Class Of March 2018 Support Thread - Part Three
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Originally Posted by Plenny 
One thing that came to me while we were laughing and talking was that I wouldn’t be having this much fun if I was drunk.
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Good Morning, invisible friends. Hope everyone has a pleasant day.
I find myself in a bit of a "funk". I'm feeling very wobbly about this whole drinking thing. I still feel like I am in the danger zone. I am fighting really hard to not give in. I am definitely playing the tape forward when these thoughts come, to those awful hangovers, the withdrawal symptoms and all that. Yet, the urge is still pulling me toward that place.
I also feel very inadequate. I feel bad that I can't "fix this". When I read back over my old posts for the past several years (I changed screen names this time around because I could not stand to look at my "join date" being sooooo far back), I see how long I have been at this and it makes me feel bad. Can anyone relate to that?
Sometimes I feel that reading back over all the old posts hurts rather than helps. Last night all this really got into my head and made me very sad.
Ah well. Just wanted to get that out this morning.
I find myself in a bit of a "funk". I'm feeling very wobbly about this whole drinking thing. I still feel like I am in the danger zone. I am fighting really hard to not give in. I am definitely playing the tape forward when these thoughts come, to those awful hangovers, the withdrawal symptoms and all that. Yet, the urge is still pulling me toward that place.
I also feel very inadequate. I feel bad that I can't "fix this". When I read back over my old posts for the past several years (I changed screen names this time around because I could not stand to look at my "join date" being sooooo far back), I see how long I have been at this and it makes me feel bad. Can anyone relate to that?
Sometimes I feel that reading back over all the old posts hurts rather than helps. Last night all this really got into my head and made me very sad.
Ah well. Just wanted to get that out this morning.
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Hi LHW, I know what you mean about reading past posts. I know that you can ride this feeling out though. It's really unfair that we are psychologically structured by societal constraints to believe that we are somehow morally inept or unable to do our jobs as humans because we have this problem. There are a lot of big lies out there and this is one of them.
I woke up to the beginning of day 7, counting days here. Seems like a drop in the ocean. I'm annoyed at myself for other reasons today, mainly that I'm so behind on my art and on the things that matter so much to me because of my slip last week. It just doesn't work anymore!
I'm holding fast to the fact that I am a better person without this booze thing that controls the better part of the human world. I will not be controlled.
My friend posted a picture of his 5 year chip yesterday, and he said, "5 years. The most psychedelic experience of my life." I intend to view my quest through his method. I want to accept this new adventure and completely deprioritize this stupid, costly, nullifying substance.
I woke up to the beginning of day 7, counting days here. Seems like a drop in the ocean. I'm annoyed at myself for other reasons today, mainly that I'm so behind on my art and on the things that matter so much to me because of my slip last week. It just doesn't work anymore!
I'm holding fast to the fact that I am a better person without this booze thing that controls the better part of the human world. I will not be controlled.
My friend posted a picture of his 5 year chip yesterday, and he said, "5 years. The most psychedelic experience of my life." I intend to view my quest through his method. I want to accept this new adventure and completely deprioritize this stupid, costly, nullifying substance.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
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Aww Plenny, I will have a large bowl of ice cream indeed, thank you. I have so much to do in the next 48 hours, it isn't even funny. I'm starting to think coffee is going the way of alcohol and isn't working for my brain anymore either. I've had about a gallon and still want to nap.
LHW, I only have one go around at SR before this one. I only made one thread and I had forgotten about it. When I saw it recently it was very destructive. I was so upset that it was from 2013, before I got my DUI, so many wasted years. I didn't even try between 2014 and 2017. I didn't even remember recognizing I had those DT's or had a problem. I carried on for several more years, trying to justify my drinking. I think I will only look back again in a desperate situation. I would rather post here or make a new thread if I need help with urges. I totally get it. You are not inadequate. You have had lots of sober victories here there and in between. Just because we stumble and get stuck in the rut for a bit doesn't discount previous progress. Long term sobriety is attainable with lots of work, I believe. What kinds of things are you doing to help with your urges? Maybe get some books on sobriety? To keep you busy and encourage you? I definitely recommend "a happier hour" by Rebecca Weller. It was a quick read and so encouraging and motivating.
