are totally codie relationship issues. It is sad to see myself making the same mistakes over and over and over. At the time, I saw it as progress. I felt my future H was a good choice. And to be honest, we have had some very happy times despite the alcoholism always in the wings. I cannot change the past, but I can see patterns that I may want to strive to not repeat in my future.

It really has been difficult to concentrate at work as my thoughts are constantly turning the kaleidoscope. My attempts at meditating have been more of a reflection as I mull these issues over. When I drive or run I feel like my head is totally somewhere else. Clearly my HP is keeping me safe as I think these things through. I'm really praying for guidance and release. I hope dealing with this honestly and taking time to do it right will heal me, make me a better parent, and make me a better partner.

I also read The 5 Love Languages. Several people suggested this book to me and I took it as an omen and got it and read it right away. I tested as Quality Time for my primary love language. I feel like this has been my lifelong need to feel loved and cared for. Right now I am totally starved. My H grudgingly did the quiz and he was Acts of Service. This is helpful information as it puts a lot of repetitive fights in our marriage in a new light. He did not ask me for my result. I am seriously in danger of having an affair. If anyone paid attention to me I would just interpret their kindness as an omen that they were my ticket out of loneliness. It is sad to be lonely when you are married. I have felt this several times in my marriage. Why? Because my H is emotionally distant. I'm emotionally distant at times too. Who else in my life was emotionally distant? Any sucker could guess that my father is emotionally distant. My mom was volatile, so I totally took after my dad. My sister did too. I do not trust emotions. I feel that they are manipulative.

So I am going to keep piecing things together. The other book I am finishing up is The Happiness Hypothesis.

CodeJob

Meditation - 3/20/14

Woke up this morning on the couch. I kept bugging my RAH last night, so I took myself out of the situation. I was restless and wanted to talk. God forbid we deal with my emotions. It is never a good time. I broke 2 'rules' as it was night and a work night at that.

Luckily I fell asleep - and slept ALL night. When I woke up, I meditated on the blue swishy TV screen. There is a black splotch on the screen that morphs into a bird in flight as the blue swirls. I have no idea how we damaged the TV screen, but it has been there a long time. It is possible it got hit playing something on the Wii. It is possible a ball hit the TV screen. It is possible we dusted it off too hard and with a cleanser you aren't supposed to use. My RAH placed the blame on DS and the Wii. I really didn't care how it happened, and just accepted it was what it was. My parents visited for a weekend, noticed it right away, and kind of complained about it. Actually they were the ones who made it real. I knew it was there, but they pointed it out that it was a problem. So I am watching this bird shadow fly on the TV screen and this is not working well bc I have all the thoughts above about the splotch.

There is a scrap of a song in my head then, "But I think its about ... forgiveness - forgiveness. Even if - even if - you don't love me anymore." This is Don Henley - "Heart of the Matter." So I'm on step 4. I have some forgiveness I need to work on - forgiveness towards my self and others. But it is very clear to me I selected a mate who is emotionally withdrawn because that is all I knew. I would have had no clue how to deal with a partner who actually told me what they were thinking and dealt openly with emotions. I have started to throw this emotional reticence shield away - I am trying to change - but I cannot expect anyone else to change. My father will remain silent. My RAH's recovery will likely not cause him to become more emotionally open and communicative.

So I think about the bird, and how it is really not a blue bird - it is a black bird. Then as the blue swirls, it looks like an owl flying. We have a neighborhood owl, and sometimes I hear it calling. The funny thing is I realized I like this splotch on the screen. I cannot really tell you how many sleeplessness nights I have watched the swirling blue with the bird. I will wake up and there it is. I will focus on it and sometimes fall back asleep.

But for a moment I feel like I am flying. I am making progress. Even if there were thoughts in my mind meditating today - they were stray thoughts coming together into a new understanding of me and my relationships.

