Understsnding why people walk away during this step.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Understsnding why people walk away during this step.
Not going to be swayed and am praying and powering through.
Could be wrong choice for sponsor could be me. I've prayed intensively at the beginning of each session and sit. I begin to write and there is an intense block going on. I've prayed about the block.
I will get through this 2nd rewrite.
Exhausted.
Could be wrong choice for sponsor could be me. I've prayed intensively at the beginning of each session and sit. I begin to write and there is an intense block going on. I've prayed about the block.
I will get through this 2nd rewrite.
Exhausted.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
LadyBlue,
i anticipated step 4 would be a breeze for me, since i'm an introspective person by temperament and such...
it was no breeze.
was easy for some people on the list, but not others.
i realized the block was fear. FEAR writ large. fear to see MY part.
i steeped in that step for a few weeks.
about six weeks.
when i knew i had completed it as best i could, i put it aside and was ready for 5.
this is to be thorough. nobody said it has to be perfect. it can't be.
if you can get a good idea just what the block for you consists of, that can help with finding the way past/through it.
i anticipated step 4 would be a breeze for me, since i'm an introspective person by temperament and such...
it was no breeze.
was easy for some people on the list, but not others.
i realized the block was fear. FEAR writ large. fear to see MY part.
i steeped in that step for a few weeks.
about six weeks.
when i knew i had completed it as best i could, i put it aside and was ready for 5.
this is to be thorough. nobody said it has to be perfect. it can't be.
if you can get a good idea just what the block for you consists of, that can help with finding the way past/through it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I have seen many relapse during step 4, including myself.
I am a perfectionist (and have had perfectionist sponsors). I thought I had to do the steps 'perfectly' (whatever that means). So the fourth step become a grueling task of perfectionism and self doubt....not very compatible. I became blocked and couldn't just 'let things out'. I've realized that perfectionism is a huge part of my alcoholic personality. The steps do not have to be perfect, heck they can be done over and over asmore reveals itself in my recovery. I want to be thorough and honest but heck in early recovery I don't know jack. So I'll just do the best I can, get into action and keep working my fourth step as needed. That's me anyway.
I am a perfectionist (and have had perfectionist sponsors). I thought I had to do the steps 'perfectly' (whatever that means). So the fourth step become a grueling task of perfectionism and self doubt....not very compatible. I became blocked and couldn't just 'let things out'. I've realized that perfectionism is a huge part of my alcoholic personality. The steps do not have to be perfect, heck they can be done over and over asmore reveals itself in my recovery. I want to be thorough and honest but heck in early recovery I don't know jack. So I'll just do the best I can, get into action and keep working my fourth step as needed. That's me anyway.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Hey LadyBlue
For sure I found step four uncomfortable; however, it wasn't so much revelations in the form of characteristics or traits I did not know I had (I knew I had them....they'd written my life story up to that point!) My discomfort arose from not wanting to own them. Underlying that, and the reason my active alcoholism endured so, was a very keen desire to avoid anything real, or uncomfortable about myself, how I responded to life and how I treated others.
There was something very liberating about that owning up, at least there was for me, nothing to hide anymore. And it wasn’t so much the detail of the events I listed - that was almost immaterial, and huge detail was not necessary. Rationalisations and justifications, now that had the potential to add detail :-). But really, it's what the process of writing demonstrated about the default settings I had, the patterns I began to see, about how I related to the world, what coloured my relationships (near or distant) with others and how I treated them, how I solved problems or dealt with difficulty, and how most often, my preference was for putting everything at some distance away from anything to do with either my action or inaction. To see that, is liberating. Also revealing was what I had held on to - a goldmine of information about how I expected the world to react, and how ready I had to be to take it on. Writing my step 4 did not take more than a couple of hours. Once I got out of the way, that is :-)
So, necessarily uncomfortable, for sure, but don't let it wear you down with re-write after re-write. The basic character flaws are not all that complicated, and neither really are the situations in which they arise. What complicates things, always, is my ego. And all I would be walking away from was an opportunity to face myself, as I really was, and that opportunity to take it from there.....
