Now I'm really scared
 

There is one person from early adulthood that I would like to make an amends with. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 30 years but I just found her on LinkedIn.

Now I just need to get up the courage to send her a message and see if she will respond. She is on the other side of the country, so I will not be able to meet with her face to face.

I am unsure of what to say.... do I tell her that I am working the steps in AA and would like to speak with her? Or should I just reach out in a friendly way and see if she responds before mentioning that?

Any suggestions would be appreciated....

Gosh, that's a tricky one. I can't really help as far as the steps go and how people normally do it. I'm sure lots of people will advise on that. I'd say that if it were me I'd probably send a nice message and include a light version of the purpose, like tell them I had not forgotten them and had always wanted to say "xyz." If you just send a general "hi" message and she doesn't respond it might be harder to follow up with the "real" message. I think it's touching that you remembered this person and want to reach out to them. I hope it is well received however you end up doing it.

Thanks Wackybunny... I could not and will not ever forget her. We lived together for 8 years and I have always regretted the way I blew it.

Now I just need the courage and the right words. I would really like to hear her voice and talk with her rather than trying to convey my feelings via email.

That's lovely. I think being honest and speaking from the heart is very powerful. Funny how we carry all this stuff around without saying it. Maybe then tell her you'd love to talk and ask for her number. (OK, that's rather obvious, lol)

What does your sponsor say? Why should AA be brought into it? Why not stick with admitting wrongs done and what you have done to correct them?

This is a very good point... thanks for your reply Steve. I have asked my sponsor but he has not gotten back to me yet.

To be quite honest, I am not sure if she will even speak to me. I may have to just send a message and let it go at that.

I spoke with my sponsor and he says I should just say that I would like to speak with her and give her my number. If she does not respond then I just have to let it go....

Seems like good advice to me. Keep us updated. 30 years is a long time, no way to tell how she feels about the situation. We can wish for harmony and closure but it doesn't mean we'll get it. Unless of course, we give it to ourselves.

3 weeks have gone by since I sent the message with no response. My sponsor has now decided that I should call her at work, since I know where she works from her profile on LinkedIn. I do not agree and do not want to bother her at work or upset her in any way.

The message I sent stated my regrets of how our relationship ended, so I am going to leave it at that.

I agree with you. Do not call her at work. You don't know whether the follow-up would cause more harm, and it is best to err on the side of caution. If it is meant to be, your higher power will put you in contact with this person again if further action is needed. There is also the possibility she does not want to respond. As you said, it's been many years. Perhaps she read the message and just wants to leave it at that. I had an amend that went this way. I only had an email address for this person I was involved with romantically (he had moved out of state). I sent him my amends and he never replied. Our relationship ended very badly, with my alcoholism causing a lot of harm on his end. I'm pretty sure he just did not want to have any further contact with me. But the point is I made the amends and I meant them. I cleaned off my side of the street. He does not have to forgive me or accept my amends. And I had to accept that and move on.

That is one awesome statement, thanks!

Thank you very much for this response, Pagekeeper. This is exactly how I feel and could not have said it better myself.

While I really hope that she will change her mind and call me, I feel it is out of line for me to force myself into her life again.

Except when,to do so would injure them or others.
I think yer making a wise choice of leaving it where yu are. Calling her could bring up wreckage that could cause her harm and your side of the street is clean.

I'm thinking about bobs story where he went about telling the people he feared what his problem had been. In all my amends, especially the personal ones, there was not a single one that did not know what my problem was, nor was there a single one interested in talking to me until they became aware that I had been making a strenuous effort to mend my ways.

A one off contact or message that gave no indication that I had recognised my problem and was doing something about it would not have received a reply. Why would they want to renew contact with the old me?

With some, an ex girlfriend in particular, the approach had to be made through a third party, and her terms for a meeting which involved her entire family being present, had to be met. Remembering I had agreed to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience.

Your sponsor is more familiar with the situation than we are, and I would hesitate to contradict their advice. Perhaps your friend is also in contact with others in your circle. Maybe there is someone who can act as an intermediary, themselves being convinced of your changed ways. Perhaps it will take time before the pieces will fall into place. But it would be wise to keep this person on your list and remain willing to make amends should the opportunity arise.

Thanks for your response Mike. The message I sent stated my regrets for the way our relationship ended and my part in that, so she knows knows I have recognized that I was the problem. As others have stated, my side of the street is clean.

As far as my sponsor goes, for some reason he changed his tune when she did not respond. At first he said that if she did not respond the she does not get an amends. I took it upon myself to explain the situation and make the amends in my message because I had the feeling I would not hear from her. While I have been hoping to hear from her so that I could express my feelings directly, seeing her in person would be impossible as she lives on the other side of the country and I am not in the position to travel to her.

As far as being in contact with others in our circle, it was almost 30 years ago and I am in contact with only 1 person from those days (my best friend) and he has not spoken to her in the decades since we broke up.

I applaud your efforts to make your amends face to face in front of her entire family but it does not always work out that way. Thanks again for your thoughts...