CodeJob

I have started journaling my traits. I free journaled a bit, and then started grouping the flaw traits onto a Step 4 flaw sheet. This sheet only recommends dealing with 12 flaws. I also noted on the trait sheet that several of my flaw traits are synonyms - so I put them together on the same line. I made some good headway and feel at peace with how things are moving. I should have some time tonight to work on it again. Anger. I have stuffed it and really have no idea what is going to come out as it is so buried. I have not written it on the flaw sheet yet - even though it starts with A!

When I got home, my RAH was in a bad mood over money. I have asked him several times in the past months to sit down and work on a family budget in light of his drastic pay reduction but he has refused. He complained to me about my car payment and the $45 I spent at Target. I did not take the bait. I suspect his pay cut is a resentment making him want to drink. I have even offered to just take my car payment bill and not do a formal budget and he declined that offer too. I also split the Target purchase and paid more than he did. I have stepped up paying for things and keep my mouth shut quite a bit too. I knew we are both traditional enough that the fact I make more than him is a problem. He also likes to buy things for people and right now he makes so little that he does not even have a lot of free money to use for that purpose. I have openly told him I was concerned each time he got paid he would be angry and suggested maybe he should keep job hunting. This made him upset, so I said nothing further. It is his job, his career, his choice. It makes me sad he is broken but knowing about ACOA traits now, I manage to stop myself much much sooner. I may be married to him, but my love or pity cannot save him. He may live the rest of his life choosing not to identify and try to heal these wounds.

I let it go and walked away from him. I went upstairs and did my own thing. I was a bit perturbed but I kept it to myself. Not well enough though as my DS came to me in the closet and said, "Don't worry about it mom. You paid for more than half ". This kid gives me more reassurance than my H. Which is not right. We operate as a team of two and are often on the same wavelength. I am sad he is not so close with his dad. But again, there is not much I can do about that. I think my kid knows with more clarity than me that I am love starved and this cannot go on much longer.

Woke up at 2 am because I heard something. It was our neighborhood owl! I took it as a sign from my HP that I am on the right path. It was nice to lie there and hear my RAH resting peacefully and not snoring with sleep apnea. He is nearing 12 mo sober. I hope he makes it.

I have felt in my heart from the start this process of recovery would put us on separate paths. I was already detached and trying to live my own life before he went to rehab. I had already fought some of my own inner demons and matured over the years. Becoming a parent made me really tamp down my Type A workaholic/perfectionistic tendencies. Every time I wanted to be the work martyr I forced my kid to the top of my priority list. Working with a bunch of brilliant people occasionally makes me feel less than and I want to achieve achieve achieve, but being with my kid and watching him grow has been transformative to me. This time utilizing the 12 steps I can see a transformation. It is scary. It triggers my fear of abandonment. But I am already lonely in this relationship. His unwillingness to work on our intimacy or marriage is not my fault. It is his choice. So onwards with step 4.

CodeJob

Step 4 Update:

Well I have been meditating once or twice a day. Mostly guided meditations on YouTube. I plan to keep trying to meditate qd. The concept of connecting with a universal force thru meditation is easier for me than praying to God (although in the end everything is energy so it is two paths to the same result).

I am still having concentration issues at work. My mind is mulling on its own a lot over Step 4. I have been to a new Al Anon meeting during work twice. I have not told RAH although they gave me an Al Anon book and it floats a bit through the house and back to my car. So I am not really hiding it either. I plan to try to go weekly and I do fit better into this group. The second meeting the topic was Step 4. So my HP let me know with some force that I was in the right place. In fact the woman next to me was doing it in a similar way and was pretty overwhelmed. BC of this, I think I am going to wrap up my Step 4 around mid-May. I have enough to work on and journal. Enough flaws to focus on as well. As one person commented, you can always come back and do step 4 again. I have worked on a flaw here and there in my life, so I do have a bit of a tendency to focus on an issue with myself and try to improve it/me. I grasp life has periods of self improvement and transition.

