Another n00b
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 25
Another n00b
Hey guys.
So, here's my timeline:
2000 - I'd never drank before, but found out my husband had cheated on me, and went on a 2 week insane depression "keep drinking vodka or kill myself" binge
Snapped out of that, started drinking a 40 of malt liquor a day, most days
2002 - moved into a commune with friends where we all just drank beer constantly. Best time in my life to be honest, just fun as hell and no drama surprisingly, but after about a year of I freaked out wondering if I was an alcoholic and joined AA. Went to AA for a few months, stayed sober, quit AA, and started drinking beer with the friends again about 6 months later.
2003- got pregnant, quit easily cold turkey, didn't drink for another year and a half or so. Started drinking beer again, quantities increasing over time till...
2007 - pregnant again, quit easily again, this time quit for 2 years.
2009 - Started drinking beer again, same patter of increasing quantities (always only late at night after having kids, tho) till...
6 months ago. Became suddenly allergic to beer!!!
Now, growing up both of my parents were really raging, off the charts alcoholics (dad's homeless now, mom's been to the ER twice with DTs/seizures trying to quit, etc. They drank gallons of the hard stuff a week, dad all day every day. So, I'd always considered the hard stuff heroin-level dangerous and stayed away from it.
But now, while I can drink wine coolers, I can physically only drink them very slowly and never want more than a few, so, no buzz. Just anxiety disorder placebo effect self-med at nights. And I missed feeling inebriated, so I started drinking the hard stuff, but only a couple/few times a week. Which I can rationalize ok.
But if I wake up in the morning after drinking whisky and see a little left in the bottle, I have NO willpower to not make myself a couple of mixed drinks for breakfast, which is of course, Not OK. And then I'm only mildly buzzed and the crave for more kicks in, which would involve drunk driving at that point, and I'm good about not doing that, but then I'm just irritated. lol. It's all so stupid. I'm sitting there half drunk and saying to myself "You knew this was going to happen, athena. What's wrong with you?"
Also, I think I've given myself an alcohol abuse triggered/exacerbated anxiety disorder. And depression, and extreme insomnia (I can ONLY sleep on whisky nights...so, most days of the week, I don't sleep at all.). And a panic disorder where the attacks last for hours if I don't go out and get a couple of wine coolers to down as fast as I can. None of this is even remotely ok, and I don't have health insurance and we're really poor.
I've always been mildly skeptical of modern mental healthcare, but thought I would give it a shot if I was ever desperate enough. And yeah, I'm significantly messed up right now and thinking I should figure out a way to save up for a visit to a shrink.
So, here's my timeline:
2000 - I'd never drank before, but found out my husband had cheated on me, and went on a 2 week insane depression "keep drinking vodka or kill myself" binge
Snapped out of that, started drinking a 40 of malt liquor a day, most days
2002 - moved into a commune with friends where we all just drank beer constantly. Best time in my life to be honest, just fun as hell and no drama surprisingly, but after about a year of I freaked out wondering if I was an alcoholic and joined AA. Went to AA for a few months, stayed sober, quit AA, and started drinking beer with the friends again about 6 months later.
2003- got pregnant, quit easily cold turkey, didn't drink for another year and a half or so. Started drinking beer again, quantities increasing over time till...
2007 - pregnant again, quit easily again, this time quit for 2 years.
2009 - Started drinking beer again, same patter of increasing quantities (always only late at night after having kids, tho) till...
6 months ago. Became suddenly allergic to beer!!!
Now, growing up both of my parents were really raging, off the charts alcoholics (dad's homeless now, mom's been to the ER twice with DTs/seizures trying to quit, etc. They drank gallons of the hard stuff a week, dad all day every day. So, I'd always considered the hard stuff heroin-level dangerous and stayed away from it.
But now, while I can drink wine coolers, I can physically only drink them very slowly and never want more than a few, so, no buzz. Just anxiety disorder placebo effect self-med at nights. And I missed feeling inebriated, so I started drinking the hard stuff, but only a couple/few times a week. Which I can rationalize ok.