Plenny, you'll catch up on your art. Give yourself some credit for the past few days! Be patient and kind with yourself. We're only human and being sober and at peace with ourselves takes a little bit of energy, especially at the beginning. Besides a few slips, most of us are reaching or exceeding 90 days and people (in AA) tell me this is when our heads are just starting to clear. We have so much to look forward to if we stay sober. Don't quit before the miracle happens (those AA sayings are kinda catchy haha).
LHW, I only have one go around at SR before this one. I only made one thread and I had forgotten about it. When I saw it recently it was very destructive. I was so upset that it was from 2013, before I got my DUI, so many wasted years. I didn't even try between 2014 and 2017. I didn't even remember recognizing I had those DT's or had a problem. I carried on for several more years, trying to justify my drinking. I think I will only look back again in a desperate situation. I would rather post here or make a new thread if I need help with urges. I totally get it. You are not inadequate. You have had lots of sober victories here there and in between. Just because we stumble and get stuck in the rut for a bit doesn't discount previous progress. Long term sobriety is attainable with lots of work, I believe. What kinds of things are you doing to help with your urges? Maybe get some books on sobriety? To keep you busy and encourage you? I definitely recommend "a happier hour" by Rebecca Weller. It was a quick read and so encouraging and motivating.
Plenny, you'll catch up on your art. Give yourself some credit for the past few days! Be patient and kind with yourself. We're only human and being sober and at peace with ourselves takes a little bit of energy, especially at the beginning. Besides a few slips, most of us are reaching or exceeding 90 days and people (in AA) tell me this is when our heads are just starting to clear. We have so much to look forward to if we stay sober. Don't quit before the miracle happens (those AA sayings are kinda catchy haha).
we need you here in our class please
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Thank you GBE and Plenny. I appreciate your comments. I know you both get it.
This is indeed hard. And to answer your specific question GBE, I have so many books about stopping drinking, spiritualism, biographies of alcoholics who have stopped, rational recovery, the big book, more self-help books, too numerous to name, and I am actually sick of reading them.
I really think I need to just stop reading all this crap and take a step backwards and reevaluate who I am. I am very self-aware and realize very much where all the triggers are, and where they come from. I actually think I need to start working on those issues rather than trying to fight urges, if that makes any sense. I think only once I can confront these issues head on, will the urges and cravings stop. Someone once told me that I am the “most self-aware individual” they ever met in their life. I have to say I agree with that. But I’m also the best person at pretending all those issues don’t exist.
Anyway that’s all for now. I am thinking of taking just a little sabbatical from SR, and from reading all the self-help books that have taken over my nightstand, and really try to just get to the bottom of this other emotional stuff. Go back to therapy. Get to the root of the problem. As they say, back to the basics.
Also, if anyone listens to podcasts take a listen to podcast number 170 I think it is on the Recovery Elevator. . Very interesting podcast. Has to do with a lot of what I just wrote about.
I won’t disappear completely. You’ll still hear from me. I don’t want anyone to worry if I go MIA a little bit. In fact, it makes me smile to think someone would actually notice if I went MIA. More than I can say for my own family.
This is indeed hard. And to answer your specific question GBE, I have so many books about stopping drinking, spiritualism, biographies of alcoholics who have stopped, rational recovery, the big book, more self-help books, too numerous to name, and I am actually sick of reading them.
I really think I need to just stop reading all this crap and take a step backwards and reevaluate who I am. I am very self-aware and realize very much where all the triggers are, and where they come from. I actually think I need to start working on those issues rather than trying to fight urges, if that makes any sense. I think only once I can confront these issues head on, will the urges and cravings stop. Someone once told me that I am the “most self-aware individual” they ever met in their life. I have to say I agree with that. But I’m also the best person at pretending all those issues don’t exist.
Anyway that’s all for now. I am thinking of taking just a little sabbatical from SR, and from reading all the self-help books that have taken over my nightstand, and really try to just get to the bottom of this other emotional stuff. Go back to therapy. Get to the root of the problem. As they say, back to the basics.
