CodeJob's Reality is Skewed - Step 5
 

I'm feeling a bit smug and elite to check in here. Which for some people could be bad, but honestly I need a little more self-:a122:.

My Step 4 is linked: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-bracelet.html

For a time I was clearly blending Step 4 and 5. My sponsor is a gift from my HP and I trust her to speak with her about my faults and resentments and reviewing my Step 4 issues. We have already met once and it went really well and I felt very comfortable with her. I don't particularly hide from my faults. In fact my problem is I tend to see the world very negatively and heap caustic blame on myself that perhaps is not mine or entirely overblown. My counselor & my sponsor have helped me recognize this more fully than I have previously.

I imagine Step 5 is just letting go. Letting go of my fear of vulnerability. Letting me be me. Expressing how I honestly feel. Shaking my head and allowing myself to be imperfect. Deepening my trust in my HP and allowing her to lead. Some of this I have already started... Some of this is pretty personal and might not get written about here, but I wanted to make myself accountable & continue leaving a bread crumb for others. It is worth the journey through Step 4.

Step 5 Update: I've been journaling on the questions available here on SR regarding Step 5. Many of them are just not an issue. I am ready to move forward and it shows.

I have been working on living without my wall. So far it is not too bad. But the state of the world is very frightening to me. It really upsets me but I don't particularly think not being aware is a good approach either

Most of all, I am feeling pretty emotionally level - which I am pretty grateful for after all the digging I did on Step 4. I am thinking about widening out my counseling visits. I am thinking about coming off the meds too.

Step 5 Update -

I read a book over the weekend - Struggle for Intimacy. It was a quick evening read and I just highlighted what rang true for me. Then I gave it to my H without a word. I have almost finished The Dance of Anger finally too. I am in the last chapter. This book is very impactful for me and it took me a long time to slowly read it more like a textbook.

Last week I did meet with my sponsor. We agreed that my Step 4 and Step 5 were very blended. We regularly met and talked about my discoveries, so I shared things as I unearthed them. We spoke of big picture issues this past week and used recent events to highlight how I have changed. I have changed a lot - for the better and for the calmer.

Yeah I'm bad with the self-judging too... its amazing how important self-care is, the effects of codependency are so pervasive. I'm working thru my 4th step writing using the Blueprint book. Just last week I started realizing how passive-aggressive I've been for so long.

I really do need to do a deeper sit-down w/ my sponsor, probably once the beach season is over- he has a house down there he's gone every weekend... So we touch base by phone and I run stuff past him at least. Got his marching orders though wrt his preferred statute of limitations for a 10th step vs something that will show up as a formal 9th- cool.

I'm starting to wonder how normies can survive in this world... is it like babes in the woods or is it just me susceptible to every bit of crazy that drifts thru my brain lol

Step 5 Update: Still here. I have had a lot of long talks with my sponsor about current situations and what I think about them in light of my calmer approach. I continue to struggle with intimacy and loneliness in my marriage. I think a lot of my frustration with this is it was a struggle much of the marriage as alcohol was always there.

What I want may very well not be something that my RAH can give or grow to be capable of. I see that I pushed him and molded him and just assumed that he would want to accept change, grow and become amazing just as I envisioned. Oops. That was way beyond my marriage vows. Backing off is painful and at times when he asks me to commiserate, I have to be very short because it is too tempting to launch into fixing and telling.

Surprisingly my RAH came with me to my Mr. T session after Mr. T asked him. I am trying to be open to letting this process flow as it will, but it was a painful 50 minutes for me as my expectations, distorted thinking and depressive nature all were dragged out as if they are all not things I have addressed in the last 8 months. It seriously ticked me off, but I talked to my sponsor and emailed a brief exchange with Mr. T and now I am just letting it go. No appt now until 9/10. My prayer is that RAH will continue to come for work on our marriage and perhaps determine for himself to work on him.

I am departing for 6 days away with my running buddy in a week. Very excited to accomplish this endeavor that was on my bucket list. We have another half scheduled in October locally. I am also taking a night class for fun for fall semester. That starts next week. It is clear that although my RAH says he supports me, he does not like me being gone and being busy. I do not really rise to the bait he sets for that old argument. I do tend to overdo things, so I watch my pace and never take classes back to back.

I did stop my antidepressants and I am feeling pretty clearheaded and no ill effects. It has been a week. I am also meditating two-three times a day. I have noticed I am improving. I am not always falling asleep now and at times I actually keep the mantra going!!

Nice! I think its wonderful to be off the antidepressants but it does sound like you're being mindful of the potentials.

Isn't it funny how all the old bad behaviors are so easily triggered? All the healing and spade work to learn and grow seems to fly out the window in a moment and the bad old stuff just explodes out. I think of that kind of thing as a codie relapse... if so there must be slips (which I recognizably have too). I guess the recovering codie picks up the pieces right away, does the 10-th stepping and moves on.

Good work w/ the meditation.. you know theres the old joke that meditation doesn't count if they catch you snoring lolz...

Wondering about the future of the marriage is a big crazy-train trigger for me; so hard to redirect the mind once its starts in on that topic. My sponsor has me journalling thoughts etc.. I was just writing about it last night. The question of the future of a marriage seems very much applicable to the steps 1-3.. my problem is leaving it with the higher power.. my codie brain will keep trying to mind RAW and how "if she would only.. blah blah"- I guess in part I've made a big habit of it for so long it will take some time and effort to retrain, and I guess the old habits will always be a trap.

So I did have another Step 5 meeting with my sponsor prior to my Labor Day weekend trip. She had me beat on her guest bed with a foam bat as she peppered me with questions about people who she knows I have reviewed in my Step 4. It felt contrived at first, but I did let out some emotions and it was an interesting intervention for me.

I am not really sure where I am in the steps. I might be done with 5. I will need to catch up with my sponsor and ask her what she thinks. I have meant to review my step 4 writings and determine if there were things we have not discussed, but honestly I don't even want to revisit that stuff! I am more than ready for 6 & 7. But I will let her gauge where I'm at.

I've been off my antidepressants a month now and am still feeling good. I am thankful for this as I was worried I was going to be stuck on it long term.

I am moving on to step 6. It has been a good run on Step 5.