But if I wake up in the morning after drinking whisky and see a little left in the bottle, I have NO willpower to not make myself a couple of mixed drinks for breakfast, which is of course, Not OK. And then I'm only mildly buzzed and the crave for more kicks in, which would involve drunk driving at that point, and I'm good about not doing that, but then I'm just irritated. lol. It's all so stupid. I'm sitting there half drunk and saying to myself "You knew this was going to happen, athena. What's wrong with you?"
Also, I think I've given myself an alcohol abuse triggered/exacerbated anxiety disorder. And depression, and extreme insomnia (I can ONLY sleep on whisky nights...so, most days of the week, I don't sleep at all.). And a panic disorder where the attacks last for hours if I don't go out and get a couple of wine coolers to down as fast as I can. None of this is even remotely ok, and I don't have health insurance and we're really poor.
I've always been mildly skeptical of modern mental healthcare, but thought I would give it a shot if I was ever desperate enough. And yeah, I'm significantly messed up right now and thinking I should figure out a way to save up for a visit to a shrink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome to SR Athena1...No matter what package it comes in...Alcohol is alcohol...Beer almost did me in. This is a great site for online support....Glad you are here. You get a chance....You might want to read this from the Big Book of AA. It was the first thing I read on alcoholism.....I also came from a family of alcoholics.
The Doctor's Opinion
The Doctor's Opinion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 25
I went to AA for a while, but it didn't really click with me. I liked the people, but the program...I dunno. I'm a really skeptical, argumentative person (and I'm also an atheist now, so the higher power part would be tricky at best.)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 111
I, too, need to see a shrink. I'm fortunate enough to have insurance, but guess what they said when I called to set up an appointment? 4 month waiting list! Seriously!? I'm struggling RIGHT NOW. I need my social anxiety and insomnia addressed asap.
But anyway, welcome Athena! Are you considering cutting down/stopping soon? I attempted the "I'm just gonna get a little buzzed" thing by going to the store right before liquor cut-off time and buying a 6-pack, so I couldn't go out and buy more when the 6 were gone. It just ended up being disappointing and like a "why bother" kind of thing, so.
But anyway, welcome Athena! Are you considering cutting down/stopping soon? I attempted the "I'm just gonna get a little buzzed" thing by going to the store right before liquor cut-off time and buying a 6-pack, so I couldn't go out and buy more when the 6 were gone. It just ended up being disappointing and like a "why bother" kind of thing, so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by driftapart 
I, too, need to see a shrink. I'm fortunate enough to have insurance, but guess what they said when I called to set up an appointment? 4 month waiting list! Seriously!? I'm struggling RIGHT NOW. I need my social anxiety and insomnia addressed asap.
But anyway, welcome Athena! Are you considering cutting down/stopping soon? I attempted the "I'm just gonna get a little buzzed" thing by going to the store right before liquor cut-off time and buying a 6-pack, so I couldn't go out and buy more when the 6 were gone. It just ended up being disappointing and like a "why bother" kind of thing, so.
But anyway, welcome Athena! Are you considering cutting down/stopping soon? I attempted the "I'm just gonna get a little buzzed" thing by going to the store right before liquor cut-off time and buying a 6-pack, so I couldn't go out and buy more when the 6 were gone. It just ended up being disappointing and like a "why bother" kind of thing, so.
Saying goodby to ever ever ever getting drunk is just a heavy concept. It's not really something I want right now. I just want to be able to fall asleep without drinking freaking whisky!
(and my insomnia in the past has gone on for 2 weeks before...14 days of no sleep...I went totally nuts and delusional, etc, and so I really don't want to play around with anything like that ever again.)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Sapling
Maybe you should look into AVRT or SMART. There are some people on here that use those.
If I make the final choice to totally say to hell with drinking ever again, that's what I'll do.
My Acloholic Voice is just arguing with me about if i really need to say "I am never drinking again ever, period" or if I could modify that to something...more appealing to the Alcoholic Voice. lol
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Athena1
If I make the final choice to totally say to hell with drinking ever again, that's what I'll do.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Athena1
My Acloholic Voice is just arguing with me about if i really need to say "I am never drinking again ever, period" or if I could modify that to something...more appealing to the Alcoholic Voice. lol
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Hello and welcome to SR 
I used to have SO much trouble sleeping... I would go to bed and lie there for hours, sometimes the entire night. It was horrible, so I feel for you, but I'll be honest: drinking doesn't help any of that. It knocks you out when you're drunk, sure, but it was only when I quit drinking entirely that my insomnia got better. I now very rarely have trouble sleeping.
