Originally Posted by kenton

Last weekend, we put the tree up, decorated the house and I was full of festive cheer. A week later, the tree and decorations still look gorgeous but I'm feeling a bit down. I haven't been able to recover fully yet from my mother's attack on Tuesday. It's very interesting, actually to see the impact of one attack. Since Tuesday, I've felt my self esteem start to slip away, I'm doubting my decisions at work and at home, my sense of humour is missing in action and I keep thinking, 'what's the point?' Extraordinary, isn't it? That's the impact of one toxic attack on a reasonably robust adult. And I can escape now. I was able to run away from that attack on Tuesday and I have the safety and support of my family and home. It's given me a little insight into what it must have been like when I was a kid and there was no escape. No wonder I entered adulthood with zero self-esteem and sense of worth.

And now the crazy guilt has started. I feel guilty for craving distance from my mother. The part of my brain that is always telling me it will be ok to have one glass of wine is now trying to tell me that the attack on Tuesday is probably my fault. And it didn't help that yesterday my mother sent me and my family a plant. Out of the blue, a plant arrived with a card reminding me it's Christmas. It's a lovely plant. I'm grateful for the plant but it doesn't feel right to me. It felt like my mother reached into my heart, ripped out my soul and trampled on it on Tuesday. I know that sounds dramatic but that's what it felt like. She told me my feelings about my dad's death were weird, my writing was weird... She told me she's never been able to like/love me because I'm so weird. And I know weird can sometimes be pretty cool but when she talked about weird, it didn't sound cool. It sounded wrong and bad and inferior. So inferior. And because she lost her temper so much and her mask slipped and her neighbours heard her screaming and swearing at me, she now knows she's gone too far. Other people witnessed this episode of her rage. So I get sent a plant and a reminder in code of my birth family motto. Don't talk about what happened, don't express yourself, don't feel anything, brush all that emotion away ... Just look at this plant and remember it's Christmas.

My sisters tell me the plant is mum's way of reaching out. They say it's the only way she can express any warmth towards me. It doesn't feel like warmth...it feels like a way to silence me. I don't want plants or anything like that from my mother... I would trade all the plants in the world for a snippet of genuine warmth. But this is where I draw the line in the sand. I want to feel festive and excited about Christmas again... I'm not going to kick the guilt and the sadness out.... I'm going to acknowledge them and let them stay if they want, but I'm going to welcome the joy and excitement back in. Hopefully they might kick the guilt and sadness out. Sorry for writing a short novel when I only intended to write a few words. What can I say? I'm such a weirdo. That was a joke. Humour is making a return. Yay! Love to everyone and 24 more for me please xxxx