Issues with BF/future father of my child
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Issues with BF/future father of my child
My boyfriend and I recently found out we are pregnant.
A few months ago (around April) he relapsed on blues (an opiate pill). I found this out only because he basically moved himself in with me when I moved out of my sober living house (didn’t contribute at all to any move in costs since it was never the plan for him to move in) When I asked him for his half of the rent (after he had been there over a month rent free) he couldn’t give it to me. He told a bunch of lies about why he didn’t have the money but as an addict myself I knew what was really going on. Prior to all this he had over 2 years clean.
Now the thing is I also relapsed as soon as I moved out of the sober house but only drank a few times. Still a relapse is a relapse. Difference is I was honest with him and my sponsor about my drinking.
Now I stopped the drinking and he stopped the opiates (apparently and he has been paying rent the last 3 months so I’d like to think he really has) but we have both been smoking weed.
Obviously since I’m pregnant that has to stop. We agreed we wouldn’t buy anymore especially since we need to save for a child. But I just get a sketchy feeling from him. I worry that he won’t be able to get his sobriety back and he will just do things behind my back.
I’m not trying to compare our relapses per se but I didn’t go into debt from mine. I don’t trust him at all and the resentment is really building but I feel like a hypocrite because I drank a few times and have been smoking pretty much daily for the last couple months.
I told him yesterday that If I found out he’s using I will leave and go to my parents and make sure he never sees me or this child again but idk.
I find myself checking the mileage on the car and even thinking about drug testing him to catch him in the act.
Obviously our relationship has a ton of problems but I need to find a way to make it work (even if it’s as friends) Bc he is the father of my child.
I just can’t let go of this resentment.
A few months ago (around April) he relapsed on blues (an opiate pill). I found this out only because he basically moved himself in with me when I moved out of my sober living house (didn’t contribute at all to any move in costs since it was never the plan for him to move in) When I asked him for his half of the rent (after he had been there over a month rent free) he couldn’t give it to me. He told a bunch of lies about why he didn’t have the money but as an addict myself I knew what was really going on. Prior to all this he had over 2 years clean.
Now the thing is I also relapsed as soon as I moved out of the sober house but only drank a few times. Still a relapse is a relapse. Difference is I was honest with him and my sponsor about my drinking.
Now I stopped the drinking and he stopped the opiates (apparently and he has been paying rent the last 3 months so I’d like to think he really has) but we have both been smoking weed.
Obviously since I’m pregnant that has to stop. We agreed we wouldn’t buy anymore especially since we need to save for a child. But I just get a sketchy feeling from him. I worry that he won’t be able to get his sobriety back and he will just do things behind my back.
I’m not trying to compare our relapses per se but I didn’t go into debt from mine. I don’t trust him at all and the resentment is really building but I feel like a hypocrite because I drank a few times and have been smoking pretty much daily for the last couple months.
I told him yesterday that If I found out he’s using I will leave and go to my parents and make sure he never sees me or this child again but idk.
I find myself checking the mileage on the car and even thinking about drug testing him to catch him in the act.
Obviously our relationship has a ton of problems but I need to find a way to make it work (even if it’s as friends) Bc he is the father of my child.
I just can’t let go of this resentment.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Fenway, I understand how hard this must be for you but the thing is, you are pregnant and there is a baby to consider in all this. You must advocate for yourself AND the dear baby both and staying completely clean is the only safe way for both of you. That`s not a lecture, that`s a sincere belief that you have the courage to do what you need to do to bring a healthy baby into the world.
You were clean on your own until your boyfriend moved in, I`m not blaming him because you know the drill and are responsible for yourself. But I suggest you get yourself to a clean, safe place without him while you prepare for this new life you are carrying to come into your world. Either going back to a clean house, or moving in with your parents or even living on your own and maintaining your own support with AA or counseling or whatever will keep you clean and sober.
Please think on this and let go of any expectations for him, and just do what you need to do for yourself and your baby.
Hugs
You were clean on your own until your boyfriend moved in, I`m not blaming him because you know the drill and are responsible for yourself. But I suggest you get yourself to a clean, safe place without him while you prepare for this new life you are carrying to come into your world. Either going back to a clean house, or moving in with your parents or even living on your own and maintaining your own support with AA or counseling or whatever will keep you clean and sober.
Please think on this and let go of any expectations for him, and just do what you need to do for yourself and your baby.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Fenway.
Sounds like you have seen this movie before.
I think you know what you need to do, for the child’s sake.
Eat well, get exercise, see a physician, and above all, don’t use.
No alcohol, no weed.
Take care of yourself and your child.
Let the bf go his way. At this point (saying this gently) he doesn't sound like he is good parent material
And you need to get yourself into soon to be parent mode.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Wishing you the best.
