Pouring it out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
Pouring it out...
I know the very long list of why I shouldn't pour out the alcohol: 3 C's; my AH will just buy more=even worse financial hardship; the arguement that will ensue; accept or move on, etc...
I have gone through many stages with this excruciating dilemma. Early on I always poured out the bottle. The beer I left. Then I read, learned, and steeled myself not to. I regressed and poured out just enough to keep his BAC lower, but today I totally snapped. There went the bottle down the sink. And being perfectly honest with myself here, sometimes my crazy is showing. I work on myself and try to follow the "rules" since I am chosing to stay but this one always hits me the hardest!
I have gone through many stages with this excruciating dilemma. Early on I always poured out the bottle. The beer I left. Then I read, learned, and steeled myself not to. I regressed and poured out just enough to keep his BAC lower, but today I totally snapped. There went the bottle down the sink. And being perfectly honest with myself here, sometimes my crazy is showing. I work on myself and try to follow the "rules" since I am chosing to stay but this one always hits me the hardest!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Kudos for posting here! 
Moments like those can be good jumping off points, like bouncing off a mini-trampoline, towards other directions that are healthy and healing. (((hugs)))
I've been there, too. This disease sucks!
Moments like those can be good jumping off points, like bouncing off a mini-trampoline, towards other directions that are healthy and healing. (((hugs)))
I've been there, too. This disease sucks!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is hard NOT to want to lash out a the evil booze that is causing all the problems. except....the booze really isn't the PROBLEM....your AH's consumption of the booze is. millions of people have alcohol in their homes and their lives are not disrupted by what happens when it is consumed. and there are alcoholics who never have booze in the home and drink anyway.
it's the chaos, the disruption, the raging bull storming about the house. YOUR house. THIS is the problem. if they refuse to stop, what are WE to do? we can't make them stop. so we are left with some tough decisions. detachment only takes us so far. we have to consider our own emotional/mental/spiritual state of being.....if it's all making us crazy, what do we have to do to reclaim sanity?
it's the chaos, the disruption, the raging bull storming about the house. YOUR house. THIS is the problem. if they refuse to stop, what are WE to do? we can't make them stop. so we are left with some tough decisions. detachment only takes us so far. we have to consider our own emotional/mental/spiritual state of being.....if it's all making us crazy, what do we have to do to reclaim sanity?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
D,
Yes he is the alcoholic but you are going crazy. It's just not fair.
Did you feel better after you dumped it? After 34 years with my axh that was one thing that I never did, because I always knew he had more stashed somewhere. I did more crazy things than I am willing to admit on this forum.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Work your program and it will slowly sink in.
Yes he is the alcoholic but you are going crazy. It's just not fair.
Did you feel better after you dumped it? After 34 years with my axh that was one thing that I never did, because I always knew he had more stashed somewhere. I did more crazy things than I am willing to admit on this forum.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Work your program and it will slowly sink in.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I have a slightly different opinion - did you pour it out because you wanted him to not drink, or did you pour it out because it was really bothering you to see it in the fridge/cupboard/bathroom sink/wherever? If your motive was the latter, I don't think it was a "crazy" thing to do. You shouldn't have to have your living space invaded by booze if you don't want it. If your AH doesn't want his alcohol dumped, he'll have to find somewhere to put it where it's not in your face.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
I poured it out because I found him in the garage drinking his hidden stash. Wasn't in my face, though his half inebriated state had been all day. My very last nerve had been pushed to the limit. Grabbed it out, went directly to the sink and poured. Snapped! Even as I sit here and know what I did was not working my own program, I am not sure I would change it. I know I need to work harder.
Very wise, caring souls here in SR. Thank you for the responses. I have read them over and over. I want things to sink in deep. I really hope some day all the things I know become all the things I do.
Very wise, caring souls here in SR. Thank you for the responses. I have read them over and over. I want things to sink in deep. I really hope some day all the things I know become all the things I do.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
D,
You say that you probably were not working your program, and you"snapped".
This is what happens when we "lose it". Then our addict say "she is crazy and pouring out my alcohol". My kids use to say that I was the mad crazy one, and dad was the nice drunk.....ugh!!!
We don't want to be crazy. We want to be calm and in control. This is what working the program is about. Not letting our addict push our buttons to do crazy things.
