So Glad!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 30
So Glad!
hi! so glad i found a secular 'forum'. I have been an AA member for 20 years and I am having a hard time forcing myself to go to the meetings anymore. I was once a hard-core 'born again' believer but after many years of questioning - I have now dropped out completely and consider myself an agnostic. I must admit, everything was easier when I was a 'believer'. I have found my path a little difficult. I have become quite introverted and prefer to write on support forums as go to the actual meetings.
My husband (who is also a 'member') does not know how I really feel. He just thinks that I am taking a break from the meetings. I feel that there is so much more than just the 'big book' when it comes to staying sober and that includes nutrition, exercise and a strong decision not to drink again.
But I am afraid that I have heard so many times in the program that if you do not regularly attend meetings - you will eventually go back to drinking. So I go to a meeting every couple of weeks. My life long friends are starting to notice and I find myself 'White lying' and telling them that I went to a certain meeting the other day.
I am going through a bit of confusion. I find myself disagreeing with my friends on so many points. These friends litterly live by the 'big book'like I used to live by the bible and now I am seeing the resemblance.
I am not even sure if I should be writing this -but I'll give it a try to see if any of you went through this dillemma.
Please help a friend who wants to stay sober.
Margee
My husband (who is also a 'member') does not know how I really feel. He just thinks that I am taking a break from the meetings. I feel that there is so much more than just the 'big book' when it comes to staying sober and that includes nutrition, exercise and a strong decision not to drink again.
But I am afraid that I have heard so many times in the program that if you do not regularly attend meetings - you will eventually go back to drinking. So I go to a meeting every couple of weeks. My life long friends are starting to notice and I find myself 'White lying' and telling them that I went to a certain meeting the other day.
I am going through a bit of confusion. I find myself disagreeing with my friends on so many points. These friends litterly live by the 'big book'like I used to live by the bible and now I am seeing the resemblance.
I am not even sure if I should be writing this -but I'll give it a try to see if any of you went through this dillemma.
Please help a friend who wants to stay sober.
Margee
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,954
Hi Margee and welcome to SoberRecovery. Also welcome to Secular Connections.
I would like to comment about AA but according to the Secular Connections rules "12 Step Programs are off topic for this forum". You might want to consider copying your post and pasting it over in the Secular 12 Step Recovery forum. I'm not sure, but I think it might be better off over there.
What I can say is that I use a combination of addiction treatment modalities. SMART Recovery and CBT are the two primary components of my addiction treatment. I also go to ** meetings for fellowship in recovery and attend a recovery group at the county health clinic. That and a lot of other stuff goes into my addiction treatment, actually my dual-diagnosis treatment plan.
Everything I do in recovery basically boils down to what you wrote:
I'm the one who picked up the drink and I'm only one who can put it down. The best way to exhibit my determination is through my actions. Everything I use in recovery, I see as an aid to assist or a skill to acquire that helps me remain resilient in my decision to live a satisfying life drug free.
I would like to comment about AA but according to the Secular Connections rules "12 Step Programs are off topic for this forum". You might want to consider copying your post and pasting it over in the Secular 12 Step Recovery forum. I'm not sure, but I think it might be better off over there.
What I can say is that I use a combination of addiction treatment modalities. SMART Recovery and CBT are the two primary components of my addiction treatment. I also go to ** meetings for fellowship in recovery and attend a recovery group at the county health clinic. That and a lot of other stuff goes into my addiction treatment, actually my dual-diagnosis treatment plan.
Everything I do in recovery basically boils down to what you wrote:
Originally Posted by Margee
a strong decision not to drink again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 30
whoops - and thank you for responding. how would I go about deleting this? This forum is so big - I am so excited that I just posted hoping I was in the right place. I am still looking all around. I would prefer to stay with the 'secular' recovery. 
Margee
Margee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: rochester ny
Posts: 164
Hi margee! Glad you found this forum! I love it here and I'm optimistic that it might be picking up again. I go to AA meetings once, sometimes twice a week and I find that its enough. Yeah, I hear you about people living literally by the BB. I have some friends like that but we talk about other things. My aa friends nowadays are my friends because we connect on a level other than recovery. A big shift for me was when I quit worrying what the aa culture had to say about how I work my program/live my life, and started to work from a place of "what do these concepts in aa mean to ME, and how can I grow in effectiveness in carrying the message?" Yaknow what else? I found I wasn't alone. I have deep fellowship with AA's who feel similar to the way I do. I didn't seek them out, it just happened! Read some of the older posts here..these folks have some real wisdom to share. Welcome!
Human
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by Margee 
thank you ananda! Someone, please helllllllllllllllllllllllpppppp! 
Margee
MargeeWhen I go to normie AA meetings (I also go to agnostic meetings) I concentrate on the stories of the people's lives. What happened and what they are doing today. When they say "god got me sober" I just translate that to my own belief and let them have their belief.
I would say that in most AA meetings today 10% or less of the time is spent talking about god or beliefs, and the rest of the time is about the reality of living in the human race.
John
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Margee,
I also struggle with a lot in AA. I go to very alternative AA meetings (along with Women for Sobriety meetings and I also use SMART techniques from their website). I'm bothered by the worshipping of the BB. I don't think it was meant to be worshipped.
Not sure what to suggest. I know it is hard not to buy into the idea that if you quit meetings, you'll drink again. People say that over and over. However, I think research studies show that many different programs work, as well as getting sober by oneself. But I know I am influenced by the belief that AA is the only effective way.
