I'm not even sure. I haven't been able to sleep worth crap the last three nights, I drank one stupid energy drink yesterday and felt like I was on meth, my car, which I use for one of my jobs, and have put $2,500 into is blowing oil out of the cylinder head, and I'm told it isn't worth fixing, my SO is underemployed, and I've been paying all the monthly bills (except rent) for months... I just want to load my car up and bail...

Oh yes, the volatility of life and associated emotions. They can overwhelm. Fortunately you also have the capacity to override them. I think of bailing pretty much every day. But also every day I'm reminded why I stay where I am. There are positives and negatives everywhere you look, depends on how you choose to look at things. You're in Washington state? Man, I'd be heading for the ocean or those amazing Cascade mountains for a day hike were I there. I was in Washington 15 years ago and before leaving promised myself I'd one day return, that's amazingly beautiful country. I hope you can find some peace today.

Yeah, I live right at the base of those mountains, and right on a beautiful river. I'm usually very appreciative of that, it justifies not being able to make any money, and not being able to do the kind of work I love (teaching gymnastics). Thanks for reminding me. I'm gonna hop in the shower and rap along to Eminem's first album.

Yeah. I understand completely Paul. I feel like that almost every day.....

I have been thinking about my freedom a lot lately. Even though I feel "stuck" much of the time, recognizing that I am free takes a lot of pressure off..... and that by acknowledging my freedom, I am also acknowledging that my obligations are choices also. It makes me accountable, and while that isn't always comfortable, it's also a reminder that my destiny is of my creation. That's a liberating thought in itself.

Just remember that you are always free.

That is so similiar to how I look at where I'm at. I'll never have much money living this way, but I love this country. All I need to do to remind myself why I'm still here (physically and mentally) is head out my back door, call the dogs, and go for a woodland walk. Nature has a calming effect, reminding me what is beautiful and precious and wonderful about life itself. Listening to music...equally appreciable. Happy day to you...

Made it! I feel a bit better today. Thanks for listening! :)

Hey - I used to teach gymnastics too. I hope today is a good day!

hugs,
doll

I'm really missing it, and missing just being in the gym. I want to tumble, swing, and bounce!! Thanks PD, you too! :)

You sound great today, you little monkey!

How are things going?

I'm not doing too bad... On Wednesday, I'll have two weeks alcohol free on either side of that 2 beer session. I haven't had any desires to drink, although I am still leaning on the other substance a bit, and not having it for a couple of days, had a lot to do with my low frustration tolerance the other day. It's easier for me to focus on my issue with pot, with alcohol out of the picture. I'm finding that some of my pot use was to counter the anxiety and w/d's caused by the alcohol, so I'm using less. I've also started back on Prozac for my OCD, which should also help with depression as well. I actually feel like I'm making some progress...

Double, triple thanks!
 

Wow - what a great post Paul. I really am so proud of you! It sounds like you're putting things in perspective quite well, and it shows! Your thoughts seem much less scattered and more organized; you're even studying Smartie terms like Low Frustration Tolerance. WooHoo pally! Lol. Good news too on starting again with the Prozac. I know you need a higher dosage for it to be any real benefit, but keep at it. At least you know what works for now. Maybe later you can experiment with some of the newer meds and find something more effective.

Big cyber hugs to you (((Knob))).....

Thanks Autumn. :) I just started reading the dain bramage thread this morning, and I'm wondering how much I've sustained from doing 'things'... LOL!

I know it Knob. It's really scary to ponder. I think we're doing okay though. Have you ever met someone who has sustained a lot of damage from taking drugs? The differences are very apparent, and quite sad. I think we have enough left to earn degrees, balance checkbooks, have normal relationships, etc. It's old age that's got me worried.

Omg.... I just noticed you wrote "dain bramage".....

:lmao

Well, I guess I ain't so fortunate after all.

Too funny.

Thanks for the laugh! I gotta go work for a while. I shall return...

Peace. :)

Don't get me going on Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT). I live that way. It's my major weakness right now. :uzi2:

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