doorknob

I had 15 days of not inbibing, and chose to dip my foot in a little. I drank two beers, and I have to admit, that it felt good at the time. But today, I'm not feeling so hot. If two beers gives me a hangover, that is a pretty good indication that my body no longer does well with alcohol. I'll admit, I was trying to socialize in an alcohol filled environment. But, I made the choice before I got there that I was going to allow myself those two beers. I thought about having an NA beer, as I do like the taste of cold beer, but chose to go for the real. I wanted that buzz. I was ready for it. I have no desire to drink today, and probably won't for a while. But, I know the time will come when it will sound like a good idea. I've probably heard them before, and think I have the general idea, but I'd like to work on this with you guys/gals. What are your suggestions?

Paul

PaperDolls

Hi Paul. Sorry you're going through a bad time right now.

I'd like to be able to drink beers every now and then too. I just know that I can't. I know I'll end up back to my old ways......it's all downhill from there. When I'm in that situation, like a party or something, I just remind myself I can't drink even if I want to. I remind myself that it's my disease talking.....that voice in the back of your head that says "Oh, you can just have a few tonight......". I tune it out and pat myself on the back for being strong. I know you can do it too.

You just have to find that desire deep down inside of you.

hugs,
doll

equus

dk - they are your choices and that needs to be respected.

I can't really comment at all about working through it because I'm only human, I'm a wife, I've watched something over this last year that's been unparalalled in my small life experience. I've compared it to seeing spring after winter, to the moment when dawn breaks through darkness - but they fall short as a means to really say it. I've watched a beautiful human being fill his own skin, revive, open, and LIVE - nothing could have prepared me to know how much would change when a person chooses to part company with something harming them so much. I understand more than I have ever known about worth, human worth, self worth, life's worth.

Because of all that I can't find a way to not feel and answer the way I'd like to with complete value, respect and trust in your decision.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you though - and to know why I don't have a lot else to offer.

doorknob

Thanks Doll. I don't feel like I'm going through a bad time really (although the headache sucks). I just made a not so good decision, and want to examine it a bit, so that next time, I might make a better choice. I do quite well going to karaoke and not drinking because the joy I get from singing/rapping seems to supercede any desires to drink. Yesterday really wasn't about the situation. I just wanted some relief, to be able to relax, which I seem to have a hard time doing naturally, largely due to constant OCD symptoms.

doorknob

Thank you Equus. I appreciate your support, and think about your description of D's journey often. It gives me hope that I can work this out, and move forward a bit in my life.

equus

Don't narrow your thinking to 'a bit' there's a LOT on offer!! Can you imagine what a pain in the ass I was for D to live with?

Blake

I wish you luck with that DK. The only thing I can speak from is personal experience, I personally would love to be able to get a little drunk every once and a while. However, I have tried this in the past and for me, it just doesn't work. I am not the kinda person that can have a couple of drinks, or a couple of pills. When I drink or use, I go all out.

I am in no way saying that it is impossible to return to "normal" drinking, but it is highly improbably for someone that would be considered an alcoholic to be able to do that, it is with in the realm of possibility though, just not mine when I really get honest with myself.

Be careful in what ever you do, it is a very very slippery slope. Stay honest with yourself. If you see it being a problem, don't just ignore it, do something about it.

Blake

but of course, not drinking at all would be the safest thing....

doorknob

Hey Blake. I agree with you 100%, and my goal is indeed, to not drink at all. I just seem to forget.

BigSis

Hey DK... I wish I could have 2 beers. I might be able to, if like you, I planned for it and kept vigilant and made sure my head was in the right place before I did it....

But what I know from MY experience, is that at some point, I will tell myself that well, I ALWAYS handle beer just fine... I can just drink some... without all the work of preparing and monitoring and vigilance.

Damn.... next thing I know.... I don't know.

Controlled drinking is too f-n hard for me.

I don't think I have anything like OCD... just obsessive thinking, and my solutions for that are to change gears/location/activity. Have you tried meditation?

Bobbybanned

Hello Paul, (Doorknob)
Hi. I'm Bobby. I'm new around these parts. Nice to meet you.
I saw that you asked for some suggestions. Well, suggestions are difficult to give for such a complicated and mountainous task. A plan is only as good as the commintment to it. I wish I could tell you to wake up tomorrow, blink twice, do ten jumping jacks, eat some fiber and all will be well. But the fact of the matter is, you need to make a decision. I am assuming it isn't an easy one, just as I am assuming you have been struggling with this decision before now. I can tell you this....if you decide to stop once and for all, it will suck for some time. But at a certain point (whenever that will be) the struggling becomes something else. Something that is better.
I cannot say it better than equus said it. What was described is why the decision should be made.

Prior to my quitting all mind and mood altering substances 27 months ago, I constantly battled with emotions that were very unpleasant as a result of my using. Those battles do not exist anymore. Those experiences preoccuppied my days before. Now I am concerned about other things that still are sometimes bothersome, but even when they are, it is just better, I am capable in a way that I wasn't before to deal. In addition, I do not have that argument with myself if I will use or not. It just is not an option. It becomes a way of life after a while. Kind of like knowing that if I use it is equivalent to knowing that if I walk in front a moving bus I just might die. The process is actually simple, it is just hard to go through.
The only thing I think I can suggest is that you do some searching. Inside yourself. Determine why you want to use anything. Determine why you don't. Be honest with yourself and decide rather or not you want to change your life. Decide Paul. Simply decide.

I wish you the best regardless of your decision.

Your friend, Bobby

PS
I thought I was the only one who used the word "doorknob"
I call people that sometimes as a friendly (funning around) insult when they do stupid stuff.
I seem to refer to myself as that though more than others. All in good fun!
take it easy.

BSPGirl

Well seems you controlled yourself pretty much else you would have had more than 2 beer.

Marte

Bobbybanned

There is this guy who signs his posts with some good words, (you might even know the guy) maybe they can spark some certain way of thinking for you.

"A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence."

Good Luck,
Bobby

aloneagainor

Problem with just a couple beers is it keeps the OPTION to use open.
Keeping the option open keeps us stuck in thinking about it, obsessing over it. I know cuz I'm stuck. Stuck inside my head, going out of my mind. That's the game we're playing in toying with addiction this way. Just a little pot...and I'm seeking to trip. With that, I'm just going to read the posts generated by your question, with a word of thanks for asking it. At least you know how to ask for help. Way to connect.

Ngokpa

It takes a while (and education) to get used to the idea that drinking isn't fun any more, but there are other pleasures in the world.

doorknob

Yeah, it's too hard, and it always snowballs, given enough time.

I tried some kind of meditation with a therapist some years ago. I don't think I really got it though.

doorknob

Thanks for your message Bobby. You're right, I've been struggling with this for quite some time, and have made a plan many times, only to renege on it weeks or months later.

Choosing the name 'doorknob' was a response to the many times I have been told that my HP could be one. I've thought about getting rid of it, but people seem to like it.

Good to meet you too!

doorknob

Word!

doorknob

Thanks Gainor. I wish there was a f2f group like this 'round these parts.

doorknob

Thanks Ngokpa. I seem to be a slow learner.

I've been gone for quite a while, but I'm a Bay Area native. I miss it sometimes.