I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I’m in Despair
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Just read this on another thread, and gathering quotes for my thread....so here’s the first one, which I love:
In my experience the lying mind is my AV and the better part of me is my Authentic Self, or my soul, conscience. I don’t suppose it can be labelled, but it loves me, whereas the AV doesn’t care whether I die or not, would willingly encourage me to drink myself to death.
Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser 
It's good that you're observing what your mind is doing in those trying times when drinking seems inevitable. Our minds plays all kinds of tricks with us and we need to always be paying attention to the signals it's sending us. But that doesn't mean we have to go along unquestioningly. Our minds often lie to us! They'll package a sudden urge to drink with a feeling of inevitability, or just general doom and dread and negativity, it knows all kinds of tricks that we've fallen for in the past.
But there's a better part of ourselves that's always there with us too, that wants the best for us, that wants us to take care of these bodies we've been entrusted with, that wants us to be healthy not sick. This is the part of us that needs attention too, and careful nurturing. That's a turnabout trick we can play on our lying minds that can help us get thru the tough times.
But there's a better part of ourselves that's always there with us too, that wants the best for us, that wants us to take care of these bodies we've been entrusted with, that wants us to be healthy not sick. This is the part of us that needs attention too, and careful nurturing. That's a turnabout trick we can play on our lying minds that can help us get thru the tough times.
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Originally Posted by Tatsy
Here’s one of my posts on SR from three years ago. Sitting here, I don’t recognise that earlier Tatsy, but I’m reclaiming that Authentic Self, now. The powerful, determined, happy one. Reading the below post, hit me with startling clarity, that I’d lost ‘myself’ to addiction, once more. Never again.
As a rider, I’ll add, my reference to ‘morality’ is my own, in-built, moral-code, my true, positive core principles and beliefs. Drinking distorts me, brings out the worst in me, corrupts me, harms myself and others. So, as MesaMan says, I don’t kick my dog, and I don’t drink. Line drawn in the sand. Stepping over. I will step into the best version of Tatsy, which can only be achieved, alcohol free.
This final time: I’ll never drink again: NO MATTER WHAT. Unconditional.
I too found it useful to attach a morality issue, albeit painful. But once I'd researched the bio/neuro basis of addiction and acquired the knowledge that I had an inbuilt power to quell the addictive drive; and live my life as the Beasts’ master and not it's slave. Then at that point, to not put that power into action, would've been wrong and against my morality.
I'm newly recovered and can attest to the relief I felt, the joy and excitement, that I was free, so long as I recognised the AV.
Presently, it's screaming that 'you're a loser because you wasted so many years drinking'. It's a joke, what it really wants is to berate me so that I become depressed and waste more years drinking. Ultimately kill myself, if I let it! Well that's not happening, its views are summarily dismissed, no more white knuckling and fighting with it. IT may have a voice and feelings, but I no longer listen to IT.”
Tatsy’s back, for good. Of course, input on other homeo-sapien issues is welcome! For people who dislike the term Beast, and I do too! I prefer Dee’s parasite metaphor, or even, that part of my brain/psyche that’s affected by alcohol.
As a rider, I’ll add, my reference to ‘morality’ is my own, in-built, moral-code, my true, positive core principles and beliefs. Drinking distorts me, brings out the worst in me, corrupts me, harms myself and others. So, as MesaMan says, I don’t kick my dog, and I don’t drink. Line drawn in the sand. Stepping over. I will step into the best version of Tatsy, which can only be achieved, alcohol free.
This final time: I’ll never drink again: NO MATTER WHAT. Unconditional.
I too found it useful to attach a morality issue, albeit painful. But once I'd researched the bio/neuro basis of addiction and acquired the knowledge that I had an inbuilt power to quell the addictive drive; and live my life as the Beasts’ master and not it's slave. Then at that point, to not put that power into action, would've been wrong and against my morality.
I'm newly recovered and can attest to the relief I felt, the joy and excitement, that I was free, so long as I recognised the AV.
Presently, it's screaming that 'you're a loser because you wasted so many years drinking'. It's a joke, what it really wants is to berate me so that I become depressed and waste more years drinking. Ultimately kill myself, if I let it! Well that's not happening, its views are summarily dismissed, no more white knuckling and fighting with it. IT may have a voice and feelings, but I no longer listen to IT.”
Tatsy’s back, for good. Of course, input on other homeo-sapien issues is welcome! For people who dislike the term Beast, and I do too! I prefer Dee’s parasite metaphor, or even, that part of my brain/psyche that’s affected by alcohol.
yay!!!!! And I love the dog quote from MesaMan!!
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Tats,
So glad to see you again! I was around when those first posts were made -- you are a fiesty thing -- glad to have you back in fighting form!