It was never the technicality of the step, because it’s intended to be simple, and in reality, complete honesty is simple, even if it's not easy. Those lines from the BB Chapter 5, P60....most of us exclaimed, what an order! & where it then goes on to emphasise this is about demonstrating willingness to grow along spiritual lines, both helped me keep on keeping on....still do :-)
Wish you well
For sure I found step four uncomfortable; however, it wasn't so much revelations in the form of characteristics or traits I did not know I had (I knew I had them....they'd written my life story up to that point!) My discomfort arose from not wanting to own them. Underlying that, and the reason my active alcoholism endured so, was a very keen desire to avoid anything real, or uncomfortable about myself, how I responded to life and how I treated others.
There was something very liberating about that owning up, at least there was for me, nothing to hide anymore. And it wasn’t so much the detail of the events I listed - that was almost immaterial, and huge detail was not necessary. Rationalisations and justifications, now that had the potential to add detail :-). But really, it's what the process of writing demonstrated about the default settings I had, the patterns I began to see, about how I related to the world, what coloured my relationships (near or distant) with others and how I treated them, how I solved problems or dealt with difficulty, and how most often, my preference was for putting everything at some distance away from anything to do with either my action or inaction. To see that, is liberating. Also revealing was what I had held on to - a goldmine of information about how I expected the world to react, and how ready I had to be to take it on. Writing my step 4 did not take more than a couple of hours. Once I got out of the way, that is :-)
So, necessarily uncomfortable, for sure, but don't let it wear you down with re-write after re-write. The basic character flaws are not all that complicated, and neither really are the situations in which they arise. What complicates things, always, is my ego. And all I would be walking away from was an opportunity to face myself, as I really was, and that opportunity to take it from there.....
It was never the technicality of the step, because it’s intended to be simple, and in reality, complete honesty is simple, even if it's not easy. Those lines from the BB Chapter 5, P60....most of us exclaimed, what an order! & where it then goes on to emphasise this is about demonstrating willingness to grow along spiritual lines, both helped me keep on keeping on....still do :-)
Wish you well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
why a 2nd rewrite?
when i was doing my 4th i realized i had heard at meetings often," i got to my 4th and drank."
i didnt understand it. yup some of what i was writing hurt, but i knew i had to do that to heal.
asked a man after a meeting," i dont get it. im crankin on my 4th. why do i hear so many people say they got to the 4th and drank?"
his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps."
keep on trudgin, ladyblue!! the 4th step promises will happen for ya!
when i was doing my 4th i realized i had heard at meetings often," i got to my 4th and drank."
i didnt understand it. yup some of what i was writing hurt, but i knew i had to do that to heal.
asked a man after a meeting," i dont get it. im crankin on my 4th. why do i hear so many people say they got to the 4th and drank?"
his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps."
keep on trudgin, ladyblue!! the 4th step promises will happen for ya!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
when you read the instructions in the book, is there a lack of clarity?
does the "block" relate at all to not understanding what you're supposed to do?
is it unwillingness?
fear?
just asking, LB.
is the sponsor or are you introducing stuff into it that isn't part of the instructions?
you can only do the step with what you've got. it helped me, every time i got stuck anywhere, to check on if i was complicating things. one of the things i reminded myself of is that the original 100 or so didn't actually do 12 steps; they did six (google original six steps), and they did them rather quickly.
'thorough' relates to being honest and where you are now. it means no fudging, no half-measures by minimizing or dismissing a few unpleasantnesses because you don't want to deal with the person/institution later in step nine. i know that was part of my fear: if i acknowledge this in 4, it will likely be in 9, and yuck, i don't want to...
do the step where you're at and put any awareness/worries/fear about future amends out of your mind.
maybe none of this rings true for you. just sharing some of what was going on for me when i was doing it.
does the "block" relate at all to not understanding what you're supposed to do?
is it unwillingness?
fear?
just asking, LB.
is the sponsor or are you introducing stuff into it that isn't part of the instructions?
you can only do the step with what you've got. it helped me, every time i got stuck anywhere, to check on if i was complicating things. one of the things i reminded myself of is that the original 100 or so didn't actually do 12 steps; they did six (google original six steps), and they did them rather quickly.