Work the program, and detach and don't allow him that power for you to lose it. All of us are a work in progress. You got this my friend!!
You say that you probably were not working your program, and you"snapped".
This is what happens when we "lose it". Then our addict say "she is crazy and pouring out my alcohol". My kids use to say that I was the mad crazy one, and dad was the nice drunk.....ugh!!!
We don't want to be crazy. We want to be calm and in control. This is what working the program is about. Not letting our addict push our buttons to do crazy things.
Work the program, and detach and don't allow him that power for you to lose it. All of us are a work in progress. You got this my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,632
Originally Posted by DShe 
Even as I sit here and know what I did was not working my own program, I am not sure I would change it. I know I need to work harder.
Are you just deflecting the anger at your Husband and his alcoholism on to the alcohol? You snapped, you didn't confront him or yell at him or tell him to stop? You dumped the bottle instead. Either choice would have about the same result, which is no result.
I'm guessing it didn't make you feel any better either? Well maybe for a few minutes.
You mention you have decided to stay in the relationship and that is certainly your choice. Thing is, if you hope to have happiness in your life you are going to have to focus on yourself and your life. You went down to the garage. I imagine you would like to have a Husband present maybe watching a movie and having a nice pleasant night? Nothing you do is going to change it.
I know the very long list of why I shouldn't pour out the alcohol: 3 C's; my AH will just buy more=even worse financial hardship; the arguement that will ensue; accept or move on, etc...
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
D, I know your pain and I have been there before. I got a new iPhone and was looking at pictures that I had on the old one. Last fall there were pictures of how much he was consuming. I would get up at 4:00 am to take care of our dog (so he wouldn’t abuse her) before going to work for the day, and then I would mark his bottles with a sharpie and take pictures of his consumption. It was a waste of time—and after about a month or so, I gave it up. It confirmed what I already knew: he was drinking a lot. His drink of choice was from Seagrams and came in these giant, almost 2-liter bottles. He went through 2 liters in about 2 days. No need to reinforce what I already knew.
Then I started pouring out what was left after his abusive episodes—like if I got rid of what was causing him to be abusive (it wasn’t the alcohol, he was an abuser and alcohol just increased the propensity and level of violence) it would make it go away. Or maybe he would realize how much he was drinking (he knew and admitted to me he had a problem). It sometimes just got him to drink other stuff that he had sitting around from parties we hosted until he could get to the package store. And there was a period of about one week that I was measuring consumption from every bottle—and that is a week of my life I will never get back.
I know how hard it is to make the decision to get away from the relationship; mine ended with police and court involvement and no one wants that. These days, it’s been hard and heartbreaking, but when I go home now, I am at peace. There is no A screaming, ranting, throwing things, hurting me or the other souls in the house. I can sleep. I clean up after myself and life goes on. I do remember the desperation though—and that’s exactly what it was, desperation. I still have difficulty some days with the thought that the person I knew, and fell in love with a long time ago, was never coming back. I don’t know how long it will be for that to fade.
I wish the best to you; take care and make things better for you.
Then I started pouring out what was left after his abusive episodes—like if I got rid of what was causing him to be abusive (it wasn’t the alcohol, he was an abuser and alcohol just increased the propensity and level of violence) it would make it go away. Or maybe he would realize how much he was drinking (he knew and admitted to me he had a problem). It sometimes just got him to drink other stuff that he had sitting around from parties we hosted until he could get to the package store. And there was a period of about one week that I was measuring consumption from every bottle—and that is a week of my life I will never get back.
I know how hard it is to make the decision to get away from the relationship; mine ended with police and court involvement and no one wants that. These days, it’s been hard and heartbreaking, but when I go home now, I am at peace. There is no A screaming, ranting, throwing things, hurting me or the other souls in the house. I can sleep. I clean up after myself and life goes on. I do remember the desperation though—and that’s exactly what it was, desperation. I still have difficulty some days with the thought that the person I knew, and fell in love with a long time ago, was never coming back. I don’t know how long it will be for that to fade.
I wish the best to you; take care and make things better for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DShe…..I think that I can say that just about everyone on this forum has been where you are, at some point, with their alcoholic....
Sometimes, the anger just gets to a white hot level...and, we act it out, somehow....