The moral element of drinking after I KNEW what the result would be and the pain it would cause, was for me one of the major factors for me to stop and NQTD. And as I have said, I too am stubborn (and a bit fiesty when needed). I think that moment of knowing is key to the moral dilemna, I drank too much for a long time before I knew; but once I knew, I had to stop. Still took a while and a few rounds on the rodeo, but the gig was up, for me. I just couldn't live with it.
Same as I dont kick my dog even when the he bites me as he does. I have often used the dog quote but could not recall who originated it -- thanks MM!
So glad to see you again! I was around when those first posts were made -- you are a fiesty thing -- glad to have you back in fighting form!
The moral element of drinking after I KNEW what the result would be and the pain it would cause, was for me one of the major factors for me to stop and NQTD. And as I have said, I too am stubborn (and a bit fiesty when needed). I think that moment of knowing is key to the moral dilemna, I drank too much for a long time before I knew; but once I knew, I had to stop. Still took a while and a few rounds on the rodeo, but the gig was up, for me. I just couldn't live with it.
Same as I dont kick my dog even when the he bites me as he does. I have often used the dog quote but could not recall who originated it -- thanks MM!
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Hi Tatsy! I just found your thread. Thanks so much for posting in mine, I really appreciate all your help and kindness. I'm not into neuroscience at all, but I can recite the US tax code at will if you find that helpful! :-)
I've read back a few pages and it sounds like you're doing really well. I'll try to keep up with you here and get a feel for how you're handling sobriety. We can compare notes since we're so close in recovery.
I met with an alcoholic client today who has some tax problems and a divorce happening all at once. She's 10 months sober. I was trying to encourage her as much as I could without telling her about my own situation which I prefer to keep separate from work under the guise of professionalism. Maybe she'll realize I know a little about what I'm talking about and put 2+2 together but that's ok if she does. I know from past experience that helping others is key to my sobriety. If I can be of help to you and others that's the greatest part of my sobriety. Keep up the good work!
I've read back a few pages and it sounds like you're doing really well. I'll try to keep up with you here and get a feel for how you're handling sobriety. We can compare notes since we're so close in recovery.
I met with an alcoholic client today who has some tax problems and a divorce happening all at once. She's 10 months sober. I was trying to encourage her as much as I could without telling her about my own situation which I prefer to keep separate from work under the guise of professionalism. Maybe she'll realize I know a little about what I'm talking about and put 2+2 together but that's ok if she does. I know from past experience that helping others is key to my sobriety. If I can be of help to you and others that's the greatest part of my sobriety. Keep up the good work!
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Joe! I’m so pleased to see you tracked me down and posted here! Welcome to my thread 😃.
That was sensitive of you with your client. I absolutely agree with you, Joe, helping others is a key to sobriety. To do so raises self-esteem. Which for me, counteracts my Addictive Voice, which is quite debilatimg at times.
Thank you for offering your help, I know that will be beneficial, because you have such a long stretch of previous sobriety, and attendant experience to share. I’m so glad you posted, Joe 🤗.
That was sensitive of you with your client. I absolutely agree with you, Joe, helping others is a key to sobriety. To do so raises self-esteem. Which for me, counteracts my Addictive Voice, which is quite debilatimg at times.
Thank you for offering your help, I know that will be beneficial, because you have such a long stretch of previous sobriety, and attendant experience to share. I’m so glad you posted, Joe 🤗.
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Tatsy, so good to see you posting as you try to understand. All I know is that I am happy you kept coming back. We can support you and hold you up when you don't even feel you can do it. I feel so lucky to have met you on some other threads and have my fingers crossed for you. Hang in there. A lot of people want you to succeed, including me! Love, Aly ♥♥♥
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Your unstinting support is humbling. 💕.
I’d like to keep this thread open, adding quotes from various SR members, which drilled though to my addicted brain, to the Authentic/True Self, at the optimal time, when I began my earlier two and a half year sobriety. As I now forge forwards with renewed resolution.
This year I lost track of my innate capacity to take that leap of faith, stop drinking, and deal with adverse events. I became a victim of my lower self, my AV. So, I’d like my thread to remind my Authentic/True/Higher Self of my previous, successful sobriety journey, and what instigated it. And later, what reignited it. So, historically, in no particular order:
As I wrote about FEAR recently, this is a quote from my old thread, that hit home previously; and is still apt:
I’d like to keep this thread open, adding quotes from various SR members, which drilled though to my addicted brain, to the Authentic/True Self, at the optimal time, when I began my earlier two and a half year sobriety. As I now forge forwards with renewed resolution.
