LeaRachel

I am currently on my forth step, for the second time. Before you wonder let me explain. I wrote out the list of my resentments, but after it simmered in my mind a while I added to that list.

It wasn't until I started digging did I see where some of my issues came from and why I don't / didn't find myself worthy of being healthy and happy. Because looking back in my childhood, no one took the extra step to save me from abuse. Which sent a message I wasn't worth saving.

But after years of trying to get help or someone to take me away, I know that's not possible. I need to see my worth needs to come from deep within me.

So this is the 1st step of the 4th step( does that even make sense). But now I know where the thought process of me thinking all these years I wasn't worth it came from.

I'm now learning I. AM. WORTH. IT. Now I just need to convince and reprogram my tapes.

UncleMeat69

It makes complete sense Lea. You are doing an awesome job, keep on moving through the "Stuff" that is "Blocking" you off from "The sunlight of the Spirit" and you will enable your HP to begin the healing process and achieve a "Psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism."

Once you get it all down on paper jump right into your 5th. Step so you can dump it once and for all...........

LeaRachel

Thanks UncleMeat69. This is the first time I've really taken a look at all these resentments and reasons I'm the way I am. It's interesting the aunt I loved and cherished was at the center of why I didn't find worthiness in my life.

SoulSister

Oh be careful blaming your state of happiness or worthiness on your Aunt.

No one is responsible for our worthiness or happiness.

deeker

Are you doing your 4th step with the guidance of a sponsor? Just curious?

LeaRachel

Yea Deeker I am, hes great.

UncleMeat69

For additional input to support the process you are using I
would refer you to the thread on this 4th Step Forum entitled:

"Paul F 12 Step Workshop" by the OP "Pete55"

matt4x4

Well step 4 is where the vast majority of people in recovery faulter. When I used to go to many Big Book studies, the room would be packed, literally people sitting on the floor. Then by the time we got to step 4, half the room wouldnt show up. Its a hard pill to swallow on step 4. To look at ourselves and our actions, was very hard to do. As long as we progress, and just do the step, dont over-think it. Sure when you start putting people, places, things down on the list other memories will come to light and you add to the list. That is why we have sponsors to help us, to teach us how to do each step, and for them to guide us so when we get hung up on something, they can hold our hands.

UncleMeat69

Yup, the BB says when we should do Step 4 " Next we launched out on a course
of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many
never attempted." (Page 63, Last sentence of 3rd. Edition) This sentence followed
immediately after Step 3.
Launched means now, not tomorrow, to me.

matt4x4

"Vigorous Action"

Not sit around, get comfortable, have some coffee, wait until you feel better.
Nope

Action and more action.

UncleMeat69

Yup - launched is now. But a cup of coffee
wouldn't hurt while you are writing a 4th..

neferkamichael

LeaRachel, doing a 4th step is FANTASTIC, rootin for ya.

Pete55

Re:
If you would like the actual links to this Paul F ( early 1940's AA ) method and booklets on how the steps were done back then, PM me and I'll send the links.

But, on the 4th step, according to the BB, something my first 2 sponsors overlooked, ( it's not their fault, cos that what their sponsors showed them)

It says on page 64,
Then it says,

The bolded First and the bolded "Resentment is the "number one"
was sequentially confused and in some cases overlooked as to what we are supposed to to do first.
That is look at our defects of character First, the cause of resentments.

When I noticed this after the 2nd time of taking the steps, before the Paul F recordings, it made sense why I balked. My resentments seemed to become greater and some older resentments were materialising which snowballed.
This is because I was not shown the causes, my own defects first.
I was merely fueling the fires, so to speak.

I found it far more easier to uncover where/what mine or my sponsees defects are first, the harms those defect caused 2nd, which becomes the written harms list that's used later on for Step 9!

By then many of the "resentments" evaporated, and only the few real resentments remained which are dealt with next, according to the sequence in the BB.

