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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Old 08-21-2019, 04:32 PM
  # 261 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, I would ask the same question Dee asked. What made you decide to pick up a drink? What happened in the hours before you made that choice? When did your mind shift to thinking you would drink, and how can you prevent it from making that shift next time?

I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but you're here and you're among friends who want to help you.
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Old 08-21-2019, 05:12 PM
  # 262 (permalink)  
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Iím glad you posted and shared. Whatís going on? You have referred to some really difficult situations you are dealing with.

Can we help support you?
I understand if you donít want to talk about it but if it would help we are here for you.

Get some sleep and drink plenty of water. See you in the morning for coffee.
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Old 08-21-2019, 06:06 PM
  # 263 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, I thought I saw this coming a few days ago. How come you didn't talk with us about it more?

You haven't let me down, but you did give up on yourself. Please don't do that. You're worth being kind to.

I sent a lot of time and energy on being the star pupil without really realizing what I was doing. You don't have to be a star, just do you.

And please don't let the AV convince you that you may as well keep going on drinking - that's hogwash. It's used this reasoning with me successfully repeatedly, so I get it, but no.

xo
O
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Old 08-21-2019, 07:21 PM
  # 264 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, you havenít let me down at all.
and that doesnít mean i couldnít care less.
okay...you drank again. you also previously said you do not think you have another day 1 in you.
so that is a very dire place to be.
you are whittling down the the ways you have followed which have not ďworkedĒ for you, so it seems like a spot where you might use a different path from the one you have walked?
in my own story, it was kinda always possible to come up with a plausible-sounding reason, cause, excuse why i had drunk again, but the bottom truth was that i really had no idea why i would do this insane action again.
hope you donít disappear from here.
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Old 08-22-2019, 01:40 AM
  # 265 (permalink)  
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Tats,

I am sorry, but it can be a blip if you just stop now. It won't be the terrible withdrawls if its off one day.

Look at O, thanks to support from YOU (and others) she is back and stronger than ever. But you dont need to turn this into a prolonged drinking spree, it can be a one off and back on.

In my view, we are never starting over, you are continuing your path after taking a detour. But the shorter the detour the better.

This was the kind of thinking that made the difference for me -- my AV would tell me, you are a failure so might as well drink more. But ME, the real me, ignored the AV and said yes I did drink and that was not so clever, but I can still be clever going forward. And that difference from all or nothing thinking to doing the next right thing, even when I had made a mistake, makes all the difference.

You can learn from this, but you do not need to be consumed by it.

Coffee?? Hawk's going to brew us up some french roast.

XXX
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:13 AM
  # 266 (permalink)  
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Sorry you drank again Tats. I would agree with everyone who has said you're not letting any of us down.

Another daily lesson from yoga: it doesn't matter what the pose looks like to others, only how it feels for you..

Hope you will keep sharing and do whatever it takes to get back on the sober train today.
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:32 AM
  # 267 (permalink)  
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Good morning, friend. We're all ears. I don't think there's an emoji for that, but if there was, I'd use it just for you.

What's going on?
xo
O
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Old 08-22-2019, 03:28 AM
  # 268 (permalink)  
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Thank you friends 🤗

I drafted a long answer to Dee and Annaís question, then reflected on the Ďwoe-is-me waffleí which was almost entirely dictated by the AV. The AV is correct in its assessment of the negative impact of cumulative events over the past year and permanent impact upon my future life.

In summary the AV says: my altered life circumstances are so bleak, itís not a life worth living. That even to live that reduced life, Iím now required to take burdensome actions. So why bother, I might as well do nothing, watch the cards fall as they will without input. Switch off and drink.

That Iíve probably already sustained a life threatening illness through excessive drinking, and my bodyís so weakened, I wouldnít respond to treatment, even if I sought medical input.

In summary I reply to the AV: stop being so nihilistic, I have a life, whilst others do not, or are close to dying and youíre telling me to risk my life by drinking? Youíre crazy. That I canít change the past, I must forgive, let it go, start afresh, stop being stuck and take action. That Iíve the capacity to drive my life and not remain stuck in the rear passenger seat.

The AV is relentless and I make the mistake of agreeing with itís Ďwhatís the pointí and procrastinate over actions I urgently need to take. When I say procrastinate, itís as though my body and brain are stuck in a full cast, without the power to operate. Mentally and physically, Iím unable to force myself to take action.