Validation. My T has been hitting this from several angles. I am starting to get it! What really did it oddly enough was him forcing me in a few sessions to relay all the ways I was trying to connect with RAH and getting rebuffed. I am mentally lonely and physically aching from lack of intimacy. I was totally blushing to talk about this with Mr. Therapist. The bad thing was talking about sex made me aware he was male. So now I have transference. A pretty nasty case when you catch yourself looking for a wedding ring. I hope he can use this to my benefit though. I had Initially picked him for DS. Why did I like him? BC I liked how he asked questions and his voice. Also he has evening times and he is close to home! BUT now I see unconsciously I liked him bc he validated me as a parent! I was in those sessions with DS and he totally pointed out all the GOOD things going on - like my relationship with DS. Then we went to him twice for marital counseling. I knew after session 2 we as a couple would not be back and I felt really empty and sad. It was weird. Now I see I had connected to Mr. T. He was validating that my marriage was in trouble and we needed help. Something my spouse denies! In January I went back to him on my own. Since I set up relationships with men where I think I can get them to emotionally open up, now I see him as a conquest. Which is seriously uncomfortable. Hopefully he can work me through this and help me come up with a more normal way to approach relationships. A way without this arrogance. I checked his education and he went to a top school and did some training out of state at another top school, which reassured me. Also I realized my EAP helped me find him for DS and I must have looked at this same information last spring when I selected him for DS. I did remember looking at the picture on that web page but did not recall his education. Transference is not to be fooled with though. He could mess me up for the rest of my life. A small part of me totally would love that self sabotage angle. I go into a relationship wanting to be superior and control the emotional aspects of it - to protect myself. Hence my wall. I've been open with Mr. T and done a lot of work on my own, but now that I see him as a conquest, it is a little freaky to see a part of me try to hook him. So I can "save" him and thereby save myself. And crackers I am seriously intuitive as sure enough he is divorced. When I focus in on someone, they are giving off some kind of signal that I can pick up. And I picked something up besides this validation.

But back to validation. I totally realized I am who I am because of failed validation. I'm not sure why, but I have never felt safe expressing my emotions. When I did manage to speak out or express my emotions, I was told to get control of myself and stuff it. That my feelings were not valid, real, or held truth. Then in school somehow I was the target. It started in preschool! Kindergarten was awful. Then I had a few great years. In fourth grade I went from a friend to everyone to a target again and I had no way to deal with it. It got worse when I transferred to a private school. Thankfully I became more of a floater in high school. But to this day I do not hang with many women and I have very few girl friends. I prefer male company and yet that is deemed threatening to my marriage to have male friends. In early years I was validated in my marriage, but as life got complicated with jobs, kid, etc. my H no longer validated me enough. Then with the addiction taking over I felt like I was getting validated in payment to keep quiet on his alcoholism. Now here we are in early recovery and I don't know if this can be fixed. I do know I will be drawn to pick another emotionally unavailable man, so no hurry to get out of this relationship. Might as well let time pass and keep working my recovery. Maybe my H will respond better as I near amends to him. I rarely apologize so it will have some significance.

Physical Loneliness: I am old enough to have caught the catholic education that self pleasure was a sin. Having a bit of an issue with validation - self validation is not something I do physically! So yesterday I finagled some alone time in the house, dug through a drawer and found some stuff and worked on that issue. Then I watched a few disgusting videos so hopefully I can become a bit more efficient. Totally embarrassing to write this, but I cannot be the only one totally cut off sexually yet realizing I am too moral to have an affair. I am concerned I would "love" any partner I came across so an open marriage is probably not a good idea for me either. Also I do not think I have the guts to ask my H.

Last on validation: Mr. T called me "vibrant." For one brief moment I saw my self through his assessment, and I was a good person. I was really vibrant! I lost it immediately in self criticism. I am ridiculously harsh on myself. But he cracked the door open. Yesterday I talked with my running buddy and she pointed out I was a target - the only target - for RAHs stress about not drinking, new job, every other stress. So although it was not right, I should not judge my self so harshly. She rattled off all the things I have been doing to try to be positive and again for just a moment I Saw ME as she sees me.

Damn. I am vibrant.

CodeJob

Step 4 Update

Tonight I finished writing on flaws. Listed my positive characteristics. Listed out my sexual regrets and started writing them up.

