When is this gonna get better?

Old 09-26-2017, 10:33 AM
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fml23.....you are dealing with beureauracy....and that generally gives enough red tape to drive any sane person mad.....Anything with insurance is a n..i..g..h..t..m..a..r..e.......
Good that you are not going to attend the meetings.... if it is going to make life worse for you.
And, those grouchy ladies you dealt with---who knows what their problem is...maybe, they have an alcoholic at home...lol.....

You do have a big pile on your plate...even if you weren't dealing with these confounding extra demands.
the word "dull" jumped out at me...(.the word ambiguous doesn't surprise me...considering that you are still invested in hope for the miracle of his recovery).....
I wonder if you are not dealing with a low level of depression..superimposed on top of mourning.....that is just a question, as I have no idea of your history along these lines....

I can still remember the hard days, with working seven days a week, with 3 small children and going through a divorce with a jerk of a husband...and, I WANTED the divorce!! I knew it was my ticket out of a situation that was strangling my soul....I held onto my goal, and I did live through it....some days were very hard. But, it wasn't like there was any other option....(go forward, or die).....

***I once read that there is a difference between grieving and depression....
grieving is an excess of very painful emotions...like you could burst from them....
and, depression is a dysphoric feeling of "deadness"...a lack of desired emotion...a feeling of "woodenness", inside....
though, people can, sometimes, have both at the same time......
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
fml23.....you are dealing with beureauracy....and that generally gives enough red tape to drive any sane person mad.....Anything with insurance is a n..i..g..h..t..m..a..r..e.......
Good that you are not going to attend the meetings.... if it is going to make life worse for you.
And, those grouchy ladies you dealt with---who knows what their problem is...maybe, they have an alcoholic at home...lol.....

You do have a big pile on your plate...even if you weren't dealing with these confounding extra demands.
the word "dull" jumped out at me...(.the word ambiguous doesn't surprise me...considering that you are still invested in hope for the miracle of his recovery).....
I wonder if you are not dealing with a low level of depression..superimposed on top of mourning.....that is just a question, as I have no idea of your history along these lines....

I can still remember the hard days, with working seven days a week, with 3 small children and going through a divorce with a jerk of a husband...and, I WANTED the divorce!! I knew it was my ticket out of a situation that was strangling my soul....I held onto my goal, and I did live through it....some days were very hard. But, it wasn't like there was any other option....(go forward, or die).....

***I once read that there is a difference between grieving and depression....
grieving is an excess of very painful emotions...like you could burst from them....
and, depression is a dysphoric feeling of "deadness"...a lack of desired emotion...a feeling of "woodenness", inside....
though, people can, sometimes, have both at the same time......
Haha maybe the case worker does have an A at home! I do admin at a large hospital for a living so my threshold for nonsense is low.
I do feel really dull. I have moments of earth shattering despair, extreme anger, but this last week I am having a different feeling. I kind of thought about it as coming down from stress. I typically push through work and schoolwork and ride out the feelings. But I'm actually having trouble doing anything at all. Maybe it's depression. I don't know that I've been alone enough in a long time to tap into that.
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:16 AM
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honeypig...those articles on depression are excellent, I think!
Are they in the stickies?....if not...they should be.....
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:34 AM
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As far as I know, they are not in the stickies, dandy.
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
honeypig...those articles on grieving are excellent, I think!
Are they in the stickies?....if not...they should be.....
Thank you for posting them...

CORRECTION.....I meant to say articles on grieving....not depression
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Thank you for posting them...

CORRECTION.....I meant to say articles on grieving....not depression
They are wonderful. I printed them out for myself because they were so helpful!
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
'maybe I want to stay separated for a year and see how he maintains sobriety' and then the other voice that says, 'another year?!? Get a life!' I dunno. I'm just surprised at how awful this is. I always thought rehab would be the end game.
FML - Congratulations on the wonderful steps you've taken to take care of yourself and your daughter well done.

I just want to share with you that I filed for divorce from my STBXAH a year ago....and we are still technically married and it will be another 60 days before I can even ask the judge for trial dates to help end it. So should you decide to go through with the divorce, I want you to know that it is a LONG process, especially longer with children involved.

I think everything your feeling is totally valid. Like they say, one day at a time. Sending you hugs and prayers for strength.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:01 PM
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You just have to remember that for them, they are really only interested in the well being of their patient. Sometimes that is not what is good for all the other people in their patient's lives. You hear this over and over about rehabs.

You are not the only sane person, but boy oh boy, there are lots of lunatics in the world too LOL.

Gentle hugs. Keep doing all of those things to better your life, and the life of your child.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
It's the total mind f*** of the addiction. From my perspective AH IS being serious about recovery in a genuine way. I believe him when he says he woke up hungover and realized he's going to drink himself to death alone and it's not what he wants for himself or his family. It's not that I doubt him or want to down play that. Its just like isn't that another example of how an addict thinks they are the center of the universe?