Also, if anyone listens to podcasts take a listen to podcast number 170 I think it is on the Recovery Elevator. . Very interesting podcast. Has to do with a lot of what I just wrote about.
I won’t disappear completely. You’ll still hear from me. I don’t want anyone to worry if I go MIA a little bit. In fact, it makes me smile to think someone would actually notice if I went MIA. More than I can say for my own family.
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I dunno LHW....i had a lot of long standing issues too, and a lot of reasons to drink.
I tried solving those issues but I discovered I'd also become an alcoholic over the 20 years I drank.
After a while not solving those underlying issues simply becaome another reason to drink.
I think we have to deal with both - issues and drinking.
I found the only way I could really get to grips with those issues was to get sober and stay that way.,
It was hard - very hard - there were things I DID NOT want to face - but I found facing them was less scary than the fear of facing them if that makes sense.
You'll always find support here - and sometimes a good doctor or counsellor can help too.
While I was drinking, even sporadically, my mind was not 'right'.
I needed to quit completely to re-discover the real me and deal with that underlying stuff..
Just my .02
D
I tried solving those issues but I discovered I'd also become an alcoholic over the 20 years I drank.
After a while not solving those underlying issues simply becaome another reason to drink.
I think we have to deal with both - issues and drinking.
I found the only way I could really get to grips with those issues was to get sober and stay that way.,
It was hard - very hard - there were things I DID NOT want to face - but I found facing them was less scary than the fear of facing them if that makes sense.
You'll always find support here - and sometimes a good doctor or counsellor can help too.
While I was drinking, even sporadically, my mind was not 'right'.
I needed to quit completely to re-discover the real me and deal with that underlying stuff..
Just my .02
D
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
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I understand. What works for me doesnt work for everyone. Sorry for sounding like I'm assuming you aren't doing anything to work on your recovery. I didn't mean it like that! I can be and/or sound really ignorant sometimes. Maybe you need a trip to a foreign land or something! Something to take you outside of yourself and to experience new things and not be self aware? And not a work trip either. I'm sure you know what's best for you. I hope you have a good sabbatical. I will miss you!
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We'll miss you LHW. I hope you mean that you will be shifting focus but not allowing drinking... I understand the risky sounding strategy of working on other root issues, but I do think Dee is right... Anyway. Sometimes the self help stuff does get overwhelming and it seems like only time can really help. I wish you luck in changing up your focus
Had a bit of an annoying night at work. Just other people's defensiveness and silly judgement and slight inconsideracies (if that's a word). No big deal. But I conclude that everyone can shove off for the evening so I can be alone and happy. They're all thinking of themselves, so will I.
I spent the morning cleaning and spraying for fleas. It's an obnoxious part of living in this part of the country. The vet told me I'm doing everything I can and to keep it up but stop stressing. I can only control them to a certain level.
I do miss making art and feel very behind. But thank you GBE, I will try to also stop stressing about this. It's hard to be an artist, it's not like I can just do my work, I have to play so many roles just to survive so I can make my art. It's rough but that's what I am.
I am officially 7 days clean and sober. I feel like that initial detox is out and now the next phase begins, whatever that is. I am much more mild mannered. I love being mild mannered. I mean, I'll never probably be a totally mellow person but I enjoy feeling even keeled. Maybe I can start focusing on my eating again. I'm usually a very healthy eater
Had a bit of an annoying night at work. Just other people's defensiveness and silly judgement and slight inconsideracies (if that's a word). No big deal. But I conclude that everyone can shove off for the evening so I can be alone and happy. They're all thinking of themselves, so will I.
I spent the morning cleaning and spraying for fleas. It's an obnoxious part of living in this part of the country. The vet told me I'm doing everything I can and to keep it up but stop stressing. I can only control them to a certain level.
I do miss making art and feel very behind. But thank you GBE, I will try to also stop stressing about this. It's hard to be an artist, it's not like I can just do my work, I have to play so many roles just to survive so I can make my art. It's rough but that's what I am.
