Spes

If we were inclined to think back to the wrong we did to the alcoholic and others before we embraced the Al Anon program, we could take comfort from all we were learning about acceptance, detachment, understanding—and how to love without demanding conformity from others. This armory of personal improvements gave us the strength we needed to make amends, not only to the living, but to the departed, by being kind to others and forgiving of ourselves. The wisdom and confidence we gained from our study of Al Anon principles helped us avoid repeating our past mistakes. That, in itself, was a kind of amending for past wrongs.

Have I resisted making a list? If so, WHY?

No. I don't remember where I heard it but someone once told me: "It's more important to be kind than to be right" I've spent a lifetime trying to get away from my need for control. Arriving here at Step 7 and learning to let go and give it all to God means having an understanding of past mistakes.

Did I use my Fourth Step as a tool in preparing my list? How?

Yes....I wouldn't know who I have harmed if I didn't know me first. My moral inventory pointing me in the right direction shows the wrong direction I was in.

Did I consult with my sponsor or others in Al Anon on how they made their list? What suggestions did they make? How can I learn from them?

I just got very honest with myself and God

Am I willing to make amends? If no, why not? If yes, am I willing to write about my experience?

Yes and yes

How have I used rationalization or justification to block me from being willing?

No

Do I understand that willingness is different than making the actual amends? Describe the differences.

I am willing because I can see it and I can admit it and I can write it. Contacting people in my past that I have wronged may help me but it may further harm them.

Have I considered praying for the willingness to become willing? How patient am I in allowing myself to grow into the willingness for making difficult amends?

I pray every day. Letting go has been such a powerful force. It's like watching the sun rise and smiling. It's like discovering the laughter of children. It's like re-discovering that sense of wondernment we all had as a child that was snuffed out by our adult arrogance.

How willing am I to be completely honest?

Very willing. I want to stand above that hole of despair I have been in for so long and fill it up with dirt and plant a beautiful tree on it and watch it grow.

Spes

Nowhere does this Step say that we listed the harm others have done to us. Although we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior, it is not our job to pass judgment upon what others do or to punish anyone for their wrongs. Our job is to concentrate on our part in our conflicts with others and what we have done to cause harm.

I've given this part of step 8 a lot of thought. I have caused people a lot of grief in my past and I did it regardless of what they said to me. What seems logical to me today certainly didn't look that way in my past.

Which people on my list am I willing to contact first? Why?

Prior spouses because I did them the most harm

Have I included myself on my list? Why or why not?

Yes....because in harming others I was also harming myself.

How does the God of my understanding play a role in this Step?

I understand that God has already forgiven me so who am I to hold a grudge....either to others or to myself.

Can I share with my group my thoughts, feelings and challenges with this Step?

I don't have a group but if asked, I would share.

How can I encourage those I sponsor to begin working this Step based on my own personal experiences?

I've given this a lot of thought. When I finish this step study and dug myself out of this hole with the help of friends at SR, I need to walk the walk for others where I live. I'm working on this part.

As I work Step Eight, how do I envision it helping me in my relationship with the alcoholics in my life? My co-workers or friends? My extended family?

It makes me more empathetic. It makes me a better person to my wife, friends, and family. It rids me of the need for control. I become a cheerleader rather than the boss.

In reviewing my list, is there a pattern reflecting new defects in my character? Can I see how those defects harmed those on my list? Is this a pattern I identified in working Steps Five and Six?

Yes....the need for control was not the path I should have taken.

Do I recognize when my minding someone else’s business may have harmed them or others? Am I willing to recognize the need for my amends?

Oh yes....I did not allow them the freedom of living their hopes and dreams because they were to busy trying to live mine.

I am who I am because of my past but I cannot use my past as an excuse for bad behaviour and I certainly cannot inflict it on someone else just because of my past. There is a quote: "Ignorance is Bliss" That is not true....ignorance results in pain, both for others and for myself. With learning and knowledge I can change how I perceived the past and quit looking back to it. I can make amends to those I have harmed and begin looking forward with the knowledge learned here.

I may not be able to make direct amends to those that I harmed because the contact itself may be harmful to them. I certainly cannot harm them just to cleanse my soul today; that would be just as wrong today as the wrongs I did in the past. I think the greatest way to correct a wrong is to recognize that I harmed others and do all I can to never harm others again.

Spes

Sometimes people’s suffering is of their own making. Sometimes pain is just a part of life. And sometimes we contribute to the problem. Step Eight provides an opportunity to learn the difference between what is and is not our responsibility and to take a more realistic look at the effects of our actions.

When I spend a lifetime fixing others for work; it's hard to realize that fixing others at home was not the right thing to do....it harmed them. It comes down to the same idea: I see her suffering, struggling to stay sober, and I have compassion for my own struggle as well. My self-pity and resentment are gone.