Paul F describes this very clearly and it's in the original booklets, ( copies can be downloaded) used by Dr Bob and his sponsee who passed it on and eventually passed on to Paul F and is now a major part of early AA 12 Step workshops. Very effective due to it's simplicity.

Just because the BB quotes that resentments are No 1, does not mean it's sequential. The ( our) Defects of Character comes first as shown on page 64.

UncleMeat69

Not sure we interpret it the same way. Yes it says we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure.
It is not saying list them first, but consider them. Then it flips back and says list our resentments, not our defects.

After doing Column 1, we then list the cause in Column 2 and what is affected in Column 3.
Look then to the instruction in on Page 67, Paragraph 3, which states :
"Referring to our list again" (Column 4) "Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. (Defects)
This method worked very well for me because, by looking at who hurt me first, I could write my list free of guilt & shame and get to Column 4 and take responsibility for "my part."
Otherwise, I would have owned more of what others did wrong than actually occurred.

A good inventory is a "Fact finding and fact facing process." I want to own "my defects" not someone's else's
because when I own theirs I'm am not learning the truth about me.

Pete55

yep,
consider them, so I write them down after considering. There were so many I'd forget what was considered and do replays.
Considering may also mean have a chat over each item with sponsor, some are worth writing down, others were twisted perceptions I could not see at the time.

Tommyh

twisted perceptions,yep Pete,that rings a bell.My 4th step was full of my twisted perceptions.
I wrote out my first 3 columns and sat and considered what I had wrote carefully.I saw my life was wasted on resentment and sick living......living in bondage.it is so good to be free today!

matt4x4

This is why having a solid AA sposnor helps. Our sick minds cant heal our sick mind. simple stuff.

Berrybean

I think it makes sense - if it was someone you didn't care about, then what they did / said / thought wouldn't have affected you so deeply. But remember to focus on you (how it affects you) and not her and why she behaved as she did.

Well done for working through it - it must be tough. x

swlnyc2017

Wow...I was at my group today (I am in outpatient treatment and do three group and one individual a week)...I have 52 two days sober which is great. I have tried so many times before. In my 20s, 30s, 40s, and now again in my 50s. I think I am really beginning to realize the truth of the big book passage..."Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." It's almost destroyed me. I'm counting days again after a pretty rough four year run. I drank every day...I drank almost a case and a half of beer over a 24 hour period. I couldn't get out of bed and go to work without having two or three beers because I would go into withdrawal. I had to start drinking again around noon or else I would start going into withdrawal again...then again at 4...then again when I got home until I passed out...then again when I woke up at 3 in the morning...pass out wake up...repeat...I knew it would be the end of the line for me if I didn't stop. So I had my last drink on august 15, and went into outpatient detox on august 16 and started an outpatient treatment program and daily AA attendance. I'm supposed to be keeping it simple and I am...Don't drink, go to meetings, eat, sleep, go to my treatment program, show up for work. But man, I have been noticing my resentments lately...and I don't like them. They hurt me. All I can do right now is to pray to let them go...and try not to act out on them. I blew up at my girlfriend last night over something trivial. Fact of the matter is I am resentful that she left me for a while last year to see someone else. Would you blame her when you read the drinking history above? I've worked the steps before...I know to look at my part...I feel a little sad and depressed. I apologized this morning. I've got some work to do in this area. I know I have a lot of work to do. When the time comes, I pray for the honesty, openness and willingness, alone with the courage to do it, along with the humility that is required

Pathwaytofree

That's not uncommon No one's 4th step is supposed to be close to perfect.

That's great self awareness that the writing you did do, allowed you to see this truth of the lie you believed back then.

Yes that's great insight.

Sure it does, everything is a process. The writing is a process. That's why you get the instructions in piecemeal.
Yup and that you have thought this way since childhood.... that's where the fear inventory comes in.

Beautiful! We change our thinking and actions in recovery, once we realize they were based on lies. Sounds to me like the process is working for you. Keep going! :-)