The AV responds to my inaction by mocking and ridiculing me. I agreed with itís assessment of me, and drank.

The AV is screaming at me right now, not to push the send button. What a fight. 🥊 Oh, I won!
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:00 AM
  # 269 (permalink)  
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Tats,

That s$cks, all of it, but what I relate most to is the procrastination, which is so debiltating and for me is part of what fueled my drinking. O got that going on too -- I hink its part of the package for many of us.

If you look at the stuff on the Why we Suffer website, which Tats and I both like BTW and I recommend to everyone, the procrastination is part of our passive self -- fear, anxiety, escape.

And the AV is part of our awful Inner Critic Superego, whose only job is to destroy us. And I mean that literally. Alcohol is a vehicle, but there are so many others trust me, mine is on overdrive 24/7 and I dont drink.

But our job is not to engage with either of of them, because to engage is to give them credence. We are not the weak passive self, or the evil Inner critic, our job is to enage with the real Drops and the real Tats. If we do not acknowledge the inner critic and let it just do its sh$t in the background, the voice gets lower over time.

I am good at a lot of things, but I do not have self discipline when it come to do anything that is good for me. That is my inner passivity, which I work on by just forcing myself to "hit send."

The real Tats knows that if she just has a bit of faith and keeps doing the next right thing, it will get better, but not if you engage with the Mother F&cker Inner critic/AV.

Now go get your inner Tats on and do this thing. Listen to your heart.

Does Hawk have the French Roast brewing?

X
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:11 AM
  # 270 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
Tats, In my view, we are never starting over, you are continuing your path after taking a detour. But the shorter the detour the better.

This was the kind of thinking that made the difference for me -- my AV would tell me, you are a failure so might as well drink more. But ME, the real me, ignored the AV and said yes I did drink and that was not so clever, but I can still be clever going forward. And that difference from all or nothing thinking to doing the next right thing, even when I had made a mistake, makes all the difference.
Thank you Drops, 🤗 I like your viewpoint.

Following your earlier book recommdation, I found this on Peter Michaelsonís website, for inner critic I read AV:

No, do not cozy up to the inner critic. Doing so diminishes us. We must tame it, render it powerless, not compromise with it or befriend it.
The best approach is to befriend our authentic self, not our inner critic. Our authentic self is, in the language of depth psychology, our secular soul, the throne of goodness, wisdom, and power. We want our consciousness to unite with our authentic self. Its values are the opposite of the inner criticís. How is compromise possible when values are diametrically opposed?


And he goes on to say, which is so true of my AV experience:

The inner critic appears at times to be saying true things, and sometimes the things it says are true. It can mock us for being weak and passive when, in fact, we have indeed been weak and passive in some situation. But the punishment we accept (even for our slightest misstep) in the form of guilt, shame, tension, and anxiety often far outweighs the ďcrime.Ē We need to understand that the inner critic has no business at all butting into our life.
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:18 AM
  # 271 (permalink)  
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Hey friend, like others said, you aren't disappointing me. Gently, saying that is a way of not saying who you are really disappointing- the you who wants to get sober. I hated being called a victim, and this is an example of why I was indeed playing the victim role- but it was true.

We are indeed all here to talk and support you. We also keep asking you the same things, suggesting the same things and can only do so much (whether in cheerleader-y or more blunt form). Sometimes we word things differently, but the underlying message is the same- we simply have to find a way to stop drinking and stay stopped.

But the bottom line is you have to what this more than anything. IRL support, even a detox or IOP or SOMETHING more than just our online support might be truly warranted at this point.

What are you going to do to stay sober today? Hugs.
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:19 AM
  # 272 (permalink)  
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French roast, extra strong and triple batch on the ready Drops

It’s raining ang grey but I can just hear an optimistic bird singing beautifully in the woods by the house. The rain is lulling and peaceful.
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:36 AM
  # 273 (permalink)  
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What about today you kick the critic AV out your body-house, drink some of this (if I do say so) exceptional coffee and let’s put our collective heads together?
you may need to top it up with some of your own coffee so take a moment to do that if needed.

I mean Tats, seriously, you got some world-class expert help here when it comes to procrastinating, relapse and recovery from said relapses, and difficult life situations which we amplify with our actions. We got it and you’ve seen it.

