Feeling lonely and fighting with spouse.
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Feeling lonely and fighting with spouse.
Ever since I quit drinking I’ve been feeling lonely. I go to bed very early which I find is one of the easiest ways for me to resist the temptation of going to the store for a bottle of wine once the kids fall asleep. I can tell it’s bothering my husband because that is really the only alone time we have. We seem to argue constantly lately. My sex drive is completely gone. When I do stay up after the kids go to bed, I usually do yoga as a anxiety release. It just seems like every part of our marriage is different now. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. Now that I’m sober during the day I notice all of the little things he does that I don’t agree with, is rudeness and sarcasm with me and the kids is more noticeable to me. It just seems like our marriage isn’t the same without the rose colored glasses of booze. Does anyone have experience? Maybe it’s just a passing phase? Maybe I should attempt at least 1 AA meeting and see if it helps to socialize with people who understand me. I’ve just been really sad and lonely lately.
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Yes, it changes the dynamic of the marriage. Ours was much more peaceful, but I had no desire to go out, no desire for sex and zero libido, no desire to go downstairs and watch a movie with him, nothing. I went through the motions with some of this to keep the relationship together...intimacy at least once a week, went out when I knew it meant something to him, watched a couple movies with him when I didn't want to....and now a lot of that is coming back naturally in a different way. Less chaos, less frenzy, a more calm and rational approach to our interaction with one another. It takes a lot of time. I'm not totally back. In fact the woman I was is dead. I'm becoming someone different, a different version of myself. It takes a lot of courage to morph into someone different to change, and to save, your life. I'm just needing to believe that I can shift things as I walk along to fit a life that is satisfying and peaceful for me and for my family.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, SickInLove.
I think that it isn't unusual for a marriage or relationship to change when one of the partners stops drinking.
You have been living in your marriage in a certain way. Now you’re not.
Perhaps he is dealing with anger and resentment from your drinking, and is having some trouble with that.
And you are seeing some traits in him that aren’t sitting too well.
Assume you and he have talked about it? Has that been helpful?
I think that it isn't unusual for a marriage or relationship to change when one of the partners stops drinking.
You have been living in your marriage in a certain way. Now you’re not.
Perhaps he is dealing with anger and resentment from your drinking, and is having some trouble with that.
And you are seeing some traits in him that aren’t sitting too well.
Assume you and he have talked about it? Has that been helpful?
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My husband actually doesn’t know how much I struggled with drinking. He was definitely my go to drinking buddy but I don’t know if he know just HOW MUCH I was drinking. I was fairly secretive about it although I can’t help but think it was obvious. He works early so at night he would go to bed and I’d stay up getting black out drunk until 2 am. I work 4 nights a week and everyone is sleeping when I get home so id start drinking on my way home (stupid I know) at my worse point I was drinking vodka all day after I took the kids to school. So I guess the point of my rambling is that we aren’t great with communication. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids under 6. He works a lot.. we aren’t home together a lot and when we are the kids keep us busy. We just bought our first home and it seems like everything to do with it is a argument between us. He treats me like I’m a idiot when I make any suggestions... I’m too exhausted with dealing with my sobriety to deal with it or argue. I’m only on my third week sober, I relapsed on New Year’s Eve. I’m just hoping things get easier. I wish I had more support, that’s why I’m so thankful for SR.
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My husband gets super critical and irritable when his needs aren't met. Even when he understands why they aren't being met, he still feels that way. Don't forget in much of western culture men have never been allowed to show any emotion except happiness or anger, so sadness, fear and loneliness come out as irritability.
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Originally Posted by SickInLove 
Ever since I quit drinking I’ve been feeling lonely. I go to bed very early which I find is one of the easiest ways for me to resist the temptation of going to the store for a bottle of wine once the kids fall asleep. I can tell it’s bothering my husband because that is really the only alone time we have. We seem to argue constantly lately. My sex drive is completely gone. When I do stay up after the kids go to bed, I usually do yoga as a anxiety release. It just seems like every part of our marriage is different now. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. Now that I’m sober during the day I notice all of the little things he does that I don’t agree with, is rudeness and sarcasm with me and the kids is more noticeable to me. It just seems like our marriage isn’t the same without the rose colored glasses of booze. Does anyone have experience? Maybe it’s just a passing phase? Maybe I should attempt at least 1 AA meeting and see if it helps to socialize with people who understand me. I’ve just been really sad and lonely lately.
Remember the word HALT. Dont get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
And yes I think you should at least try an AA meeting. I also wouldn't rule out marriage counseling or seeing a counselor for yourself, even if it's just to get you over this early sobriety hump you're going through.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Sounds like you both have a lot on your plates.
Agree that right now your sobriety is the most important thing.
Three weeks is pretty early days. Your body is readjusting after the relapse.
Give it time. Take good care.
Try to get as much sleep as you can, eat when you are hungry, gentle stretching is always good, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
Agree that right now your sobriety is the most important thing.