It is so hard to accept the situation, as it is.....
Since you have made the decision to stay.....accept, you must. This will mean lowering the bar on your expectations of him....lowering the bar realllly low....like, at ground level...then then digging a trench below ground level...lol....
While leaving would require changes on your part...and, that seems so scary to a lot of people....the reality is, that, staying requires just as much changing on your part...and, just as much work in preparing for the future...(you indicated, in your response to my post to you in another thread...that you were looking into the resources that you will need as his condition deteriorates)….I ope that you are still doing that.
One thing that might help, in the planning, is to make sure that his affairs are inorder...you can do that bit , together. Thing that need to be considered...like life insurance, living will things...and final wishes, on his part.
Also, planning for your own self....like how will you have additional help...in order to get some respite...some breaks...or help, should you fall ill, yourself....The emotional and physical strain on the caregiver can be tremendous.....
The thing is...that the goal posts keep moving...since alcoholism is progressive. What is enough for today, may not be enough for three or six months from today.....
I know, from reading your posts, that detachment is your goal....are you getting enough help on the detachment front....specific help....? Remember the man with the ham sandwich...lol! It takes a lot of support and help to get to that point in detachment...
One thing that could help you with the mental aspects of this is to read the more than 100 articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...lol..
(They are contained in the "stickies'...just above the threads)….but, I am giving you the following link to them...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***By the way, don't beat yourself up about the pouring out episode. It is understand able , under the situation. Everyone has a breaking point, when the anger builds up....
Whether you pour out, or not pour out, will not have any effect on the ultimate outcome....
Sometimes, the anger just gets to a white hot level...and, we act it out, somehow....
It is so hard to accept the situation, as it is.....
Since you have made the decision to stay.....accept, you must. This will mean lowering the bar on your expectations of him....lowering the bar realllly low....like, at ground level...then then digging a trench below ground level...lol....
While leaving would require changes on your part...and, that seems so scary to a lot of people....the reality is, that, staying requires just as much changing on your part...and, just as much work in preparing for the future...(you indicated, in your response to my post to you in another thread...that you were looking into the resources that you will need as his condition deteriorates)….I ope that you are still doing that.
One thing that might help, in the planning, is to make sure that his affairs are inorder...you can do that bit , together. Thing that need to be considered...like life insurance, living will things...and final wishes, on his part.
Also, planning for your own self....like how will you have additional help...in order to get some respite...some breaks...or help, should you fall ill, yourself....The emotional and physical strain on the caregiver can be tremendous.....
The thing is...that the goal posts keep moving...since alcoholism is progressive. What is enough for today, may not be enough for three or six months from today.....
I know, from reading your posts, that detachment is your goal....are you getting enough help on the detachment front....specific help....? Remember the man with the ham sandwich...lol! It takes a lot of support and help to get to that point in detachment...
One thing that could help you with the mental aspects of this is to read the more than 100 articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...lol..
(They are contained in the "stickies'...just above the threads)….but, I am giving you the following link to them...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***By the way, don't beat yourself up about the pouring out episode. It is understand able , under the situation. Everyone has a breaking point, when the anger builds up....
Whether you pour out, or not pour out, will not have any effect on the ultimate outcome....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know what? I usto pour it out just because it ticked me off. I would then leave the empty bottles on the table so he would for sure know I found them. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I work on myself and try to follow the "rules" since I am chosing to stay but this one always hits me the hardest!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
I am not tech savy enough to answer all the questions, but thank you again for all the support and the thoughts to ponder.
When I really thought about it, I realized I snapped because I am not taking care of myself.Taking care of myself physically puts me in a much better place mentally. Yesterday was better. I also made some calls to help relieve some of the pressure that has been building.
I appreciate those that shared I had those moments, too. Could make a hilarious thread at poking fun of ourselves. Years ago my days were was chalk full of them. Now not so much. But they still happen. Work in progress.
When I really thought about it, I realized I snapped because I am not taking care of myself.Taking care of myself physically puts me in a much better place mentally. Yesterday was better. I also made some calls to help relieve some of the pressure that has been building.
I appreciate those that shared I had those moments, too. Could make a hilarious thread at poking fun of ourselves. Years ago my days were was chalk full of them. Now not so much. But they still happen. Work in progress.
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