Amends to Self, God, and Abusers I am dumbfounded by why and how to make amends to myself, to God, and to people who abused me. Please shed some light on this. Please don't suggest I call my sponsor. She's going through a stressful time right now and I'd to give her some space. |
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
(Post 5655787)
I am dumbfounded by why and how to make amends to myself, to God, and to people who abused me. Please shed some light on this. Please don't suggest I call my sponsor. She's going through a stressful time right now and I'd to give her some space. |
Edit: maybe not so much an abuser, but someone who was verbally abusive and a bully (and still is). |
We forgive ourselves by staying stopped. We forgive others by knowing we can not control them and that they have their own journey in life. We forgive by forgiving and letting go of the hurt. pp 66-67 has a prayer for others..... |
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
(Post 5656475)
We forgive ourselves by staying stopped. We forgive others by knowing we can not control them and that they have their own journey in life. We forgive by forgiving and letting go of the hurt. pp 66-67 has a prayer for others..... I'm not sure I understand how to make a direct amends to an abusive person while protecting myself from their abusive behavior. I'm assuming I make amends to God by treating myself and others with love, forgiveness, and kindness, as we are all God's children? |
I can`t help but feel like amends to an active abuser will be wasted effort on everyone but I may be wrong. At the least,it would be difficult except when to do so would injure them or others you are included in "others" if I am there to try to sweep off my side of the street,it would be bad to get abused by them to the point of spiritual or emotional injury to myself just a few thoughts.... |
I have to say I disagree with Tommy above. I don't know anywhere in the AA program where it even remotely suggests we can count ourselves as "others" if we will be hurt by an amends. Quite the opposite. I have heard that that is an NA position. My thoughts on this are firstly that each amends needs to be discussed with your sponsor and a plan made. Your sponsor should be the last person you see before you go and make amends, and the first person you see afterwards. Amends are fraught with risks and great care needs to be taken. In the case you describe above, making amends to a very sick person, the part of the step that may be applicable might be " wherever possible". Remembering that amends is the restorative justice part of the AA program, and our amends is about making the other person feel better, to heal old hurts etc, (it is not about making ourselves feel better) it may be that an effective amends is not possible at the moment with this person. Only you and your sponsor would be in a position to know. |
yes. don't drink, no matter what! I kinda lost my self loathing while working those steps and by working with my sponsor. I worked those steps at 2 weeks, 4, 8, and 18 months of sobriety, each with it's own spiritual awakening....and more learning about self. My sponsor stresses being useful to others regularly and consistently..... :) We keep our side of the street "clean" by making amends and we treat those who are ill as ill people. What others think of me is none of my business and what they say or do is on them, not me. I don't take things personally as much anymore (I'm a work in progress). I don't know what your situation is, but maybe work with your sponsor and your network for this situation. |
Amends to self? The result of working the steps is about the best amends I could hope for:) " He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline." |
Originally Posted by Gottalife
(Post 5659679)
...My thoughts on this are firstly that each amends needs to be discussed with your sponsor and a plan made. Your sponsor should be the last person you see before you go and make amends, and the first person you see afterwards. Amends are fraught with risks and great care needs to be taken. Earlier this year at a speaker meeting a fellow went on about contacting his brother/sister who had made it clear they wanted nothing to do with him. It was all rather sad. He tried getting in touch and it went bad. He was really down about it. And I`m thinking who told you to contact them vie Facebook. Or the guy who was engaged to get married but still have a roving eye for the ladies. He was going to do a fourth/fifth step on this dilemma and everyone in the room nods in agreement. And I`m thinking ... you might want to consider postponing the wedding before you do anything else.. The rooms of AA are filled with well meaning members/sponsers but ultimately you`ve got to make your own decisions. |
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
(Post 5659752)
...My sponsor stresses being useful to others regularly and consistently.... |
Originally Posted by Tommyh
(Post 5659524)