Sounds like you have seen this movie before.
I think you know what you need to do, for the child’s sake.
Eat well, get exercise, see a physician, and above all, don’t use.
No alcohol, no weed.
Take care of yourself and your child.
Let the bf go his way. At this point (saying this gently) he doesn't sound like he is good parent material
And you need to get yourself into soon to be parent mode.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Wishing you the best.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
FF...
This is one of those instances where you've arrived at the proverbial fork in the road. You have an opportunity to make a fresh start. So allow yourself to know what you know to be true, and do what is best for you and your unborn child.
Keep us posted.
This is one of those instances where you've arrived at the proverbial fork in the road. You have an opportunity to make a fresh start. So allow yourself to know what you know to be true, and do what is best for you and your unborn child.
Keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thanks all for replies and things to think about.
I started seeing my therapist again and I’m thinking it might be benifical for the 3 of us to sit down and talk things through.
I will say he has stepped up since we found out. Got a second job, has been helping around the house and with the dog and making sure I’m taken care of (I’ve been insanely tired) but it still doesn’t take away from the resentment
I’ve been with an addict in the past who was in active addiction the entire time we were together. So I know how this can go.
If he stays clean I think he can be a good Father but I know how it goes when you’re using, nothing else matters besides the drug. I also really need his financial support. Even with both our incomes money is very very tight.
I started seeing my therapist again and I’m thinking it might be benifical for the 3 of us to sit down and talk things through.
I will say he has stepped up since we found out. Got a second job, has been helping around the house and with the dog and making sure I’m taken care of (I’ve been insanely tired) but it still doesn’t take away from the resentment
I’ve been with an addict in the past who was in active addiction the entire time we were together. So I know how this can go.
If he stays clean I think he can be a good Father but I know how it goes when you’re using, nothing else matters besides the drug. I also really need his financial support. Even with both our incomes money is very very tight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Ugh so things are not good
He’s late on the rent again. He said he can have it to me tomorrow but would like to wait until he gets paid because his half of the rent (760) is all the money he has until pay day
He had to see doctor for procedure which cost 300 dollars. Thing is this month I’ve spent over 400 for my obgyn AND I paid the full rent on the first of the month so 1500 dollars and I still have a cushion.
He makes a dollar more than I do an hour as well. I am frustrated. I told him he needs to get his **** together Bc whe have a child on the way
Fight started Bc he ran to the gas station a mile away and was gone for a half hour. Brought me back chocolate my Ex ABF used to do that kinda **** as a diversion when he went to pick up
I should also mention it’s *my* car not his. We just share it. Idk man I’m not saying he went out and copped but that’s the first thought I had
I want to drug test him. I told him if he fails that I’ll leave and I would. This isn’t going to work tho like even if he isn’t getting high and even tho he does do a lot for me like he needs to grow up. Me too don’t get me wrong but we have a child to think about and he can’t even pay his bills on time
For the record I’m back in therapy with my therapist from IOP (an addiction treatment program I went to after treatment) and I am going to speak with her about us having a couple session.
He’s late on the rent again. He said he can have it to me tomorrow but would like to wait until he gets paid because his half of the rent (760) is all the money he has until pay day
He had to see doctor for procedure which cost 300 dollars. Thing is this month I’ve spent over 400 for my obgyn AND I paid the full rent on the first of the month so 1500 dollars and I still have a cushion.
He makes a dollar more than I do an hour as well. I am frustrated. I told him he needs to get his **** together Bc whe have a child on the way
Fight started Bc he ran to the gas station a mile away and was gone for a half hour. Brought me back chocolate my Ex ABF used to do that kinda **** as a diversion when he went to pick up
I should also mention it’s *my* car not his. We just share it. Idk man I’m not saying he went out and copped but that’s the first thought I had
I want to drug test him. I told him if he fails that I’ll leave and I would. This isn’t going to work tho like even if he isn’t getting high and even tho he does do a lot for me like he needs to grow up. Me too don’t get me wrong but we have a child to think about and he can’t even pay his bills on time
For the record I’m back in therapy with my therapist from IOP (an addiction treatment program I went to after treatment) and I am going to speak with her about us having a couple session.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thanks
I’m feeling really frustrated and resentful over this.
The lies just seem to be piling up. My therapist suggested I attend al anon. And we have our couples session tomorrow
I’ve tried confronting him about it but he just tells me I’m being mean and unfair (I’m asking a legitimate question and not buying into your BS that isn’t being mean) but addict are always great at playing the victim
I’m stressed and scared beside my job is my livlihood and if I leave and go back with my parents I have to leave my job Bc they live 2k miles away. And my dog is the love of my life and she’s ours together and if I leave he might take her
I know I need To think about the baby but these two things are important to me. And my job is how I have health insurance and an income. And I’ve already spent over 600 dollars on my dr down here including two payments for delivery fee
If he is getting high maybe detox/treatment and halfway are the best options so he can get his **** together.
