Why am I annoyed?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Why am I annoyed?
Back to my mother. She did so well, didn't drink for 11 days, that I know of. Now she's wasted, and I am so annoyed. She goes back to her home on Sunday, and it can't come soon enough.
While she wasn't drinking we actually had conversations, did things together and she was more involved with her grandson, the most involved since she arrived back in July.
I know I not "jealous" or what have you because she is drinking while I'm not. I don't want that life, ever again.
Am I mad because I had a taste of an actual relationship with her and now I see it going back down the toilet?
Am I mad because I can see how the rest of the night is going to unfold?
Because I'm now holding resentments towards her?
Arggggg...
This has really been my only issue since becoming sober, her drinking since she too is an alcoholic, just a practicing one
I know no one can tell me how I feel, but there has to be some encouragement somewhere??
Thanks
While she wasn't drinking we actually had conversations, did things together and she was more involved with her grandson, the most involved since she arrived back in July.
I know I not "jealous" or what have you because she is drinking while I'm not. I don't want that life, ever again.
Am I mad because I had a taste of an actual relationship with her and now I see it going back down the toilet?
Am I mad because I can see how the rest of the night is going to unfold?
Because I'm now holding resentments towards her?
Arggggg...
This has really been my only issue since becoming sober, her drinking since she too is an alcoholic, just a practicing one
I know no one can tell me how I feel, but there has to be some encouragement somewhere??
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi DreamCatcher
I had a very low tolerance for other people drinking once I got sober - I would have been annoyed had that person been in my house too.
I'm better now but drinkers can still bug me. I did a music session recently with someone who was flying high - he was very annoying.
I think you're probably mad for all the reasons you listed. I think it's ok to be mad for valid reasons - but we can't stew on it too long.
We have to either fix the problem or let it go.
D
I had a very low tolerance for other people drinking once I got sober - I would have been annoyed had that person been in my house too.
I'm better now but drinkers can still bug me. I did a music session recently with someone who was flying high - he was very annoying.
I think you're probably mad for all the reasons you listed. I think it's ok to be mad for valid reasons - but we can't stew on it too long.
We have to either fix the problem or let it go.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Well, for starts she’s been there since July! That’s a long time for any houseguest!
Sometimes when we see our worst selves in others it’s really disturbing...could be that. It could also be that now that you’re recovering you see clearly how useless time with someone who’s drunk really is...you might as well be anyone or not there at all. That’s disheartening.
And maybe you were hoping for a sobriety buddy, that would be disappointing, too.
You can decide to leave her to it and go to bed early, yes?
Take care of you.
Sending you a hug.
Sometimes when we see our worst selves in others it’s really disturbing...could be that. It could also be that now that you’re recovering you see clearly how useless time with someone who’s drunk really is...you might as well be anyone or not there at all. That’s disheartening.
And maybe you were hoping for a sobriety buddy, that would be disappointing, too.
You can decide to leave her to it and go to bed early, yes?
Take care of you.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Well, for starts she’s been there since July! That’s a long time for any houseguest!
Sometimes when we see our worst selves in others it’s really disturbing...could be that. It could also be that now that you’re recovering you see clearly how useless time with someone who’s drunk really is...you might as well be anyone or not there at all. That’s disheartening.
And maybe you were hoping for a sobriety buddy, that would be disappointing, too.
You can decide to leave her to it and go to bed early, yes?
Take care of you.
Sending you a hug.
Sometimes when we see our worst selves in others it’s really disturbing...could be that. It could also be that now that you’re recovering you see clearly how useless time with someone who’s drunk really is...you might as well be anyone or not there at all. That’s disheartening.
And maybe you were hoping for a sobriety buddy, that would be disappointing, too.
You can decide to leave her to it and go to bed early, yes?
Take care of you.
Sending you a hug.
In fact, when I was 4 I went to an aa meeting with her, as everyone was introducing themselves, I too said I'm me, I'm an alcoholic. Oh how everyone laughed, not so funny today, maybe 26 days ago but not today.
I stopped talking to her for many years because this and we only talk now because I had a child.
Time to cut ties, again. She's toxic and it makes me sad since my son really adores the sober her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi DreamCatcher
I had a very low tolerance for other people drinking once I got sober - I would have been annoyed had that person been in my house too.
I'm better now but drinkers can still bug me. I did a music session recently with someone who was flying high - he was very annoying.
I think you're probably mad for all the reasons you listed. I think it's ok to be mad for valid reasons - but we can't stew on it too long.
We have to either fix the problem or let it go.
D
I had a very low tolerance for other people drinking once I got sober - I would have been annoyed had that person been in my house too.
