Soulful

Let me tell you why this is so incredibly emotionally hard for me. I was married to a man, I cheated on that man with him. I divorced him and began a relationship with my AH.
It was intense (of course it was). It was thrilling and exciting. It felt good to have fun and I fell in love with him... or the idea that we can have fun and build a family together. I actually grew up.

I chose to be with him.
He is the only man I was faithful to and the only man I truly loved.

But now since this is unfolding, I am starting to see how I fit his criteria to begin with. He was attracted to the toxic part of us. He conquered a married woman.
After he had me, it wasn't exciting to him anymore. The thrill of chasing me and everything that came with it. The moment we got married and we had a child, he found himself in a situation he never wanted to be to begin with. But he didn't want to admit that to himself. So he would sneak out while I fell asleep from being exhausted of taking care of a newborn by myself and went out, partied, did cocaine, spent his entire money on all this nonsense.
Meanwhile, I spent all my time trying to prove to him that he has a good woman and I was his "saviour".
I took him back 2 times. Every time he had a compelling reason why he changed and how he doesn't want to lose his family. And every single time he came back, it was worse.

And when his marriage is over and I tell him once he leaves, he is no longer welcomed here, he has the nerve to ask me to work together on the marriage. I told him I know everything, about cocaine, about strippers, everything, he still denied it all. He looked straight into my eyes and denied and made up more lies.

After everything that happened between us, he couldn't even at least keep his mouth quiet and not say more lies.

I feel God punished me for cheating on my first husband, so I guess right now, I feel 10 years was a good amount of punishment, because I don't want to suffer anymore. Writing this made me cry and these are the first tears I shed since... ever.

All of this is very painful right now.

Soulful

The experience of cheating on my ex made me realize my mistakes and I vowed to never repeat them again.

I chose to be with my AH and I made a promise to love him with all my heart, through better or worse, no matter what. The problem with that is by making that promise, I also closed my eyes and refused to see the reality of the situation. I wanted to make this marriage work, no matter what.

I didn't want another broken marriage. I didn't want to fail again.
Even when I found he was searching for escorts.
Or empty baggies of cocaine.
Or ecstasy pills in his pockets when I was doing laundry.
Or when he never once helped me with the newborn.
Or when he would go pawn his wedding ring to do cocaine.
Or when he stole money from my ban cards.
Or when he stole Indian jewelry from his mom and blamed me.
Or when he called me a ***** in front of my son. I took that one to heart, because I have nothing to say, I cheated on my ex with him, so I must be one.
Or when he drove my son and I while he was incredibly intoxicated.
Or when he left our son alone crying while he went out partying.
Or the numerous trips to the casino and the money he spent.

I wanted to make it work. I can't make it work anymore. I have nothing left in me but pain.

dandylion

Soulful.....I think that we can all realize what kind of pain that you are in.
don't panic.....take some time to decide what you want to do....
don't beat yourself up too much....
If you have learned your own personal lesson about the hazards of cheating...that is enough. flagellating yourself with excessive guilt will just make you feel worse and will not do one constructive thing for you, in this situation..

Soulful

Yeah. I need couple of days to process all this, but one thing I do know is that, this marriage IS over and I want a divorce.

honeypig

Soulful, sorry to be so late replying, but when you asked me earlier about clarifying my post, I basically was saying this: Everyone has choices. When I find myself in a bad situation, a situation I don't want to be in, I can act like an honest, responsible, accountable adult and do what needs to be done to remove myself from that situation. OR--I can do like your A has and act w/not one shred of integrity or honesty.

Both are choices. And I think you have probably figured this out as you read all the other responses from members.

Regarding the cheating thing--I remember a very, very painful breakup many years ago in which my live-in BF of 5 years was cheating w/a girl who was also cheating on HER BF. A wise friend said to me "if he is cheating to be w/her, and she is cheating to be w/him, how long do you think it will take for them to be cheating on each other? Cheaters cheat..." I think you have learned this very hard lesson for yourself. I don't know that it's God's punishment or anything like that, but it's certainly a lesson learned. As others said, there is no more to be gained from beating yourself up over it. You learned what you learned; make sure that you never forget it.

I'm so sorry for your pain and anger right now, but you are going to be OK, in time.

Hawkeye13

Yes, at this point please forgive yourself and be your own friend here.

Have you looked into how to get your finances absolutely separated ASAP?
This guy is a money pit with expensive habits who is going to most likely
really go off the deep end.

Watch out for things like joint credit card debt, auto insurance liability, etc.
and get that stuff taken care of.