Looked through my fears: one fear that really holds an irrationally high fear level in my psyche is financial insecurity, fear of poverty and fear of homelessness. I think this is the most concerning trio that indicate I always feel a lack - not enough. When I see a homeless lady around my area it makes me worried for her and worried I will one day be in her situation.

CodeJob

Step 4 Update:

I was raised in a tight knit family. We always had relatives over it seems. We were frequently with grandparents and cousins. My mom felt obligated to help raise her youngest sister. This aunt was 6 years older than me. I also had a paternal aunt that was only 4 years older than me. She was always with us too bc her mother (my paternal grandmother) treated her just awful. It was very odd to see how manipulative and hateful BOTH of my grandmothers were towards their children and their spouse. I am unsure if they have a personality disorder or just were bitter with their lives. I was quiet and intuitive. I was reading situations well from a young age to steer clear of their moods.

My mom was codependent and trying her best to deal with a bad situation. She meant well but she was controlling. She forced these aunt/daughters into our own family structure which pushed me out of the eldest slot into a middle child slot. I was told to deal with it. Not be selfish. Let them have whatever they wanted whether it was my favorite snack or toy or play whatever they wanted. And when they wanted to be mean to me, there was not recourse. They weren't my sibs and they were off limits for me to handle internal conflict. They always had the upper hand at my house.

My maternal aunt is NPD. Although I did not know this diagnosis as a child, I knew this person hated me and it was her life goal to consistently make me feel unworthy. One of my first memories of her is her screaming at me and throwing a tantrum bc she wanted my Xmas presents. Hers weren't enough. She wanted mine too and she was screaming that along with, "I don't want her here." Of course we took her on many of our family trips and these experiences were focused on her and her needs. Her view of her talents, looks and abilities are not really in sync with reality. They were used to put me down. She was always intent on manipulating situations to make me feel less than her. At my wedding shower, she gave me a gift and then as I thanked her for it, she announced that it was USED and she got it for FREE as it was a home decor party hostess gift. Everyone heard her and she thought she was successfully insulting me. She was proud of herself for pointing out that I was only worth a used gift of no dollar value. She did not even realize what an idiot she sounded like.

I took the geographic cure since college and maintain this distance to this day. This aunt will not even acknowledge that me, my sister and my mom's 2 grandkids exist. The only contact I get from her is a Peanuts card with a picture of her each Xmas. She just signs her name. I've tried to explain to my mom that my aunt does not want to admit that she has daughters because in her mind, she always wanted to be my parent's only daughter. My mom still hopes to have a "real" sister relationship with this woman.

Lastly my HP sent my sponsor into my orbit in the last month. She has been in Al Anon since I was driving! She sent me a true veteran and it turns out this woman went back to school for counseling as well. I am just trusting this sponsor relationship is going to work out for me to wrap up step 4 strong.

CodeJob

Did a meditation on the throat chakra this am. I realized I spoke the truth in my family and in warped work situations and in my marriage. The truth was not wanted in these situations and I caught a lot of negative reactions. I got shut down. I got put down. I got silent treatment. I got written up. I have paid a great price for truth repeatedly in my life. I could not live with all of the hidden meanings growing up, in cliques, and at work. I am truth. I hide IN the truth because at times I alone would speak the truth.

Now the trouble is sometimes I did not carefully handle the truth and how I outed it could definitely have used some finesse. But I have definitely matured in this over the years.

So being the truth, I texted my mom a few days ago and asked her to read online on NPD in relation to her youngest sister. We talked yesterday and she agreed 100% that my aunt is NPD. She said, "How did you find out about this?" So I just said I had been reading about dual diagnosis and NPD tracks with alcoholism. But here's the thing, my mom took it as I expected she would and realized most of her siblings and her mom probably have PDs. As I matured, I had the restraint to give one clue and not tell her everything I had surmised. So hopefully I have given my mom the info she needs to forgive herself for the lack of true family relations she has mourned all of her life. I will work on the impact of this mess on me.

My paternal side is pending.

But I feel taller and lighter today from this powerful realization. Truth. Not a bad thing to have at your core. I am truly a good person.

