boots45

My husband is amazing...

This week he has bought me treats in the evening to stop me from drinking. Last night he went to the shop and bought me a super posh but healthy flavoured water and kept topping it up as the night went on. The night before he bought me a large bar of chocolate, the night before that some yummy posh crisps. He says 'well done' every night I have gone to bed sober. "You don't need alcohol". He has also listened to all my anxieties that normally have me rushing for the bottle, and he miracously makes it all disappear with a witty comment or practical advice.

So here's the deal.

He likes a drink too, but he can drink in moderation. He can sip away at a large single malt all evening. Or have a bottle of his favourite beer sitting in the fridge for a week.

Last night:
Him "You've done so well. We should just drink at the weekends from now on."

Me: "I think I can stop altogether"

Him: "You don't need to stop. Just drink less"

Me: "I have found this fab website called SR and its inspired to just stop."

Him: "But you are not an alcoholic. You just drink too much" (Lists all the reasons why I cannot be an alcoholic)

Me: "I'd like to save some money by just totally stopping. I like being sober"

Him: "So I can't drink anymore?"

So the weekend is coming up and I would rather he didn't buy any booze simply because I know I will want to do the usual and join in. Its only been 5 days and I am not ready to watch other people drinking. Maybe one day but not just now. I feel I am turning into the boring wife...

doggonecarl

Have him read your first post.

He doesn't understand alcoholism, probably never will. But you do, and that's what matters. Thank him for his support, but tell him if he really wants to support you, he won't bring booze home and he won't pester you to "drink less" than you usually do.

Good luck.

AWOL

Thanks for your post Boots. It's a common misperception among non-alcoholics that you'll be OK by "drinking less". Alcoholics don't understand the meaning of drinking less. The intention fails after the first drink. The most telling part of your story is his reaction when you expressed the desire to be sober: "So I can't drink anymore?" he said. Your situation is not about him: it's about you, your life, your health and your sanity. Stay with it for you. What you are doing is noble and courageous, and ultimately it will serve your life better if you follow your desire to be sober. "Weekend drinks" inevitably end up in days of hell for us alcoholics...

entropy1964

It is really hard to have a spouse, partner, family who don't understand or accept our addictions. No doubt. And I see people fail over and over who are in these situations.

My late hub was a heavy drinker. But he was never like me. We drank together. Drinking buddies. And we had some good times drinking together. Even tho he understood I was an alcoholic, and he tried to support me, that desire to drink together at times never disappeared. He was my number 1 enabler. And I 'allowed' him to be just that.

I drank at people, because of people, because of my childhood, because of my husbands death....etc etc. I quit for people, because of people and because of my worsening consequences. I rationalized starting again because of people or other situations in my life. My dog died, I'm bored, I have anxiety, I have cancer....blah blah.

I realized that neither my drinking, nor my recovery, are dependent on anything or anyone else other than myself. I will always find an excuse or a reason if I allow myself too. Its hard, but I have to be very firm. Not only to shut down the internal dialogue of drink or not to drink, but to clearly set boundaries with those around me.

Be very clear with your husband. I am quitting because I am an alcoholic. This is black and white. If I continue I will get worse, much worse.

He sounds like he will support you but you will need to firmly draw the line. And if he doesn't support you and still buys booze, it is on you to not drink it. Super hard, but that's kind of the bottom line.

You can do this!

Maudcat

Hi, boots.
Welcome.
Time to b firmer in discussions with your husband, I think.
I live with a food enabler ( “come on, finish it up. It’s not going to keep.”) tho thankfully he understood about my drinking and, in fact, quit with me in support.
Think he’s worried that if you don’t drink, he can’t either?
Good thoughts.

zjw

just be strong and stick to your guns. I know it'll be hard becuase I'm willing to bet you got your own inner voice saying "one drink wont be a big deal" etc... and I"m sure your own inner voice doesnt need a whole lot to push you over the edge.

I went throught his with my wife to some degree. she woudl be like you've done so good why not get a 6 pack of your favorite kind to celebrate I was like I just cant it doesnt work like that. Other times I told her I really dont need any encouragement like that because it woudlt not take much to push me into being a daily drinker again so please stop. I explained I didnt need any validation like that or any kind of encouragement in respect of how i could drink.

EVENTUALLY prolly like 8 or 9 months in she got it. *sigh* but now she understands and doent suggest that stuff.

Keep in mind they probably mean well. They just dont understand is all.

