Suicidal new sponsees
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Suicidal new sponsees
I've had three women I have met/started to work with, who right from the start or extremely early on, tell me they are suicidal, or that they recently tried to kill themselves or wanted to kill themselves. 
How common is this?
Where do we draw the line between helping to guide an alcoholic through the steps and the big book, and helping them when they are in mental crises?
I think I handled it okay, but I am rather new to sponsoring and this isn't what I thought it would be about. So I'd love to hear feedback, constructive criticism, suggestions, personal experience, etc.
I thought I'd be helping people who were trying not to drink, to get sober and recover. I didn't think I'd be dealing with people who unfortunately suffer from mentally illness beyond alcoholism.
Woman #1:
1) I worked with her for a while. I allowed her to vent, as I tried to help her change her thinking and show her a new perspective. She was working on her 4th step, but stopped when it was time to look at herself.
When I tried to set boundaries regarding her calls, texts, and venting, she got suicidal. I spent a couple of hours trying to tell her that God loves her, that's not God's will for her, etc.
We were going to meet up for coffee before the next AA meeting, to get her back on track with her step work. She no-showed, didn't answer my calls or texts, fizzled out, and I haven't seen her since. I was so worried about her. She didn't return any future texts or calls. I've since heard that she's okay, goes to other AA meetings, and she's taking women through the steps. (I don't know how she can, but that's not my business.)
Woman #2
A recovery friend of a friend fairly new in program texted me to say that she gave my name and number to someone who is "a complete mess", and needs help. (I set a boundary and asked her to not give my name and number out without my permission. )
The woman contacted me, and at first she seemed to be very willing to admit she was an alcoholic, needed help, and wanted to go through the steps with me. I gave her the first set of step instructions and told her to call me when she was done.
Instead, she texted me to vent about how she was feeling. She told me she tried to kill herself the week before. She was currently in IOP. She still wanted to kill herself. I asked her if she told the IOP people. She said she didn't, but that she would. I have no idea if she did or not. I didn't believe anything she said to me.
When she contacted me again, I asked her if she followed my first step of step instructions. She said she hadn't, forgot what I said, and asked for them again. Again she vent-texted me full of really bad self-pity. I told her "I was sorry to hear that." Then I asked her to only contact me for step work, that my role is to help her recover from alcoholism. I said that I'm not a therapist or a mental health professional. I haven't heard from her again.
Woman #3
She told me she had good recovery, but had a recent slip when her mother died. She said she wanted to go through the steps again to get a deeper understanding and a new experience. I've only seen her 2-3 times at meetings, but anytime she talked to me at the meetings, or on texts, she vented like crazy about her ex-boyfriend. I've never heard anyone talk about an ex-boyfriend like she had. She admitted she is obsessed with him and she obsessively thinks about him.
She otherwise seemed very put together and serene. I thought this was a woman who just had some resentments that she couldn't let go of, and was grieving the loss of her mother.
I gently suggested a few times, when I noticed she wasn't doing the reading from the big book I gave her, that she do a written 10th/11th step on her ex-boyfriend. She didn't know how to do it, yet she said she'd been thru the steps already. That didn't make sense. So then I said, how about we do a 4th step just on the resentments you still have?
When I met up with her to show her how I did my 4th step, and to look at how she did hers previously, she was a completely different person. It was like day to night. I had no idea what happened. I didn't even recognize her. Someone took me aside and said she knows her from other meetings, and that she has mental illness in addition to alcoholism. She said I cannot help her, that she needs to probably be hospitalized or something.
Later that night, she texted me to say she wanted to kill herself. I think I handled it correctly--I stayed calm, I think I asked the right questions, told her exactly what to do (Family member near by? Doctor? Therapist? Psychiatrist? Call 911; Suicide hotline; Local Crisis Center.)
Once she got thru to her psychiatrist and told her what was going on, she continued to vent to me about her ex-boyfriend. I gently but firmly told her I am not a mental health professional and I cannot help her with this. She got angry at me.
This stuff is way above being a sponsor, isn't it? My role is to carry the message and connect the person to their conception of a Higher Power. I have zero training in the mental health profession.
How do you all set boundaries/limits before even starting with someone?
What is the best way to help women in AA who are suicidal or those with mental illness in addition to alcoholism?
How common is this?
Where do we draw the line between helping to guide an alcoholic through the steps and the big book, and helping them when they are in mental crises?