If possible I’d like to avoid uprooting my entire life Bc of his choices. But since I have no family down here that might be hard
It just sucks. And I am so tired of being lied to
I’m feeling really frustrated and resentful over this.
The lies just seem to be piling up. My therapist suggested I attend al anon. And we have our couples session tomorrow
I’ve tried confronting him about it but he just tells me I’m being mean and unfair (I’m asking a legitimate question and not buying into your BS that isn’t being mean) but addict are always great at playing the victim
I’m stressed and scared beside my job is my livlihood and if I leave and go back with my parents I have to leave my job Bc they live 2k miles away. And my dog is the love of my life and she’s ours together and if I leave he might take her
I know I need To think about the baby but these two things are important to me. And my job is how I have health insurance and an income. And I’ve already spent over 600 dollars on my dr down here including two payments for delivery fee
If he is getting high maybe detox/treatment and halfway are the best options so he can get his **** together.
If possible I’d like to avoid uprooting my entire life Bc of his choices. But since I have no family down here that might be hard
It just sucks. And I am so tired of being lied to
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Fenway,
Having a baby is a joy, but it is no picnic.
Honestly, if this is the way your ABF is acting now, who knows how reliable he's going to be when the baby has been crying non-stop for three hours in the middle of the night. My husband and I barely had brains the first six months after our son's birth - we were so sleep-deprived that on more than one occasion we would be fighting at 4AM in the morning over the fact that we were fighting at 4AM in the morning. It is an extremely high-stress situation for both partners.
I do not want to scare you, but if your ABF is acting this way in the first trimester, it does not bode well at all. By the time your baby is born, you want things to be settled. You don't want to decide three weeks after your baby's birth that your ABF can't cut it. You don't want to be taking your newborn baby on a plane, and a 2K roadtrip back to your parents will be daunting (although who knows, if your baby is anything like my son, your baby might sleep in the car for a good portion of it.) But even going to the bathroom at a rest stop is a hundred times more complicated when you are schlepping a newborn.
You also don't want to be traveling in the third trimester. I swear to God, I was peeing so much those final weeks I could have peed out the entire Atlantic ocean at the rate I was going. I cannot imagine take a road trip at that time. And of course, airlines are VERY reluctant to take moms who are just about to pop on a plane (I think after 36 weeks, they're like um....).
Believe me, you will feel a thousand times better if you prepare for the worst even while hoping for the best. It may not feel that way because you will have to face some pretty scary issues head on. But if you have some solid plans just in case your ABF doesn't follow through, you may be heartbroken, but it will be one less thing to worry about.
You don't have to make decisions this hour or even tomorrow. But you do have to start making an honest assessment whether or not your ABF will be there for you and the baby at birth and beyond. You may not like the solution that is best for you and your baby, but you will know in your heart you did your best to do what's right.
Having a baby is a joy, but it is no picnic.
Honestly, if this is the way your ABF is acting now, who knows how reliable he's going to be when the baby has been crying non-stop for three hours in the middle of the night. My husband and I barely had brains the first six months after our son's birth - we were so sleep-deprived that on more than one occasion we would be fighting at 4AM in the morning over the fact that we were fighting at 4AM in the morning. It is an extremely high-stress situation for both partners.
I do not want to scare you, but if your ABF is acting this way in the first trimester, it does not bode well at all. By the time your baby is born, you want things to be settled. You don't want to decide three weeks after your baby's birth that your ABF can't cut it. You don't want to be taking your newborn baby on a plane, and a 2K roadtrip back to your parents will be daunting (although who knows, if your baby is anything like my son, your baby might sleep in the car for a good portion of it.) But even going to the bathroom at a rest stop is a hundred times more complicated when you are schlepping a newborn.
You also don't want to be traveling in the third trimester. I swear to God, I was peeing so much those final weeks I could have peed out the entire Atlantic ocean at the rate I was going. I cannot imagine take a road trip at that time. And of course, airlines are VERY reluctant to take moms who are just about to pop on a plane (I think after 36 weeks, they're like um....).
Believe me, you will feel a thousand times better if you prepare for the worst even while hoping for the best. It may not feel that way because you will have to face some pretty scary issues head on. But if you have some solid plans just in case your ABF doesn't follow through, you may be heartbroken, but it will be one less thing to worry about.
You don't have to make decisions this hour or even tomorrow. But you do have to start making an honest assessment whether or not your ABF will be there for you and the baby at birth and beyond. You may not like the solution that is best for you and your baby, but you will know in your heart you did your best to do what's right.
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