'Never' may be a hard word to say right now to your drinking... but when I said it, and really meant it and accepted it - enjoyed it, in fact - I was finally liberated and able to get on with my life. Knowing that I will never drink again has eliminated so much anxiety... I really do feel free from alcohol... and that 'never' word is probably the reason why.
Hope you stick around and post lots, it really does help.
Wishing you all the best.
I used to have SO much trouble sleeping... I would go to bed and lie there for hours, sometimes the entire night. It was horrible, so I feel for you, but I'll be honest: drinking doesn't help any of that. It knocks you out when you're drunk, sure, but it was only when I quit drinking entirely that my insomnia got better. I now very rarely have trouble sleeping.
'Never' may be a hard word to say right now to your drinking... but when I said it, and really meant it and accepted it - enjoyed it, in fact - I was finally liberated and able to get on with my life. Knowing that I will never drink again has eliminated so much anxiety... I really do feel free from alcohol... and that 'never' word is probably the reason why.
Hope you stick around and post lots, it really does help.
Wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
Your post is so very sad.
When I first heard someone say that alcoholism was a form of insanity I scoffed - I had no idea what they meant. I had a similar reaction to the disease "concept" of alcoholism. I have learned a lot since.
Your post illustrates that when you are in the grips of the insanity of alcoholism you can't really see it.
If someone (other than an alcoholic) read your post, they would likely say "my god, how can this woman possibly believe that it is ok to have any amount of alcohol in her life, ever?" I understand where you are because I have been there. I think that you have to have the disease to understand why someone in your position would be hesitant, even afraid, to say "never, no more." Alcohol cost me everything I had but in my early sobriety I spent so much time and energry planning about when I could return to drinking - what precautions I would take to control it this time. Life without alcohol was unimaginable because alcohol was such a big part of my life.
The sad, hard truth is that you can't have the good without the bad. You can't have the pleasant buzz or the "sleep-aid" without the shame, the anxiety, the depression. For everything that you think alcohol is helping you with, it is taking more and more away.
It doesn't matter what program or tools you use to recover - it is imperative that you take action and free yourself from this horrible affliction. Look at your parents, look at your progression (you used to equate hard alcohol with heroin and now you are drinking whiskey in the morning) - this is textbook alcoholism. The only effective treatment is to keep any and all alcohol out of your body.
The great news is that you can stop drinking entirely - you know you can! The disease/insanity/addictive voice is telling you that you don't want to and that you don't have to. Please don't listen.
When I first heard someone say that alcoholism was a form of insanity I scoffed - I had no idea what they meant. I had a similar reaction to the disease "concept" of alcoholism. I have learned a lot since.
Your post illustrates that when you are in the grips of the insanity of alcoholism you can't really see it.
If someone (other than an alcoholic) read your post, they would likely say "my god, how can this woman possibly believe that it is ok to have any amount of alcohol in her life, ever?" I understand where you are because I have been there. I think that you have to have the disease to understand why someone in your position would be hesitant, even afraid, to say "never, no more." Alcohol cost me everything I had but in my early sobriety I spent so much time and energry planning about when I could return to drinking - what precautions I would take to control it this time. Life without alcohol was unimaginable because alcohol was such a big part of my life.
The sad, hard truth is that you can't have the good without the bad. You can't have the pleasant buzz or the "sleep-aid" without the shame, the anxiety, the depression. For everything that you think alcohol is helping you with, it is taking more and more away.
It doesn't matter what program or tools you use to recover - it is imperative that you take action and free yourself from this horrible affliction. Look at your parents, look at your progression (you used to equate hard alcohol with heroin and now you are drinking whiskey in the morning) - this is textbook alcoholism. The only effective treatment is to keep any and all alcohol out of your body.
The great news is that you can stop drinking entirely - you know you can! The disease/insanity/addictive voice is telling you that you don't want to and that you don't have to. Please don't listen.
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