YES! This exactly. This is why you need to take care of you. He won't, he never could. At least in the case of mine I know that even if he never drinks another drop, that will never change. It's been too many years, I think the center of his universe is fixed.
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:51 AM
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Fml,
I know you feel your life is out of control, but look at the big pix, it really isnt. Years ago you "saw" the writing on the wall... as ah was going down. You made a plan. You worked hard at your job,(check) worked at finishing school (almost check), knowing what your future was going to be for you and your child, you had a plan. You have continued to follow your plan.

Now that you filed, stbxah has checked into rehab. This doesn't devert from your plan. It has really nothing to do with your plan. Rehab wants you to adjust your "plan" to help stbaxh. Addiction and sobriety is a one man show. It is early in his recovery and I dont think you need to be present either. You filed for divorce, you are done.

Now to be treated like shxt by the rehab staff, I am just not feeling it. You owe them/ him nothing. Let him figure out his issues, he's alone now, by his own actions. I am sure you have threatened divorce more then once, or twice or maybe 100 times, this is not out of the blue. I hate to say, but it is probably best for him to know that you are not there for his recovery. It's to late. As we all know, chances of his first rehab "working " are slim.

Continue with your plan. Don't keep adding a new "day ones" and continue engaging with him or them. He is a grown man and can figure out how to fix his problem without you enabling him. You are doing fine. You have a plan, sometimes we have forks in the road and we need to take the right road, continue forward as more will be revealed, its not over yet. Hugs!!
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Old 09-27-2017, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
Fml,
I know you feel your life is out of control, but look at the big pix, it really isnt. Years ago you "saw" the writing on the wall... as ah was going down. You made a plan. You worked hard at your job,(check) worked at finishing school (almost check), knowing what your future was going to be for you and your child, you had a plan. You have continued to follow your plan.

Now that you filed, stbxah has checked into rehab. This doesn't devert from your plan. It has really nothing to do with your plan. Rehab wants you to adjust your "plan" to help stbaxh. Addiction and sobriety is a one man show. It is early in his recovery and I dont think you need to be present either. You filed for divorce, you are done.

Now to be treated like shxt by the rehab staff, I am just not feeling it. You owe them/ him nothing. Let him figure out his issues, he's alone now, by his own actions. I am sure you have threatened divorce more then once, or twice or maybe 100 times, this is not out of the blue. I hate to say, but it is probably best for him to know that you are not there for his recovery. It's to late. As we all know, chances of his first rehab "working " are slim.

Continue with your plan. Don't keep adding a new "day ones" and continue engaging with him or them. He is a grown man and can figure out how to fix his problem without you enabling him. You are doing fine. You have a plan, sometimes we have forks in the road and we need to take the right road, continue forward as more will be revealed, its not over yet. Hugs!!
You're so right, it's almost scary. This is not a crisis, it's been a long time coming and I've been clear about my plan and priorities the whole time. And the case manager at the rehab isn't good at her job if she thinks he needs me roped in to his treatment. Red flag was when she said she had, 'serious concerns about him leaving rehab for an empty home.' Right. Pretty sure his situation is not that unique... also none of the steps I've taken for myself hinged on his actuons. I don't sit around and say, 'I can't go to school until he stops drinking.' Nope. I just did it. If he wants to be sober he will be.
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Old 09-27-2017, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
You're so right, it's almost scary. This is not a crisis, it's been a long time coming and I've been clear about my plan and priorities the whole time. And the case manager at the rehab isn't good at her job if she thinks he needs me roped in to his treatment. Red flag was when she said she had, 'serious concerns about him leaving rehab for an empty home.' Right. Pretty sure his situation is not that unique... also none of the steps I've taken for myself hinged on his actuons. I don't sit around and say, 'I can't go to school until he stops drinking.' Nope. I just did it. If he wants to be sober he will be.
I literally want to frame this post and put it on my wall. Just Yes! to all of this.
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Old 09-27-2017, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
I literally want to frame this post and put it on my wall. Just Yes! to all of this.
I am standing behind ladyscribbler and cheering too, fml!
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Old 09-27-2017, 08:50 AM
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I know I don't say much here, as most of the time, I just don't feel I have experience to share that anyone would find valuable. But this:

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Even for the very motivated alcoholic...recovery is no trip through the park. It demands tough work and a lot of time investment. It isn't overnight....it is more like 2-3years.....
This is spot on.

Even if he completes rehab, comes home, and is dedicated to sobriety, it won't be a walk in the park. He HAS to learn how to deal with life without that bottle. And while rehab gives tools, it doesn't give a magic pill.

It's funny (not haha funny, but odd funny) ... when my AGF went into rehab, I knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after upon her return. I knew there was damage, I knew the fall out wasn't going to disappear in 21 to 28 days. I admit, I didn't have any real idea of what it WOULD be like, but I knew rainbows and puppy dogs was not going to happen. It was her with that idea ... she thought, she would learn how to stop drinking, and everything would just be "ok" again.