MantaLady

I have a similar but different situation with my mum. I am booked to go into a 60 day rehab in a few weeks time. I have already started the process and are 18 days sober as of today. She said the other day "well, you don't really have that much of problem as you thought, you proved you don't need a drink everyday so I think you don't really need to go to rehab that long, just a few weeks or 30 days at the most as you've pretty much fixed it all now, seems such a lot of money to spend when you don't really need to do that anymore"

I know she meant well and what she said came from a good place, but a place that really doesn't get the full depth and bredth of being an alcoholic. I smiled and must admit did pay consideration to that comment, yeah, it is a lot of money, do I really need to do this...and the answer is hell yes I need to do this!

It's hard but you know what you need to do and just need to stick to it, be honest with yourself and sharing with people that really do get it here on SR. That's what keeps me on track xx

lessgravity

My wife was the same way. Though through my pathetic drunken binges she has turned the corner. I'm lucky that she thinks there's more to me than that lying, selfish drunk.

But she too would say the exact same lines that your husband said. And for my AV that was pure pleasure - if she didn't think I was a drunk then I could keep my charade going longer. And longer it went.

You can show your husband through being sober that you don't need to drink to be fun and that sobriety doesn't equal a boring spouse. I've gone to parties and dinners and been sober and have just as much if not more fun and am more fun as a person as I am sober and in control and funnier and wittier than I would be if I was instead just trying to get wasted.

MyLittleHorsie

My husband was similar. I didn't mean you needed to quit completely, just slow down. I said to him, I can't it's all or nothing. He maintained that for the first three months, then I think he got it. I imagine he did some research on his own. He is incredibly supportive, he will drink if we go to a dance or something, and he did have a drink the night before his Dad died in a restaurant with me and the kids. He might even have had 2 that night, I don't remember. On the weekend he called on his way home to ask if I minded if he bought beer. It stays in his fridge in the garage, I have no reason to ever open it. It was a canned lager he picked up too. Blech. Still, he had one Friday, that didn't bug me, but when he had one Saturday afternoon while we were working together outside, that one bugged me. Still he had supper and we went back to work, him sans anymore beer. Up to last weekend, I always had a plan in place when we went somewhere where there would be drinking, either, I was working at the event, I had to drive, the kids are with us... Saturday it was in my house, it seemed it was everywhere, the neighbours having a few while doing yard work, my gf drinking wine at her house, the lady at the grocer, where they also sell wine and spirits, putting my Italian Soda in a wine bag LOL. So now I realise, I need to work on that part of my plan. There will be weeks when dh is like, I worked 60 hours, we're having a fire outside, darnit I am going to have a beer and I have to figure out how to be OK with it and accept it and move on. I need to figure out why it bothers me and what I need to do to keep it from bothering me.

It is hard when initially they don't get it, but once they accept it and see how much better life is for you, sober, they appreciate it almost as much as you.

ScottFromWI

Welcome boots, and congrats on your decision to quit. Lots of good advice here, and I'd echo the sentiment that most people probably will never understand, even those very close to us. We have a hard enough time even understanding/accepting it ourselves.

My spouse still drinks wine on very rare occasions, and I don't ask or try to prevent her from doing so in our house as it's not really a problem for her - and thus not a problem for me.

You will need to set healthy boundaries though - and that will be difficult at first. If you can convey to him that you don't drink anymore because you don't want to, that should be more than enough. If he cannot respect that decision then you may need to have some very serious talks.

Chase01

If he wants a drink, but you don't want it around you, maybe he could pop out and meet up with a friend.

As someone already said, it is not about him. You have to prioritise your sobriety or you won't be able to maintain it. When you talk about it don't say things like "I am not drinking right now" or "I am cutting back. " Try more assertive statements like I don't drink anymore because (insert reasons here) health, money, the way it makes me feel, etc.

It sounds like he is trying, but like you said, he just doesn't get it yet.

Distorted Me

I'm so fortunate I have a wife who gets it. She's not an alcoholic but she does get it. I had to spell it out - not another drink again for me, no special occasions..blah blah blah, not ever one single drink again. If I do, I will be right back in the same place and each time it will get exponentially more difficult. I absolutely know that I am truly the only one responsible for me not drinking ever again and I communicate this to her as well.
Your husband sounds like a good guy and he supports you. Non-alcoholics just don't understand what it's like to be the way we are. We're the experts and we have to educate them, patiently and lovingly. Think about how long it took us to get it.

trachemys

No, non-alcoholics don't get it.

They have A drink. Maybe a second. And that's all they want of that feeling. As I told my sister one day when she suggested she would drive and I could have a beer: That's just lighting the kindling. The fire comes.

But, they can't understand. They can't comprehend. It's alien to them.

And death to us.

So, keep telling them NO. I can't drink. I'm allergic. Whatever works.