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Step 4-my best shot at prying out defects

Old 11-03-2013, 02:28 AM
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Step 4-my best shot at prying out defects

A bit of journey history on step 4, then my experiences and what it's like now.


2007, 3 months sober and I ask for the first time a member to "sponsor" me.
He once gave me his phone number after I shared and said" there are secrets in the Big Book".

I instantly got a resentment because I wanted him to tell me right there and then what these "secrets" are. But was he 15 years sober at the time, who was I to "debate".

18 months later I sacked him as I was still on Step 1, and I was going rather crazy.


I ask another member after the meeting if he will take me through the BB, but I don't want a sponsor. He said the same back to me that he does not want a sponsee, but he'll take me through the steps as a friend.

OK, we commenced

Steps 1,2, and 3, I "got" in the first 6 weeks.

Step 4....hmm

My biggest "fear" during the process was, "how on earth am I going to ever learn to do what he's doing"? Column after column after column...I just wanted to get it over and done with so I could end this phase.
Nothing was working, it was the Joe and Charlie, I was "young" in AA and really felt this is going to take a very long time.
I nearly drank !

We got past a few of the major resentments, THEN defects of charactor, a names list and an amend, then finally the last chapter, "A vision for you:.

Apparently according to his experience, we "ended" taking the 12 steps and we today are the best of friends.

However, I knew absolutely ZILCH about showing another the 4th Step.
I was not really "happy, joyous and free, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe". I had NEW RESENTMENTS !!!
The Universe itself and all the happy people in it !

------------,
Stayed plug in, done service etc etc, and it was one day an old timer asked me if I was going to such and such big book-12 step weekend camp

Went there reluctantly cos I don't do "social camps", but went to this one because it was BB and 12 Steps.

Saw and heard what I needed to hear and see, the steps as they were done in the early 1940's when AA was relatively new.


According to this method, RESENTMENTS and FEARS come after DEFECTS of CHARACTER. And the HARMS Column is next to the Defects of Character Column.

If one takes a closer look Page 64
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the "number one" offender.

It is very clear to me that First we search out the flaws, that's column 1
and column 2 is the harms -we considered its common manifestations


The first flaw is Self Pity and
next column who we harmed common manifestations


It is OK to google and learn the definition of Self Pity. There are some good illustrations.

So the list of "flaws" or "Defects of Character comes first in accordance with the order it is written in the BB.

The surprising thing about this is, by the time I got to Resentments, most had "evaporated". I had the leverage of understand a little more about myself and what made me tick, that it became obvious the flaw was in me!
By doing Resentments list first it's like try to drive off in 3rd gear. The "leverage" is too great against me.



For the record, the list ( Column 1 ) of "flaws: I have are as follows.
Column 2; who was affected.

SELF PITY - feeling sorry for your self
SELF JUSTIFICATION - to give reason
SELF IMPORTANCE - exaggerated opinion of self
SELF CONDEMNATION - self criticism
CRITICIZING - the act of making judgments
NEGATIVE THINKING - negative thoughts
VULGAR IMMORAL THINKING - crude thoughts
INSINCERITY - deceptive or hypocritical
PROCRASTINATION - to put off doing something
DISHONESTY - to falsely portray myself or to deceive
IMPATIENCE - to be impatient
HATE - strong feeling of dislike or ill will
ENVY / JEALOUSY - to desire what belongs to another
LAZINESS - unwilling to work
LYING - to lie
GOSSIP - to repeat idle talk or rumors
SELFISHNESS - more concern for self than for others.

------------------------------------
LIST RESENTMENTS ( new sheet )
Column 1: List People, Institutions, or principles with who you were angry
Column 2: Why do you resent that person, institution or principle ?
Column 3: What was your part ?
(A) How do you treat that person or institution ?
(B) Have you ever done what they did to you ?
(C) What do you do to keep the resentment alive ?
-------,
Column 4: Underlying fears:
(a) What do you fear you will not receive
(B) What are you afraid will or will not happen ?
(c) What do you fear they will do ?

------------------------------------------------
LIST FEARS ( new sheet )
Column 1: List People, Institutions, or principles with who you fear.
Column 2: Why do you fear that person, institution or principle ?
Column 3: What was your part ?

Column 4: Underlying fears:
(a) What do you fear you will not receive
(B) What are you afraid will or will not happen ?
(c) What do you fear they will do ?

The underlying fears means those fears in brackets on page 65.
---------------------------

The above method is Step 4 and 5 if you do this with another alkie.
and you have your harms list, all completed.

This method, according to AA history came from Dr Bob and Clarence S.
Their sponsees did not have to share or go to meetings for the duration of this 4-5 week process or until they completed a Step 11 and 12.
The underlying principle is, why share if you have no real recovery story or experience with the 12 steps ?
Pete55 is offline  
Old 11-03-2013, 04:33 PM
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It`s ok to stay sober
 
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ty Pete,I love 4th step stuff!
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