I'm better now but drinkers can still bug me. I did a music session recently with someone who was flying high - he was very annoying.
I think you're probably mad for all the reasons you listed. I think it's ok to be mad for valid reasons - but we can't stew on it too long.
We have to either fix the problem or let it go.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, if I had someone (anyone) drinking alcoholically in my home I'd be pretty irritated as well.
Strikes me that if you were to use the serenity prayer here, your mother would be the thing you can't change and the courage to change the thing you can might refer to your expectations and your boundaries.
I say expectations as much because I have my own frustrations with my father and occassionally my expectations go awry, and it always results in me feeling really annoyed with him, and of course its ME that sufferes from the annoyance, not him. He's blissfully unaware. Like someone said to me once...
Friend: "BB has he been like this before?"
Me "YES. He's always like it."
Friend: "Then what made ya think this time was going to be any different?"
Me: "Grrrrrr."
(I actually was pretty mad at them for saying this, but it stuck with me, and although I still can't always get it right, I do know that it's important to keep my expectations realistically low of my father. Perhaps this will be useful for you?
Also, boundaries. Very important. Just remember that boundaries aren't the same as rules. A rule tells someone what to do/ not do. Your boundaries simply state what YOU will do if they break those rules. So it might be, if she drinks in your home you will drive her back to her own place. It might be, if she drinks while caring for your children you will no longer allow her to have any position of care for them any more.
It definitely sounds like you could do with getting your home back alcohol and active-alcoholic free. I hope you can do this today.
BB
Strikes me that if you were to use the serenity prayer here, your mother would be the thing you can't change and the courage to change the thing you can might refer to your expectations and your boundaries.
I say expectations as much because I have my own frustrations with my father and occassionally my expectations go awry, and it always results in me feeling really annoyed with him, and of course its ME that sufferes from the annoyance, not him. He's blissfully unaware. Like someone said to me once...
Friend: "BB has he been like this before?"
Me "YES. He's always like it."
Friend: "Then what made ya think this time was going to be any different?"
Me: "Grrrrrr."
(I actually was pretty mad at them for saying this, but it stuck with me, and although I still can't always get it right, I do know that it's important to keep my expectations realistically low of my father. Perhaps this will be useful for you?
Also, boundaries. Very important. Just remember that boundaries aren't the same as rules. A rule tells someone what to do/ not do. Your boundaries simply state what YOU will do if they break those rules. So it might be, if she drinks in your home you will drive her back to her own place. It might be, if she drinks while caring for your children you will no longer allow her to have any position of care for them any more.
It definitely sounds like you could do with getting your home back alcohol and active-alcoholic free. I hope you can do this today.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
The night was horrible. She was drinking and driving, that alone sends me into a world of anger.
I told her that I called the cops on her, she lost it and was downright ruthless to me.
I have no patience for driving drunk, all the kids in our neighborhood have today and tomorrow off of school and who knows if they were out and about walking and she done something. I was seriously scared and so upset.
She was at a bar that was 6 blocks away, she could have walked, but instead wanted to text me for an hour and a half how horrible of a daughter I am, how could I have done that to her, I have ruined her life BLAA BLAA, deflection, victim card. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior.
I got little sleep, too tired to work out this morning and dragging ass like I am hungover, emotionally hung over.
Thank you guys for the words of encouragement and sharing your stories with me.
One day at a time.
I told her that I called the cops on her, she lost it and was downright ruthless to me.
I have no patience for driving drunk, all the kids in our neighborhood have today and tomorrow off of school and who knows if they were out and about walking and she done something. I was seriously scared and so upset.
She was at a bar that was 6 blocks away, she could have walked, but instead wanted to text me for an hour and a half how horrible of a daughter I am, how could I have done that to her, I have ruined her life BLAA BLAA, deflection, victim card. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior.
I got little sleep, too tired to work out this morning and dragging ass like I am hungover, emotionally hung over.
Thank you guys for the words of encouragement and sharing your stories with me.
One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well, if I had someone (anyone) drinking alcoholically in my home I'd be pretty irritated as well.
Strikes me that if you were to use the serenity prayer here, your mother would be the thing you can't change and the courage to change the thing you can might refer to your expectations and your boundaries.
I say expectations as much because I have my own frustrations with my father and occassionally my expectations go awry, and it always results in me feeling really annoyed with him, and of course its ME that sufferes from the annoyance, not him. He's blissfully unaware. Like someone said to me once...
Friend: "BB has he been like this before?"
Me "YES. He's always like it."
Friend: "Then what made ya think this time was going to be any different?"
Me: "Grrrrrr."
(I actually was pretty mad at them for saying this, but it stuck with me, and although I still can't always get it right, I do know that it's important to keep my expectations realistically low of my father. Perhaps this will be useful for you?
