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Alone with God: A Step 11 journal

Old 02-11-2020, 01:03 PM
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Alone with God: A Step 11 journal

Hello fellow travellers!

I just signed up to the forum, and I’m pretty sure the spiritual recovery section is my new home . I’ve been sober in AA for some years now, but my spiritual life has been a winding, bumpy road (all winds and bumps of my own making, of course!)

If I had to describe my own beliefs, I would say that I am a Zen-Christian. I practiced Zen for many years with a sangha in the US (I live in France now), but something always felt missing until I found the work of Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk who famously built a bridge between mystical Christianity and Zen… I think all the focus on emptiness in Zen has great value, but it also leaves out the joy and ‘fullness’ that comes from having a devotional side to practice, and I find prayer is really beneficial as well… that said, I’ve never believed in a personal or anthropomorphic God, but I recognise there’s power in using an anthropomorphic avatar or representation of God in practice - we’re hardwired to related to other people, so using a human-like representation of God can be a useful symbolic channel…

Hmm… what am I doing here? writing my spiritual resumé? Not sure… seemed appropriate to sort of spiritually introduce myself…

Anyhoo… lately I’ve been working a lot on self-love and changing my perspective on time alone… One thing I’ve come to see very clearly is that the core of my addiction is a deep craving for love and validation… it made me wonder why is it painful for me to be alone? It’s normal and human to want connection and companionship, but being alone is just being with myself, and being with myself can be valuable and transformative if I change my attitude and perspective to it…

What else? Hmmmm.... meditation is fundamental for me - I try to meditate twice a day, and I find that doing it both morning and evening makes a huge difference… I dont reap the benefits so much if I’m only meditating once… meditation is the time when I get intimate with the pain in the core of my being - the same pain that drove all my drinking and drugging…For an addict like me, meditation is perhaps a little different than it is for ‘normie’ meditators… when I get still and silent, I get to really be present with that ‘being wound’ that is really the heart of my addiction, and in being with it consciously, rather than zoning out with Netflix or food or some obsession, it starts to heal… I heard a Christian mediation teacher once say ‘when you get still and allow the pain to be there, you make a bit of space for God to work on it’, and I think that’s really true…

Anyhow, I want to keep a journal here to sort of keep track of my spiritual journey and progress… not sure if I’m making much sense, but I’m glad I found you guys and I look forward to sharing in your journeys too… thanks for being here!

Hugs,
Lucas
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Old 02-11-2020, 02:23 PM
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Your post makes a lot of sense to me, ZenDancer...

Originally Posted by ZenDancer View Post
I’ve been working a lot on self-love and changing my perspective on time alone...
I did some of this before, although not nearly enough. More to do here.

Originally Posted by ZenDancer View Post
meditation is the time when I get intimate with the pain in the core of my being - the same pain that drove all my drinking...
I understand what you mean as I was beginning to to get there with it also.

Originally Posted by ZenDancer View Post
‘when you get still and allow the pain to be there, you make a bit of space for God to work on it’, and I think that’s really true…
So do I, being honest. Who else can heal me, but me? (and God)

Thank you for this valuable and informative post.

I will be following along!

Cheers
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Old 02-11-2020, 04:34 PM
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Welcome, Lucas.

I hope you find peace and light here.
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Old 02-12-2020, 05:10 AM
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Lovely. Welcome to SoberRecovery and this comforting little corner of it.
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Old 02-12-2020, 10:30 AM
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Thanks for the warm welcome folks!
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Old 02-12-2020, 11:11 AM
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“The eyes through which I see God, are the eyes through which God sees me… one seeing, one being” - Thomas Merton

“The mystics are people for whom life has been so unbearable for so long that they suddenly discover the divinity of it all” - James Finley
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