This year I lost track of my innate capacity to take that leap of faith, stop drinking, and deal with adverse events. I became a victim of my lower self, my AV. So, I’d like my thread to remind my Authentic/True/Higher Self of my previous, successful sobriety journey, and what instigated it. And later, what reignited it. So, historically, in no particular order:
As I wrote about FEAR recently, this is a quote from my old thread, that hit home previously; and is still apt:
Originally Posted by soberlicious
I'm so happy that your feet are planted in your brave new world. As scary as it can be at times, it's far less scary to me than the out-of-control autopilot I was lived in for so long. I was at the mercy of literally everything...
I often visualize my life before as me swimming in a sea of booze...treading hard, but barely keeping my head above water. Underneath me in the depths was fear in many forms, constantly tugging my legs trying to pull me under. But fear was also above me, keeping me from climbing out of the sea. I was stuck right there. What I didn't know then was that the fear was not all around me, outside of me. It was within me. When I understood that, I felt I had more control over how to deal with it. It was not some outside entity coming at me randomly in various monster masks, it was something I could face and reframe and actually conquer so to speak.
I often visualize my life before as me swimming in a sea of booze...treading hard, but barely keeping my head above water. Underneath me in the depths was fear in many forms, constantly tugging my legs trying to pull me under. But fear was also above me, keeping me from climbing out of the sea. I was stuck right there. What I didn't know then was that the fear was not all around me, outside of me. It was within me. When I understood that, I felt I had more control over how to deal with it. It was not some outside entity coming at me randomly in various monster masks, it was something I could face and reframe and actually conquer so to speak.
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Carlotta! How kind of you to pop in. I do hope that you’re well. Your hug is very much appreciated, and reciprocated 🤗.
It’s been tough, but I broke through the AV smokescreen, climbed out of the ‘sea of booze’ and its attendant fears. Time to make the most of what I have, whilst attempting to rebuild what I can.
It’s been tough, but I broke through the AV smokescreen, climbed out of the ‘sea of booze’ and its attendant fears. Time to make the most of what I have, whilst attempting to rebuild what I can.
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Good morning, Tats. I really like what you shared from soberlicious; sobriety (or being a Phormer Drunk) is really an inside job.
For the longest time, when people talked about "getting my life back," it rubbed me the wrong way... in fact it still does. For me, there was no life to retrieve - I didn't want my life before drinking became a problem. It was miserable and depressed and messy and unbalanced. I prefer to think of a life under construction, and I've really not much but the vaguest idea of what that might look like. I am one of those oddballs that actually likes change and that element of the unknown.
I installed the free app EasyQuit Drinking on my phone. It counts days, drinks and cash saved. It also provides information and progress on health benefits as well as lifetime regained. Those I mentioned are the features I look at, but there are others you may like. The one I completely disregard is "slow quit," because I'm beyond that and will never even need to consider that option again!
It's very nice to see you first thing of my morning.
O
For the longest time, when people talked about "getting my life back," it rubbed me the wrong way... in fact it still does. For me, there was no life to retrieve - I didn't want my life before drinking became a problem. It was miserable and depressed and messy and unbalanced. I prefer to think of a life under construction, and I've really not much but the vaguest idea of what that might look like. I am one of those oddballs that actually likes change and that element of the unknown.
I installed the free app EasyQuit Drinking on my phone. It counts days, drinks and cash saved. It also provides information and progress on health benefits as well as lifetime regained. Those I mentioned are the features I look at, but there are others you may like. The one I completely disregard is "slow quit," because I'm beyond that and will never even need to consider that option again!
It's very nice to see you first thing of my morning.
O
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Hi O, I agree regarding the recovery element. When I wrote ‘attempting to rebuild what I can’ I was speaking as a ‘relapser’. I wish to rebuild, and improve upon, my sober life. When I first landed on SR in February 2016, no way did I want to recover/rebuild my old life, it was laced with an escalating amount of alcohol, and helplessness, and hadn’t served me well. Eventually, the AV completely isolated me, and my life revolved around alcohol, with no regard for my wellbeing.
I relapsed and strayed from the right path. I’ve also lost material things, before my relapse, many of which cannot be replaced; but I’ll attempt to rebuild materially, as best as I can.
My AV encouraged me to give up all hope, and resign myself to an alcoholic death. Which is why I started this thread, and reached out to all of you, because a small part of me, the best part, didn’t want to die. And you raised me up and gave me hope, in my time of crisis.
I relapsed and strayed from the right path. I’ve also lost material things, before my relapse, many of which cannot be replaced; but I’ll attempt to rebuild materially, as best as I can.
My AV encouraged me to give up all hope, and resign myself to an alcoholic death. Which is why I started this thread, and reached out to all of you, because a small part of me, the best part, didn’t want to die. And you raised me up and gave me hope, in my time of crisis.
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