Dad is sick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Dad is sick
i am a complete mess. My Mum just phoned, my Dad has a skin cancer on his head that the Drs are ‘really worried about’, biopsy tomorrow.
I know about staying positive and not worrying about what I don’t know, that is not the issue. It has triggered a PTSD reaction in me and I am writing here to try to just help.
I was living in New York When I was pregnant with my first child (my husband and I went through fertility treatment, SO excited that is worked) my 44 year old husband had some gastric issues. Two months of tests, always being reasurred it was nothing serious, he was eventually diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, back then it had a 95% mortality rate. Luckily he could have surgery, only 10% of patients can. Unfortunately he had a bad reaction to the anesthetic and while they got the cancer, he ended up in a coma for three months. He had several more surgeries, I had to make life and death decisions for him all the time. Was told to say goodbye so many times, literally walked in on them resussciating him more than once - all while pregnant.
Eventually he came out of the coma and was awake for 3weeks, our son was born and he got to hold him. He needed one more surgery to get home, he had a rare blood type. Once again he had a bad reaction and needed transfusions to save him BUT that day was Sept 11 2001, blood reserves were being kept for the expected traumas, it did not get to him in time - he died three weeks after our son was born.
Those were terrible months, the anxiety, fear and a sense of grieving for him even when he was still alive was terrible. I still have a PTSD reaction in hospitals, the smell plunges me back to those dark days.
So this news about my Dad has had a similar trigger. The thought of facing uncertain diagnosis and treatment and knowing how scared he will be has just rocked me. I know he might be fine, I know it may all work out, but believe me I know how things don’t always and I am just plunged into some dark memories.
I’m not considering drinking, but on day 8 it is an added complexity to a fragile stage of sobriety. I do have strategies to deal with PTSD, I have been in counselling in the past and am using them including writing this. I just needed to reach out, sorry this is such a miserable message.
I know about staying positive and not worrying about what I don’t know, that is not the issue. It has triggered a PTSD reaction in me and I am writing here to try to just help.
I was living in New York When I was pregnant with my first child (my husband and I went through fertility treatment, SO excited that is worked) my 44 year old husband had some gastric issues. Two months of tests, always being reasurred it was nothing serious, he was eventually diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, back then it had a 95% mortality rate. Luckily he could have surgery, only 10% of patients can. Unfortunately he had a bad reaction to the anesthetic and while they got the cancer, he ended up in a coma for three months. He had several more surgeries, I had to make life and death decisions for him all the time. Was told to say goodbye so many times, literally walked in on them resussciating him more than once - all while pregnant.
Eventually he came out of the coma and was awake for 3weeks, our son was born and he got to hold him. He needed one more surgery to get home, he had a rare blood type. Once again he had a bad reaction and needed transfusions to save him BUT that day was Sept 11 2001, blood reserves were being kept for the expected traumas, it did not get to him in time - he died three weeks after our son was born.
Those were terrible months, the anxiety, fear and a sense of grieving for him even when he was still alive was terrible. I still have a PTSD reaction in hospitals, the smell plunges me back to those dark days.
So this news about my Dad has had a similar trigger. The thought of facing uncertain diagnosis and treatment and knowing how scared he will be has just rocked me. I know he might be fine, I know it may all work out, but believe me I know how things don’t always and I am just plunged into some dark memories.
I’m not considering drinking, but on day 8 it is an added complexity to a fragile stage of sobriety. I do have strategies to deal with PTSD, I have been in counselling in the past and am using them including writing this. I just needed to reach out, sorry this is such a miserable message.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi Scotty,
I'm sorry for what you have been through with your late husband, and it's understandable that PTSD is an issue. The best thing you can do right now is to stay sober and send good thoughts and prayers to your Dad. I hope you get some good news from your family very soon.
I'm sorry for what you have been through with your late husband, and it's understandable that PTSD is an issue. The best thing you can do right now is to stay sober and send good thoughts and prayers to your Dad. I hope you get some good news from your family very soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry for your loss and I understand that your dads biopsy is triggering.
Drinking will change nothing tho and would only erode your ability to cope.
They can do wonderful things these days - my uncle is in his 70s and a skin cancer survivor from 2 years ago now.
You have thousands of people here wishing you and your dad well Scotty
D
Drinking will change nothing tho and would only erode your ability to cope.
They can do wonderful things these days - my uncle is in his 70s and a skin cancer survivor from 2 years ago now.
You have thousands of people here wishing you and your dad well Scotty
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,279
Please don't drink over this.. I work in an area at a hospital in NZ where lots of patients come through with skin cancers, the majority become survivors, depending on the type of skin cancer.. My mum is also a survivor.
Wait to see what the result is then go from there..
Wait to see what the result is then go from there..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 325
Thanks so much for the replies everyone. I’m not going to drink over this, at this moment the thought of drinking sickens me. I need to be present and available for my family. I promise to come right here if the urge comes over me.
Thank you Red for your insights, we don’t know what kind yet, he is 85 so there are obviously risk factors there too, but he is otherwise healthy. It is the waiting to find out what we are dealing with that is hard and triggering for me, once we know the kind of fight we are in then it is easier to have a plan. I know from past experience there is a cancer voice (cv) too and it can give the av voice a run for its money when it comes to taking up space in your head.
Thank you Red for your insights, we don’t know what kind yet, he is 85 so there are obviously risk factors there too, but he is otherwise healthy. It is the waiting to find out what we are dealing with that is hard and triggering for me, once we know the kind of fight we are in then it is easier to have a plan. I know from past experience there is a cancer voice (cv) too and it can give the av voice a run for its money when it comes to taking up space in your head.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So sorry for your father's health issues, and of course what you've already been through.
You know, I reckon that it's well worth getting that counselling back in place. Maybe even with your old counsellor if at all possible, but if not, someone new. Fear tends to be all-consuming with a lot of us As. And this is big. And you want to be able to be there for your Dad. Please, reach out and do what you can to get some sessions lined up asap. They could make all the difference.
BB
You know, I reckon that it's well worth getting that counselling back in place. Maybe even with your old counsellor if at all possible, but if not, someone new. Fear tends to be all-consuming with a lot of us As. And this is big. And you want to be able to be there for your Dad. Please, reach out and do what you can to get some sessions lined up asap. They could make all the difference.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I am so sorry for all you have been through, and so glad you found us, and are here posting.
I will keep your dad in my prayers tomorrow. If going to the hospital is too much of a trigger don't go. I am sure your mom will understand, meet her at s coffee shop nearby the hospital, and be there for her and your dad after they find out what is going on.
If you do end up at the hospital, and need a place to regroup I have found the chapel a place where I can just sit quietly. If your dad does end up admitted, and you will be there for a bit make sure to schedule some walks to clear your head.
Check in here as often as you need. Sending lots of love and prayers for you and your family. ❤️
I will keep your dad in my prayers tomorrow. If going to the hospital is too much of a trigger don't go. I am sure your mom will understand, meet her at s coffee shop nearby the hospital, and be there for her and your dad after they find out what is going on.
If you do end up at the hospital, and need a place to regroup I have found the chapel a place where I can just sit quietly. If your dad does end up admitted, and you will be there for a bit make sure to schedule some walks to clear your head.
Check in here as often as you need. Sending lots of love and prayers for you and your family. ❤️
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