Last night I crashed out early from all my mental work from therapy on Wed. I was asleep but my H came upstairs calling me so I was alert that he was coming into the MBR but unable to wake up enough to talk or mumble. So he came in and realized I was asleep, turned off my light and kissed me. How sweet was that?! I fell back asleep wondering about that kiss.

CodeJob

Just a quick note about resentments. I used a list of recommended people, institutions, relatives and crossed out all that I had no problem with. It left a lot of people and institutions, but I started it in the past week. Here's the thing though, there is a difference between holding a resentment and being wary of someone who has skewered you in the past. So several people I wrote down the initial resentment and realized I was really over it. Loving with a bit of care is not the same as living with a huge chip on your shoulder. Also I really have a horrible memory and some people I know I need to be careful with but I could not really give a good historical account of why. Hard to hold resentments when you can't even remember what happened.

So writing up resentments might not take as long as I initially thought. Major yay!

CodeJob

Circles.

I'm on a labyrinth it seems. Talked about my wall last night in counseling. I asked Mr T how to break the wall. He said, "you are not going to like the answer. It is vulnerability."

I did not tell him I discovered the answer last year thanks to my HP. Almost exactly one year ago I read Daring Greatly and cried bc I saw vulnerability is key for me. I carried the book around like a ******** is meant so much to me.

So off to radiate some light today. And think about vulnerability. Meditating for me might actually be helping me connect with my emotions and be more open to expressing them without fear.

When I got home last night I was beyond exhausted. I fell asleep by 9:15 and slept ALL night. I see things connecting. I see positive changes ahead. I see maybe letting go of some fears might be empowering. Things might just fall where they may and that is going to be fine.

CodeJob

Had the most wonderful weekend. Radiated joy and laughed with my college friend and DS. Reset my happiness level and lived outside my wall. Mission accomplished!

When I posted some pics one of my HS friends commented on the town as he recently moved from there. When I commented back, I saw he had friended my first love. Uh oh. He finally joined FB. Big trigger. Especially since I am working on my wall. We went to the same HS and college. Linked in is always suggesting him. My sister knows he is a good way to hurt me and periodically will have news of him to drop out of the sky and thunk me on the head like an Anvil. He is a thorn. MFer is ACOA! But I am working through it this time. The past is over and my fear of abandonment needs to be reviewed and dealt with.

I almost worry I am borderline. That I also built this wall to wall myself in. That I am too reactive and love too much? Well painful as it is, i come from quite a line of crazy people and yes I could be BPD. It dawned on me last night I went on quite a self destructive spree after my first serious relationship imploded. Dated a guy who date raped me - then went out with him a few more times - WTH? Then I hung out with a crazy RA though we didn't date. Then I had a long and strange relationship that I did not trust the man or my feelings for him and when we fought we were ruthless and occasionally physical. We were not good for each other. Not at all. Now I realize he was probably ACOA. So we were triggering on many levels and oh yes it was very gratifying in the bedroom so I guess we were ahead of the term FWB. Self destruction through relationships. Not a wise choice CJ.

And then I picked my H - triple crown. My soulmate of ACOA, A, Codie. Yikes. No wonder we fit so well.

Went to a meeting yesterday and have had some very edifying conversations with my sponsor. I am making a lot of serious headway just talking with her. We are going to work on my wall as well in Step 4.

So my HP I guess wants me to deal with my fear of abandonment. Where did it start and why do I still have it? Why do I wander around with my wall? Can I disassemble it now that I am 44?

CodeJob

Step 4 update:

I do not recommend this approach for A's whatsoever. This codie who is emotionally withdrawn had quite a bit of success by drinking a medium sized margarita then writing about all of her fears while her barriers were DOWN. As I pounded water and wrote in a flurry I pretty much just tried to make sure my handwriting was legible enough that I can review it later. I also wrote up a resentment or two.

CodeJob

Double Whammy Wed.

Meeting & counseling today. I have been praying a novena for a friend of mine. I am terrible at rote prayers. I flub them up. But hopefully my good intention and energy will flow towards her anyway. I have a real disrupt in my Catholic faith. I don't see now a God of judgement and wrath can also be light and love. Oh well. Send the prayers off, day 5.