'thorough' relates to being honest and where you are now. it means no fudging, no half-measures by minimizing or dismissing a few unpleasantnesses because you don't want to deal with the person/institution later in step nine. i know that was part of my fear: if i acknowledge this in 4, it will likely be in 9, and yuck, i don't want to...
do the step where you're at and put any awareness/worries/fear about future amends out of your mind.
maybe none of this rings true for you. just sharing some of what was going on for me when i was doing it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Thank you all for the great responses. I will get through this.
My sponsor has ADD (I'm not being funny, she really does). She has a lot going on in her life and so now that I'm writing we don't get together as frequently. Twice now I have not been given clear direction and when finally getting together with her found that I was missing something and had to go back and redo. That and this time the format in which I did my turnarounds was incorrect so I have to go back and copy every single resentment over so that it's in the proper format.
I realize that my own lack of reaching out to her when I needed to plays a big part in this. I must be doing this right now because that last sentence was part of a turnaround in and of itself.
The best way I can describe it is that I think I, myself may have a touch of ADD. It's like having to redo a task that's already been written once. Let's be real too, in this world of technology and typing, handwriting everything takes far longer. I understand the necessity.
I will get through. I will get through. I will get through.
Even where I am at in the steps what I feel now and my outlook on life is far different than it ever was.
Thank you for all the encouragement.
My sponsor has ADD (I'm not being funny, she really does). She has a lot going on in her life and so now that I'm writing we don't get together as frequently. Twice now I have not been given clear direction and when finally getting together with her found that I was missing something and had to go back and redo. That and this time the format in which I did my turnarounds was incorrect so I have to go back and copy every single resentment over so that it's in the proper format.
I realize that my own lack of reaching out to her when I needed to plays a big part in this. I must be doing this right now because that last sentence was part of a turnaround in and of itself.
The best way I can describe it is that I think I, myself may have a touch of ADD. It's like having to redo a task that's already been written once. Let's be real too, in this world of technology and typing, handwriting everything takes far longer. I understand the necessity.
I will get through. I will get through. I will get through.
Even where I am at in the steps what I feel now and my outlook on life is far different than it ever was.
Thank you for all the encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
honestly, ladyblue? including myself, i know quite a few folks in recovery that seem to have some ADD.
you should see me cleaning house! ok, start in bathroom...take out the trash oh mantle needs dusting why is there a glass on here dishes need to be cleaned look at how dirty the floor is darn spider webs back to bathroom oh clothes need folding that window needs to be cleaned put toys away......
but it gets done!
you should see me cleaning house! ok, start in bathroom...take out the trash oh mantle needs dusting why is there a glass on here dishes need to be cleaned look at how dirty the floor is darn spider webs back to bathroom oh clothes need folding that window needs to be cleaned put toys away......
but it gets done!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I had to update you guys and additionally, hoping to help anyone who is struggling. In mid November my sponsor and I parted ways due to a difference of opinion that had nothing to do with the program nor drinking. I don't know if it was something that happened due to my higher power but I'm going to say it was because the outcome and my new sponsor is a world of difference.
About a month later a woman who I met the last time I was in AA, prior to my relapse, reappeared at my weekly meeting. She's 28 years sober and said that she knew she had to get her butt back to meetings. That she had been attending less and started to recognize that she needed to get back to it. We talked after the meeting and I kind of felt it out a little, considering asking her to sponsor me. I finally did.
I remember heading down to her house for the first time thinking how I had JUST read everything through step 3 with my prior sponsor and here we go again. Wow, I can't even tell you how different the words in that book were doing it with this sponsor. It's like someone took blinders off me. The depth of my understanding and acceptance are on an entirely different plain now.