She is now approaching 6 months sober, and the last 6 months, life has been more or less in a holding pattern. She has had to learn how to deal with life, and the things and emotions that come with it, without simply drinking them away. It's been a process. And while I'm not regretful in any way that I am still there, nor do I wish to be not there, I do wonder sometimes if it would have been easier on her if she were alone. Not in the loneliness sense, just in the ... less distractions and more time to focus sense. In her case, even without me, she would have had her son. He has some emotional and developmental issues, so her life would not have been stress free anyway. But still, I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier? (that's not the word), but maybe more efficient if she could have just concentrated on that alone.

But, still, 7 months has passed since her return home from rehab. We are JUST now starting to talk about when it might be good to talk about our future plans (our lease will run out, we have to make decisions). It will be probably Jan or Feb before we can have that conversation for real with actual laid out plans.

All of this is to say ... you have a plan. And while re-hab is an awesome first step, it's not the be all and end all of everything. He may not make it on the first try. he may relapse and use that to strengthen his commitment (this is what happened to my gf). He may relapse and return to his old ways. He might be a pillar of sobriety, and work his program diligently. But no matter what, HE has a lot of work to do on him. You can't help him stay sober. (It took me a long while to accept this). Don't change your plan for YOU and YOUR recovery for something you can't effect in any way. He's got a while of what will basically be a self focused holding pattern (in terms of the relationship and non-internal things) if he's dedicated. Don't sacrifice your plan for you for hope that he's dedicated. You can always reconsider down the road, once you have some actual experience in seeing if his actions match his words. If they don't, then you aren't reliving this same experience again.
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Old 09-27-2017, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by HoneyBeez View Post
I know I don't say much here, as most of the time, I just don't feel I have experience to share that anyone would find valuable. But this:



This is spot on.

Even if he completes rehab, comes home, and is dedicated to sobriety, it won't be a walk in the park. He HAS to learn how to deal with life without that bottle. And while rehab gives tools, it doesn't give a magic pill.

It's funny (not haha funny, but odd funny) ... when my AGF went into rehab, I knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after upon her return. I knew there was damage, I knew the fall out wasn't going to disappear in 21 to 28 days. I admit, I didn't have any real idea of what it WOULD be like, but I knew rainbows and puppy dogs was not going to happen. It was her with that idea ... she thought, she would learn how to stop drinking, and everything would just be "ok" again.

She is now approaching 6 months sober, and the last 6 months, life has been more or less in a holding pattern. She has had to learn how to deal with life, and the things and emotions that come with it, without simply drinking them away. It's been a process. And while I'm not regretful in any way that I am still there, nor do I wish to be not there, I do wonder sometimes if it would have been easier on her if she were alone. Not in the loneliness sense, just in the ... less distractions and more time to focus sense. In her case, even without me, she would have had her son. He has some emotional and developmental issues, so her life would not have been stress free anyway. But still, I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier? (that's not the word), but maybe more efficient if she could have just concentrated on that alone.

But, still, 7 months has passed since her return home from rehab. We are JUST now starting to talk about when it might be good to talk about our future plans (our lease will run out, we have to make decisions). It will be probably Jan or Feb before we can have that conversation for real with actual laid out plans.

All of this is to say ... you have a plan. And while re-hab is an awesome first step, it's not the be all and end all of everything. He may not make it on the first try. he may relapse and use that to strengthen his commitment (this is what happened to my gf). He may relapse and return to his old ways. He might be a pillar of sobriety, and work his program diligently. But no matter what, HE has a lot of work to do on him. You can't help him stay sober. (It took me a long while to accept this). Don't change your plan for YOU and YOUR recovery for something you can't effect in any way. He's got a while of what will basically be a self focused holding pattern (in terms of the relationship and non-internal things) if he's dedicated. Don't sacrifice your plan for you for hope that he's dedicated. You can always reconsider down the road, once you have some actual experience in seeing if his actions match his words. If they don't, then you aren't reliving this same experience again.
Thank you for sharing. Your experience DOES provide insight for me. I don't know anyone IRL who had gone through treatment or attempted sobriety so I realky don't get what I should expect.
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Old 09-27-2017, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I am standing behind ladyscribbler and cheering too, fml!
Thanks! On the plus, the worst days seems to proceed little steps forward. I woke up today and I found the energy to push through some work and schoolwork I have been putting off and I feel a bit more focused on myself. Next time I feel horrible I'll try to pretend I'm means there's a mini break through coming.
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Old 09-27-2017, 01:19 PM
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Fml,
You had a light bulb moment. Keep taking the high road my friend. You have a plan!!

Honeybeez,
Thank you!!
I think you under estimate your contribution that you can offer on this forum. It's not always about support for ourselves . We learn when we share. Just like writing a book about ourselves and experiences. I was never so lucky to have my qualifier in rehab, but I learned something from what you posted today.

Please continue to share !!
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Old 09-27-2017, 02:45 PM
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I can't help but think it's always about them. It always about the alcoholic. It's like he of all people has the ability to do the kind of 180 that flies in the face of all my plans. Good, bad, he flips the script on my life in an instant.
Only if you give him the power. What you focus on increases. When you stop pointing the finger and realize we're the ones who must dive into recovery, that expands.
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