I am officially 7 days clean and sober. I feel like that initial detox is out and now the next phase begins, whatever that is. I am much more mild mannered. I love being mild mannered. I mean, I'll never probably be a totally mellow person but I enjoy feeling even keeled. Maybe I can start focusing on my eating again. I'm usually a very healthy eater
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Hi all, Thanks for the kind words.
I intend to stay fully sober, I didn’t mean to sound like I was going to start to drink again when I said I wasn’t going to fight the urges anymore. What I mean is I am spending so much time fighting them that I am not paying attention to what’s really causing them and addressing them. It’s hard to explain. I fight the urges but it’s not wanting a drink I am fighting, it’s the actual triggering thought I am fighting. I want the thought to stop, the subject matter.
And GBE, no apology needed. I was not at all offended by your comments. So I apologize to you if I gave you that impression.
Yesterday I was cleaning out several drawers and I was just stunned by the amount of books I have regarding quitting drinking and all that stuff. It was almost like a lightbulb went off in my head at that very moment because I now know exactly what my triggers are and I know exactly what I need to do to stop them. Heck I don’t really like the taste of alcohol, wine, vodka whatever, I really truly don’t.
I’ve learned a whole lot this time around. I really like being sober and I intend to stay that way. I just need a break from “all things recovery” if that makes any sense.
I will check back in on my next upcoming milestone which will be 30 days. I think I will be on a work trip then.
Have a pleasant day, friends!
I intend to stay fully sober, I didn’t mean to sound like I was going to start to drink again when I said I wasn’t going to fight the urges anymore. What I mean is I am spending so much time fighting them that I am not paying attention to what’s really causing them and addressing them. It’s hard to explain. I fight the urges but it’s not wanting a drink I am fighting, it’s the actual triggering thought I am fighting. I want the thought to stop, the subject matter.
And GBE, no apology needed. I was not at all offended by your comments. So I apologize to you if I gave you that impression.
Yesterday I was cleaning out several drawers and I was just stunned by the amount of books I have regarding quitting drinking and all that stuff. It was almost like a lightbulb went off in my head at that very moment because I now know exactly what my triggers are and I know exactly what I need to do to stop them. Heck I don’t really like the taste of alcohol, wine, vodka whatever, I really truly don’t.
I’ve learned a whole lot this time around. I really like being sober and I intend to stay that way. I just need a break from “all things recovery” if that makes any sense.
I will check back in on my next upcoming milestone which will be 30 days. I think I will be on a work trip then.
Have a pleasant day, friends!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
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Send some of that healthy eating this way, Plenny! That sucks about the fleas. That's a big constant annoyance if they are always biting. I hate flea bites. Hope your co-workers get their attitudes in check soon.
Yall, I'm done! Had to meet with my boss and co-worker before I left work and left there feeling very guilty. The whole tone of the meeting made me feel very at fault and like I had failed. Stopped by my sponsor's and she made me feel much better. She reminded me its managements fault, I wasn't staffed properly, an undertaking like this takes months of planning and my supplies should have been bought and ready for me instead of spending my own money on it. So I'm going to get to packing and cleaning and try to enjoy my trip and get ready for a new chapter in life.
I'm very excited about traveling sober. In the past I would have been anxious and consumed with making sure we have enough money to drink, hoping I could maintain my alcohol levels and not show signs of withdrawals or sickness. We'd probably come home exhausted, unhappy and broke. Now, I will be in the moment and not have to worry about finances as much. I am bummed that I am finally going to a state where weed is legal and will not be partaking. I've dreamed about doing that since I was 18. Oh well! I want to be present and clearheaded so no dispensaries for me. Hope y'all are having a good night.
Yall, I'm done! Had to meet with my boss and co-worker before I left work and left there feeling very guilty. The whole tone of the meeting made me feel very at fault and like I had failed. Stopped by my sponsor's and she made me feel much better. She reminded me its managements fault, I wasn't staffed properly, an undertaking like this takes months of planning and my supplies should have been bought and ready for me instead of spending my own money on it. So I'm going to get to packing and cleaning and try to enjoy my trip and get ready for a new chapter in life.