When I woke up today I was remembering some of my childhood. Some veil lifted. I was an intense kid. I wandered all over town on my own. It is hard to figure was that normal then? I guess my mom was cleaning, laundry, cooking, dealing with my younger sister. I collected all kinds of stuff. I cherished rocks and chestnuts, postage stamps, and coins. Books were tops. Loved to read. Whatever I collected I obsessed over. I remember my mom making my dad beat me when he got home from work. Her eyes would glitter when she was ticked off. I did not like having my mom's eyes. The last time my mom tried to slap me, I blocked her with an arm sweep. We were eye to eye. I glittered back at her pulsing in rage. So being beat was normal back then and I do not remember all of what happened, but I remember there was significance in the last time my mom tried to slap me across the face and I stopped her. Which is odd that one memory is my mom did not beat us she made us wait until dad would get home, but the other clearly indicates she did with regularity.

My DS totally had a melt down at a restaurant several years back. I hauled him into the bathroom to spank him. It wasn't in me to beat this pitiful kid. Instead I just let him sit on the floor and compose himself. I remember telling him. "everyone out there thinks I am spanking you." He looked at me with big teary eyes and pulled himself together all on his own.

So I guess I have made at least one generational improvement. But I still have my moms eyes and I can look at my kid - just look at him - and make him cry. Totally freaky to have mom powers like that. But I am the leader of this pack - dogs, H and kid. Even though I did not want that role, I got it bc my H was an A. Now I am the primary breadwinner. Another flip flop. So I guess I better go to work and see what unfolds today.

JustAYak

Here is why:

ACoA does not only apply to people with addicted parents. It applies to dysfunctional families. The dysfunction can simply be abuse of any kind. It does not have to be alcohol or drug related. I have met a few ACoAs in the rooms (the very few meetings I have been too) that did not have an alcoholic or addicted parent.

CodeJob

Step 4 Update: so my counselor recommended I read up on IFS Theory. Here is a link where I liked the diagram and brief overview explaining it. I can somewhat see this dynamic at work in myself.

Have a good talk with yourself lately? | The Pondering Prophet

Last week he also recommended The Dance of Anger by H. Lerner. I just got a copy last night. I continue to follow the path but I admit I am tiring of this step. Last night as I picked up this book, I was a little resentful. "Another book?!" So my attitude is a bit different now. I am starting to resist and sort of feel like what else? I've already unearthed SO much...

Part of this reaction is I have to start an online course for work. So I know my progress is going to slow to a crawl as I do this 5 week class. I am also planning to take a night course fall semester, so that will start in August. I think I am ready to just focus on other things? I've been reassured by several people I can come back to Step 4. That I can always come back. Part of me is like, "Blech!" But I also see people around me working each step for a month in an annual cycle. Another one working Steps from a focus on the Traditions and previously she did them from the focus of being a mother. So I see the steps can adapt as I change and grow. It does not have to be a one use and discard device. But of course I discount their input bc I am a perfectionist!

I asked my Q about his childhood and he was quite dismissive of physical abuse. He said, "It was the 70's everyone got beat. I got beat with a wooden spoon or a belt." That has always been my feeling too. I was not beat any worse than anyone else around me. He is not very patient with me regarding my reactions and questions as I work this step. He tells me I internalize everything and warp reality. My H and I grew up and have known each other since we were kids, so bringing in his viewpoint is worthwhile at times.

So what would make me do internalize everything and warp reality? My parents controlled me with shame. A lot of shame which I internalized. To this day I am very harsh with myself. Any validation or positive input I discount. Although I realized that I could loosen my perfectionistic expectations and rigidity on others, I overlooked loosening this harsh expectations on me. I am my own worst critic. I never tell myself that I did the best I could. I finished that half marathon and just felt numb. My running partner was crying in joy and I really had no emotional reaction bc I was criticizing myself for how slow I ran! 100% humidity and frankly I should have just been relieved to finish the race standing. I saw a fair amount of runners in the sick bays and puking! Runners who were in much better shape than me. But I was viewing the race from My harsh critic self. I take the harsh view all the time! I discount any positive input or compliments as "they don't just know what I am really like." I discount my talents, my work skills, my parenting, my faith, my marriage, everything.