Three weeks is pretty early days. Your body is readjusting after the relapse.
Give it time. Take good care.
Try to get as much sleep as you can, eat when you are hungry, gentle stretching is always good, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
My husband gets super critical and irritable when his needs aren't met. Even when he understands why they aren't being met, he still feels that way. Don't forget in much of western culture men have never been allowed to show any emotion except happiness or anger, so sadness, fear and loneliness come out as irritability.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Mac4711
Yep, that’s how we roll. Emotional awareness is not our strong suit, lol!
Haha...I've been married 21 years.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by SickInLove
Ever since I quit drinking I’ve been feeling lonely. . . . Does anyone have experience? Maybe it’s just a passing phase? Maybe I should attempt at least 1 AA meeting and see if it helps to socialize with people who understand me. I’ve just been really sad and lonely lately.
I now know I never have to be alone again, either.
Try one. Try a couple different ones. Not all groups are the same. What do you have to lose?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 13
I'm feeling the same way. Everything annoys me, like being sober I am so much more clear headed to see the things that are wrong in our marriage. Before getting sober I always thought everything was my fault (because SO much of it was) but now I see we both have failures and I'm no longer this sad, apologetic, submissive, wife. I have a voice which he's not use too. I don't blame him for being confused. It feels as if we need to learn how to love each other all over again. FYI like you I'm very newly sober and although we drank together I don't believe he had an idea of exactly how much I was drinking.
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Location: New York, NY
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Maybe I should attempt at least 1 AA meeting and see if it helps to socialize with people who understand me
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Your husband sounds lonely. The rudeness and sarcasm is coming from a place of fear and loneliness. Show him physical affection and go through the motions of being a couple even if you don't feel like it, it will reassure him, and he will become more congenial. I felt really rough in early sobriety and I felt nothing but I acted like I did because I knew he needed me still. Then feelings slowly came back.
I really believe that when we quit drinking our spouses are afraid we won't like them through the clear lens of sobriety. Try just showing him love, even when he's being a pain. We do it for our kids...we can do it for our spouses too. Sometimes, in adulthood we feel just as lost as kids do.
I really believe that when we quit drinking our spouses are afraid we won't like them through the clear lens of sobriety. Try just showing him love, even when he's being a pain. We do it for our kids...we can do it for our spouses too. Sometimes, in adulthood we feel just as lost as kids do.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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The acronym HALT comes to mind--don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I prefer evening AA meetings to avoid being home with my spouse who basically ignores me now. We haven't had ANY kind of intimacy in over 2.5 years. Going a few nights a week too some AA or Celebrate Recovery meetings will ease your lonliness and defuse your anger to.
Originally Posted by SickInLove
Ever since I quit drinking I’ve been feeling lonely. I go to bed very early which I find is one of the easiest ways for me to resist the temptation of going to the store for a bottle of wine once the kids fall asleep. I can tell it’s bothering my husband because that is really the only alone time we have. We seem to argue constantly lately. My sex drive is completely gone. When I do stay up after the kids go to bed, I usually do yoga as a anxiety release. It just seems like every part of our marriage is different now. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. Now that I’m sober during the day I notice all of the little things he does that I don’t agree with, is rudeness and sarcasm with me and the kids is more noticeable to me. It just seems like our marriage isn’t the same without the rose colored glasses of booze. Does anyone have experience? Maybe it’s just a passing phase? Maybe I should attempt at least 1 AA meeting and see if it helps to socialize with people who understand me. I’ve just been really sad and lonely lately.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Conflict with loved ones is natural when sobering up. Just don't let resentment settle in. That's deadly for us.
The weekend I quit drinking my girlfriend of 5 years Broke up with me. 6 months later I was so happy about that. For five years I dated and loved a women that was completely wrong for me. Sobriety works in mysterious ways. Just give it a chance.
Don't do anything your not comfortable with regarding your relationship. Just develop a plan for staying sober and stick with it. If your husband really loves you he will step up his game for the family while you work your plan. That doesn't ignore him, it just means sobriety comes first. The rest will follow.
Hang in there girl. Stay strong.
The weekend I quit drinking my girlfriend of 5 years Broke up with me. 6 months later I was so happy about that. For five years I dated and loved a women that was completely wrong for me. Sobriety works in mysterious ways. Just give it a chance.
Don't do anything your not comfortable with regarding your relationship. Just develop a plan for staying sober and stick with it. If your husband really loves you he will step up his game for the family while you work your plan. That doesn't ignore him, it just means sobriety comes first. The rest will follow.
Hang in there girl. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Thursdays at my AA home group we read from the Big Book. Part of tonight's reading reminded me of this thread, so I'll share it. I know I couldn't improve on it.
Quote from AA 1st edition.
Sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife <husband> or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patience mothers and wives <husbands> have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love . . . . . .
Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love . . . . . .
Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
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