Five

If someone took the mikey out of me when I was drinking, I was so sensitive, so hyper vigilant, paranoid, afraid etc that I would literally crumble behind a nervous laugh. Would go home and ruminate about how weird, horrible, and crazy I was, and then write a poem and try and think to myself 'it does not matter, this awful feelings are because you are a poet' or something that would explain away being almost totally maladjusted to reality.

So, the longer I have stayed of the drink, the more a few inner resources have had the chance to be learnt, and I get stronger, like a feeling that although I feel afraid I dont have to go home, sit in my pants, crying my face off, afraid that I was going mad. I can cope. I guess that is what I have given myself by being sober. I never learnt that in AA. And not really in CBT either. Just the longer I have been off the source, the stronger I get - because I am moving on naturallly - like a slow, up and down, one step forward, two back etc, journey. Consuming huge amounts of alcohol and drugs a lot of the time was a major obstacle for me actually surviving in the world.

Anyway, having a post festival at the moment, posted about three in five minutes, so will shut up. It was a real pleasure to share this though.

Peace, 5.