I also came to realize my fears are all based on a total fear of having to rely on my FOO financially due to the manipulation and obligations I feel are tied to family support. My H and my marriage is a big part of my wall to protect me from their negativity and shenanigans. I know if I left my marriage, I would need some help from them and they would make me feel awful and shame and push me to do what they want... Yuck!

The thing that most crystallized me realizing my own negative self running things is my first love sent me a friend request on FB. I just said a prayer and went with it. I eventually sent him a note. He responded really sweetly. So then I sent an amends. Yup I did it out of order. But I had thought and prayed about it and just went with the timing. He wrote back he was surprised to get an amends, that all of his memories are positive and he owed me an apology for failing me!? So my whole memory of this relationship is negative from my own internal self beating myself up. For YEARS. I felt so overwhelmed. I still haven't worked through all of this revelation.

Driving home the other night I realized I constantly discount my H's love of me to the point he gets mad at me bc "whatever I do is not enough." My H really adores me. He has done a million sweet and over the top things for me over the years, but my critical self did not accept it. Nope. I myself told myself I was not worth it and it had to be a set up or a manipulation or some hidden agenda. So making my amends out of order with this old S.O. Helped me identify I myself and warping my own reality negatively.

So then that makes me wonder, are my FOO memories right? What is "the truth"? And how do I shut up My little B self? Today is what I now term Double Whammy Wed. Meeting and Mr. T session. On Thursday I am working on Step 4 with my sponsor. So more headway looms this week I would imagine. I think I am down to resentments. I've written some up, but there are quite a few to address... Because I am a nasty little taskmaster and my expectations are perfection more than not.

CodeJob

Met with my sponsor tonight. Started reviewing my faults after talking about current events.

It went well. She was very positive and pointed out most of my faults prove I am human. Being a perfectionist, I probably need to hear this.

Very tired.

CodeJob

Step 4 Update:

It is quiet in my head. My harsh self starts up and I just swat her with a broom. But there is a lot of mental dust and debris and I am sitting here at work falling behind and unable to concentrate. I have no idea if it is meds or adult onset ADHD or just working through my life systematically takes a part of my brain away from work capabilities. I am still coming to grips with my latest resentment that I've unfolded. My coursera online class is unstarted at week 3! But to be fair work is nuts, I am running around extra with summer stuff since DS is off and our home computer died and was shipped off to repair under warranty. Hard to do an online database class with no home computer... I guess it was not meant for me to take that class at this moment.

In the above post I mention realizing how much my H loved me. I was too hurt to write about the outcome of that night. I went home and the kid was out of the house. So I was flirty and asked to spend time with him and tried to cuddle with him. Let's just say I got 110% rejected. In a snit I went upstairs to bed.

On Father's Day I got rejected. Also on 6/16 I was feisty and was rejected, but at least it was done with humor so I didn't really mind. Also a few weeks ago when I got rejected (again) my H said, "We just did it on Friday!" Which made me LAUGH bc it sounds like a tired cliche that usually the woman would speak. Sigh.

On 6/16 I was at a bar for dinner with 2 other women. A guy came in and was checking us out. I heard the waitress shake her head and say, "Absolutely not but at least there's something different to look at besides us" (meaning her and the female bartender). The place was dead which is why I could hear this conversation. In the past I would have been oblivious to this as I was so focused on my little world with H and DS. But maybe there is a future out there for me if I depart.

I don't know what I am going to do. I am lonely and get no physical affection at home. It's not like if I left my marriage that those two things would instantly be fixed. I know I would work on me and not look for another relationship immediately. I've really done my part. I've supported my RAH through rehab and early recovery. I've begged for marital counseling. I've tried to open communication on our relationship, the past, the future and our intimacy. I have not particularly succeeded in any of that. I've committed to my own recovery and I am coming to the end of Step 4 and somewhat moving into Step 5. I've promised myself when I make my amends to my H, I will know what to do. My sponsor agrees. She is very positive towards my H and many of the good things he does. I've also learned a lot about ACOA which impacts both of us and each time I uncover something about me, I can see it somewhat at play in a slightly different way with RAH. It does make me slightly kinder.