We could be a think tank and move to Washington DC, hang out in cool coffee houses and the Smithsonian planning our next amazing ethnic dinner out. . . We’ll need a name and stuff, but let’s work on the matter at hand at the moment.

I digress but I hope you know what I mean is that there is always a future to be imagined. To be created. You just said it.
What groundwork needs doing now to get it started?
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:36 AM
  # 274 (permalink)  
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Delicious Hawks, super strong and aromatic. Puts feet up and sighs with pleasure. 🤗

Drops, we cross posted about the same subject! I havenít researched the Inner Passivity yet, thanks for the reminder 🤗

MesaMan, thank you posting when I went off the radar, pricking my conscience to return 🤗

August, I do appreciate your continued input and support 🤗

O, thanks for lending your ears, theyíre more attractive than mine 🤗

Cosima, thanks for your kind words, the perfectionism, Ďwhy try yoga at all if I canít achieve the correct posesí. Oh yes, indeed 🤗

Dee and Anna, Iím glad you posed your questions, my deliberations gave me some insight. Thank you both for wise words 🤗

Andy, thank you for your PMs last night, they really helped damage limit the imbibing 🤗

Fini, thank you for your support, Iíll chain the AV down and continue posting 🤗

I may have an attraction to hug emoticons!
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:46 AM
  # 275 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post

I mean Tats, seriously, you got some world-class expert help here when it comes to procrastinating, relapse and recovery from said relapses, and difficult life situations which we amplify with our actions. We got it and youíve seen it.

We could be a think tank and move to Washington DC, hang out in cool coffee houses and the Smithsonian planning our next amazing ethnic dinner out. . . Weíll need a name and stuff, but letís work on the matter at hand at the moment.

I digress but I hope you know what I mean is that there is always a future to be imagined. To be created. You just said it.
What groundwork needs doing now to get it started?
Thnak you Hawks, that was truly inspiring, just when I need it. Groundwork, Iíll make a start by deliberating, instead of caving into escapism. The coffee will kickstart the mental cogs.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:39 AM
  # 276 (permalink)  
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I've thought throughout that this blip is only a Detour in the larger scheme of things; as mentioned above.

'Don't give up
'Cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good'


~ 'Don't Give Up' ~ Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush ~
.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:53 AM
  # 277 (permalink)  
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Tats,

You know (I hope) that I try to avoid being directive, instead I try to suggest or simply offer my own experience. But it's time to do some serious AV-kicking. You're appreciation for all of us is nice, but I think you can take our support as a given by now. There is No Way you are mentally incapable of taking action; despite (to spite?) the AV you're communicating here. How did you get to the bottle shop for liquor if you're physically incapable of action?

Deliberating what? I agree with August - something must be done, if not several things. You need to get to the doctor to deal with that notion that you've "probably" broken your physical self in a terminal way. You need to talk about your altered life circumstances that have caused your future to be so bleak. Get that draft out and post it, or take it to a therapist, or share it at a support meeting. I think that stuff needs to see the light of day so that someone can help you deal with it.

I've got to fly out of here in 8 minutes to take care of business, but I'll take a cuppa that delicious coffee to go, please!

xo
O
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:13 AM
  # 278 (permalink)  
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My heart really goes out to you Tatsy. When I think about what it would be like to have it all start back up..... it makes me shudder.

This is the fight of your life.

Only you can break the spell, the Maya, the illusion. Find the separation again.

I'll echo that I think the plan here needs to be ramped up, some kind of real life action. Throw everything at it. Be prepared to do whatever you need to do, no matter how much your ego, or AV objects.
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Old 08-22-2019, 08:40 AM
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Tatsy, I completely understand the power of the AV. And, I think the way to override it is to stay sober. It will gradually lose its power.

I don't know if you are book-lover, but you mentioned perfectionism. This was a huge problem for me and it rendered me unable to take action. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" truly changed my thinking.
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Old 08-22-2019, 08:53 AM
  # 280 (permalink)  
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what O and August said.
"you can do this" means just that. the word "do" is in there for a reason.
i spent years and years reading, thinking, trying to understand things like passivity, low self-esteem, inner critic...and it's useful and interesting but didn't help me with staying quit.
are you still drinking?
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