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-   -   Making Amends to an Emotional Affair (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-9/262083-making-amends-emotional-affair.html)

sobertiger1 07-10-2012 10:15 AM

Making Amends to an Emotional Affair
 
I am in the process of working step 9 and had a question on who I should make amends to. I had an emotional affair with someone (it never became physical) during my time drinking. I know that I used this person and treated him badly during that time and through my recovery. I used him for support and to fill emotional needs, but gave very little in return. Ultimately I completely cut off contact with this person to work on my marriage and my recovery. Despite his pleas to me for answers of why I ended all contact without a word, I would never respond. I know I hurt him deeply. My question is this: I am trying to do the right thing with my marriage and so I cut all communications with him. But I also know I caused him a great deal of pain and anguish by my actions. So do I reach out to this person and make my amends in person or do I continue on my course of no contact with this person. I still have very strong feelings for him and care for him very much, but I am trying to do the right thing for my family and my marriage.

Any advice is appreciated.

laurie6781 07-10-2012 11:21 AM

What does your sponsor say?

Only you can decide. Hell some of my 'amends' from my 1st 4th and 5th step took me 20 years to make. Why? well .................... some of them I could not find, some of them I procrastinated on (because they were emotional and/or physical affairs).

This is something you would do well with in discussing with your sponsor, your husband and HP as to where and when.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sobertiger1 07-10-2012 12:15 PM

Thanks, but this is not something I can discuss with my husband, as he does not know about it. He knew this person and I were friends, but he did not know how far the friendship developed, how strong the feelings were, all the flirting, texting, fooling around or how close we came to doing it. This is one of those things I will spare my husband the details of in my amends to him.

wow04 07-10-2012 12:24 PM

Is your husband your sponsor?

sobertiger1 07-10-2012 12:37 PM

No, my husband is not my sponsor, but the prior noter said I should discuss with my sponsor and my husband. I'm saying I can not discuss with my husband since he doesn't know.

tomsteve 07-10-2012 12:42 PM

what does your sponsor and the BB tell us to do?

shaun00 07-10-2012 05:57 PM


I still have very strong feelings for him
..

Then i would suggest most definitely not .

Obviously dont remove from your list,..... and have this out on the table with your sponsor.

Its real thin ice to go bounding into amends without bouncing this stuff off a sponsor.....as Laurie has said......sometimes amends take a long time to be the right time.....

Mark75 07-10-2012 07:52 PM

No reason to make amends to your husband as that may cause him harm. It's clear you already know and accept this.

As Laurie implied... no hurry here, well, unless it's threatening your sobriety. But maybe a good 5th step on this and some work in 6 and 7 can help. It occurs to me that it may be your feelings for him... that makes you want to make amends. Sort those out first.... Examine your motives.

Welcome to SR!!

RevivingOphelia 07-10-2012 07:57 PM

Leave it be.

Retread59 07-10-2012 08:08 PM

I agree with Mark. I have a similar situation and was lucky enough that by the time I decided to end it I was in the middle of my sixth and seventh step. I apologized to him for involving him in my problems with alcohol when I corresponded to break it off. Neither my sponsor nor I believe I have to make any additional amends to him.

I know in my heart that any thoughts I might have about contacting him again would be coming from the wrong place. Not to say that's what you would be doing-- only you know that-- but it's a place where I think you really do have to dig very deeply into your sixth step (willingness to let go) and be brutally honest with yourself about your motives and so forth.

Tommyh 07-11-2012 03:49 AM

drop it-leave it alone
forget him
let it go and focus on your family and husband
that guy knew you had a family and did it anyway,so he used you too

TexasBloom 07-20-2012 08:38 AM

I was told that making amends to any ex for whom I still had feelings was walking right into self-centered behavior again (I was single when I was told this). My sponsor reminded me that maintaining that contact was saving my skin and feelings at the other person's expense by keeping that line of communication open, which to her showed that I didn't want to make the amends, but instead wanted to make sure I had an 'out" if I wanted to start seeing that ex again. She full-on checked my motives, and I needed it. I wrote a letter that I was to not send (he was in a new relationship) instead. I haven't talked to him since, and I'm glad. I had to look at which character defect drove my "need" for that attention and communication option from him.

The BB offers suggestions (pp 81-82) of what to do with (a)spouses who don't know, (b)with spouses who suspect, and (c)with spouses who do know:
(a)
"If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think" (leaving it up to each circumstance, as it later reminds us to pray)

(b)
"If she knows in a general way that we have been wild, should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault. She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person..."

(c)
"Perhaps there are times where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such a situation. It may be that both will decide the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygones." Then it addresses jealousy.

This is how my sponsor broke it down for me, allowing, of course for the particulars of each situation to be considered, and I was also told that if abuse if present, that changes the dynamics and timing of the amend completely, as personal safety was important. Just my experience.


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