Astonefox

Basically, I'm writing an old friend who moved across country to apologize for not attending her wedding.

My sponsor says I must say why I did not attend. The reason was I was holding old resentments against her for racist, hurtful comments she made to me.

Do I say I was offended by the comments and pulled away instead of discussing them with her? Is that bringing up her part?

fini

Astonefox,

if you stick to your responsibility and reaction and action, you'll be fine.
it's very different to say: "you did this and that and made those comments and so i...." vs "i didn't know how to have an honest conversation...and i was full of resentment and...and i was afraid that...and i took the easier way...and my fear...and i ran instead of...and my selfish decision to..." or whatever the reason was.

it's not about whether her comments offended, but about what you did/didn't do when you experienced being offended.

fini

so much depends on context, which i don't have.
if at the time you made an honest decision that you did not wish to be in relationship with a person who is a racist, that's more than legitimate. that this may have "hurt her feelings" is one thing, but not the same as you causing harm.
if, on the other hand, you were deliberately being spiteful out of resentment, that is a different story.

amends aren't apologies, but taking responsibility for our part and setting things right, if possible.

tomsteve

what fini said.
my sponsor taught me that to be effective, i own MY part AND explain how i should have responded.

sugarbear1

What did you learn about you regarding this resentment in your 4th and 5th steps? Start here and discuss with your sponsor.....

Astonefox

So I still have to mention her part before going into the honest conversation part.


Thank you. This is very, very helpful.


Again. Thank you. This is very, very helpful.

I learned that I don't speak up for myself, silently simmer/scorn and dump/avoid them.

fini

So I still have to mention her part before going into the honest conversation part.

no, i didn't mean that whatsoever.

stick to your part. that's the pertinent part as far as amends and taking responsibility.

it's very different to say: "you did this and that and made those comments and so i...." vs "i didn't know how to have an honest conversation...and i was full of resentment and...and i was afraid that...and i took the easier way...and my fear...and i ran instead of...and my selfish decision to..." or whatever the reason was.
vs = "as opposed to"

Gottalife

Am I missimg something or is there more than one event here? What brought on the racist and hurtful comments? Did they come out of the blue or were they a reaction to something you said or did prior to that? If you had a part there, maybe that is where to start.

Something like when you got mad at me for that thing I did, I got mad too and retaliated by not coming to your wedding. I see now I was wrong to do that. I upset you in the first place and then just, made matters worse when I should have been there for your special day. Something like that.

I am writing to ask your forgiveness, and also to ask if there is anything I can do to make things right between us.

The big book also suggests that an amends shoud start with an explanation of why you are writing in the first place.

For me, at each amends, I explained that I had discovered I had a major life threatening condition, alcoholism, which had been at the root of my bad behaviour. In order to recover, I needed to do my utmost to straighten out the past and put right any wrongs as best I could, and this was a matter of life and death for me. If I failed to do this, I may not overcome drinking.

Tommyh

looks like to me you need to make sure you take care of those resentments first

just because you did not go to her wedding ,don`t mean you harmed her and need to make amends,get over the resentment and forget it

Astonefox

The comments came from events that were going on in the media at the time. Thank you for your comment. I will re-read the big book on step 9.


I'm over my resentments regarding her. My sponsor is directing me to make this amends. I agree, she may not have even been hurt by it. I have it on my step 4, the racists comments and from that of course I'm dealing with it on step 9.

NoelleR

Some things are just plain unacceptable. I guess I'll be a 'minority of one' here and say.........if a friend of mine made racist comments, they'd be on my @#$%^ list. Forget about not going to their wedding; they would be persona non grata in my life....NC and I'd owe them nada, and if my sponsor suggested that I did, I'd probably get a new sponsor.

This would never have happened with me and my sponsor. I was West Coast Left Wing, Anti War, pro Berkeley and Black Panthers, etc., etc., etc., and my sponsor was liberal, left wing at Ole Miss who marched and provided protection for James Meredith on his walks to class.

(o:

fini

i don't understand, Noelle; you can still have harmed a person who's now persona non grata in your life, and them being a racist or anything else doesn't negate a harm you/i may have done them.

that would be...concentrating on their part instead of looking at our own.

which is why i wondered about context. if i were to knock a racist to the ground or stab one, i'd still be responsible for my part.

not saying a harm was or wasn't done in the OP situation, just wanting clarity on your statements.

Gottalife

Thanks for the different angle Noelle R. Not a minority of one view at all. It is perfectly conceivable, in fact ineveitable, that we will meet people on our journey whose attitudes are not compatible with ours, or no longer compatible with our new outlook. In plain English, maybe in the past we liked them but now we don't. It happens all the time. When we don't like someone, we are perfectly wthing our rights not to go to their wedding, not to spend time with them at all.

I can think of quite a few people like that. I don't resent them, I just have better things to do.

August252015

Agreed. In an important amends I made, I actually wrote out "I cannot ascribe intent or emotions to you" as part of what I was referring to in our relationship. You own YOUR part; you let the other person's be (you cannot know her feelings and motives, for example). Like in a meeting, couch it in YOUR perspective only.

Astonefox

The way I've been taught is that a 9th step amends is not an apology. I am looking at what I did and clearing anything away that would make me feel shame or unclean so I won't eat, drink or use over it. I'm doing it for ME not HER. I'm looking at my part only.

I'm the one who was unable to have a conversation or confrontation about it. I'm the one that stayed friends with her. I'm the one that started resenting her and did messed up things to her because of my anger and inability to handle the situation like an adult. So I am clearing up the wreckage of my past. Two wrongs don't make a right. but it is not about her. Btw, I am still west coast progressive, anti-war, black panther, feminist, intellectual, revolutionary activist.

To be clear, I am only doing this to be free. I feel it's the best gift I can give to me an my people.

Astonefox

I made this amends today! It went very well. On to the next one. Thanks to everyone for the help.

fini

kittycat3

Glad this went well astonefox. I know this post is several months old but I do find your comments interesting, specifically that amends are about the alcoholic and not the person harmed (is that right?). My sponsor has taught me pretty much the opposite of that. This is why the clause about “unless when to do so would cause harm...”. It’s an attempt to take responsibility for your part and I think yes, to apologize for the harms caused. It’s not to grovel or beg for forgiveness, but to keep our side of the street clean, so to speak. By doing so we as alcoholics do reap the benefit, but the primary reason is not for our benefit, but that hopefully that the other person is able to say what they need to say, & to begin the healing process from the harms we have caused.

Best of luck to you on your amends, I just started this process myself!