Another visit to the lawyer to get that process started / cleared would be wise.
Can you get him served in Canada? You'll at least know where he is.

So sorry for this--be a strong mama for your son and remember self-care
is very important right now

Soulful

Somehow, throughout this emotional mess, I managed to be very careful and wise and keep my finances separated from him. Actually when he stole over $6000 from me back in 2015, I ensured we have no joint accounts, so I immediately contacted all my banks, credit cards and changed my accounts and removed his name from whatever I had.

We have no joint accounts, no credit cards, no matrimonial homes, no cars, no insurance, no pension plans, we have NO assets together.

The only thing that I am worried about is that I own a business now and I make decent money with it. Now, the business is only registered under my name with my son as beneficiary and taxes have been paid (no lien, etc), but I am scared he might go after it, being married and all. I doubt he would do that since this this business is what takes care of my son but I also didn't think our marriage would turn out like this either.

Last night I didn't sleep. At all. I actually applied for divorce online, through an online company that was recommended to me and once I receive the documents within 2 business days, I will go over them I will serve him at home, at his parents' address in Toronto, where he lives. When he arrives there Dec 14th, the documents will be waiting for him. It matches all 3 criteria: our Canadian passport addresses show we have been living separately since 2015, as well as when we filed our taxes (well, I did anyways, he hasn't in the last 10 years), I can also prove adultery, addiction and I can prove mental anguish and abuse.

I will also email his parents once he leaves and will let them know what is happening. I have no intention to ask for anything from him, I don't want extra money, I only want whatever the court orders him to pay in minimum child support. He also can have access to his son, as long as he is sober and during the day, no sleep overs (he neglected our son while he took care of him during my business trips and I don't feel comfortable having him watch him over night, unless his parents are there with him) and definitely not driving with him in the car. His parents can also see him whenever I am in Toronto and whenever they are here. I am willing to cooperate 100% and make this as flexible as possible.

I hope this pain in my heart eventually goes away, so I can get more than 2 hours of sleep at night, I can breathe deeply and I can focus on self-care.

OpheliaKatz

Please don't stay because of guilt. The past is the past. You have learned things, but this time, I think this guy is bad news. I'm sure he swept you off your feet at first, but addicts tend to love bomb people. If you were in a bad relationship (or a boring one) and he came along and promised you the moon on a string, you need to forgive yourself for believing him and causing hurt to your ex. It doesn't matter anymore. What you need to do now is save yourself.

Please make sure you have an updated will. If you have a child, and you accidentally die, your child might not be the only one that can claim anything. Not to be morbid, but that's just an extra detail I thought of.

Try to see if you can get some melatonin or something from your GP to help you sleep. If you don't sleep, you won't be able to protect yourself or your child. You can do this.

Maudcat

Soulful, everyone does messed up things in their lives.
Everyone.
Please don’t beat yourself up for mistakes made.
Own them, move on however best you can.
It sounds to me that your spouse is not worth the agony, yeah?
Good thoughts. Here when you need us.

Soulful

That's what happened. I was afraid to break my ex's heart, I was a coward and I didn't know how to leave him. I own this 100% and I have apologized to him. We parted ways in an amicable way and we have spoken afterward several times. He too forgave me, but I still carried the guilt, because he was a good man. Just not good for me.

I didn't plan to be with someone else, especially in such an intense relationship, but things happened so fast and he truly said all the right things. We made so many plans together, so many dreams.

One day at the time. Truly.

PuzzledHeart

You're not the first person to jump onto a speeding relationship to leave a dead one, and you won't be the last. I've been guilty of that as well.

This is a man that sounds like he runs away from his problems, and my one fear is that if you tell his parents ahead of time, he will try to spend as little time there as possible to avoid being served. Yes, you want to do the right thing and cushion his fall, but you have to protect yourself too.

Soulful

I am waiting until he gets there, and will send it in the evening.
He will be served with papers, and a welcoming mother and father.

teatreeoil007

Hang in there Soulful. Try to shed the guilt from your own past cheating. You proved yourself to be a faithful person since then and it's in the past. It sounds like your ex has forgiven you? Sending you a big hug.

AnvilheadII

i've been on both sides - cheatee and cheater. one thing i know from that experience is that once there is cheating, the relationship is OVER. one of the parties has checked out, unplugged, lost interest, whatever. leaving the relationship is the most respectful thing to do in the aftermath......it doesn't make it all OK, but at least it stops the lie, the deception.

HoldOnLoosely

...and more broken promises that cause only further emotional damage.

You've gotten wonderful advice. I'm truly sorry you have to go through this experience. It's heartbreaking. Be kind and gentle with yourself.