Dee74

I don't think you're an idiot Vipe - you just need alternative strategies to drinking - and the willingness to feel a little crappy for a little while until you get used to those alternatives.

D

Neo28

Day 26 comes to an end.

Been a rollercoaster of emotions the past two days. My freelance gig seemed to go well though. Really needed something to keep busy on and hope on the job front so this was a major plus.

The depression and anxiety have came in heavy waves crashing. Worse then ever really. Not a person who usually breaks down into tears but it has happened quite a few times this week. Both yesterday and today I was tempted to drink because of it. Really wanted escape and relief. The thought of never drinking again came in and made things worse. I told myself just not today and not to worry about tomorrow or any other . This helped along with deciding to take my work home off the clock to give me something to focus on. Made the right choice and glad about it.

With my emotions so heavy right now this is when the worst part of me could arise if I gave in. Trying to work with my counselor on dealing with these overwhelming emotions cause being a sober novice has made me realize how scary it is not not knowing where to go in my mind. Was just alone with dread.

Later tonight I got some glimpses of my normal self back which I needed a reminder of. A mind trick has been playing in my head that a completely sober me can never have the full potential of being happy. I drank alone most the time and in self pity for so many years I don't even know how my mind can consider that option since I barely have any experience being sober.

Badger07 - Yeah, between her anger towards me and my self hate it's been brutal. I agree, just trying to be as good as I can with everyone and show change. Hope all goes well for your situation, thank you for the words.

hns0685

Good morning everyone, Day 33 check in. Viper, I hope you don't beat yourself up too badly for the relapses. I relapsed probably 10 times in the past 3 years after having 3 years of sobriety. What I have learned so far is that: You can't shame an alcoholic any more than we shame ourselves. Shame is never motivation enough for ME to stop drinking or relapsing. I have to have a strong program in place- for me that looks like counseling, AA, working with my sponsor through the 12 steps, developing some sort of a spiritual life, but I know it can look different for everyone. I'm just saying this because you ARE going to get this... one day at a time... we're all here rooting for you!

I'm feeling ok. No urge to drink, but emotions are running high. I had an anxiety attack in my sleep last night (has that ever happened to anyone?). It was scary. My husband and I had an intense conversation about how to deal with a situation with one of our 11 year olds who is really acting out right now and I think I went to bed really stressed out. Today I swear I'm going to meditate and do some yoga and self-care.

Neo, I can relate a lot to what you shared. When the thought of never drinking again comes to mind it really spins me out. I just repeat to myself "I don't know if I am ever going to drink again, but I will NOT drink today." I don't know why but it eases up that feeling and so far it's passed fairly quickly.

I hope everyone has a great day today. Checking in with you all means a lot, thanks for helping me stay sober today.

Badger07

Day 25. Get back on the horse Viper. You are sober today!

badgerden

Congrats on 30 Stronger!!!

RAL- How are you doing? I haven't heard from you in awhile, check in please!

Badge07- whats up?

Viper- as others have said,, please don't kick yourself to hard. You will just be stronger from now on.

This is my Monday, changing to nights. Which will force me to make a plan to stay healthy and not get burned out. Number one is to not sit around and watch tv or play on the computer, because " I have to go to work" like I have done before. Since I get off at 4 am, my plan is to sleep till noon, get my walk in with the dogs, and some house work done before I have to go back, which is 4 pm. That's the plan anyway, will let you know if I can follow through.

Speaking of getting busy,, I had best do that.

stay focused all!

Badge

Badger07

Hi BadgerDen. I am just working my plan and self reflecting.

Read an article the other day about Robert Downey Jr. He has had significant addiction problems. One thing he said that really resonated with me was that quitting was not the hard part. The hard part was getting to a place where he wanted to quit.

I was sober for 1 year 7 months then relapsed. I am in hell right now trying to make amends but I have had a real awakening. I don't want to drink anymore. I dont want to get sick. I don't want to feel the despair (I know why people take their lives and become homeless). I want my respect and integrity back. I want peace and happiness. I want my family, friends and employees to be able to rely on me. Therefore I choose not drink. This fact gives me some inner peace.

That is the difference from the last attempt at quitting. The last attempt was based on pure willpower not to drink. However, I still struggled with the prospect of never drinking again. I have now unconditionally surrendered. Drinking is an immovable object for me. I must find a different path. I will find a different path. If I lower my head and try to hit it again I don't think I will survive it. Its academic - I simply can't drink. And its now my lifelong mission to work on staying sober.

Leeloo

Hi guys. Just a quick check in. Still on holidays so not online as much. Still sober and enjoying it. Trying to figure out how to deal with constant albeit mild anxiety. Have actually had enough energy to work out a bit the last two days which helps a lot.
Hope you're all doing well, will catch up properly soon.

Rob65

Just checking in. Stayed sober over the weekend. Today is day 7 for me. 7 days ago it seemed like an impossible task to go 7 days without drinking.....but here I am. Looking forward to the next 7 days of clean living. Hang in there class....let's all stay sober. PEACE!! ✌

Stronger2017

Well done on seven days, Rob😀

ReadyAtLast

Hi all

Badge - how are you? Glad to hear you had a great weekend away I'm good thanks. Had a terrible migraine last evening so didn't come online much then today is always a busy day with after school activities. 1 day left at work then 3 days off which although will be busy I'm looking forward to.