I'm very excited about traveling sober. In the past I would have been anxious and consumed with making sure we have enough money to drink, hoping I could maintain my alcohol levels and not show signs of withdrawals or sickness. We'd probably come home exhausted, unhappy and broke. Now, I will be in the moment and not have to worry about finances as much. I am bummed that I am finally going to a state where weed is legal and will not be partaking. I've dreamed about doing that since I was 18. Oh well! I want to be present and clearheaded so no dispensaries for me. Hope y'all are having a good night.
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Great to hear that LHW, you worded it much better than I but I think you're on to something.
GBE you did it! And you are going on vacation and you have a job to come back to! That's great
So... last night I didn't mention this because it was stressing me out a bit and I was trying not to let the feeling in. But, my Bf was not communicating last night or letting me know if he was coming over or whatnot. It's rare we don't tell each other where we are or what's going on, and we very rarely don't say goodnight. He was just silent though. I knew what happened, I knew he got drunk early and fell asleep at 9:00 or so. But I worried. He's been acting closed off and odd for days. I texted him and said goodnight and said I was worried. This morning I awoke to some very early morning texts saying:
"Sorry I can't get out of this drinking circle, I'm back in the throws of my bingeing."
"I'm not as happy as I want to be sorry"
I was texting him back at 7am when I felt someone touch my leg and I turned around and he was here in my room. I sleep with earplugs and an eye mask so I had been oblivious. He has keys to my place and my doors are open to him. I reached out to hug him and he apologized for leaving me in the dark and shutting me out. He said he fell asleep drunk and early (as I suspected), and when he woke up at 5 am ish, he missed me and realized he hadn't communicated with me and had probably hurt my feelings. So he got dressed and drove over to my house to spend the morning with me and take me to work. I was awash with feelings. Feeling so much empathy for what he is going through with drinking. Feeling helpless knowing there's nothing I can do to push him. Feeling relief that he is ok. Feeling good that he addressed his mistake and apologized. I'm not angry with him. I see that he knows he has a problem and I see him trying to figure out what to do. I noticed my own calmness, and directly related that to my sobriety. I didn't blow up or freak out or panic. I just hugged him and gave him some straight talk. Whatever this is that's going on, I still love him and want to be here for him. Gotta just be careful with myself. I walked into work feeling actually very positive about this, like it was a breakthrough. Maybe I can not only lead by example (for someone who I think clearly knows the issue at hand) but I can also be more empathetic and supportive because my own sobriety allows me to have a much more even keel.
What do you guys think.
GBE you did it! And you are going on vacation and you have a job to come back to! That's great
So... last night I didn't mention this because it was stressing me out a bit and I was trying not to let the feeling in. But, my Bf was not communicating last night or letting me know if he was coming over or whatnot. It's rare we don't tell each other where we are or what's going on, and we very rarely don't say goodnight. He was just silent though. I knew what happened, I knew he got drunk early and fell asleep at 9:00 or so. But I worried. He's been acting closed off and odd for days. I texted him and said goodnight and said I was worried. This morning I awoke to some very early morning texts saying:
"Sorry I can't get out of this drinking circle, I'm back in the throws of my bingeing."
"I'm not as happy as I want to be sorry"
I was texting him back at 7am when I felt someone touch my leg and I turned around and he was here in my room. I sleep with earplugs and an eye mask so I had been oblivious. He has keys to my place and my doors are open to him. I reached out to hug him and he apologized for leaving me in the dark and shutting me out. He said he fell asleep drunk and early (as I suspected), and when he woke up at 5 am ish, he missed me and realized he hadn't communicated with me and had probably hurt my feelings. So he got dressed and drove over to my house to spend the morning with me and take me to work. I was awash with feelings. Feeling so much empathy for what he is going through with drinking. Feeling helpless knowing there's nothing I can do to push him. Feeling relief that he is ok. Feeling good that he addressed his mistake and apologized. I'm not angry with him. I see that he knows he has a problem and I see him trying to figure out what to do. I noticed my own calmness, and directly related that to my sobriety. I didn't blow up or freak out or panic. I just hugged him and gave him some straight talk. Whatever this is that's going on, I still love him and want to be here for him. Gotta just be careful with myself. I walked into work feeling actually very positive about this, like it was a breakthrough. Maybe I can not only lead by example (for someone who I think clearly knows the issue at hand) but I can also be more empathetic and supportive because my own sobriety allows me to have a much more even keel.