Also, boundaries. Very important. Just remember that boundaries aren't the same as rules. A rule tells someone what to do/ not do. Your boundaries simply state what YOU will do if they break those rules. So it might be, if she drinks in your home you will drive her back to her own place. It might be, if she drinks while caring for your children you will no longer allow her to have any position of care for them any more.
It definitely sounds like you could do with getting your home back alcohol and active-alcoholic free. I hope you can do this today.
BB
Strikes me that if you were to use the serenity prayer here, your mother would be the thing you can't change and the courage to change the thing you can might refer to your expectations and your boundaries.
I say expectations as much because I have my own frustrations with my father and occassionally my expectations go awry, and it always results in me feeling really annoyed with him, and of course its ME that sufferes from the annoyance, not him. He's blissfully unaware. Like someone said to me once...
Friend: "BB has he been like this before?"
Me "YES. He's always like it."
Friend: "Then what made ya think this time was going to be any different?"
Me: "Grrrrrr."
(I actually was pretty mad at them for saying this, but it stuck with me, and although I still can't always get it right, I do know that it's important to keep my expectations realistically low of my father. Perhaps this will be useful for you?
Also, boundaries. Very important. Just remember that boundaries aren't the same as rules. A rule tells someone what to do/ not do. Your boundaries simply state what YOU will do if they break those rules. So it might be, if she drinks in your home you will drive her back to her own place. It might be, if she drinks while caring for your children you will no longer allow her to have any position of care for them any more.
It definitely sounds like you could do with getting your home back alcohol and active-alcoholic free. I hope you can do this today.
BB
If I could have driven her home, I totally would have. She lives 1200 miles away and is due to fly out on Sunday. I am hoping that after last night she will maybe see what she was like. We had an hour of text messages where she was rude and cruel to me. I have sent her a text to see how her morning is, well that was 2 hours ago with no reply. Honestly, I am hoping she is loathing with how she acted last night.
You are totally right, I can't control her. We had boundaries set, she has now broken them over and over again, typical addict behavior.
We had plans on Sunday prior to her departure, which sadly the events of last night have ruined and my family and myself will not be seeing her off. I probably will go back on this for the sake of my son. So he can see her one last time before she leaves. But I, as of right now, have no desire to spend any time with her from now until, ever again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
it's perfectly normal to be frustrated and annoyed at seeing someone we care for hurt themselves, throw away life, distrupt our relationship, negatively impact our lives along the way.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope your mother finds sobriety.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope your mother finds sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
it's perfectly normal to be frustrated and annoyed at seeing someone we care for hurt themselves, throw away life, distrupt our relationship, negatively impact our lives along the way.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope your mother finds sobriety.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope your mother finds sobriety.
I am just grateful I have remained sober!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I had similar situations with my mother who was an alcoholic and never attempted to stop drinking. I began drinking in my mid forties and a few years later when I began recovery, I basically cut ties with my mother. I spoke to her occasionally on the phone, but never ever offered any personal information. My children spent time with her very occasionally, but I never, ever left my children alone with her, ever. I never regretted my decision.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Hi...sorry about your mother. It happens in early sobriety to be annoyed at a drunks 'antics'. I often look back at my past behavior and project it onto drunk/drinking people that I'm around. It does nothing and is a waste of time/energy...still coming to grips with that at almost a year. Hang in there! only a few more days till she's not in your space anymore. That is a long visit though! I'd be annoyed without the drinking..Just saying.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I get being annoyed. It is like you saw this great relationship you could have if she were sober and I bet you feel cheated out of it. Like the mom you did not have growing up. I am sorry. Drunks really hurt those who love us. We selfishly love the booze and ignore them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
My mom's alcoholism and actions towards me when drinking were possibly
the most acutely painful parts of my entire life, childhood to adult.
It certainly didn't help my own choice to drink, though I'm not blaming here,
just reflecting years after her death.
Be kind to yourself and plan for some possibly trigger "rebound emotion"
after she's on the plane and out of your life again.
What's anger may turn to sadness, hurt, and rejection--even shame, illogical
as that is.
I think it's part of the "family of origin" package so many of us drinkers carry for years.
Hugs
the most acutely painful parts of my entire life, childhood to adult.
It certainly didn't help my own choice to drink, though I'm not blaming here,
just reflecting years after her death.
Be kind to yourself and plan for some possibly trigger "rebound emotion"
after she's on the plane and out of your life again.
What's anger may turn to sadness, hurt, and rejection--even shame, illogical
as that is.
I think it's part of the "family of origin" package so many of us drinkers carry for years.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