My H does do a lot of good things. He helps cook and clean. He is busy maintaining cars and the house and the lawn. He is sober. He goes to church and prays at least twice a day that I see with AA/religious materials. He works full time. He is a good man. But I am not particularly sure he is my man any longer. But I like our life together. I like our house and our dogs and our kid under one roof. I like him. He knows me which saves a lot of drama. I guess that decision will be made when it is made. Today is not that day.

So communicating with the first love I realized that he accurately identified a sense of failing me and not knowing what to do. It dawned on me that I had thought I was following some sort of script on how to behave as put down by my culture. When I truly felt that I loved this young man, I committed myself to him fully and put the lovely American success dream into place in my head. So when he broke up with me, on some level I was OK with not being stuck with someone who no longer loved me, but I took it as God failing me. WTH I had done everything right (well, overlooking the premarital sex, but he WAS supposed to MARRY me....ha ha ha!). And THEN I went on a self destructive streak with various men to bait GOD to save me from myself. He did not by the way. And I am seriously at a loss about my male Roman Catholic God and my HP who is not that at all. I am mad at God. I have resentments at God. God who I was not even sure I believed in! But to be mad at God your sort of have to BELIEVE. And it really came to a head when first love dumped me bc he did not follow the script. THEN he did have the American Success life with some other woman - which somewhat burns my Type A perfectionist self. I sometimes think, "Is that my doppelganger?" I have a perfectly just fine life, but I still sometimes feel, "Is this my life?"

I know being with first love is not my life. I don't want to go back. I look at his photo and I realize he is a stranger. He is not the 18-19 yo kid I was madly in love with. It is just that the end of that relationship put me off the rails a bit and it does feel like I've been scraping along not fully connected ever since. It was not the relationship itself causing this rift - it was my breach with God.

So I am not sure how to reconcile the Roman Catholic God who I am ticked at because he did not hold me in the palm of his hand with my Universal Mother HP who just pats me on the shoulder and looks peaceful. I guess I am going to ask Mr. T tonight.

So this is a core resentment that bleeds into all of my resentments. Which means I think I am done once I work this out I anticipate MANY of the others either will somehow be connected to this anger at God or will be released because it was misdirected anger which should have been put towards healing this relationship with God.

I am also about half way through Dance of Anger. This book is very useful to me. Thus far I have figured out that I am easy going and OK letting others take the lead if that is important to them. However if I think they are wrong about something or immoral, I will speak up. I expect to be HEARD bc I only speak up when it is important. I expect no further action required on my part. You are supposed to fix it on your own. If you ignore my warning and do nothing, I am going to get pissed but internalize it. I will avoid conflict so if someone blows me off I have no good plan of how to proceed. So the book does address pushing through the pushback one gets when you are effecting a change in a relationship. It is very helpful.

So I am bird-dogging this Step 4. I plan to review my writing in the next few days and see if my feeling that the God resentment will cover most of them is accurate. Then I am going to try to set up another sponsor meeting to keep reviewing earlier parts of my Step 4. Finish Dance of Anger. As for the God resentment, I am going to just reflect on it. It's identified. It does not have to be resolved today - in fact this may help me grow my relationship with my HP in future steps.

CodeJob

It is very clear to me after my therapy session and a few emails with him that I am clearly now mixing Step 5 and Step 4. I have been organically admitting and discussing things with others as I uncover them. Here on SR, with my family and a few close friends, with RAH, on FB, with DS, with Mr. T and my sponsor. Unearthing the God resentment explains why meditation has been the most comfortable way for me to communicate with my HP thus far. Step 5 will help me realign my communication with the God of my understanding I think.

So I am going to wrap up Step 4 work and move into Step 5 on July 1.