I doubt that I will always go to meetings. However, I think for me it will be important to always have some connection to recovery. But I can be connected to recovery without AA.
It must be especially hard since your partner and friends are aa people.
Keep posting!!!!
Stacy
I also struggle with a lot in AA. I go to very alternative AA meetings (along with Women for Sobriety meetings and I also use SMART techniques from their website). I'm bothered by the worshipping of the BB. I don't think it was meant to be worshipped.
Not sure what to suggest. I know it is hard not to buy into the idea that if you quit meetings, you'll drink again. People say that over and over. However, I think research studies show that many different programs work, as well as getting sober by oneself. But I know I am influenced by the belief that AA is the only effective way.
I doubt that I will always go to meetings. However, I think for me it will be important to always have some connection to recovery. But I can be connected to recovery without AA.
It must be especially hard since your partner and friends are aa people.
Keep posting!!!!
Stacy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Margee....its ok..it is what it is 
Going to AA isn't about what you get....it's about giving away what you can to the newly sober person!
Thats the way it's been explained to me...honestly...a strong desire not to drink hasn't helped me much...but that is your experience... and your experience is what you have to share.
I've come to believe that there are many "types" of alchoholics...no one is "better or worse" than another....and AA is a place today where people share their own experince to help the newcomer...
I suspect you will have to have some serious talks with your husband....that could be a tough one....but when you talk rememmber....it isn't that his way or the BB way is wrong...it's just that how it works for you is a bit different...
when i honestly shared with my "big book thumping" sponsor....and then ran into confuseion on step 3...she called her big book thumper sponsor and that woman told her...tell her to get back to her buddhism...it works for her
we then moved on with my conception of an HP...
just an example
Going to AA isn't about what you get....it's about giving away what you can to the newly sober person!
Thats the way it's been explained to me...honestly...a strong desire not to drink hasn't helped me much...but that is your experience... and your experience is what you have to share.
I've come to believe that there are many "types" of alchoholics...no one is "better or worse" than another....and AA is a place today where people share their own experince to help the newcomer...
I suspect you will have to have some serious talks with your husband....that could be a tough one....but when you talk rememmber....it isn't that his way or the BB way is wrong...it's just that how it works for you is a bit different...
when i honestly shared with my "big book thumping" sponsor....and then ran into confuseion on step 3...she called her big book thumper sponsor and that woman told her...tell her to get back to her buddhism...it works for her
we then moved on with my conception of an HP...
just an example
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Margee
... I am afraid that I have heard so many times in the program that if you do not regularly attend meetings - you will eventually go back to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
ok..back in the day....they published the book alchoholics anonomys because meetings didnt' even friggin exist.
In the 70s people overseas had very little options on meetings
meetings are a GREAT tool...but they are not the be all end all....are you working the steps...????
that is the answer...meetings are just a big help for many...not the answer it's self...
i mean crp...if you go to meetings and you end up drinking...90% of the people are gonna stop going to meetins...which came first ...
sorry...but i went to meetings 1-2 a day before i drank again the first time i went to AA....
Meetings help...go to them if you can....bottom line meetings do not equal sobriety...
I do believe the steps are the best answer...so....are you working steps?
In the 70s people overseas had very little options on meetings
meetings are a GREAT tool...but they are not the be all end all....are you working the steps...????
that is the answer...meetings are just a big help for many...not the answer it's self...
i mean crp...if you go to meetings and you end up drinking...90% of the people are gonna stop going to meetins...which came first ...
sorry...but i went to meetings 1-2 a day before i drank again the first time i went to AA....
Meetings help...go to them if you can....bottom line meetings do not equal sobriety...
I do believe the steps are the best answer...so....are you working steps?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
I sent you a PM. I wrote something, but erased it. I commented on AA and referenced NA literature, which is a big no, no here. Its the main reasons why I don't post much here since I am a non-believer, but I go to AA. Its hard for me to talk about recovery without occasionally mentioning AA.
Bests,
Bests,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
This is the Secular 12 step forum. It's ok to mention the 12 steps and AA and NA here.
You can mention AA/NA/12 steps in every forum except Secular Connections.
Literature rights and copyright restrictions etc are not set by SR, but by the copyright holder.
D
You can mention AA/NA/12 steps in every forum except Secular Connections.
Literature rights and copyright restrictions etc are not set by SR, but by the copyright holder.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 30
Thank you all so much for responding! All of your information is just what I needed to hear. I do feel better tonight. Went to a meeting last night and thoughly enjoyed the topics of discussion (and my friends!)
I think the thing to do here is for me to keep my eye on all the 'positives'. Take what I need and leave the rest behind. There were 2 newcomers last night and I know they appreciated all the 'input' of information that we gave them. There was a glimmer of hope in their eyes. I remember that all too well - thinking that I might actually be able to give up drinking.
I will go and practive step 12 to give others the hope that I felt at my very first meeting! Thank you all again!
Margee
I think the thing to do here is for me to keep my eye on all the 'positives'. Take what I need and leave the rest behind. There were 2 newcomers last night and I know they appreciated all the 'input' of information that we gave them. There was a glimmer of hope in their eyes. I remember that all too well - thinking that I might actually be able to give up drinking.
I will go and practive step 12 to give others the hope that I felt at my very first meeting! Thank you all again!
Margee
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