Update: progress

Old 09-22-2017, 06:09 PM
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Update: progress

(Won't go into entire backstory. The short version: shared custody of preteen Kid with alcoholic ex who is rapidly deteriorating, racking up DUIs and police calls, and lying and manipulating pretty much non-stop about drinking. After he tried to drive drunk with Kid earlier in the summer, I started moving towards sole custody).

We had our second mediation/arbitration meeting today, and the outcome was very positive. While we did not get to an actual legal change of custody, we did get an arbitrated agreement that Kid will continue to live with me full-time and ex will have graduated access. He has supervised short visits with SoberLink monitoring now, if all goes well for x number of months, he can have unsupervised short visits. If all goes well for another x months, he can have unsupervised longer visits. And so forth (the "x" numbers are to be determined by the arbitrator, who has the powers of a judge to draw up court-enforceable orders).

This is a good thing because it supercedes our (outdated) divorce order which specified shared parenting. It's also the first legal document in which ex acknowledges that he has a problem with addiction, that this prevents him from participating fully in Kid's life, and that his access to Kid will be restricted as a result. It sets a precedent which I can draw on if ex gets worse.

It also sets up an incentive system. If ex complies with SoberLink, doesn't drink around Kid, stays out of trouble with police and behaves, he gradually gets more time with Kid. If any of these things happen, he gets "sent back" to no visitation. This system is good because it's no longer me being the bad guy making decisions about not letting Kid see Dad, it's a document which Dad has agreed to and which a judge has ordered. Ex also can't pressure me to give him more access with Kid.

I expect that ex will screw this up pretty soon - his usual cycle is 2-3 months between disasters. If/when he does, I'm in a much stronger legal position to say "okay, we're back to stage 1, no access at all". And having a court order in which ex acknowledges his addiction problems (the equivalent of "under oath") could be valuable.

This is as enforceable as an outcome from a trial would have been, and it was much cheaper and shorter, even though it felt like it was taking forever. I don't have the actual wording yet as the judge needs to write it up in proper legalese. I know that this won't prevent ex from drinking and screwing around in Kid's life, but it gives me leverage. And now that we both acknowledge that Kid is living with me full-time because of her father's drinking, he has to start paying child support.

Whew! (for now)
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Old 09-22-2017, 07:02 PM
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So good to hear Sasha. I hope kid is doing okay.

Let us know how it goes and may battalions of angels dive-bomb your little family!
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:26 PM
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Sasha,
Great news. I'm glad that your child is protected, for the most part. But we all know that more will be revealed.
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:31 PM
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It's so great that this is spelled out now and ex can't keep playing the Mean Mommy card. Well, he'll probably try but this is in black and white and as your daughter is a smart cookie, she will see that, in time.

Hooray for you!
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Old 09-23-2017, 07:09 AM
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This is great!
Progress, indeed.
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Old 09-23-2017, 09:02 PM
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Thanks all! I woke up this morning absolutely exhausted, with a pounding headache. I think that's what happens when the adrenaline I've been mainlining for the last six months drains away. I know nothing is ever over when you're dealing with an alcoholic, but I'm thinking ... this is pretty close to over. I will legally have primary residence and control over Kid's visits with ex, I don't have to worry about ex launching some ridiculous court action to enforce the (very outdated) terms of our divorce judgment for shared parenting, the basis for ongoing child support has been established, and there's a road map for ex to get back to shared parenting if he so chooses. But I doubt he will so choose.

Yesterday at the end of arbitration, ex was doing the "I'm taking responsbility for my recovery" thing and wanted to have a "family meeting" with him and me and Kid today, so we could jointly explain these new terms to Kid. "Oh what fun", I thought to myself, but "Sure, that's a really good idea" is what I said. This morning I got a text from ex cancelling the family meeting because he "has a headache". No response when I suggested rescheduling. And now the SoberLink test reports, which I had been getting every few hours in the week leading up to arbitration, have disappeared. Who knows when or if he will pop up again?
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Old 09-24-2017, 11:17 AM
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Sasha, I'm glad for the progress that has been made but so sorry that XAH is causing so much trouble. He truly just can't see that it's not all about him, can he...? Such a shame, and such a waste.

I hope things settle down soon so that you can relax a teeny bit.
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Old 09-25-2017, 06:24 AM
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Good for you. Just make sure the number of months is adequate before he gets unsupervised access.

As always, give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.

Now. Focus on your DD, and getting her through the horrible mind crap that comes w/dealing with an addict parent.

Hugs.
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Old 09-25-2017, 06:29 AM
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Sasha you seem to have most eventualities covered by the agreement as well as the key fact that he acknowledges his addiction. Sad but predictable that he went drinking (the evidence points to) afterwards. He would have been really making an effort prior to arbitration, and the recovery talk was possibly false confidence. Such a pity he couldn't keep it up. I really hope he has that breakthrough that will lead to genuine recovery for everyone's sake.

Well done you.
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Old 09-25-2017, 08:30 AM
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This is wonderful news, Sasha!! I would be interested in knowing how the arbitrator came up with the graduated stages and what they are, if you're willing to share?
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Old 09-25-2017, 10:36 PM
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Congrats, Sasha! Excellent news! I'm so glad you're finding justice in the justice system like I did.

As for when he'll pop up again. Who cares? Just enjoy these precious moments without him and his indiscriminate whirlwind of chaos. You and "Kid" deserve a break.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Good for you. Just make sure the number of months is adequate before he gets unsupervised access.

As always, give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.

Now. Focus on your DD, and getting her through the horrible mind crap that comes w/dealing with an addict parent.

Hugs.
Thanks! Fortunately Kid has a very busy life with extracurricular activities she loves and making new friends in junior high. She's busy enough that I've instituted a Sasha-and-Kid "date" each week to make sure that at least once a week we are in the same place at the same time that is not in transit to or from somewhere, so we get some face time. I told Kid we don't have to talk about deep serious things, we can talk about shoes or music or food or emojis or whatever.

I'm very conscious that Kid is going to be an ACOA, through no fault of her own, and hoping to build in some resilience and support for her.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by BAW81 View Post
This is wonderful news, Sasha!! I would be interested in knowing how the arbitrator came up with the graduated stages and what they are, if you're willing to share?
Happy to share (got your PM). I'd be happy to PM the graduated stages to anyone else who is interested too.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Sasha you seem to have most eventualities covered by the agreement as well as the key fact that he acknowledges his addiction. Sad but predictable that he went drinking (the evidence points to) afterwards. He would have been really making an effort prior to arbitration, and the recovery talk was possibly false confidence. Such a pity he couldn't keep it up. I really hope he has that breakthrough that will lead to genuine recovery for everyone's sake.

Well done you.
He was twitching and sweating during the arbitration itself - I think probably at the outside limits of how long he can go without a drink. I hope a miracle happens and he sobers up, but unfortunately I don't see any positive signs. On the contrary, his cycle of crash&burn->contrite&"recovering"->return to drinking -> crash&burn is getting worse.
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