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Old 09-27-2018, 10:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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they said I was a lost cause 3 months yesterday . 25 days in a mental hospital schizaffective bipolar disorder crippling depression shattered to peaces. I had to get blatently honest when you have grave emotional mental disorders . I cried so much I never really shared . But 3.5 months ago I went to a meeting for no other reason other then to get sober no one sponsor me . I was never habitual relapser but when I looked at all the people smiling enjoying life when we read from the big book I savored every word and when they started sharing a tear came to my eye it had to come from within.I drank one more time I'd say make all your amends do 1-8 with the desperation of a drowning man
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Old 09-27-2018, 12:19 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Thanks.
I need to do the step work right away. Thats part of my plan.
I just signed up for an online sponsor and if anyone has any advice to get moving through them until i find a new sponsor please tell me how
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Old 09-27-2018, 12:33 PM
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And yes I was going everyday to meetings. It helps me. It helped me stay out of denial, but around 4 mos or so i was feeling miserable but more secure in my sobriety.
I had the genius idea that maybe i needed a break from the social scene of these meetings.
The same week i wasnt attending meetings i started a job and within about 10 days i found myself drinking again.
I had a bunch of changes happen fast, as well as I had a couple off experiences at the meetings, i realize it doesn't matter. I will not let some ******* deter me from going to meetings ever again.
I need them especially until ive gone through the steps bc i find it helps me to not start beginning the step 1 denial that occurs when my brain starts noticing the entire world drinking and starts blocking out all of the evidence of why i can never drink again.


I have had 2 sponsors.
The most recent one has not attended meetings all summer or been available, constantly blows me off and i find I don't feel listened to.
I feel really pissed off at her and resentful and know its my program and up to me but im sick of these people saying they want to sponsor and then life happens and they put everything else above it.

I understand people have a life and that its up to me mostly but im pissed off at the failure to them to recognize that if someone is seeking a sponsor they need help so dont sign up for something you dont really want to do

I know its my program, but im throwing away the resentment and getting someone to help me as well as helping myself read the big book.

Both of my sponsors wanted to stay stuck on step 1
or the first one was 1-3 and it was after that i had my first relapse in aa

I need to go through the steps and i need to work on my program and pray and do it with god everyday

sorry for venting! I feel really pissed off today! Also feel grateful to be given the gift of sobriety and to feel right with god again.
Thank you for listening
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Old 09-27-2018, 12:37 PM
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I'd like to add that i know there are wonderful sponsors out there
and im grateful to everyone in the AA program
I know it takes time and so much effort to help someone through these steps and its all done without asking anything in return.

Just want to clarify, that it is a life or death situation
and even though there are great sponsors there seems to be also people who appear to be working the program but don't actually want to put in the work or forget what its like and what an alcoholic needs in the first months or just doesn't know how
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Old 09-27-2018, 02:56 PM
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Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God

It is dependent upon his relationship with God.

But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God.


Thats what i need to do, consistently put my spiritual life first, get right with god and not forget i need god in this when things start getting better
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Old 09-27-2018, 07:28 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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just an observation, Hopeful. you mention sponsors wanting to stay on step one with you, and you also mention that you have denial happening about the evidence of your inability to drink in a controlled or social way.
could be they picked up on that and that is why they wanted to stay on step one until they were sure you are sure.
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:20 PM
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I'm not sure Fini.
The first sponsor I worked with I did Step 1 immediately without apprehension.
She then gave me homework and said we would work on the steps a month or so at a time. I had a great relationship with her, she was just so busy, which was ok when I was well but when i had my relapse i then kept putting in 2 weeks, 3 etc and drinking again and I felt resentful that she wasn't available but didn't want to end it and add more problems, and i liked her, but it was challenging. then i went back out until this may.
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:21 PM
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So I had about 4-5 months and i went through 1 immediately and she gave me homework.
Then 2, homework, 3 etc. and I was still on 3 when I relapsed last November
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:23 PM
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When I had a good "Remember When" this May after spending most of last winter sober, but periods of relapses, a woman who i am grateful for approached me and I told my old sponsor that I know how busy she is, and this woman is close by and doesn't have alot going on and is interested in helping me.
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:24 PM
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She said her sponsor does it, and that without solidly doing step 1 for a long time, or I don't remember to tell you the truth because she got a boyfriend and pissed off all summer long and other then some papers on step 1 there was no step work
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:28 PM
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She was there and a godsend my first few weeks but i made it to 4 months with very little effort on her part and im more angry at myself not her, but im honestly pissed off at people saying they want to help and then youre stuck in this relationship and they don't
I will just use resources and read the materials myself and then get guidance from the different members. I don't want to be hated and seen as an ******* before i even get sober time in, it makes me angry though I don't talk to her regularly and while she is helpful i have lost respect for her and she says some helpful things but i generally get pissed off because the things I'm talking about she doesn't listen she starts giving advice and its not even what i'm talking about
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:30 PM
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I want to be able to go to the rooms as a relief not feel awkward, but i will drop her if someone comes along, but i would rather that if someone says they want to sponsor you, then they actually help you so you aren't stuck not knowing whether to make waves and ditch them and then have to see them all the time and have everyone gossip about you
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:36 PM
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I don't have denial today.
And I don't have it in the past after i get passed the first 30 days.
I do seem to have gone back out around the 4 month mark or so both times.

I get in denial when I do slip, then its a dance of oh! maybe i can. But once i have sober time in, i don't have a problem seeing clearly that i cant


i struggle with coping mechanisms when things get really stressful for me and learning how to learn new ways and navigate life sober, which is why i wanted a sponsor to have someone close to help me in navigating my way through
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:42 PM
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Plus, i feel like I admitted step 1 when I started my sober journey and definetly when I committed to going to AA and walked in the doors.
I did Step 2 by going to AA as well and finding God again.
I had a problem with Step 3 when I relapsed the first time.
I had a problem after letting go of alot of things being raised Catholic. And I struggled being stuck on it.
But I don't have a problem with it since May.
I want to go through the steps that heal me
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:59 PM
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I'm going to start on 4
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Old 09-28-2018, 09:01 AM
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yes; the steps are the suggested solution in AA, so dragging feet on that would leave you without a solution.
i have found it difficult to find folks who see sponsorship as guiding through the stepstuff...most people i meet see it as buddies, or quasi-therapist.
the last person who asked me to be their sponsor...when i asked them why they wanted a sponsor, their answer was " because everyone has one", and they had 7 years sobriety.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...7CT2tEHHSwdojr
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Old 09-28-2018, 04:50 PM
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Thanks!

I'm frustrated.

I just need to keep putting in the effort and make it stick for good.
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Old 09-28-2018, 05:37 PM
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man i know the feeling all to well do not give up never give up just do what the first 103 pages of the book AA
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Old 02-18-2019, 02:13 PM
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