So here I am on the 4th step. Again, now my third time. Is it still grueling? Sure, but here's the difference. When I am stuck I call my sponsor and what I get is love, compassion, and good guidance and direction. Not someone pounding on me who thinks that I should be writing their inventory and not mine. My sponsor doesn't even answer my questions, she discusses it in a way where I end up answering my own question and get it.
I can't even explain the feeling of gratefulness that I have for this.
Don't give up! I'm not saying that everyone has to find a new sponsor but I think we forget that sponsors are human too. I think honesty with ourselves is part of it too. I spent so much time thinking something was wrong with me and getting frustrated. My first clue as to what was wrong should have been this. I really had no issues with my core family. Sure, I had some but they were well covered in my writing. When I told my sponsor I was done with the resentment piece she asked me how many I had total and I told her, it was well over 100. Her answer to me was she had that many just for her core family and I should keep writing. That should have been my first clue as to whose inventory she thought I was writing.
Again, don't give up and maybe a new sponsor is in order.
About a month later a woman who I met the last time I was in AA, prior to my relapse, reappeared at my weekly meeting. She's 28 years sober and said that she knew she had to get her butt back to meetings. That she had been attending less and started to recognize that she needed to get back to it. We talked after the meeting and I kind of felt it out a little, considering asking her to sponsor me. I finally did.
I remember heading down to her house for the first time thinking how I had JUST read everything through step 3 with my prior sponsor and here we go again. Wow, I can't even tell you how different the words in that book were doing it with this sponsor. It's like someone took blinders off me. The depth of my understanding and acceptance are on an entirely different plain now.
So here I am on the 4th step. Again, now my third time. Is it still grueling? Sure, but here's the difference. When I am stuck I call my sponsor and what I get is love, compassion, and good guidance and direction. Not someone pounding on me who thinks that I should be writing their inventory and not mine. My sponsor doesn't even answer my questions, she discusses it in a way where I end up answering my own question and get it.
I can't even explain the feeling of gratefulness that I have for this.
Don't give up! I'm not saying that everyone has to find a new sponsor but I think we forget that sponsors are human too. I think honesty with ourselves is part of it too. I spent so much time thinking something was wrong with me and getting frustrated. My first clue as to what was wrong should have been this. I really had no issues with my core family. Sure, I had some but they were well covered in my writing. When I told my sponsor I was done with the resentment piece she asked me how many I had total and I told her, it was well over 100. Her answer to me was she had that many just for her core family and I should keep writing. That should have been my first clue as to whose inventory she thought I was writing.
Again, don't give up and maybe a new sponsor is in order.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
TO BE TRULY HONEST IS VERY DIFFICULT. I once told my counsellor I was worried about my son perhaps taking after me with drinking. She brutally (I told her to do this with me) demanded to know why? Part of it was because it was about me. So to a certain extent I was not even cognisant of the depth I had to look at myself honestly. Who wants to tell someone else they steal, lie, cheat, feel better when someone at work is suffering? That I am better in my recovery than the other guy because I did not drink- without even having a little bit of compassion for them? That behind the intentions of being good- in me lurks a selfish alcoholic that drank? That is why many find step 4 scary- rightly so. To look into the depths of one's own soul is difficult- but for me necessary. For with it comes acceptance and the ability to heal. It is no one else's fault. It is mine- my 'shortcomings'. Also important to recognise the good that exists in each other as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by january161992 
i was told by my sponsor to not write a book just be honest
resentments list
fears list
sexual harms list
all other harms list
did it in my car in a park in an hour
resentments list
fears list
sexual harms list
all other harms list
did it in my car in a park in an hour
Like others have said, it isn't about being perfect, or even "absolutely" complete. Most people I know with years of sobriety have said that if they have re-done a 4th later on (a big number have) then they found things they hadn't before. One person observed he thinks this is because we are ready to face certain things at certain times. I know I certainly couldn't entertain ALL I ever did/should go on a 4th at one time!!!
You can do this.
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