Congrats on day 7 Rob and 30 days Stronger

Congrats on staying sober on hols Leeloo. I'm away next week so it's helpful to read about others staying sober on hols.

Badger- I understand. The most important thing I get from not drinking is peace of mind.

Good job throwing the wine out Kachal.

Welcome back Viper. It's good to have you back. Maybe make a plan for next time temptation strikes?

HNS- sorry to hear you had a bad night and anxiety is high. it's great your husband sounds supportive. Hope you get the issues with your child out.

Neo -a couple of weeks ago I had crippling anxiety and depression. I was also in tears most evenings. The dark evenings and weather don't help either. t did pass though. I try and eat a bit better and it helps. I hope you feel better soon.

not much else here, just busy with life and plodding along.Good week at work and trying to tie things up before I go away for a couple of weeks.

Night all. 11pm here now and shattered!

Viperidae

Thanks everyone.

I had a decent day. I did make it down to the shore to visit my buddy in town from Europe. It was a good visit.

Now I’ve some soup to eat from Whole Foods. A huge container of chicken and rice soup. A carton of strawberries to chomp down afterwards. Return of the Jedi, Nature, are on tonight. I watched Empire Strikes Back last night and did not remember how cool that movie is. Also episodes of Gotham to catch up on.

Sober at least.

More later Viper

Sober369

Hello all, just checking in. Not feeling great tonight, just achy, but glad to be sober. Going to get some good sleep and feel better in the morning.
Sorry you relapsed Viper! I hope you can get right back to staying sober.
Hugs to all and good night!

Purplrks3647

Hello everyone ~ just checking in.....day off work tomorrow.....my AV has been quiet so I don't have any cravings to drink later, but we all know how that goes....it can sneak up on us outta nowhere! I'll need to stay close to SR

Neo28

Day 27. Challenging day, been at terms with how much of me is there when I drank and how much was not. Not sure if that's a good thing to analyze. Been so focused on my obvious mistakes and regrets while drunk that I think I have failed to see how it hurt me everyday.

My ex was a very push and pull type, constantly questioning how much we were giving to each other. At times too much, others too little. It was very difficult to know how much to give and it definitely had an unstable effect on me. The slightest mistake on my part would make me this horrible person to her no matter how well I handled things, but then it could be back to extreme emotional highs. With work I would feel like a punching bag and treated unfairly with many broken promises. But I didn't stand up for myself. I just took the self pity, allowed myself to feel low, allowed the anger to build and then drank. As long as I could drink that was my answer.

I repressed a lot and and just took what was handed to me. Letting everything go by as I could self medicate later. I know I'm an alcoholic, it ruins my life with no question. But it was really halting my life more then I thought. It was my go to for emotional problems before I even picked up a bottle.

hns - That has really been a key for me. My mind gets so overwhelmed otherwise and just panics. Congrats on day 33! I get anxiety attacks in my sleep as well. Jumps me up with my heart racing. Not a fan of them. Hope they get better.

Readyatlast - Thank you, glad to hear the anxiety and depression has calmed down. A new diet has been very high on my list, hoping that will help. I ate really poorly before I quit.

Stronger2017

Hello everyone. Yesterday, I hopefully ditched some emotional resentments I had towards some people close to me. I'm not currently going to AA but I did it in a similar way. I wrote down the specific things that happened that I didn't like and then I thought about my role in them and then I let them go. It felt cathartic and I so hope I'm on the way to getting better. I really don't want to be burdened with toxic self-pity about things from the past anymore. Obviously, I wasn't able to do that a month ago when I was drinking. I guess the weekly therapy sessions have helped too.

I've reached out to the people involved and will talk with them over the weekend. I actually think it's going to be okay😀 Oh, and I also owe it to myself (and the program) to reread the Big Book.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all.

Neo28

I do the same thing with writing Stronger, it has definitely been a good method for me. Glad it's helping!

Sober369

Good morning all.
Neo, I know what you mean about alcohol being your answer. It was mine, too! Now, when I start feeling bad emotions, a lot of the time my mind turns to alcohol right away. I hate that and hope it gets better fast! I haven't craved it or had serious thoughts of using it in the past six weeks. It's more of an empty feeling, like missing my friend who I know can take the feelings away, if only for a few minutes. I'm grateful that's as far as it's gotten so far and I want to keep it that way! Yesterday I called my sponsor and we talked and by the time I got off the phone with her the idea was gone. I was just feeling pressured and uncertain at work.
Getting very tired is a trigger for me, too. I have to put my recovery first before anything else.
Hugs to you all, and happy sober day. I'm so glad the weekend is almost here!

Stronger2017

Thanks Neo🙂 I really want to crack this now!

Dee74

Next part here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-3-a.html (Class of September 2017 Support Thread Part 3)

D