What do you guys think.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Wow, what a win for you. I feel for him too. And it's amazing how sobriety can give you the tools to handle such a situation with love and compassion. You will be the shining example of what sobriety can do for you. Let him see it work in you and i bet he will want to follow. I didn't realize that he had a problem or knew he had a problem. That's a win in itself. I think you handled it beautifully. He apologized for leaving you in the dark, which was important. I remember texting my bf often when he was out of town working and he wouldn't reply because he had fallen asleep early drunk. I would get so angry and upset and let it ruin my days and nights (I was of course also drinking). I'm glad you're feeling positive about the whole thing, I think you should be.
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It's rough. Tonight after yoga I called him and he was drunk again. His problem is bad. He's stuck in his cycle again. It triggered me on the phone when he was sloppy and not listening to me and I got really annoyed. So I'm not dealing well in this moment I suppose. I'm not blowing up and letting it ruin everything but I am feeling down and called his voicemail to leave two messages about how I wish we had had a better conversation and I just needed a better "goodnight." I know we will be ok and not on the outs about this but I am watching his spiral and he isn't doing anything about it right now. I truly dislike his drunk personality. I am totally in love with his genuine self, and yes his sober self.
Ugh I can see he is reading my texts but he didn't pick up the phone when I called to try to have a better closing to the day. I believe he is just drunk and probably avoiding/not wanting to perpetuate any emotional exchange in case we fight. I do not want to fight.
This may sound silly. But, two years ago he was struggling to quit doing cocaine. And over this past two years he has taken substantial breaks from drinking. This is slow progression, but there is progression. I know it can take a long time.
If we are going to do this, I need to not hit my panic button.
I still have no desire to drink, he's not making me want to. Quite the opposite actually.
Ugh I can see he is reading my texts but he didn't pick up the phone when I called to try to have a better closing to the day. I believe he is just drunk and probably avoiding/not wanting to perpetuate any emotional exchange in case we fight. I do not want to fight.
This may sound silly. But, two years ago he was struggling to quit doing cocaine. And over this past two years he has taken substantial breaks from drinking. This is slow progression, but there is progression. I know it can take a long time.
If we are going to do this, I need to not hit my panic button.
I still have no desire to drink, he's not making me want to. Quite the opposite actually.
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Ok he just called me. Had a much better goodnight. He is how he is for the night. I have never seen him like this through sober eyes. We always do this together. It is a bit shocking. I must protect myself even if that means being wiser about what I see and hear. I have one year to put the pieces together and see if I can live with this man and make a life together.
I feel like my interaction with him will be really important in my own process. Thank you all for looking here and reading as a put it all together.
I am very thankful for the honesty in this relationship. We might be chock full of issues but they are all spilled out on the table.
GBE, as always, your empathy is so helpful to me and I feel so much better that you can understand the drunk passing out not calling frustration. I am envious that the two of you have chosen sobriety together. I think we will get there someday. I just think in our case, our stubborn selves just have to do it on our own time and for ourselves. I'm surprised I hit the true wall before he did, honestly!
Thank you thank you thank you
I feel like my interaction with him will be really important in my own process. Thank you all for looking here and reading as a put it all together.
I am very thankful for the honesty in this relationship. We might be chock full of issues but they are all spilled out on the table.
GBE, as always, your empathy is so helpful to me and I feel so much better that you can understand the drunk passing out not calling frustration. I am envious that the two of you have chosen sobriety together. I think we will get there someday. I just think in our case, our stubborn selves just have to do it on our own time and for ourselves. I'm surprised I hit the true wall before he did, honestly!
Thank you thank you thank you
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