I can`t help but feel like amends to an active abuser will be wasted effort on everyone but I may be wrong. At the least,it would be difficult except when to do so would injure them or others you are included in "others" if I am there to try to sweep off my side of the street,it would be bad to get abused by them to the point of spiritual or emotional injury to myself just a few thoughts.... Interesting take on the word "others" but if it works for the OP it`s all good. |
Originally Posted by Tommyh
(Post 5659524)
I can`t help but feel like amends to an active abuser will be wasted effort on everyone but I may be wrong. At the least,it would be difficult except when to do so would injure them or others you are included in "others" if I am there to try to sweep off my side of the street,it would be bad to get abused by them to the point of spiritual or emotional injury to myself just a few thoughts.... |
LiveInPeace - I found that when I was uncertain about some of the things you've posed, I simply paused and just let time go by. God will reveal the answers to us - I don't react to what flesh tells me to do once I've asked God for guidance. I wait for His answers, which may come today, tomorrow or 20 years from now - if ever. As long as I am willing, that's the key I have found. Glad you're here with us, you bring tremendous spirit to our corner of recovery - thank you |
Originally Posted by Gottalife
(Post 5659679)
I have to say I disagree with Tommy above. I don't know anywhere in the AA program where it even remotely suggests we can count ourselves as "others" if we will be hurt by an amends. Quite the opposite. I have heard that that is an NA position. My thoughts on this are firstly that each amends needs to be discussed with your sponsor and a plan made. Your sponsor should be the last person you see before you go and make amends, and the first person you see afterwards. Amends are fraught with risks and great care needs to be taken. What kind of risks are amends fraught with? What is the "great care" that needs to be taken? I am grateful for my program, but I sure wish there was more guidance like this. In the case you describe above, making amends to a very sick person, the part of the step that may be applicable might be " wherever possible". Remembering that amends is the restorative justice part of the AA program, and our amends is about making the other person feel better, to heal old hurts etc, (it is not about making ourselves feel better) it may be that an effective amends is not possible at the moment with this person. Only you and your sponsor would be in a position to know. I had a parent who used to rage at me when I was child (and I am not using that term lightly or exaggerating) and then after she calmed down, or after I ran out of the house and came back, would coldly and harshly make me apologize to her for it. It was f*cked up. I just don't want an amends to be like that, and I fear it would be. |
[QUOTE=sugarbear1;5659752]yes. don't drink, no matter what! I kinda lost my self loathing while working those steps and by working with my sponsor. I worked those steps at 2 weeks, 4, 8, and 18 months of sobriety, each with it's own spiritual awakening....and more learning about self. My sponsor stresses being useful to others regularly and consistently..... :) We keep our side of the street "clean" by making amends and we treat those who are ill as ill people. What others think of me is none of my business and what they say or do is on them, not me. I don't take things personally as much anymore (I'm a work in progress). I don't know what your situation is, but maybe work with your sponsor and your network for this situation. |
Originally Posted by Gottalife
(Post 5660210)
Amends to self? The result of working the steps is about the best amends I could hope for:) " He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline." |
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
(Post 5660270)
However, a sponsor might not be adequately qualified to give advise on certain sensitive issues. Ultimately, it is the sponsee who needs to make the final decision. In this instance I would recommend the OP get feedback from others before making any decision. Earlier this year at a speaker meeting a fellow went on about contacting his brother/sister who had made it clear they wanted nothing to do with him. It was all rather sad. He tried getting in touch and it went bad. He was really down about it. And I`m thinking who told you to contact them vie Facebook. The rooms of AA are filled with well meaning members/sponsers but ultimately you`ve got to make your own decisions. Thanks for your post. :tyou |
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
(Post 5660280)
Good advise as long as I don`t use it (helping others) to avoid addressing my own issues. |
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
(Post 5660285)
Interesting take on the word "others" but if it works for the OP it`s all good. |
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