irisgardens

i do not set boundaries well and let people have everything they want and throw me away

i blame myself for everything that goes wrong...and go down for the count

i try to fix things that are out of my control

i am stubborn

i try too hard to get people i love to love and like me

i try too hard period

i do not let go easily and remember everything unless i work on letting go

i have trouble having fun

i take things too seriously

i don't give up when in a crisis and then get exhausted afterwards

i believe the negative things people say about me too easily and lash out when i perceive that i am criticized...which is often just my perception

i feel invisible and like i don't matter and then build up resentments that don't help me

i crave approval and being recognized

constantly get triggered when under too much pressure; always under too much pressure

irisgardens

have been posting, thinking, meditating and reading my literature...doing meetings...think that have simplified the thinking down to 2-3 major issues in my inventory--

1. I am resentful with husband for not having been a provider or contributor to family finances for so long--can't quite remember...because i was in denial too (we always looked to the 'next' construction job to get better but having gone through the construction downturn, lost almost everything including what appears to be family unity, and also having hit bottom in my codependency and not able to work (which has been my 'go to' all my life--doing the hard work that needed doing)--I am resentful and having a hard time releasing that resentment.

2. I am afraid of being abandoned by my immediate family (including husband) as we have limited resources and I am out of ideas...after all, it happened with my family of origin.

3. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to be who I was born to be anymore...the years of crisis and lack of significant support (all reluctant and forced--or paid for by me) during the hard times...by FOO and now appears to be true with immediate family and I feel so isolated...and I am afraid I won't make it.

These 3 things are things that I am willing to turn over to my HP...(I call God) and I know I need help so working hard to get the help I can from where I can. The doctors say that I have hit a codependency bottom...but all I feel is the hopelessness of wondering how to get out of this 'one' and where I can find support (SR has been wonderful in this along with a few other places)...and also just powerless over what is going on...and realizing that it no longer matters to me 'why' but just saying to my HP daily...'help me, help me, help me'.

I believe that I will feel better after the holidays...but for the rest...I am doing the maximum recommended by doctors...and just letting it be what it is so that my brain can get some rest and not feel as if it is pushing through the cranium...if I could have solved things...it would have happened already.

I am ready for God to help me with these defects and to help me deal with them...based on what is needed rather than what I believe will lead towards my deepest longing in life...from childhood...a loving and unified family...and as I am the one working my recovery...I am just asking God to show me the way and to give me the power to do what needs to be done...slow by slow and small by small...as I somehow let myself go completely down again.

Dear Lord...as I pray the serenity prayer...know that I am as honest as possible here...and as overwhelming as it is to admit these character defects...I know that I can go no further unless I surrender to your will and your ability to get me through this place in life where it seems as if all the building blocks that I worked at over the course of my life were built on sand and not on the solid rock of my faith...I know that this is not true...there are bound to be some good things in all of the rubble and some things that need to go away...but I can't distinguish right now...so I turn it all over and continue to work n new behaviors that might work better than what it seems as if my crisis triggered behaviors of the past have worked. Please show me mercy and kindness and help me to focus on the important things and priorities instead of those things and people and places I have no control over.

Just for today...I know what I can show up to, I know that I can smile sometimes, that I can go to my naranon meeting and that I can listen to my family without expressing major opinions or advice or memories or stories (my stories) of the past...and that I can tell them I love them and hug them without needing to have a reason or to explain it. I can accept (to some extent) their choices...and I can continue working on myself to get healthir and to practice the behaviors that you would have me do but that which I need to relearn or re-invent or learn new...by using the tools of my program until such time as I receive direction and power to execute...keeping it small and focused on daily life...and letting myself be less than perfect as I also extend that to others...and trusting in your perfection and overarching perfection and understanding. Amen.