I think I handled it okay, but I am rather new to sponsoring and this isn't what I thought it would be about. So I'd love to hear feedback, constructive criticism, suggestions, personal experience, etc.
I thought I'd be helping people who were trying not to drink, to get sober and recover. I didn't think I'd be dealing with people who unfortunately suffer from mentally illness beyond alcoholism.
Woman #1:
1) I worked with her for a while. I allowed her to vent, as I tried to help her change her thinking and show her a new perspective. She was working on her 4th step, but stopped when it was time to look at herself.
When I tried to set boundaries regarding her calls, texts, and venting, she got suicidal. I spent a couple of hours trying to tell her that God loves her, that's not God's will for her, etc.
We were going to meet up for coffee before the next AA meeting, to get her back on track with her step work. She no-showed, didn't answer my calls or texts, fizzled out, and I haven't seen her since. I was so worried about her. She didn't return any future texts or calls. I've since heard that she's okay, goes to other AA meetings, and she's taking women through the steps. (I don't know how she can, but that's not my business.)
Woman #2
A recovery friend of a friend fairly new in program texted me to say that she gave my name and number to someone who is "a complete mess", and needs help. (I set a boundary and asked her to not give my name and number out without my permission. )
The woman contacted me, and at first she seemed to be very willing to admit she was an alcoholic, needed help, and wanted to go through the steps with me. I gave her the first set of step instructions and told her to call me when she was done.
Instead, she texted me to vent about how she was feeling. She told me she tried to kill herself the week before. She was currently in IOP. She still wanted to kill herself. I asked her if she told the IOP people. She said she didn't, but that she would. I have no idea if she did or not. I didn't believe anything she said to me.
When she contacted me again, I asked her if she followed my first step of step instructions. She said she hadn't, forgot what I said, and asked for them again. Again she vent-texted me full of really bad self-pity. I told her "I was sorry to hear that." Then I asked her to only contact me for step work, that my role is to help her recover from alcoholism. I said that I'm not a therapist or a mental health professional. I haven't heard from her again.
Woman #3
She told me she had good recovery, but had a recent slip when her mother died. She said she wanted to go through the steps again to get a deeper understanding and a new experience. I've only seen her 2-3 times at meetings, but anytime she talked to me at the meetings, or on texts, she vented like crazy about her ex-boyfriend. I've never heard anyone talk about an ex-boyfriend like she had. She admitted she is obsessed with him and she obsessively thinks about him.
She otherwise seemed very put together and serene. I thought this was a woman who just had some resentments that she couldn't let go of, and was grieving the loss of her mother.
I gently suggested a few times, when I noticed she wasn't doing the reading from the big book I gave her, that she do a written 10th/11th step on her ex-boyfriend. She didn't know how to do it, yet she said she'd been thru the steps already. That didn't make sense. So then I said, how about we do a 4th step just on the resentments you still have?
When I met up with her to show her how I did my 4th step, and to look at how she did hers previously, she was a completely different person. It was like day to night. I had no idea what happened. I didn't even recognize her. Someone took me aside and said she knows her from other meetings, and that she has mental illness in addition to alcoholism. She said I cannot help her, that she needs to probably be hospitalized or something.
Later that night, she texted me to say she wanted to kill herself. I think I handled it correctly--I stayed calm, I think I asked the right questions, told her exactly what to do (Family member near by? Doctor? Therapist? Psychiatrist? Call 911; Suicide hotline; Local Crisis Center.)
Once she got thru to her psychiatrist and told her what was going on, she continued to vent to me about her ex-boyfriend. I gently but firmly told her I am not a mental health professional and I cannot help her with this. She got angry at me.
This stuff is way above being a sponsor, isn't it? My role is to carry the message and connect the person to their conception of a Higher Power. I have zero training in the mental health profession.
How do you all set boundaries/limits before even starting with someone?
What is the best way to help women in AA who are suicidal or those with mental illness in addition to alcoholism?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Tommyh 
What is the best way to help women in AA who are suicidal
have them committed to the local hospital and let the professionals work on them,we can try to help them stay sober
have them committed to the local hospital and let the professionals work on them,we can try to help them stay sober
Thank you so much! This makes so much sense.
Why a sponsee thinks I can help her get out of her drama, depression, or suicidal thoughts if I'm not a mental health professional and am just a recovered alcoholic trying to help her recover from alcoholism was very perplexing....
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